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There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear.
1 John 4:18 Why is unconditional acceptance so important? Because if you accept only in part, you can love only in part. And if you love in part, your mate's self-esteem will never be complete. Remember, "Perfect love casts out fear." A powerful picture of how love casts out fear is found in the book Welcome Home, Davey. While serving aboard a gunboat in Vietnam, Dave Roever was holding a phosphorus grenade some six inches from his face when a sniper's bullet ignited the explosive. Here he describes the first time he saw his face after the explosion: When I looked in that mirror, I saw a monster, not a human being... My soul seemed to shrivel up and collapse in on itself, to be sucked into a black hole of despair. I was left with an indescribable and terrifying emptiness. I was alone in the way the souls in ****** must feel alone. Finally he came back to the States to meet with his young bride, Brenda. Just before she arrived, he watched a wife tell another burn victim that she wanted a divorce. Then Brenda walked in. Showing not the slightest tremor of horror or shock, she bent down and kissed me on what was left of my face. Then she looked me in my good eye, smiled, and said, "Welcome home, Davey! I love you." To understand what that meant to me you have to know that's what she called me when we were most intimate; she would whisper "Davey," over and over in my ear.... By using her term of endearment for me, she said, You are my husband. You will always be my husband. You are still my man. That's what marriage is all about. Marriage is another person being committed enough to you to accept the real you. It means two people working together to heal their deepest wounds. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Discuss: How has your self-esteem been strengthened by your mate's love? Pray: That you would have the ability to love your mate unconditionally and heal his or her deepest fears and wounds. FamilyLife --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happily recovered!and Happily Married :0)
Commit your works to the LORD and your plans will be established.
Proverbs 16:3
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I don't accept my mate unconditionally. I love him so I only accept the best for him, not the WORST. I would never accept him if he were committing adultery, molesting little children, robbing banks, etc. Because I don't accept him at his WORST, I would help him STOP if he did those things.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Unconditional love and unconditional acceptance are two different things....you can love the sinner but hate the sin. Love the person, yet not "accept" all of his/her behavior.
It seems the above story is talking about acceptance of outward, external appearances, not "bad" or sinful behaviors.
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not, "unconditional acceptance" means accepting ALL attributes, not just physical appearances. The post above does not limit it to only physical appearance: "Marriage is another person being committed enough to you to accept the real you." Nor do I believe in unconditional love. We know that love is very conditional and folks can and do fall out of love.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What kind of love are you talking about? Romantic? Then i agree there is no such thing as unconditional romantic love.
This is unconditional love....that Jesus died for us WHILE WE WERE YET SINNERS.
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I don't accept my mate unconditionally. I love him so I only accept the best for him, not the WORST. I would never accept him if he were committing adultery, molesting little children, robbing banks, etc. Because I don't accept him at his WORST, I would help him STOP if he did those things Mel... I don't always agree with you, nor you me... but there are times when you hit the nail so perfectly, it sings. This is one of those times. Only a man's character is the real criterion of worth.
Eleanor Roosevelt
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I am talking about the love in a MARRIAGE. We are talking about marriages, after all. MEDC <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I agree that unconditional love is really not "un" conditional. You have to have conditions, or you're saying to your mate "I'll accept you no matter what, love you no matter what--sure, keep sleeping with that coworker of yours and beating me when you're angry--because I will always love you no matter what."
It's dangerous to love like that, and I think sometimes as a BS we come here shouting "I'll do anything to save my marriage, I love him unconditionally."--when we really need to be told that that kind of love is NOT productive to our self, our spouses or our families. That kind leads to doormat status and entitlement of the WS. Love has to have boundaries. God's love is perfect, and IT casts out fear. There's a difference there.
BW-me, 29
XH, 29
3 sons-now 6,4,2
Divorce final--Sept. 27, 2006.
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[quote]I am talking about the love in a MARRIAGE. We are talking about marriages, after all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's dangerous to love like that, and I think sometimes as a BS we come here shouting "I'll do anything to save my marriage, I love him unconditionally."--when we really need to be told that that kind of love is NOT productive to our self, our spouses or our families. Agree 100%. That is how little kids grow up and learn to be abusers/abused.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Sorry, eveidently I have forgotten how to do "quotes". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
I THINK we're saying the same thing....
Love in marriage is more than romantic type love....
Based on what you said before, about loving your husband but not loving certain actions, that is still unconditional love, because you want to help the one you love overcome destructive behaviors. It doesn't mean you stop caring, loving, helping.
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Based on what you said before, about loving your husband but not loving certain actions, that is still unconditional love, because you want to help the one you love overcome destructive behaviors. It doesn't mean you stop caring, loving, helping. No, it doesn't mean that at all. If my H beat me up and molested my children, cheated on me, I would not love him or care for him. And I certainly wouldn't "accept" him. I would do everything in my power to stop him. It wasn't your bad quoting I said "huh" to, but your sarcastic, out of place rolleyes. What was the point of that? Seems like you have a chip on your shoulder, notonlywords.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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AJ... I'm very glad to see you posting here! Welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I would like to see you posting about your journey as a FWS...I think many would learn from that... I will tell you that I don't particularly care for this post and I'll tell you why...It is like others here have said, love in a marriage IS conditional...And it has to be...Had Neak have chosen to stay with you and accept an "open" marriage, how would that have been good for either of you or your family? And that is what unconditional love/acceptance would imply, would it not? For her to have done that, it would have required a complete sacrifice of herself and also of you...I'm sure you'll agree that you did MANY unlovable things as a WS...It would NOT have been loving for her just to sit back and allow you to self destruct by indulging in wayward entitled behavior, right? Instead she removed herself from the equation...By the grace of God, the affair ended and you found your way back to each other... I think it is very important for you to understand and fully grasp that she has given you a priceless gift that was not "owed" to you based on some silly notion of "unconditional love/acceptance"...She did that with grace and yes, because she knew she could fall in love with you again once you stopped commiting adultery...I hope that you fully realize just what amazing grace that it takes for a BS to Plan A a WS...That is one of the closest things to Christ like love that I've ever seen on this earth...But she did NOT have to do that, it IS a HUGE blessing and gift to you...You get that, right? Again AJ, I'm very glad to see you here and hope that you will post more often... Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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A "chip" on my shoulder?
No, you are wrong.
But go ahead and make all the assumptions you want about me.
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How would you interpret Jesus' command to "love your enemies" and "do good to those that hurt you"?
I don't think it means to sit around and let them beat you, abuse you, hurl stones, or whatever....
so then, how DOES that kind of love look? How do you love your enemies?
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"love in a marriage IS conditional..." there are multiple types of "love". Sometimes, I think the unqualified use of the word "love" in these forums. should be banned <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> the marriagebuilders theories on marriage, say that the *feeling* of (romantic) love, is conditional on how you are treated. in contrast, the choice to "show" love (treat someone with loving care) is purely a choice. that choice can be conditional, or unconditional. there is also familial love... which to some people, can also be a choice. Some people choose the "you're family, so i'll forgive you" kind of thing. some dont. Or to some people (ie: some mothers) can be a blind, unconditional "i dont care what you do i'll always love you you're mybaby" kind of thing. some mothers feel that, and some dont. some people even get that way about their spouse. most dont, it would seem. PS: the command Jesus gave, was to SHOW love. That is always available as a choice. it's just a tough choice to make sometimes.
Last edited by techie; 02/10/07 05:10 PM.
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"I am talking about the love in a MARRIAGE. We are talking about marriages, after all."
Melody Lane, if the above statement was not intended to belittle me or condescend to me in any way, then I apologize for rolling my eyes.
I also rolled my eyes because it didn't really answer my question....what kind of love are we talking about. OBVIOUSLY we are talking about marital love, but is it romantic or agape or brotherly or what?
NOW
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not, "unconditional acceptance" means accepting ALL attributes, not just physical appearances. Accepting that things are true doesn't mean tolerating them if they're harmful. Indeed, if they are, then tolerating them (like staying in an abusive marriage, for example), would not be loving at all. Nor do I believe in unconditional love. We know that love is very conditional and folks can and do fall out of love. Love is unconditional. Marriage is a conditional contract. People falling in and out of love are missing the mark completely. Romantic love may feel nifty, and may be wonderful if the partners are honest and faithful with one another, but it's chemistry, it is NOT love. Love isn't a feeling. -ol' 2long
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Ah, techie! You're a "splitter!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm a lumper.<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> There is love, and there is "not love." Love is unconditional. Everything else isn't love at all. Goosebumps, maybe, but not love. -ol' 2long
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