You have no idea what path he has chosen Jim - just the words of a proven liar about his state of mind.

Excuse me to butt in but I have seen the OM a couple times when I was out with my GF and avoided him!I have no attraction to him and if I wanted to be with him I could!I chose to end the relationship and despite his numerous attempts to get me back I have stayed committed to working out my M even though my H is possibly now a WH!And the reason I wanted H back was because I never stopped loving him and realized that noone could ever compare to him!And why am I selfish my whole M for expecting my H to notice my efforts to look good for him?Is that wrong to want your H to notice you when u go to all lengths to look good for him?Yes,it is the most selfish act in the world to do what I've done to my H cuz someone else showed me attention and I have learned that the hard way,but I have learned!And my H still says he is not dating anyone and I would be the first to know but I know he is at least talking to her cuz his 39.00 cell phone bill is 135.00 this month!Obviously he is interested!Why dosen't he tell me that he is intersted in her!Should I ask if he is not dating what is his interest in her or just ignore it?Thanx for all the good advice guys!I definitely need it to keep me going!

BK,what did you mean by saying "just the words of a proven liar about his state of mind"?

I mean that your say-so about what your husband is thinking isn't necessarily what he would say if he was posting here.

What you should do is what everyone has told you to do. Win him back. This is about what HE wants now not what YOU want.

Bk,how do I know what he wants if he never talks to me!He called me 2day to bring me my cell phone but I was shopping an hour away so he said he would drop it off at work!When I got to work everyone commented on how unfriendly he was!He used to always be friendly to everyone,so it hurts that he is now being cold to everyone!I don't understand!He sent me a txt yesterday that he is not dating anyone and I will be the first to know if he is,but he is talking to her,a lot!I am doing my best to be a better person,but he dosen't seem to be to receptive of it at the moment!I know I have made some poor choices in the last couple days with my demands,but did apologize yesterday,and he was civil!How do I prove myself to him if he never wants to talk or spend time with me?

"""Would it be hypocritical for my wife to demand fidelity from me? Do I have a get some sex free card that I can cash out at any time? After all, it would be hypocritical for her to complain.""

Your situation is a bit diffrent then JK. YOU HAVE CHOOSE N TO

To reconcile and there fore your wife can demand that.JK husband has not choosen that at this moment.


So its a big diffrence.. IF and WHEN JK husband choose to reconcile then and only then she can demand that

JK,

You are in a really crappy situation, one that I can sympathize with. But, it is so much of your making and that is all you can deal with right now. I also had a long affair, left my H, he dated during the seperation, I would never have thought to lay down the law about his dating just because my A didn't work out. We did end up reconciling for a year, but that didn't work out either.

All you can do is work on what you have control over. Protect yourself legally, but don't file for a D unless you want one. Figure out what made you have the affair and fix it. Don't have SF with hubby unless you want to and are protected against STDs. Work on becoming marriage material. He considers himself a free agent now and you will have to win him back. You are not entitled to him anymore, just because he's your husband.

How much time elasped between your d-day and your physical separation?

We have been separated for 5 months now,but I have only been actively fighting for my M for 3 months!Prior to Dec 06 and his "kiss" with the OW,he was completely committed and even told me he loved me so much he would die for me!So does anyone think I have the right to ask him what his intentions are with this OW?He has told me he is not dating,but he is talking quite a bit to her,and obviously is interested!So is he just witing to see if it will work out with her and if not he still has me here?And I am definitely not having SF with him!It has been almost three weeks since he has called for that!All of my stuff is still at my house!Would it be the best idea to start moving it out litte by little so that he knows I will not sit around and wait forever,or should I just leave it there to keep my presence in our house!I know at least if all my stuff is still there the OW might feel uncomfortable if he brings her there!God I miss and love him so much!What have I done to my life?

Stop making threats, stop making demands. Stop trying to play hardball when you HAVE NO LEVERAGE. You can't play hardball when you have no ball. You have NOTHING with which to negotiate.

Stop badgering him about dating and start focusing on regaining his trust and demonstrating that you have CHANGED into viable marriage material. I think he may be pursuing other options because he doesn't think you are marriage material but wants to withdraw slowly. Your job will be to ATTRACT him back and demonstrate that you are a viable option.

This sentiment has changed. He is NOT committed to you, as you can see. And he won't be until you give him a good reason to commit. Just because he said these words 5 months ago, and never backed them up, does not mean a thing and entitles you to nothing.

You have a right to ASK.



Whatever means you are using to spy on him needs to cease. You really have no right to this information right now... unless he decides to give it to you.



How about this...

BH, I really want to be back with you and will do everything I can to demonstrate that to you. There are a few things of mine (not joint property) that I would like to get from the house. Listen.... listen for his reply. It will be telling. I would make sure you wait a while to do this since if you are interested in the M, you really are going to need to be a bit more patient since he has so much on his plate right now. Not much different advice than I would give TFC.



You have screwed it up royally.... but you are trying to change that. Good for you. Now there is a poster here that will try and let you know that you should force your way back into your H's life... that you should interject yourself in places that you really have not been invited. It will be a big mistake if you do that. You will come across as a nut job. Now you should keep your personal boundaries in place. I would suggest you NOT sleep with your H until you KNOW he is not being intimate with any one else. God, this sounds so like the TFC sitch. You do not need to be a doormat as it has been suggested that we are telling you... none of us are. You just need to be respectful of your H's choices at this point since they are his to make.

MEDC

Like I said before,how do I draw him back if he we never spend time together or talk!Do I call him and ask him out,or just sit around and wait for him to call?Please give me some suggestions?

You work on you! He will see the changes if he chooses to. Listen to ML... she has given you great advice. This is not a recipe JK... two parts this and one part that... no, the goal here is for you to work on you and hope that he is interested in returning home.

YOu can send him flowers... write him a love note... get counseling...ask him out on dates...and then listen for his responses. Be prepared for "no" and DO NOT BE DEMANDING. Based on other things you have written, I suspect that you have a controlling nature... try to control that as it will be your enemy right now.

MEDC,you're right,I do have a controlling nature and have been trying really hard to control that,but am still learning!So just sit back and wait for him to come to me and work on myself!Ok!I have told him I need to come and get things from the house in the past and he has said ok but has never asked me to come get my things!And you're right about TFC's situation,it is very similar!Thanks for all the advice ML!I do have one question?Why is is that both TFC's H and mine are so mean and confrontational when talking to them now?Do you think it's because they have someone else in their lives and are feeling guilty?I am confused!My H is even being cold ad distant to people I work with,or even some of our mutual friends in general!

jks - I am no expert, as we are in very similar situations, but I personally think they are angry over the situation and their confusion about where to go from here. Neither of our Hs have asked for a D, but they can't fully commit to R either. The people/women that they are hanging around with aren't making the decision-making process any easier on them. I have chosen to think of these women as ego-boosters, since I blew his ego to shreds. I personally believe that my H wouldn't be having SF with me if he was with anyone else, but I am still cautious and you should be as well. If SF is one of YOUR important ENs as well, then protect yourself and go for it. As for getting your things - if you need them, get them. If not, take it as a good sign that he hasn't asked you to pack up and go. I have patience today, so I am able to offer some small piece of advice. Sorry it isn't much!

P.S. Didn't I tell you MEDC would help?

Quote:
Why is is that both TFC's H and mine are so mean and confrontational when talking to them now?Do you think it's because they have someone else in their lives and are feeling guilty?I am confused!My H is even being cold ad distant to people I work with,or even some of our mutual friends in general!
_______________________________


As a BW all I can say is that the pain, the confusion, the agony is so enormous they can’t but just feel hopeless… and as much as they think, analyse, and try to make any sense of this all mess, at the end of any line of though there’s always the “hate” for the WW…the one who caused all this in the first place… this anger. Resentment and hatred feelings came right after the realization… if just this hadn’t happened… if this could just go away… but it doesn’t… can’t be deleted… damn you WS for doing this.

