JL

since you understand the Buyer, Renter, Freeloader and giver/taker concepts, if you have time, would you read my thread that i wrote yesterday asking Pepper for help?

that's what it's about

(lost, sorry for the threadjack)

Oh, she has the right... but just because you CAN do something does not mean you SHOULD.

*************************EDIT************

Good luck to those involved....

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BTW... here's something I added to this thread... hmm... your help seems to be nowhere in sight... now why would that be???

LS,

I just want to point out that out of the 10 or so posters who have given you advice, only 1 is advising you to go along with the divorce. If you go through with the D, your H is going to assume that's what you want. I have never heard before how getting divorced will help a M. I have nothing against MEDC, but he seems to be a real hardliner against WSs to protect the BS. I just disagree with him in this situation. It is nothing personal, but that is my advice. Your H IS a WH. I understand that he put up with your A for 4 years, but if he wanted to date, he should have filed for D himself. I bet he can't bring himself to do it. Even if my W doesn't sleep with me for 4 years, that wouldn't give me the right to go sleep with someone else. It is my moral obligation to D my W first before I would see other women.

Yes, withdrawing your petition will make your H angry. He will question your motives. But as long as you are open and honest, truly repentant for your actions, and work a good plan A, you will LIKELY save your M. If he hasn't divorced you yet, he probably won't now. If you withdraw your petition be prepared for a couple of weeks of venom, but this will be shortlived. If you want to save your M, fight for your H. He so desparately wants to be wanted. Show him that you want him!

have to agree with techie...

pull the petition, fight for him, let him know he is wanted...he may refile himself sure, but at least you did everything you could...and I wouldn't be surprised if he didn't refile.

it meant a lot to me that my FBH "fought" for me, that I was *worth* fighting for...

jmo

Jim there are three people that posted that they agreed with me.

Second... she is LIKELY to lose her M... not keep it if she follows your advice. She has said herself that she is not ready to be a wife right now... you saw that right????

lost

maybe you should try changing your thread title to get more input from others about withdrawing the D petition?

I have a thought that perhaps she should ask her BH how he feels about delaying or stopping the proceeding all together.

See MEDC- THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM SAYING....your response is great...*************************

As far as what you think of my opinion....we think alike....other than that....there is not much to say.....my observations are that you're quite bitter...it shows...I was too at one point....it was a change that was necessary in me......and one tends to respect people more when they know that they recognize their own faults.....

So...the above was certainly for others to read and take in....was my post up there mean spirited?? Sure was....So we can agree that we don;t like each other...cause that should be easy......

Hmmm... I guess you are preoccupied with me... since you had rude comments to make on the other thread... and then YOU got slapped down by other posters. You are*****but if it makes you feel better to continue posting your drivel to me... post away.

And again, what have you added to help this person... I must have missed it all.

And BTW, an active WS does not have integrity. That is why the comment was at the end of the post. And there was nothing ********about it.

Now...*** <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Lost:

Compared to where you were before you got here? The Divorce is much less certain now.

You will have a relationship with this man for the rest of your life, due to Punk as you call her.

You can make that Relationship a M or a friendship.

You have started down a path of growth that will make you an asset to any one who will have you in the future.

MEDC makes a excellent point about getting there first. AND then trying o reconcile, with your H.

And the standard advice around here is to let the WS do all the work of the D, because thay have created the turbulance in the M.

But you are still married. NO ONE can force you to sign that final D document.

If he's disappointed/angry/upset? He can do what he needs to do.

And this place isn't a Poll. 10 say yes, 3 say no, and 4 don't have a clue. 100 could say that you do this. 1 could say do that.

YOU make the choice.

And if no one likes it around here, so be it. We do not have to be here on this thread and you don't have to post.

Although I like the changes I have seen in you. You have had a cathartic moment (moments?) And people around here respond to that.

So keep it up. If you feel strongly that you do not want the D finalized, than, ignore the paperwork, or withdraw the petition.

It can be reinstated at any time and your H can file a proceeding at any time.

I have known people whose divorce has been on hold for 5-6 years....

And they were NEVER getting back together. They just waited and waited...

MEDC- You're right********...and I would love to debate you on many of your wonderful thought processes....but that is not the purpose of this place....I'm quite happy...and you...*******************

I have always been preoccupied with****************...cause its so hard to see themselves for what they are.......My challenge to you, which I'm sure you won't undertake, is to look at who you're helping..and how you're helping them..and are you really helping them....?

It's funny how one perceives themselves......********************


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With that....I'm done.....If you're looking for me to engage you further...I won't.....or your cronnies.....its not always about "being right".....

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I'll go off to give advice to folks who need it....you sure don;'t

PLEASE STOP MAKING RUDE AND ARGUMENTATIVE POSTS!!

this is to EVERYONE!

this is not the purpose of marriage builders.

share your opinion and beliefs and your understanding of the Harley's concepts WITHOUT making judgements about those of others.

Then let the person make thier own choice.

all of this arguing is not helpful and is in fact hurtful.

there is a HUGE difference between sharing your thoughts and opinions, and the facts as you understand them and BULLYING and ARGUING WITH anyone who has view different from yours.


I would like to suggest that anyone who reads a post by someone being rude and argumentative IGNORE THEM COMPLETELY! Just act as though they didn't post at all and move on.

hopefully they will get the message and consider making changes in THEMSELVES and the way they choose to interact with people on this site so that they can be HELPFUL.

My dear new MB "friends".

I am so much better able to understand that a lot of what we do here is catharsis. These are incredibly difficult and painful things to live through, aren't they? Whether you are the FWS or the BS. It is truly a rotten mess regardless of what side of the fence you are on.

I so appreciate that you all have taken time out of your lives to give me advice and share your opinions. Sometimes, as in the beginning of my time here, things you have said have hurt me. But, I really needed that hurt to wake me up.

Some of the things you have said have made me laugh, cry, want to offer a hug, want to scream.

Most of the thigns you have said have started in me a process of learning, of exploring, of requiring honesty of myself and others.

And it is for this reason alone that I have stayed. I have grown here. And I have learned here.

I have learned that perception is based in what we know as fact and reality. It would be impossible for a "wayward" or former to ever really understand how the betrayed experiences the A and the recovery. And, it would be impossible for a betrayed to understand how the former wayward perceives the A and recovery. And sometimes through sharing here we are able to enlarge our perception to include some of what is the "other" side. What an awesome thing that is.

I love my H. I have loved him for 18 years. Together we made a life and a child. It is true, I made horrible choices and terrible mistakes with far-reaching consequences. And over the past couple of weeks, I have come to a place where I can "own" that.

My H loves me. He has for 18 years. And, that is probably why this has so destroyed him. He has said to me, "How many times am I going to just bend over and let you **** me in the ***? What kind of man does that?!"

And I have to understand that he has been SHAPED by this experience as much as have I.

But, as I have been learning, I am only responsible for MY choices. Not his.

I HAVE asked him what he thinks about all of this. And he wants "time". So, for now, he is choosing to continue dating and involving himself with other women who are not his W. And I do not blame him for it. Nor do I consdier him to be wayward. I KNOW what wayward looks like.

My choice is, to suggest that we not proceed with finalizing the D. I am not going to simply pull my petition and say "surprise"... I'm not going to just hem and haw and put him off.

Those things would not be in keeping with the "new" lostsheep.

Rather I am going to sit him down (Monday) and share with him what I have learned, where I am now. I am going to ask him where he is now. I am going to suggest that if there is any shred of him that thinks maybe we might be able to build something of beauty from the ashes of our M, that perhaps we don't sign anything and we seek counseling... perhaps just independently at first, and then with a MC. I am going to ask him to search his heart.

And he very well may say he wants to be divorced. And if that is is strong desire, and if he can tell me that, then I will not pull my petition. God doesn't care what the paper says, He knows my heart. And there is much truth in the fact that if I pull my petition, H will likely be furious. And he will quite possibly decide that this is another example of me manipulating things to fit my whim.

He would be "forced" to either file himself or break up with the GF, and having lived with lying, cunning, deceitful, selfish, manipulative lostsheep, he would likely see that move as an example of all of the aforementioned traits rather than the new and improved lostsheep.

So I will be HONEST with him (Monday). And then he will make a choice.

It may be that sometime down the road H will decide he is in love with the new lostsheep. It may be that he does not.

Regardless, I will be a better lostsheep than I was when I arrived.

I hope that I can continue coming here talking about what I'm learning... but I may just lurk for a while.

I have never, not in 18 years "wanted" a D. Not ever. Clearly my choices do not demonstrate that I wanted to preserve the M. But as for the D...I have dragged my feet from the begining. I have asked H no fewer than ten times, "Are we sure? Is this really the right thing?"

And he continues to choose that for him it is the "right" thing. So, one more time I will ask him to be sure. I will share with him what I know now, what I can see now. And I will accept his answer.

I won't stop working on me. I won't stop going to school or going to work or being the best mom I can be. I won't stop being his friend, I won't stop letting him know I care.

Might I suggest a post-nuptual agreement that states he gets everything and a quickie divorce if you are caught cheating again. Give him some collateral. Right now you have bad "love credit" so if he is going to give you a loan, you need to give him some collateral and high interest payments.

Hmmm, say more about this idea please.
You are being serious & not sarcastic, yes?

I can't speak for Jim, but the notion of a post-nuptial agreement stipulating 100% marital assets and insta-divorce is not unheard of around here. The WW of one of our posters - Cymanca - wanted to reconcile, and part of his PBL was such a post-nuptial agreement. She wouldn't sign and they wound up divorcing.

"so i will ask him one more time to be sure..."


I think there is something positive to be able to say "we never divorced".

I do NOT have experience in this matter.. I would be interested in hearing from those that do (ie: divorced, but attempted reconciliation soon after)... but I would imagine the feeling of the reconciliation process would be different coming from a "we ALMOST divorced, but we're trying one more time", vs, "we got divorced, but we're considering whether to remarry".

I think your husband may say "divorce" right now. but I think that in a few months, his answer may be different.

to ask him "one more time", at THIS moment in time, and follow through with divorce, would potentially make it harder to recover if he changes his mind after a month.
and the very act of "getting divorced", in itself, creats a mental barrier to reconciliation, in my mind.

If you're not willing to face him about wanting to drop it entirely.. then may I suggest "putting it on hold", as others have suggested. Ask for a postpostment or whatever it is.

If it makes you feel better, ask HIM for a postponement. Acknowlege understanding of his feelings if he wants a divorce... then explain that you would like a chance to show him that you are a changed person now.
(still not a "perfect" person... but now a recommitted person)

So... if you're not wanting to just drop it yourself.. I would suggest first telling him about your desire to drop it because you dont want it any more. Then if he throws a fit and you dont want to face up to that.. ask for postpostment.