I don't see anything wrong with using a discount coupon, whether on the first date or the hundredth - unless of course he got his meal free and made his date pay for hers. Now, taking home all the sugar packets would be tacky (not to mention dishonest)...

You know, to me it's not really about the money--it is that he did not have the courtesy to ask ahead of time. If it is not rude, it is at least discourteous in my view. If he had said, "Hey, I have this two-for-one coupon for dinner at the Discount Dinner, want to go?" That would have given her the opportunity to say "Gee, not tonight but why don't you let me make dinner for you." or "Save the coupon for another time, I would love to treat you tonight."

While it is true that a big spender and a thrifty person might not make a good match, I think this issue is beyond weeding out a "non-thrifty" partner.

The early stages of dating are about making the invited party feel as comfortable as possible. Coupons add an additional complication to the end of the meal when things should be most relaxed.

I am not necessarily opposed to using coupons in general. In fact, at some point, after the relationship had become more serious, I'd think - great! this is a person who doesn't like to waste money! Just my type! I don't think it's tacky to save money. I'm not a woman who is impressed by how much money a man spends on me, but rather his character. To me, good financial sense is a lot sexier than dropping big bucks on dinner--but then so are good manners. And in my view, letting your lunch partner know you would like to use a coupon--be it a person you are dating, a spouse of thirty years, or an old friend of the same sex--is about MANNERS and not money.

I also supsect that this incident was not the sole reason this woman ended this relationship--just the last of a serious of things she did not like.

To me, this whole discussion perfectly illustrates that the rules of dating are beyond impossible to figure out.

It would never have occurred to me that use of a coupon would ever have been perceived in a negative light, whether on the first date or the hundredth.

Exactly, and that was my point. Everyone has different rules; the problem is that some people are mature enough to realize that not everyone's rules are the same, while others consider their rules gospel.

I have met my share of women who had the attitude that "everyone knows that a man should blah blah", or "should not blah blah"... I learned to stay away from them, because that narromindedness spelled trouble. And no, I am not talking about the more "accepted" rules of "the man should call if he going to not show up for the date", but, as an example, when my date insisted on paying for our lunch, despite me offering to do so, only to complain to her friends later on that "everyone knows that when a single mother offers to pay, she is only trying to be nice, and the man should never accept". Right. Whatever. "Everyone" obviously excluded yours truly <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

You have a point. Even Emily Post herself said:


However, why would anyone want to:

A: Be a perceived as a weed <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
B: Perpetuate a relationship with someone whose sense of social etiquette is too far removed from their own? That is why one dates. To find someone one is most compatible with.

I once broke off a relationship with a man who had a habit of using his car keys to scratch his ears. I remember standing next to him in line to get an ice cream cone and he stuck that key in his ear. I thought, "He's a nice guy, but I can't possibly stomach this for another moment."

lol...Not dating, but this is a fascinating conversation and I had to post my guidelines from when I was there.

First of all, the "who pays" issue was generally decided by income. I didn't make a lot of money, so I based it on how affordable the meal was and the financial situation of my date. I wasn't going to break my bank by offering to pay half at an expensive place if the gentleman was in a much higher income bracket than me. If I was dating someone closer to my own income level, then I at least offered to pay my share. He was welcome to accept or decline my offer. If he was in a similar income bracket and I was the one who asked him out, I assumed I'd be paying. It worked, but I'm an easygoing person.

If a gentleman was taking me out and it was clear that I wasn't paying, then it was none of my business how much the check was or what means he used to pay for it. I feel that it would have been rude to take an interest.

However, I did take note if I happened to notice that someone left a really crappy tip on the table.

Hey, I'm a foodie. I was far more judgemental about what a man ate then how he paid. There was no future for me with a picky eater.

Pieta, I know where you're coming from with the keys in the ear. That one in particular didn't bother me, but anyone who chewed with his mouth open never heard from me again.

I hope this isn't too far removed from the topic at hand...

My husband's brother, age sixty-two, is dating again after being married for 40 years.

According to BIL, he takes his girlfriend (about the same age) to a restaurant at least once each weekend and picks up the tab. She orders a lot of food that she barely touches. Then she gets dessert and eats that. She takes the food home in a doggie bag.

This drives him bananas and he complained about it to us a couple of times when she was not around. He said that she brags to him that she doesn't spend any money on groceries. I thought he was being petty.

Then last month we went out to a steak house with them. The girl friend ordered enough food for a line backer--an appetizer, a salad, the largest, most expensive steak, two glasses of wine and dessert. My daughter was also with us and did not care for her meal (something cheap off the kid's menu). She barely touched it.

The waitress asked my daughter if she wanted to take her meal home and D said no. So the girl friend said, "I'll take it--just wrap it up with mine."

My husband and his brother were in the process of splitting the check in half and the girl friend says to my husband, "Oh you can pay the tip too because your daughter is here so it is not really 50/50."

This woman has a well-paid government job and owns her own condo. However, she grew up very poor, on a subsistance farm in Canada. She came to the US at age 15 to work in a plastics factory. She married at sixteen and her husband died several years later leaving her with two young children who she supported alone and put through college at a time when women earned a fraction of what men did at the same occupations. She never remarried.

It never would have occurred to me either, and I have to say, I still don't understand what the problem is.

Ok, I said I was annoyed by the man who would only take me to restaurants to which he had a BOGO coupon or to which he wanted to go. What turned me off was that the only choices from which I could choose were the ones for which he had a coupon. Nope, he had no coupons for my favorite places. If I suggested it and it wasn't in the book, I got to try again. I felt de-valued.

When a man takes me out for dinner, and pays, I consider that a gift from him to me.

If you bought a woman any other type of gift (such as earrings, a pair of fine leather gloves, a pair of boots) and they were BOGOF, would you announce the fact that you got them half price?

It's harder to avoid knowing how much is spent in a restaurant, and I guess that trying to hide a coupon would be underhand. I think that you should just ask before doing it.

It's a matter of perception, perhaps? Maybe she thought that her meal was 'free', and therefore felt devalued, rather than than both meals being half-price.

auto,

The coupon is not why she broke it off with you, in my opinion. Mature adults do not break up over such trivial issues.

She realized she was not compatible with you and chose the coupon as an out. Don't get hung up on it. She probably had several reasons for not wanting to continue besides coupon etiquette.

If it wasn't going to work out, be glad it ended sooner rather than later.

It would be nice if people could just be honest and say "I'm just not that into you."

Ok,I'll chime in now.I think that is silly,being dumped for using a coupon ( if that's what really happened).It's one thing if you look like you're being cheap all the time by only going to places where there is some kind of dinner deal ,etc but who wouldn't want to save a few dollars on a meal if they could? I would not take it personally.

It was a casual dinner,not a romantic evening for Valentines day or something.I wonder if the woman would be insulted if you had used a gift certificate you received at the restaurant too and didn't pay big bucks.

It's kind of funny, but this could be one of the tests you do when screening people, you know?

Expose them to your entire extended family for the day, half of them screaming children. This tells you if they have patience, tolerance, and can be flexible and friendly with your family.

Leave them alone in a room with your mother or father for an hour. This gives your parents a chance to size the person up and vice versa. It's important for everyone to get along if there's a possible future.

Take them to a restaurant and use a coupon. This tells you if they are sensible with their money or have issues with being conservative.

Take them to a beach and see if you can have a long, meaningful conversation without losing their attention.

Choose the things that are important to you, and find ways to test the person on those issues. It's something I imagine a lot of divorced people wished they'd done the first time around.

Might as well get it over with before you waste scads of time, right?

Sooly

it would have been a turn off for me too. it's tacky.

and it wouldn't be judging the size of his wallet IMO....just his lack of social graces.

actually, it is quite funny...sounds like a Sienfeld episode.
I can see Jerry agonizing over wanting to do something like that and Elaine talking him out of it.
I can see George doing it and getting dumped for it.
and Kramer getting away w/ it.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

If a guy I was really into and had been out w/ a few times asked me if i thought using one of those 2 for 1 coupons seems tacky...i'd probably laugh and say "yeah....but, who cares!"

she had her doubts but couldn't put her finger on it....the coupon was the straw that broke the camels back..... would have done it for me too.

this thread just keeps getting better and better.
i can't wait to see what's on page 3! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

well, then you would be a good match for auto...or AGG.
where as i would not.
we date to figure this stuff out, right?

it's not a bad thing.

without any questions, the correct response on auto's part should have been:

"Well, I guess I won't use my free trip for two to ________________ (insert your favorite romantic vacation) that I won at the local ________________ (insert favorite fundraiser) with you next month!"

LOL!

LOL! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />