Noodle:

You and I are VERY DIFFERENT in terms of our viewpoints on life and relationships.

So I'm not sure if we could ever understand each other through our discussions here.

I certainly respect your right to your opinion.

Really.

i didn't know you were a man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
but, i am glad you are....my H has said the same thing to me......that he very well might have chosen to do what he did regardless of if i had been a better a wife/lover.....whatever. He now says it was a weakness in HIM.
that hurts me....because I saw him so differently....he portryed himself so differently TO me.....confident, intelligent.....loyal. I never saw the insecurities he later shared w/ me.
i suppose that is another reason i blame myself.....i feel stupid for not picking up on them.....looking back,the signs WERE there.

Of course not.

I didn't come up with this approach and viewpoint, BTW.

Dr. Harley did.

I was quoting him.

He says that MOST AFFAIRS begin this way with WS trying to QUENCH an UNMET NEED....

it is possible that one person was doing a better job meeting the other person's needs.

that is a seperate issue. i dont know what your marriage experience was like prior to the A.

the thing is...that has nothing to do with this:
that seems extremely obvious.

people with better values do not cheat.

i also think different people need/desire different amounts of closeness in a marriage. it was not too uncomfortable for him to be in a marriage that was distant and unemotional. he himself said that.

but for me, i think because of my FOO, it is devistating.

not my DH's problem (well, expect i agree with mimi - one spouse's problems are both spouses problems).

but no matter what, it always comes back to, someone who cheats is not a high calaber person... there really is no way to sugar coat that...

(thanks for telling me to stick around)



noodle --- i am not saying your points are not good, but i sure as heck have a hard time reading them when you say stuff like this:
. sounds like a person trivalizing another person's feelings. why did you have to say little baby?? why not just say, you got your feelings hurt??

LOL - i am NOT a man. what did i say that made you decide that???

Because I value feelings very little in the big picture and when I am having a childish fit of self pity I see myself as a toddler stomping her feet and sulking then tipping the game over.

My little baby feelings got hurt and now I don't want to play anymore..

I am so telling.


Mooooooooooommy...no fair!

I am also withdrawing myself from my own responsibilities and expecting someone else to pick up the slack.

I love to mock my stupid self behaving that way.

Clearly a spanking is in order.

I think some people enter marriage w/ an unmet need(s).
This is what i learned from my H.
He entered marriage feeling insecure about many things but never let on to me.
i think my H is a lot like your and LS's in many ways.
if i had been like YOU or LS i would have picked up on his insecuritites sooner....but,i didn't.
The EN's that i failed to meet were not his my H's top EN's.
he was getting his top EN's met by me and STILL did what he did.

This was true of my H, too, Nia...

But I just read this book entitled THE TENDER HEART and the author states that most insecure men try to cover this up until a crisis happens in their lives...

BUT I DO NOT BLAME MYSELF FOR HIS AFFAIR...

I do REGRET that I was not SENSITIVE regarding his FEELINGS..

It ALL is so CLEAR to me now...

He is the same person, acting the same way ALMOST and now I SEE IT AND UNDERSTAND IT...

How hurtful it must have been to be EMOTIONALLY REJECTED AND ABANDONED BY YOUR WIFE..after a childhood like that..

For many years of our marriage, I was there for him and then I went away...

My understanding of this and sensitivity regarding this does not mean that I am saying that it was ACCEPTABLE for HIM to have an affair.

We can only WORK ON THIS NOW..during RECOVERY... because he is steadily making amends for his affair .... clearly acknowledges that what he did was WRONG..and uses EXTRAORDINARY PRECAUTIONS to insure that he does not do it again...

wait... now i'm confused...

noodle, were you talking about yourself or someone else's feelings?

Anyones.

When your reaction is childish the illustration fits.

"That hurts I better address it " is very different than tantrumy withdrawn resentfull self pity and justifications.

Noodle:

You see, you've really lost me now...

I'm going to the rest room... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

IT was THIS post.
I misread......you said.....ALL of you women.........i was thinking you said....the other side of the fence from women in general.
sorry!

btw,
my own sister is a WS, so i really struggle w/ how we could have such different values.
yet, we are 12 years apart....she grew up in a different environment than i did....i think this has more to do w/ it than i ever realized.
i see it in my H's family also.....he has sveral siblings who are Waywards.....i get a kick out of using that word.

i would say that is true of me. but i do believe my DH knew. but i don't think he wanted to deal with the messy part of me. he knew about my FOO issues. he often said, when i was struggling with something, he did not cause that problem and it was not his to fix. or he would want to give quick fixes, "just stop all contact with your family".

even if i had no contact, that would not fix the damage done in me.

i think that was a very selfish and unloving attitude to have.

Quote:
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Do you interpret this to mean that temptation results ONLY from unmet emotional needs?

TA



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Of course not.[/quote]

So would you agree that that there is at least a possibility that an H such as LS's might have succumbed to temptation without any unmet needs being involved?

Are all 'needs' valid?

Question: my own H began his extra-marital career by having sex with hookers on his way home from stressful meetings. His rationale - I would be busy bathing two babies by the time he got home and would therefore be unavailable for the immediate SF that he 'needed'. This was not a need he communicated to me. (And to pre-empt your question, he got SF on demand many times a week, but only after the kids had gone to bed.) After ten years of this behaviour, he found his way into the first of his four PAs. Which unmet need do you think I should have detected and tended to? Which legitimate unmet need do you think provided the temptation? How does my situation fit into chapter 1 of HNHN?

My situation is at one end of a scale, I recognise; I am simply making the point that there is a scale.

TA

noodle - ok, i see what you are saying.

my feedback remains the same, you can do with it as you like.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

this made me laff

Incidentally Flt

I do trivialize all feelings hurt or otherwise because ultimately they are trivial imo.

pep - when i was a kid, my mom always gave me a pixie hair cut and sometimes i was mistaken for a boy!!! the nerve. i hated it!

once it was in my control, i never cut my hair again!! lol, until it got too annoying that it would get in the way when i pulled up my pants.

now i keep it about half way down my back.

mostly i just hate getting hair cuts.

the other thing is.... i hate that too often i do in fact sound like a man. my needs are the typical male needs and other stuff like that.

but i really am female!!

wow, noodle, that really is a harsh stmt!!!

you remind me of my sister.
who is an infidel, btw.
LOL

but i love her to death.
makes my life a bit difficult though. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />