For a recap:

my story

Now I feel I have sufficient evidence to expose tha affair to "God and all" so I did. First I talked to their boss. He was not able to do anything because they have no policy concerning such actions. So that was a dead end. Then I sent out emails, mostly to her friends and family but some common friends and church members. I think I may have taken the wrong approach with that, but I cannot undo what I'm now doubting myself on. She called right away after I met with her boss. Not sure who told her. Then she called later and asked who all I emailed. I don't feel obligated to tell her anything other than I know of the affair.

She is very upset and is ready for divorce. I'm still working on myself and still trying to save my marriage but I feel it's really over. She is out of town until tomorrow. She still denies everything. My FIL is now calling my parents and threatening me through them. I feel things are going to get a lot uglier and at this point I don't know what else to do.

Did I do the right thing?

Help!

Yes, you did the right thing, but did you tell her parents? What about the OM's wife, if any?

All waywards threaten divorce when they are exposed. That is no big deal. It makes them madder than he11 when someone interferes wht the affair.

The OM is not in any relationship as far as I know. I may call her mom tonight. Her dad has already contacted my parents threatening to sue me but for what, I don't know. I kinda messed up and sent a mass email using her contact list. Probably not the smartest move, especially since I sent it from work.

I knew she'd be livid. I'm still certain my marriage is over. I can just tell.

Well, it will be over if that's what you want. If you want to recover your marriage, then you did the right thing.

jrlex,

I know it is hard to see right now, but if you want to have any hope of saving your marriage, you DID the right thing. She will not be mad...She will be LIVID! She will tell you some combination of the following: "I was going to try to work things out but now...!" or "You've done it now." or "I could NEVER love you now." or "How could you do something like this to me." or "Why are you trying to ruin my life?"

She will also say she is leaving, RIGHT NOW! She will spout all sorts of venom. What ever you do, do NOT respond in kind. Instead, try to respond in kindness. Don't be all sweet and try to minimize it, just tell her "I am doing what I believe I need to do to save my family."

If she threatens divorce, just say "I won't discuss divorce right now, I will only discuss saving my marriage."

She may respond with "The marriage is over, why can't you accept it?" to which you reply, "I don't feel it is over, I still want to rebuild it so that it is better than it was."

Whatever you do, don't lose your temper. Don't explode. Don't love bust. No angry outbursts. No DJs. No LBs. If you have to, walk away. If you need to vent and blow off steam, do it here. Do NOT get in your car and drive a hundred miles per hour. Do NOT go to the local watering hole and drown your sorrows.

Stay cool. Stay calm. Stay composed. Anything she says will be fog-speak, remember that.

Am I saying your marriage will be saved? Nope! Am I saying it will be saved in X days? Nope! I am saying that your best hope for ending the A was to expose it to the light of day. That is done. Don't defend it, don't apologize for it and don't pretend it didn't happen. Also don't expect her to fall at your feet and beg forgiveness, 'cause that ain't gonna happen.

Hang tuff.
Hang on.
Hang loose...

If the A ends, good! If not, decide your next move while you wait so that you don't fall into the begging and pleading trap so many of us do.

Today on his radio show, Dr Harley repeated that Plan A alone seldom ends an A. He said that often a BS just needs to carry on and wait for it to die out, which it nearly always does of it's own accord. Just keep working on yourself and make your home, with you, a great place for her to land when it does end.

Mark

jr, I have never seen exposure cause the end of the marriage, but i have seen 100% of betrayed spouses think it will. It don't, so don't get excited. You should view your W as a crack addict who has just had her pipe snatchcd from her. OF COURSE SHE WILL BE ANGRY. You ain't going to get an AWARD for interfering with her affair.

Please remember the GOAL here, jr. It is not to appease her at all costs but to SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE. Your marriage can survive some temporary anger, it can't survive an affair.

I would pick up the phone NOW and call her father. MAKE SURE HE HAS THE TRUE STORY. If the story comes from your W it will be a LIE, spun with you starring as SATAN. Tell him that your W is having an affair and you love your wife and want to save your marriage. Ask him if he can speak to his D about ending her affair.

FIL: BUT YOU HVE RUINED MY DD'S REPUTATION BY TELLNG PEOPLE!!

You: please know that I love WS and if her reputation is ruined it is because of her adulterous affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy and I am doing what I can to bust up her affair. That is the only hope I have of saving my marriage. Can I count on your support in persuading her to end her affair?