Imagine you became paralized because an irresponsible drunk driver hit you… now imagine that drunk driver was your spouse…

Sometimes, I just looked at my H and just wished he had never ever existed, that he would just "puff" disapeared in that instant.

The OW’s… yeah, eventually some guilt for not stanting up to their selfs and values… they use this people, they feel bad about it for them, for their m, their WS and mostly for themselves. It’s an ego booster… but really what they are looking for… they may get distracted, out of the agony for some time… but in the end it’s even more frustrating.

Then the thinking… if my WS was at least being honest… but how on earth can I ever trust them again? Honest that liar??? There’s no way out of this… and who’s fault is it??? The damn WS.

I am not trying to blame you or make you feel more guilty then I believe you are… just trying to give you an insite of a BS state of mind.

It’s the roller coaster… sometimes/ moments/ days (?) we may eventually be able to keep it all inside, pretend in never happened, have a slime of hope that we can overcome this… but most of the time it just hit us so hard, it’s so ovewhelming…

All our (BS) reasoning, thinking leads over and over again to a dead end… and the pain never goes away at least for a few months, it's always there.

My advice? Be patient, understanding, and respect them. Give it time.
Follow ML advice.

I am a little over one year from d-day... and those feeling still appear at times.

Thanx for your advice SE!I am doing my best to be patient,but it has become a little harder knowing he is talking to someone else!My mom and I were talking last night and she said just be patient!You guys belong together and it took you awhile to realize that and learn from your mistakes,so give him that time!I love my H so much,but it's hard to see past the person he is right now,but ultimately I know what kind of person he can be and my actions have made him this way!I truly believe that if there wasn't someone else in the picture he would be working on our M!I guess I should be glad that he hasn't asked me to come and get my stuff or asked for a divorce!That gives me some hope that maybe he still has hope!Actually he did tell me last week that there was still hope!

One thing that really confuses me is how a month and a half ago he told me he still thought I was an amazing woman,thought I was beautiful,and wanted to work our M out!He also was spending time with me and calling me!Now he won't even talk to me!Maybe someone can give me a little insight on this!Maybe his interest in the OW,although why does he deny his interest and say he only talks to her?He told two of my closest friends in my workplace rather loudly that he was interested in this girl!Then downplays it to me!Why wouldn't he just be honest?I was completely honest with him about my A when he confronted me and have reitterated that several times to him!

JKS,

You keep making judgements about this that are not yours to make. you said
No, if the OW was not there it is NOT clear he would be working on the M. He did that for a long time and got nothing for it but abuse from you. Don't you recall?? He still has to decide many things, and yes the OW hads a complication, but the OW might end up helping you and your marriage.

You cannot actively control your H. You Mom is giving you good advice listen to her. You are getting similar advice from here. Sit back and work on you. Leave your H alone. Plan A when the opportunity arrives, but work on YOUR issues. And frankly one of your issues is NOT the OW.

The point is the situation is NOW BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. He has withdrawn from the marriage, he has taken up with an OW, and he will eventually have to decide if being married to you is what he really wants. If he makes that decision THEN you have many things to do, and it would be best if you are prepared and that means changing the things that led to your affair, figuring out how to be the best W you can be, and also what you expect from an H.

Calm down and work on yourself. Get to the point that when people see you they see a smiling woman that is becoming happy with herself. Becoming an empathetic person that can see other peoples problems not just her own. If he decides to look your way and my bet is he will often when you are not looking, you want him to see a woman that acts with GRACE toward all, including herself.

Go to work on your job, and let your H figure out what he needs to figure out.

God Bless,

JL