well, i can tell he is trying. he has made some changes. a few.
i guess a lot of it is that i have been talking to one of my WH co-workers - a girl i grew up with. she has been telling me how suspicious she was about WH and OW and how they flirted so much and were always in each others offices. and how everyone in the office is suspicious. several people know about the A, and pretty much every one else is suspicious.

i guess that is what has gotten me so low tonight. that and i went to look at a condo today, in my price range, in a good school district.

i'll try to plow through until the end of tax season. it just seems so far away. 6 weeks+

((((FGG)))

After dday my wife still worked with OM for about 6-8 weeks before changing jobs. She was trying to make some changes, but I didn't see much from her at that time. Fog was thick because she saw him each working day. It was a large office and had many people in it, but it was still too much contact.

Nothing much changed for the better until she changes jobs and then WD happened. It was another 4 months before she "came around" to work on our M and started to meet my EN.

I know your feelings right now. If your H is tying at all and you said he is then just wait out the 6 weeks. If after taxes he does not find a new job then we can talk plan B. During this 6 weeks you can tell your H how you feel just don't do it in a DJ or LB way. Use the I statements. "I feel down today b/c you will be working late at the office and I don't like the chance for contact." Stuff like that.

Hang in there

uh, yeah!! that would make me upset as well. don't blame yourself for feeling bad. just think about how and where you are going to get your support dealing with those feelings as WH may not be able to be your sounding board.

you will have a lot of rollercoaster emotions..and until contact truly ends and withdrawal starts, you really can't plan on any help from WH...he is probably consumed with the task ahead of him. one thing I see as such a positive is his desire to make the changes. he may be strong enough to resisit temptation, but just make sure he knows he can tell you everything, so there are no secrets until the 6 weeks is over.

I see potential from what you have posted. also, I think the fact that he admitted A is positive. stay strong, read more on plan A and hunker down...its gonna be a long 6 weeks, but you CAN do it. no LB's or DJ's or AO"S you CAN do it.

he has promised that either he or the OW will be putting their 2 weeks notice in on 4/3 - the actual last day of tax season is 4/17 this year.
if he lets me down on that one, i am plan b-ing all day long.

i bought him some resume paper today so i can start sending his resume out.
we are also planning a long weekend for 4/18 to 4/22. i don't know where we'll go. he likes doing outdoor stuff - i'm not such a big fan, but i will do it for him.

i just want to crawl in bed and sleep for the next 7 weeks. i can not function. i deserve to be fired.
i've done maybe 1 hour worth of work in the 4.5 hours i've been here.

maybe it's time to increase my AD's

You are doing great on the situation! Don't be too down. You have made a good deal of progress thus far and obtained some very positive signs.

What you could probably do some work on is...you. What are your boundaries? What would you do if you weren't afraid? What would you feel if he was so inconsiderate of your feelings that he decided in 6 weeks to NOT leave his job?

You have fought for your marriage, you have shown true love by choosing to accept the reality of the situation and still want him. So, take the pride and apply to your own self-respect. Plan A is about YOU too.

You can do it, we believe you can. Best wishes and prayers for you to come out of this victorious!

if he doesn't give his 2 weeks notice on 4/3 (and OW doesn't either) there will be a for sale sign in our front yard by the next day.
and i will probably get the locks changed and throw all of his clothes out in the street. (can you tell i've been planning this? )

i guess my main problem right now is how to act around my H. the 3 weeks b/w d-day 1 and 2 i think i did a pretty good job at plan A-ing, but since d-day 2, it's been sooo hard. if i'm sad or upset, i don't hide it. the short amount of time i spend with him a day is not usually filled with me meeting his EN's. the main EN i wasn't fulfilling before the A started was SF - i have been initiating, but he's "too tired" most of the time
i know that is a sign that the A is continuing, but he says he just isn't attracted to me right now, and can't look me in the eye.

sorry for rambling. i'm really on the verge of tears right now.

FO,

Is your supervisor aware of what you are going through right now? If not, perhaps you should share that you are having a personal crisis, so they don't just think you are slacking off.

My H ended up having to tell his boss because of something he did at work not long after I confessed.

I'm sending cyberhugs your way. You are doing everything you can. Keep your chin up and talk to your doc if you think you need to increase your AD's.

When you get home tonight get on the floor and play with your little angel. She's at the age that I bet she smiles a lot and laughs. Maybe it will help for a little bit.

my boss does know. i told him last monday. he said he's so sorry, but he's never had to deal with anything like this himself.

my daughter does make me smile, but sometimes i just don't have the energy to give her what she needs. then i feel even worse, like i'm a bad mother.

this sucks so bad. why did this have to happen to me? my H is better than this.

Good Advice...

My FBS was pretty much unable to function at work right after d-day...he did tell a superior there were problems, I don't know how much he said...but they were understanding. He was even able to take some time off.

As for the AD's, I'm betting you haven't been on them very long, it can take a month before they become effective. Then again, not every AD works the same for everyone so you may have to trial and error a couple before you find one that works (I've been on an AD for ten years, went through about 3 of them until one was effective).

hugs from the little ones are the best medicine...

