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My FWH wrote a letter to the MOW in July 2006. The PA ended December 2005 but he still had some PC in January 2006. It wasn't his idea to write the letter and he even used some of my phrases. Anyhow, I tried to deliver it back then but her H was home so I didn't. I have tried on other occasions as well until we moved to another state at the end of July. My 20 year old daughter went back to visit friends and tried to deliver my letter again, but it looks like they or just she may have moved. I still have the letter and I think I need her to read it. I don't want her to see where we live now, but I want to know for a fact that she has read it. Should I hire a PI to give it to her ?
BW - me 39
FWH - 40; EA 10/05-1/06; PA 12/05
Married 1987
DD1 12/11/05
DD2 12/17/05
Trying everyday
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I'm curious why you want to write to her. You must know that she cares nothing about you, or she wouldn't have had an affair with your husband.
How is your recovery going?
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The letter isn't from me - it's from my FWH. I guess I want her to read it because he tells her how the A meant nothing to him and so forth.
As far as my recovery, well I have good days and not so good days. I thought that by now I would be better.
Trying everyday
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Bella, can you find her address and just send it?
You have been in recovery for about a year, so your experience with good days and bad days sounds pretty normal. Do you feel it is any better today than it was 6 months ago?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Is it his no-contact letter?
from everything that i've read, your H should have put all of this effort into delivering his own NC letter to show that he is sincere about meeting your emotional needs and is committed to recovery
trying to have your daughter deliver it isn't a good idea at all in my opinion
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I have her address, but I don't think she lives there anymore. I would send it certified, but then she'd see my new address. I would also just send it through normal mail and hope she is having her mail forwarded, but then I wouldn't know for sure that she read it, and I think I need that. Is it bad that I want her to read the terrible things he says about her?
Yes, things are better today than they were 6 months ago, but I swear that I can't even watch TV without something making me feel horrible. Are you truly recovered? I like the thought that it can happen to others, so maybe it will eventually happen to me.
Trying everyday
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If it is a NC letter, then send it. If the letter is for any other purpose... just live your life and don't worry about that HO any more.
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I suppose it is his NC letter, but he doesn't care if she reads it or not. I think the letter is for me more than anything. I NEED her to read that he doesn't care what happens to her and that to him she doesn't exist anymore.
My daughter has helped me so much through all of this and she suggested taking the letter to OW. I would rather she didn't deliver it either, so should I hire a PI?
Trying everyday
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Eav, the WS is not supposed to ever contact the OP again so he couldn't deliver it himself. Usually the letter is written together, approved by the BS and either mailed together or by the BS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Bella, is there some reason you can't just mail it?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I NEED her to read that he doesn't care what happens to her and that to him she doesn't exist anymore. Why? The NC letter is to let her know she is not welcome to contact him... don't think for a minute that the letter is going to reach her beyond that. So, why do you NEED to know that she read it? Is it that you are concerned that your H still has feelings for her and this is a way to short circuit them???
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I still think a NC letter should be sent... I am just concerned for you based on your NEED to have her know something. The only NEED you should have concerning that hO is that she never contacts your H again.
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Is it bad that I want her to read the terrible things he says about her? No! I don't think so at all. I would want her to read his letter too. Perhaps a PI can deliver it? Yes, things are better today than they were 6 months ago, but I swear that I can't even watch TV without something making me feel horrible. Are you truly recovered? I like the thought that it can happen to others, so maybe it will eventually happen to me. yes! True recovery really does happen. I don't think about the affair anymore and we do have a great marriage. But Bella, I was also in a BAD place when I was one year into recovery. So please don't give up hope.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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you can have it delivered to her by the mail... you can send it resricted delivery and SHE would need to sign for it.
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mel
i wasn't suggesting that HE deliver it, just that he be the one putting some of this effort into getting it mailed to her.
it just doesn't sound like he has much invested in the letter as described by Bella in her first post.
perhaps it wouldhelp her to feel better if he understood the importance enough to help with this.
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Thank you all so much. I guess I need her to read it so that she doesn't think she has any part of him anymore. My FWH wrote the letter, but I did approve it and he used things I have said before. If I send it restricted mail does it have to have my address on it?
Melodylane - it's good to hear that I still have a good chance of recovering. I was starting to feel like if I didn't feel a lot better by this point that maybe I never would.
Trying everyday
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Understand, Eav. I would imagine that she DOES have more invested in delivering it, which would be understandable.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melodylane - it's good to hear that I still have a good chance of recovering. I was starting to feel like if I didn't feel a lot better by this point that maybe I never would. Bella, is he invested in the recovery of your marriage? It certainly sounds like contact has ended. Have you explored what led to the affair and taken steps to correct that? Do y'all have an active program of recovery?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Bella,
could you call her local post office from the last address you have and ask them if her mail is being forewarded?
If that doesn't work, i'd try peoplefinder or zabba.com (i think that's the other site) to try to get her new address.
I'd at least try those things before spending the money on a PI.
ps
it IS nice that your daughter is so invested in your recovery
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Yes he is very invested into the recovery of our marriage. It took him a few months but he is now working hard towards making things right. I went to counseling from January 2006 through June 2006. My husband came with me to a few of the sessions. We have explored why and/or how the A happened and we've made positive changes to remedy those problems. The thing is that sometimes I am just so sad.
Trying everyday
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