(cut & pasted)
WOW!! Mrs. Wondering
so much that you posted made me think of my H during all of this
my H came from a good, strong catholic upbringing
there had never even been a D in his family...even aunts and uncles
his mother ruled the home with her strict beliefs and she was quite a judge
the relationship that my H and i had was not one that she approved of in the beginning because i was not the person she would have choosen for her son....i was too wild, too unsupervised (she thought we were having S-E-X before marraige) and i came from a broken family...with a history of many divorces, and my father had even had an affair
being with me was the one time my H took a stand against his mother
she "forced" religion upon her children...that's how they all felt about it. church was never a choice. even as adults, if they stayed at her home, they had to go. My H and his brother, after they could drive themselves, would dress up for church and then go sit at the park
i was not raised in a family that believed in much
i had been a christian but went through the process of converting to catholic while i was in college. i never felt the need to be with God in a church....i've always felt he was "in me"
after we were married, my h and i agreed that we didn't feel that we needed to go the church to be with God...he is everywhere.... so we decided that we would go to church, when/if WE had the desire to
we went on some holidays when we were visiting our families, but not other times
strangely, the first time my H start browsing the site where he found OW was shortly after his mothers death.....his counselor said that it was as though the death of his mother triggered something in my H that made him feel free to go against all of the things she forced upon him
before the 1st d-day, i knew something was wrong with my H....he just seemed "cold" towards me....like he had hardened his heart against me....like he was "taking care of me" but not wanting to be with me
and then of course the ILYBNILWY speech.....he said it was because of my depression which had gone on for many years...I WAS going to leave because i believed that I was making him so unhappy
then D-DAY
i threw him out, for the weekend. he begged and begged to come home
[color:"blue"] we went to counseling and he talked about what a monster he was, he talked about the guilt and shame that he felt for what he had done.
He said that he couldn't even belive he had done it! and that he would rather go off and live alone somewhere than to hurt me again....that he never wanted to hurt me like that again. [/color]
he told me and the counselor that all he wanted to do was "love me forever" .
[color:"blue"] he said that it was like looking back at some stranger that he didn't know watching what they were doing and being horrified! he never wanted to be "that monster again"
he told both me and the counselor that OW didn't think they had done anything wrong and would never go to counseling. which brings me back to the quote by Pittman...
"It is commonplace for guilt-ridden people, after an infidelity, to distance thier unsuspecting mate, whose love makes the guilt ridden feel even guiltier.
[color:"blue"]The greater the discomfort and the more trusting the mate, the greater the distance needed to protect the infidel from being overwhelmed by guilt.
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[color:"blue"] At the same time, the infidel will seek out the only person who can relieve the guilt-the afairee who was an accomplice in the act, the one who can assure that no wrong has been done.
The infidel and the afairee are thus trapped behind imaginary enemy lines, hiding from the poor trusting BS who gets somehow turned into the source of the painful guilt. The guilt therefore undermines the marraige and fuels the affair." [/color]
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[color:"green"] he was wonderful.he wrote me beautiful poems about his love for me and his hopes for our future. they were so personal and heartfelt...he searched until he found cards that made me cry....he bought me gifts to show his love....a single red rose every few days, a big gorilla with a heart that says i love you, chicken soup when i was sick....even a mavoda watch (he really tight with money and for years i had always teased him by saying "if you really loved me you'd buy me one!" [/color]
and.....he decided that he "needed" us to start going to church together. When we went, he seemed to have found such peace. he was so serious...in a way he never had been. If i whispered to him he wouldn't answer...he would just give a little smile and put his finger against his lips....he always had his head down like he was praying
we were both trying hard....except that i was having triggers which would cause me to get so angry....i would say such unkind things
neither of us knew how to deal with this and [color:"blue"] he said that he couldn't live this way forever...that if i couldn't forgive and forget we would never heal....that each time i brought up the A his feelings of guilt and shame would overwhelm him....and would destroy us [/color]
we didn't know what to expect when dealing with an A....he thought i had taken him back so that meant i forgave him...why couldn't i just forget.....
we were only in recovery for 8 months. he had started asking me to "forget" the first month
after about 5 months, he decided that he didn't need to go to counseling or to church anymore....that we were doing better..that HE was doing better
i thought we were happy most of the time....we even added a new puppy to our little family
then he called OW and the A resumed (i didn't find out for over a year)
my H started treating me so badly. he was cold, heartless and angry. he shut me out of his life.
when i cried, he left the room in disgust. when i tried to talk to him he coldly told me that i was keeping him awake. he moved into the guest room and began to shut and then even lock the door.
on the rare moments that we would end up smiling together.... he would give a little laugh. look away and then shake his head with a sad look on his face....ending my good feelings about that moment
my mother and sisters thought, and still do think, that he is abusing drugs
i KNOW he isn't
he became like a zombie. Someone who was going through the motions each day in misery. I found SAA and he did agree to do the emotional needs questionaire. As hard as i tried, he wouldn't let me meet any of his needs. he just kept saying that he had "no feelings for me anymore" and that "he was waiting to see if his feelings would come back"....he was "so unhappy"
when i looked in his eyes......he would look awayt, but not before i could see that there was no soul there anymore
then he became very depressed....curled up on the couch, sleeping excessively, calling off work depressed.
he came out of this when he made his decision to move out to continue the A
since then, he has been like a person with "bi-polar disorder" emotions out of control
(my friends and family swear it is either drugs or bi-polar disorder to this day)
[color:"blue"]-he repeatly said that when he looked in the mirror, he wanted to puke, that he was a monster.
-he constantly yalked about his guilt and shame and that it was worse when he was with me.....so he hated coming to the house....
he even said "i can't even look you in the eyes"
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-crying that he threw everything away, saying how unhappy he still was, saying that he didn't know what he wanted or what he was going to do with the rest of his life (during the first year before OW moved in with him-while he was cake-walking)
-acting pumped up like he was the king of the world....with a little evil looking smile on his face and in his eyes
-smiling as he said things that hurt me and then getting angry when i was hurt
-having fits of rage over nothing and then later swearing that he didn't say the things he had said during the rage
having fits of sadness and talking about reconciliation then later swearing that he hadn't said any of the things he did
(i believe him! he looked so confused when i talked about any of the things he had said)
-leaving messages where he was screaming one moment, crying the next and then screaming again
-threatening suicide if i did anything to stand in the way of what he wanted for him and OW
being so cruel.....telling me he was going to "blow his head off with a shotgun just like my father did)
-then apologies and kindess and little jokes sent by e-mails
-i'm in plan B now but his last attempts at contact were like interacting with a crazy man
many phone calls with screaming rages, ranting, cussing and calling me names, crying then screaming some more
and usually some comment about how he knows it's his fault-that he ruined our marraige-that he was the one who did this to himself
but saying that doesn't seem to make him any less angry at ME!
the last call was in july until i changed my numbers
i've taped them and played then for some friend and family who believe he's now clearly out of his mind
Jennifer Harley says he is still clearly not having rational thinking
me? i don't know what to believe anymore
[color:"blue"] that's why i started my thread about feelings of guilt and shame....wondering how this might play into my situation...could my H be unhappy and wish he could come back but the guilt and shame he feels he would always live with keeps him from doing this?
is THAT is torment now? [/color]
but my greatest fear is that he really IS happy and that's why he isn't interested in ending the A