BTW, I was wondering if you have told your H about your fears...that you are afraid the deadline will come and he will waffle, how much that will devastate you, etc.? It might be good for you to get some reassurance from him and for him to understand how hard this time period is for you right now.

You are not a bad mother, so get that thought right out of your head...You are working very hard to give dd a happy family. Everyone goes through hard times, no mom is perfect 100% of the time.

So, your H was better than this. I was better than that too. That's one thing I still haven't gotten all figured out. I thought I WAS a good person...that may be something your H will have to deal with as well...

what you need right now is a BIG OLE FAT


(((((((((forgivingone))))))))))))!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hope you feel better...

actually i've been on ADs for a long time - i wanna say 3 or 4 years. they have worked wonders for me all this time. right now i'm doing 50 mg, maybe i will increase to 100 and see how i feel.

also i have my first IC appt on tuesday! yay! WH says he will go to IC, and hopefully he'll come through.

i just sent WH an e-mail letting him know how devastated i'll be if he doesn't put in his 2 weeks on 4/3. and whenever i tell him how hard this is for me, he says stuff like "maybe i should just leave, it might be easier for you"
gosh this sucks so bad.

FO,

I wouldn't advise increasing your AD's w/o consulting your physican first. Can you call your doc, tell him/her what's going on and see what they suggest? Is your appt today or next Tues? I hope your H does decide to see an IC. It was the best thing I did for myself. I learned what was missing in me that led me to make the poor choices that I did.

IMO, when he says stuff like this "maybe i should just leave, it might be easier for you" It's because he is seeing the pain he is causing you and feeling guilty. He wants to escape it, only in all reality there is no escape from it. Even when I was at work I could still picture my H's sad face because of what I did to him. It's a HUGE dose of reality and will it be good for him to feel bad about what he has done to you.

today WH and i discussed him possibly moving out, so that, hopefully, he will see what he would be missing and come back 110% committed to our marriage.

my question is: if he does move out, do i start plan B?

he understands that any contact with the OW during our separation would be a deal breaker.

what do yall think? i need help!

also, i think if i asked him not to move out, he'd stay at home.

I don't see any reason for him to move out...why?

The A is over, correct? Absolutely, positively over?

if it's a yes, then I don't see why this is even up for discussion. the best place to work on a marriage is under the same roof...harley's advice

I think moving out might make it too tempting for him to resume the A...

I think the best plan of action is to keep the status quo until the deadline of giving notice comes and he doesn't follow through, that's pretty soon isn't it?

5 weeks until he gives notice.
i don't know what happened. we were just talking and he starts saying he thinks someone else could make me happier, he doesn't want more kids (i do), he wants me to work, i want to be a SAHM, he likes to travel, i don't...blah blah blah

he says the A is over, but i don't know for sure. occasionally he will say "but if i mess up again...blah blah blah"

i don't think anything has happened since d-day #2, i think he wants to be faithful, but he doesn't seem 100% sure he can be.

this sucks so bad -

i asked him not to move out. he thinks it will help.

so assuming he does, what is my move? i doubt he would be gone more than a couple of nights. do i plan B? or do i continue talking to him via text and e-mails during the day?
do i tell him i won't be talking to him?
do i ignore his attempts at contact?

HELP!!!

i will be bumping this thread mercilissly until i get the answers i need - hee hee hee!

I don't think he should move out and here is why.

My wife (she had an EA) told me that she wanted me to move out to see how things would be if we D. She wanted to see if she missed me. At the time she didn't "love" me or want to have SF with me. We were just living day to day. She was stuck in a rut and wanted me to pull her out by moving out.

I plan Aed all I could even when it didn't seem like anything was happening for the good.

****Nothing changed until my wife changed jobs. After about 4 months along with my Plan Aing she just cracked one day and cried. She talked and talked and cried some more saying how the OM used her.

My point is that if I had moved out it would have made plan A much harded to do. I didn't feel like I was doing any good, but my wife told me that my Plan A had a GREAT deal to do with her "coming around" and out of the fog.

Again I was planting the Plan A seeds, but nothing changed for the better until she changed jobs and had NC for about 4 months.

That's my sitch anyway.

EEK!

that talk does sound foggy to me...

I think a lot, if not most of the problem is that he still works with OW, if he hasn't resumed the A, she still has opportunities to fill his love bank and keep the fantasy going. It's to be expected that he is going to be confused as long as he has contact with her.

I still think it is too soon for him to be moving out, but other, more experienced MB'ers/BS's need to come weigh in on this.

Have you asked him point blank if the A is resumed? Is there any way you can verify whether it has or not?

Mom,
i have asked him, more than once, and he swears nothing has happened since 2/14. i have no way to verify this, as the OW is denying anything has happened since 2/14 as well (to her H)

he says things aren't getting any better for him and maybe this will help him. he says if he doesn't miss me, then maybe we are better off apart!