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It didn't go at all last night!He left the party before I arrived!I was crushed!I really don't understand why he couldn't have stayed!I don't see how this will ever get better if he keeps ignoring and avoiding me!I almost sent him a txt expressing my confusion and hurt,but decided I didn't want him to know it was getting to me that much!Was that the right decision or should I have said something?
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Send something ATTRACTIVE like: "so sorry we missed each other last night! What a disappointment! Hope to see you soon. love, j.."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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So I sent him a message very similar to what you suggested ML!He didn't respond!I am feeling the same as TFC!If he is done,why dosen't he just say it?He tells other people that he dosen't think he can get over it,but not me!I think his vision is clouded by thoughts of the OW!Although he denied any interest in OW to a mutual friend!I don't know waht to believe or think anymore!I just don't know why he wouldn't be honest!I was always very honest with him about my feelings for the OM!It has almost been a month since we have had any interaction other than discussing bills and mail!This is the longest it's ever been even during my A we either talked or saw eachother!I don't even know him anymore!But I still love him to pieces and am trying to have faith that he will come around!
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jk
you must have a lot of patience.
Don't you remember I said it may take twice as long as your affair for him to reconsider you as his wife even doing ALL the right things?
You just need to keep chipping away a bit at a time.
I don't feel this is over yet but you need to be consistent over a LONG period and honest with him. YES even if he is acting as an [censored] at times. Right now he will not even consider comparing his actions as inappropriate as he probably feels he's just taking you at your word over the last year and ''movin on'.
Deep breath, smile, and don't worry...he's keeping tabs on you via friends.. so let them see his WIFE!!
Life may feel as if you are constantly getting kicked on a daily basis, living is about picking yourself up each day and going on and on and on regardless.
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And no I am not patient at all!Just working on it cuz I love my H and want him back in my life and if I give up then I may never have that chance again!I think God is definitely trying to teach me patience though,and I am learning!In the past with any other man I would have said just screw it it's not worth it,but he is the love of my life and i don't want to let him go!I know he will realize he is making a mistake,and if not at least I gave it all I got,cuz he sure did for an entire year!
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JK... how long did your affair last?
TFC.. if you read this, please answer the same question.
MEDC
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JK.. I found the answer... a year. And how long have you been trying to win back your H before talking about having this be too much???? When you have invested a year in trying to recover that which you have thrown away... you may say that your patience is running thin. Until then... it seems to me that you were willing to invest more in your OM than your are the man your love... your H. I suggest that both you and TFC take a long hard look at the lack of patience you two are showing and frankly the lack of time that you seem willing to invest in a H... even though you had no problem investing yourself with the OM for a YEAR.
One other thing, I would suggest that both you and TFC STOP offering advice or support to one another. NEither one of you are in a mature or stable enough place where you should be offering counsel to anyone else. JMHO.
MEDC
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Thanks MEDC,leave it to you to be brutally honest!And believe me that's a good thing,just harder to take!And you're completely right,my mom keeps telling me the same thing!As I said,patience has not always been my strong point,but I am working on it!And I don't recall saying this is"too much",just that it is very hard and discouraging!And I m not giving TFC advice other than to hang in there and sympathizing with her!I have no idea what to do!All I know is that if I stand a chance a I need to hang tough and work on myself!
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My A lasted 2.5 months MEDC. I am not really trying to offer jks advice either, other than telling her good luck or some advice someone gave me. If I have overstepped my bounds, I apologize. I have been in this for 3 months now, and am still going to give it a bit more time.
Btw - I am currently reading Emotional Blackmail ... very interesting! Thanks for the recommendation.
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JK ... you're welcome.
TFC... unless you are willing to invest at least a year in this, you will most likely not succeed.
MEDC
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Sorry if I overstepped my bounds. It is not up to me to tell you guys to not offer each other advice... and if I have misinterpreted things as advice... I apologize. I just know that when I was in the early stages of dealing with an affair I would have been in no shape to offer sound advice without interjecting way too much of my own stuff into others experiences. I know I did that on occasion and I see it happen all the time on these threads. So, if that is not what you guys were doing... sorry.
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No biggie MEDC!I know you mean well and are trying to help and I appreciate it!Do you think it's ok that we don't ever talk?Out of sight out of mind!I know from my A that I tried to avoid seeing him or going to our house because it hurt!I knew that's where I belonged but couldn't find my way back!And like I have said,we never went this long without talking!I sent him a txt yesterday that i missed seeing him at the party,but got no response!I do want to respect him and give him time and space,but I am afraid he will just keep getting further away!I told him two weeks ago that I would be coming by to get some of my stuff and haven't yet,and he hasn't said anything!Do you think that getting some of my stuff and letting him know that I am ok and living my life might wake him up?
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He doesn't need to wake up... he needs to start feeling safe with you.
Call him and ask if it is okay if you apeak to him on the phone a few times a week...have no expectations... but let him know you want to talk to him sometimes. Go with his answer. If you haven't already communicated what you want and are willing to do... please make sure you do that also.
Let him know you love him... want to work on your M and that you are sorry for what has happened. Also, let him know that while you want to be focusing on your M right now, that he is worth the effort that you are putting in. You can also ask him what level of involvement you can have with him that will still allow him to be comfortable at this point.
Communicate... don't press.
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MEDC,in the past I have asked my H why he dosen't call and talk and he said if he wanted to talk to me he would call,so what if he says no when i tell him I want to talk to him more often?Also I have told him sorry several times for what I have done and told him I wanted to work our M out and would do anything!What else do I say to communicate my wishes and desires!I think he knows,at least he has said he does before and has said he knows that I am truly committed to our M and knows that I am doing everything to change,but dosen't know if he can ever feel the same about me again!Does it sound like he is in the fog,or just very confused?
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MEDC,in the past I have asked my H why he dosen't call and talk and he said if he wanted to talk to me he would call,so what if he says no when i tell him I want to talk to him more often?
[color:"red"] Continue to work on you and see what happens. Remember, no expectations. [/color]
Also I have told him sorry several times for what I have done and told him I wanted to work our M out and would do anything!What else do I say to communicate my wishes and desires!
[color:"red"] Words are not what your H needs right now... he needs to feel safe. You gave him words before and betrayed him. Just work on you and HOPE that he wants to come back to you and begin to heal. All you can do is tell him what you want and are ready to do... it is up to him if he wants to take you up on that offer. [/color]
I think he knows,at least he has said he does before and has said he knows that I am truly committed to our M and knows that I am doing everything to change,but dosen't know if he can ever feel the same about me again!
[color:"red"] He may say he KNOWS you are truly committed to your M... but he doesn't really know that. YOU are unsafe until proven otherwise to him. That takes a long time (most likely years). I don't even know your H and I can tell you that he doesn't even have his feet under him ritght now. If you are to get back together, be prepared to be living under a microscope and to have your every move open for scrutiny until he regains some trust in you. [/color]
Does it sound like he is in the fog,or just very confused? [color:"red"] No, he sounds hurt. Not coming back to you right now does not indicate "foggy" thinking. I would be MORE concerned if he came back today and said "okay, I feel better and trust you again. That would not be real. Other than the fact that your H is hurt, his thinking and words do not sound off to me. [/color]
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interesting.
my ww has taken a similar stance.
she knows I've been doing everything and knows that I deserve a second chance but refuses to give it to me.
That's her choice now and she knows that too.
instead she plan to try all other guys that are surely no fit for marrying.
Like everyone says here, it will take time, time before she can trust again and return. Unfortunately, that wait is painful for most of us.
Living down what the wayward spouse does while we wait is not gonna be easy for us (nor them when they come to their senses) Imagine the worst.
I hope we don't have to wait too long for a turn around. For all of our sakes.
Me FWH - 29
WW - 29
2 Kids; Boy 9, Girl 1 year
WW - EA/PA Nov 2006 - Current (Approx 16 weeks and ongoing)
Me FWH - EA/PA Nov 2006 - February 2007 (Approx 12 weeks, NC achieved)
WW Separated 11 Dec 2006
MC Dec 2006 (About 5 sessions, did no good save for a list of ENs)
Currently working on saving the marriage.
My Ongoing Story of Double Infidelity
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MEDC,I sent him a txt yesterday saying that he was always in my thoughts and I loved and missed him!No response,as usual!Should I stop txting him?I don't do it very often but haven't got a response from the last two!I miss the sound of his voice and would give anything to talk to him!How can he just shut me completely out and not miss me at all?We have been together for 10 years!Even during my A,I still missed and called him!Has he just stopped loving and caring about me?I feel like it!I had lunch with his mother and a mutual friend yesterday!It was nice!She is a very forgiving woman and I miss her friendship!
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You should stop. So long as you have commincated what you needed to, then you should let him come to you.
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So what if he just keeps avoiding me for another month or more?You say let him come to me and that's why I have not been calling or txting him that much,just every once in a while to let him know I am still here loving and missing him,but he dosen't seem to care!How long can the situation be completely avoided before something needs to be said?We are still M!If we don't ever talk won't he just keep getting further away from me?I just wish he would give me some idea of what he's thinking!I am still his W!
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You may still be his wife on paper... but right now he doesn't see you that way. Personally, and this is just my opinion... it is okay for him to date if he so chooses right now. It is also okay for him to decide if and when he wants to reconnect with you. Frankly, while you can set boundaries for your own actions and life, I think he has a right to make decisions that HE feels are in his best interest. You certainly can do the same... but remember, you set this ball in motion. He will decide how he wants to proceed. Only YOU can decide how long is too long to be patient.....but remember, you cheated on him for a year... I would think you owe him at least as much time as you were giving to your OM.
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