I don't know if exposing it really did anything to help matters though. She's called me and stated she's received neumerous phone calls from people I emailed and wanted to know who I contacted. I wouldn't give her any info. She's upset I went public the way I did and still refuses to admit she was having an affair. She would only say that she wasn't sleeping around. She doesn't want anything to do with me. She's really disgusted with me and can't believe I did what I did.

Apparently it did help matters; the affair is now exposed and she is forced to explain herself. That will cause huge conflict in the affair.

Of course she is "upset" and "disgusted." she is supposed to be.

Call her Dad and make sure her parents get the truth! She will lie and spin the story to them.

I guess I am confused about the response you expected. What did you expect to happen EXACTLY?

I don't know if I want to even touch the phone to talk to her dad. He's the typs that justifies divorce saying it takes 2 or 3 marriages to find someone you like. He won't listen to me and the last thing I want is to start a huge argument over the phone.

I feel I can talk to her mom. Her parents are divorced. I don't know if she'll believe what I have to say but I know she'll at least listen.

I feel like I have rapidly moved to plan B. That's if she doesn't have divorce papers for me to sign by next week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

She made a comment she'd have to find a new place to work and a new church because of everyone I told. Now if she's so innocent why would she have to do that? She told me earlier today she was leaving the state.

Then call her mother. Get the true story out there.

There is no reason to go into Plan B and there are no divorce papers. calm down....

Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you remember Jayban. His WW moved out and was having an affair with an OM that she and Jay both worked with. She said that it was over and she wanted a D. Two and a half weeks later, she called him up and said she was going to try NC. This will last a week or two. When she cools back down, you will be in plan A. Also try contacting OM's parents/family. They can be a powerful ally in ending the A. If you don't know who they are, do a little detective work. Exposure will EVENTUALLY kill the affair much quicker than it would have normally lasted. You did the right thing. Every one of us has heard the same thing when we exposed. If you don't believe me, go back a few pages, find my story and check out pages 8-10. It's typical WS script.

Jim..when did Jayban's ww go NC? I must have missed it. His last post was 2/16.

He stopped posting here (because she found the site). It is something that he and his WW have begun negotiating. She isn't going to commit to the M, but she isn't going to file and has talked about transferring to a different department and NC.

I tried talking to her parents but they would not talk to me. They just said they'd see me in court.

I'm really worried about what her family and friends will tell her to do. She still denies it and is telling her family the things I did over the summer that started the whole ordeal so of course they're going to hate me. I know that doesn't justify her actions but they will side with her and I doubt they put any pressure on what they don't believe is happening. Her dad sent me a responce to my email stating

"You just made the biggest mistake of your life. SEE YOU IN COURT!"

I'm not sure what that means but I think things are going to get really ugly. I feel I did the right thing but I also feel I've hit a new all time low. I'm very scared at this point. I feel she wil file for D and try to take me to the cleaners, with her family's support and ideas. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Maybe I should have just kept the email to her parents and talked to her boss and left it at that. I felt I had to get to everybody, though. I know that hurt her. I didn't think about that because I was doing what I felt I had to do to save us. Maybe that was an incorrect move on my part. I'm sorry to say that I actually feel terrible and I feel I didn't do the right thing now. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I think I should have tried plan A a little longer before exposing. I don't see how she'll want to come back to me after what I'm putting her through. I will still go about plan A but...

JR.... think in these terms you have been married 8 years, it will take some time to recovery if its possible.. You need to learn to be strong and the lighthouse for your wife. Don't bend dont argue just be loving.

FIL is probably a no starter, but attempt to console MIL.

The venom from a WS is always the strongest from those who sit on the fence the most.

The only "legal" leg they have to stand on is if you said something in the e-mail that wasn't true. You waited until you had the facts; so let them litigate - you can then counter sue for costs and damages because you have the facts.

I have that feeling of dispair in my stomach this morning. It's actually hard for me to breathe. I was very tired last night but kept having bad dreams and waking up in a sweat. I've had my time of crying so I don't feel like crying anymore but I have this deep hurt inside. I don't see my counselor until tomorrow afternoon.

I guess today I will go and see about getting a legal separation. No one I know has any advice as far as that goes. Everyone just tells me to divorce her with the exception of a couple friends.

I am so lost. Maybe that's why I feel so down right now. Maybe it's because I fear what her actions will/may be. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />