BSs are often eager to take responsibility for letting the WS down - because it gives them a delusion of power and control, and reduces the emotional burden of rage.


ding ding ding.

yep.
that was me.

after awhile i realized that this was rather manipulative in it's own way.....and not really what i was after.

FWIW

I took responsibility for H's A for ... a few hours until MY MOM (God Bless her soul) told me

"No, you were a good wife, not a bad wife"

and my Mom was not just being my "supportive" Mom ... she was setting me straight like a Mom does ... we did NOT get sunshine enemas at our house

Pep

I think we may be talking about DIFFERENT EXPERIENCES in our lives and in our MARRIAGES...

There are certain issues which HURT to the CORE..and some issues that BOTHER you..there are DEGREES to which certain issues MATTER...

Bramblerose and I, I think, are speaking of the same LIFE EXPERIENCE...

Maybe presumptious to ASSUME that SIS is speaking of the same...

I know for sure beyond the shadow of any doubt that the wife that I became and actions I directed towards my H before he was wayward.. CUT DEEP INTO HIS HEART... Even today, you can see and hear the UTTER HURT in him in recalling some of my MALTREATMENT of him. When he was NOT A WH, he did not all DESERVE what I did to him and it did take his affair for me to LEARN about these things...to OPEN MY EYES...

In an IDEAL WORLD, he would come to me and TELL ME. He is not a PERFECT PERSON and this is not an IDEAL WORLD. It's all so very clear to me now. The handwriting is on the wall..He does not TALK WELL in communicating his feelings...OH BUT HIS ACTIONS SPEAK VOLUMES..maybe as Schoolbus says, it's because he's a salesman and a lot of his WORDS ARE CHEAP....This is who my H is and I accept that.

My EXPERIENCE FITS ALMOST EXACTLY WITH THE VIEWPOINT of MBers...maybe it's not true of others...

I think there was a TURNING POINT...now that I think of it...there was a point during PLAN A when my H began to realize that I WAS OPEN TO BEING SENSITIVE TO HIS HURT.... ....and he HAD TO BELIEVE THAT I WAS SINCERE IN LISTENING TO HIM..HE HAD TO KNOW THAT HE WAS HEARD....

He had to know this DESPITE being a WS...despite the fact that MOST of what he was saying was FOG TALK..

I HAD TO GET THE MESSAGE BEHIND THE MESSAGE...

It's like I was able to get past what he was actually saying and LISTEN TO THE HURT VOICE...inside of him

He experienced that I loved him enough to LOOK PASS WHAT HE WAS SHOWING ME and to CARE ABOUT HIS HURT....

Steve Harley, himself, told me..in his own words..THAT I HAD TO DO THIS...

Thank God..I did...

I don't know if this makes sense to anybody else or not...

good wife/bad wife....

either way, it would not of been your responsiblity to take...

do you think maybe that it's part of the process?
do we take the repsonsiblity to get us through the anger?

I don't even understand this...

EAGER TO TAKE RESPONSIBILITY? Who would be EAGER????

I TAKE 100% RESPONSIBILITY FOR MAJOR MISTAKES IN MY MARRIAGE.

I LEARNED TO BE EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE TO LOVED ONES and I WAS...CHILDREN LEARN WHAT THEY LIVE...

I DO NOT AT ALL TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS DECISION TO HAVE AN AFFAIR!!!

DON'T GET THIS CONFUSED!!!!

we're talking within 24 hours of discovery ... I knew NONE of this

my DH was plan A'ing me without knowing i was in an A or knowing about MB.

all he knew is that i wanted a divorce!!

but he was not about to let that happen.

and so he dug in and made changes to himself and started to meet my needs.

i hate that it took me so long for me to belive he meant it all.

but then i wonder if i had not been so bent on divorce would he have stuck with it??

but he did and his "reward" was my confession. not a good reward at all.

i hate all this crap!!!

Who would want to take responsibility?

Well let's see...

Rescuers...

Fixers...

People who tend to control or manipulate...

Passive agressives...

I could keep going...the list ain't short.

i feel like Captian Hook in the Robin Williams version of peter pan movie, "Hook".

"I hate, I hate, I hate!!!"

And the point is what?

Once these folks are labeled..discourage them from following the MBer's Plans?

I agree that a BS is not RESPONSIBLE for the WS' DECISION to have an affair..

But the WS needs to FOLLOW THESE PLANS...

[color:"green"] Yes, in the sense of immediately feeling like a FAILURE and a LOSER ... which, although incorrect, may be a common emotional response to trauma.

Pep <~~~ I look good in GREEN[/color]

you were good.
i took me a couple of years to figure this out.... and my H was willing to let me take that resposibility while he compartmentalized everything. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

The point is it is misleading.

It paints the WS as a poor wounded bird who you shook out of the tree.

It isn't true.

That person is your peer and your equal and their feelings are not yours to manage or soothe.

They have a will and flaws and the ability to self destruct just like anyone else.

In the absense of overt abuse I really believe that their disappointments and feelings are their own to manage as they see fit.

Who wants to be responsible for an emotional cripple?

Who wants the job of keeping their tank full and their brow unfurrowed?

People who can't let go...that's who.

I DID let my H down pre-A. Of course I did. No one is perfect. But--unintentionally--I let him down in ways that left him vulnerable to an A. The fact it was UNINTENTIONAL does not mean I do not have to take responsibility for it.

So I take responsibility, AND I don't have ANY delusion of power and control. The opposite is true. I have turned OVER my control. Before MB, I was TRYING MIGHTILY to exert power and control...to no avail. I was also a bundle of rage.

Now, for whatever reason...growth, time, counseling, MB...I no longer try to CONTROL things. I try to DO things and REACT to things in a way that is reflective of THE BEST PERSON I CAN BE. I can tell you, this has been the antidote for the rage I felt.

I do still get angry and frustrated...because I am human. But I have chosen another path. I have chosen to be a better person. To give unselfishly. Yes...I WANT a payoff in the end...but I also know that I can be proud of doing EVERYTHING I COULD DO to save my marriage.

This is bothering me a lot.

I'm feeling that the experience of a BS and a WS is being TRIVIALIZED.

These are DEEP, HURTFUL ISSUES.

I was devastated to come to an understanding of how much I had hurt my H. That was REAL for me and I don't like my emotional experience being DISCOUNTED.

Again SIS speaks my voice...

Noodle...

You and I see things differently and that's OK.

I believe Marriage requires TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER..him licking my wounds and me licking his...RECIPROCAL as PEP says..

I guess you would consider my H and I to be EMOTIONAL CRIPPLES..we both have lots of EMOTIONAL WOUNDS...

No doubt about it..TRUE OF MY EXPERIENCE..

The man that I married 30 years ago is INSECURE because os stuff in his past and then had a series of CRISES in his life and I WAS NOT THERE FOR HIM..THESE ARE FACTS...

I'm thankful to have the opportunity to make amends for this..just like he struggles everyday to make amends for his AFFAIR...

Maybe unlike other Hs here, my H WAS A GOOD HUSBAND prior to his A...and in many ways I WAS NOT A GOOD WIFE...

That's not saying that this is true for all others...

But this is MY TRUTH..not to be DISCOUNTED...