I do see the quandry.

Your H will not be able to truly love until he learns to love himself. And in order to do that he has to wade through enough pain that he learns to make good choices. Struggling, learning to make good choices equals the ability to love yourself equals believing that you are lovable equals being able to love another. As in all things we can only mirror that which we hold inside.

I learned this lesson after the attack in Reno, after the attempted suicide, and after I hurt my boyfriend of two years by breaking up with him to go out with someone else. Three months into my new R it occured to me that if I had treated my old BF with the same amount of care and adoration I was treating the new, it would have been a really great R. He refused to take me back. Lesson learned.

Before the attack in Reno, I was the most selfish, self-centered brat you can imagine. And I had the misquided notion that it is better to feel sorry for someone and not hurt their feelings than it is to have good personal boundaries. I knew the guy was stalking me, I knew he was troubled but I thought it was better to pity him then to protect myself. I never went to the police, never told a soul except my sisters and never went back. Never talked to a councelor, never even thought about it again...until the suicide attempt. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome I learned later in counceling was bringing on the sever panic attacks I was having. anyway...

It was after all that (providence?) that I learned through giving (caring for my dad and helping my mother) exactly what it meant to love.

So very true and he does not love himself. I, like others that have fallen for him, mistook the outward of appearance of gentleness (he is gentle with kids/animals) to mean he was capable of being loving and nuturing. He told me early on he was a good actor, I wish I had listened. My H is not a bad man, but he is very on the surface and lazy about relationships. I know that fear drives much of what he does and all the men in his family are extremely selfish and immature.

Fear of what? Fear of punishment? Fear of not being good enough? Fear of being alone?

What would it take for you to love him again? or to happily be his wife (to put it in better terms) to cherish your marriage. Is that even possible now Faith?

If he were to have some kind of an epiphany (which probably should have happened with pregnancy of his affair partner), could you be happily married to him?

Fear of not being good enough is pretty much what he has said. Right now I am afraid to love him again, Weaver. He nearly destroyed me. My confidence in my instincts is shaken. I think at this point the only thing that could fix this is for him to form a deep relationship with God, an epiphany on THAT level would make a huge difference for me.

Faith, he doesn't think he is good enough because of the poor choices he has made.

And you say you are afraid to love him again, and who in their right mind wouldn't be...

but the point remains you are both operating from fear.

Faith what would it take for you to become happy if he never has an epiphany? You have chosen to stay in this marriage for reasons that you have stated. I respect that.

What would bring you happiness now that you have made that choice?

Can you simply "choose" happiness? Can you choose to wake up happy every morning regardless of the situation you find yourself in?

(trust me, I'm going somewhere with this <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />) I have to do some work though, so won't be back until next week. But I really want to see your reply. ...cuz it hurts to hear you say you are ok but not happy.

YOU HAVE GOT TO READ THIS [color:"red"] <~~~ click here [/color]

[color:"blue"] Hunker Down Popcorn recipe:

Source: Best of the Best From Illinois cookbook:

18 cups popped popcorn
1 tablespoon butter or light margarine (Promise)
2/3 cup light corn syrup
2 teaspoons vanilla extract
1 (3.4 ounce) box Instant butter pecan, butterscotch or vanilla pudding mix
1/2 cp pecans
1/2 teaspoon salt


Preheat oven to 300 degrees F. Spray a large roasting pan with Pam.

Pop corn in air popper (enough kernels to make 18 cups popped corn).

In Pyrex cup, microwave butter until melted (or melt in saucepan on stove). Stir in corn syrup, vanilla extract and pudding mix with a fork. Pour syrup over popcorn and toss with wooden spoon. Sprinkle salt over corn. Toss, taste, sprinkle.


Do it again until it says "Hello!" Return to 300 degree F oven for 8 minutes.

Toss again.

Determine if it needs another few minutes to make it glossy. Toss. Taste.


Turn out on a large piece of foil to cool. Break into bits. Store leftovers (if any) in covered tin box.
[/color]

[color:"purple"] this sounds positively orgasmic

I need to put this somewhere so I don't lose it on LilSis's monster thread ....

THANKS SKY !!!!!!!!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"] THREADJACK [/color]

Any MBer have an opinion about which CD contains the world's most awesome collection of piano concerti?

I'm on the prowl for a new CD.

Pep

Check out Jean Luc Ponty, "Enigmatic Ocean". It's not classical piano, but it is quite tantalizing progressive rock/jazz. It's entirely instrumental and I think you might enjoy it.

My room-mate was a JLP fan back when we were in college, and I was just thinking of trying to get ahold of some of his stuff.

I might get this one. It is old but regarded as a classic. Although I am interested in a good classical piano CD as well, for when I need to calm down a bit. I like jazz piano better than classical, but maybe I have never listened to the right stuff. LOL

-check out this review as it describes the musicians, to see if you might be interested, you can also listen to samples on Amazon.

Enigmatic Ocean (1977) is another great Jean Luc Ponty album that once again features the blistering technical approach demonstrated on Imaginary Voyage (1976). As a fan of progressive rock and jazz rock, I really appreciate the mixture of progressive and jazz rock elements and especially the virtuoso performances, which are stacked floor to rafters on this album.

Joining Jean Luc Ponty (electric violin; five-string electric violin; violectra; bells; and grand piano on Nostalgic Lady) are world class guitarist extraordinaire Alan Holdsworth; former Mahavishnu Orchestra bassist Ralphe Armstrong; Allan Zavod (Hammond organ; synthesizers; electric piano; clavinet; and grand piano); Steve Smith (drums); and session player Darryl Steurmer (guitar). As I have frothed about already, these guys are out of this world and the ensemble and individual virtuosity is breath-taking. Speaking of which, master guitarist Alan Holdsworth shines throughout and it is an absolute thrill to hear his blindingly fast and distinctive legato phrasing, whether with U.K. Soft Machine, or Gong. I should note that Darryl's playing sounds a bit forced - especially in contrast with Alan's free-flowing and virtuosic flourishes (Alan makes it sound easy). Where they are featured, the solos are presented in typical jazz-rock fashion, with lead instruments (violin/synths/guitars) each getting a few bars to stretch out (on the closing section of The Struggle of the Turtle to the Sea, both bassist Ralphe and "blazing" drummer Steve join the soloing). Enigmatic Ocean however, is a very interesting jazz rock album in that solos and complete arrangements are nicely balanced.

Although purely instrumental, the music is very well arranged and there are some nice dynamic contrasts with simply fantastic (and very organic sounding) synth textures. The highlight for me however is the four - part Enigmatic Ocean suite, which bears more than a passing semblance to prog rock, although the chord structures are distinctly "jazzy" at times (just to remind the listener that this is a jazz rock album). There is a teeny tiny bit of funk too, and Ralphe simply grooves on these sections (especially on his solo) - he is a solid bassist and serves not only as excellent counterpoint, but as an anchor too.

This really is a fantastic album of progressive jazz rock and is very highly recommended along with Imaginary Voyage. Other albums that feature a similar mixture of progressive rock and jazz rock (and might also be enjoyable) include two by the German group Passport (Looking Thru, 1974; and Cross-Collateral, 1975).

Thanks Weaver, I'll check that one out!

[color:"red"] THREADJACK [/color]

Saturday was the 3rd anniv of Mom's passing. I was waaaaaaaaay more emotional this year than last ... no idea why. The grief left me feeling small and tired.

then .....

Sunday morning got an early AM call, our son the EMT, fell asleep on his way to work a last minute extra shift ~~~> on the famous Los Angeles 101 and hit the guard rail flipped the car and slid 100 feet with the car laying on the passanger side. The car stopped on it's side situatuated horizontally across one of the busiest freeways in the country. He crawled out as fast as he could and got himself to the center divider so he would not be in the car if it got struck by another car.

My husband got the call when he was on his way to his early AA meeting ... I was asleep.

Anywho, the car is toast, our son is fine ... but pretty banged up. Of course he refused the paramedic's advice to go to hospital by ambulance. I told my husband NOT to bring him home until he's been to the ER .... and that's what he did. That airbag powder can be nasty stuff.

Son told me that the paramedic was there under 3 minutes.

Parenting .... the fast track to stress ....

I came to work today to rest !

Pep/Mom/Daughter/Wife

OMG, thank God he is okay. Unless you are a parent, you have no idea what fear really is.

It's been close to 10 years since my parents passed, and I remember it getting worse (if that's possible) as time went on, for awhile. It's like it takes a couple of years for the full magnitude of the loss of your mother to sink in. We are somewhat protected from the full force of it in the beginning I think.

In the movie "Beaches" the girl who gets cancer is frantically trying to find a picture of her mother because she desperately needs to see her hands. I so understand this.

For me, the grief is at a softer level now. It seems to be replaced with a kind of peace, and an incredible admiration of her.

In other words, every thought of my parents brings me joy these days. I cherish the dreams I have of my mom that seem so real when I awaken. It's like she was really alive again and they feeling of warmth she always gave washes over me...hard to explain. But I'm sure you know what I mean, unfortunately.

Mom wrote my daughter a letter I am to give to her on her 18th birthday (this July) along with a big old diamond ring ... I have been intensely curious to know what my Mom wrote, but at the same time ... aware that this will be a moment of heartbreak. The bittersweet moments really are the best ... *sigh*

Pep

I SOOO relate and EMPATHIZE with ALL that you are going through, Pep...

Recent lost of loved ones..parenting of young adults...

((((PEP))))) God Bless You!!!

Pep:

WOW!

Glad your son is ok!

I have another 16 months to Drivers License day! EEK!

(((PEP)))

LG