((jrlex))

I know how you feel right now. It's a huge wound.

First, I want to say that filing legal separation is a good step as opposed to divorce. Think if it as breathing space. Having a lawyer who is understanding of your choice will help too. I called a lawyer in my church to get a referral for someone who would respect my values but also would be able to protect me and my kids.

For encouragement go back and read the posts you got after you exposed. This is textbook Wayward behavior. That doesn't make it any easier on the BS though.

I am so glad you are seeing a counselor. Are you also seeing your doctor? I'd work with both of them. Initially I was having trouble sleeping and got so tired of crying all the time. I finally got on anti-depressants (AD's) and they helped stabilze my emotional lows and my weight loss due to stress.

Hang in there!

I guess what I fear most is the huge LB it caused by telling all her friends and family through a mass email. It was the only way I could think of exposing it. I fear that pushed her over the edge and she may not want to come back to me because of that and in fact want a divorce. But I guess ultimately I have to respect her choice. I know I hurt her by doing it and I wasn't looking to hurt her at all. I guess I never really thought about that aspect of the exposure. I was just hoping to get it out in the open and possibly get someone to pressure her about it. I've probably told people that don't need to know. I'm pretty sure every single person I emailed now hates me. Personally I don't see how I can ever face any of them ever again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

I think I will look into going on meds as much as I hate the idea. I don't think I can handle these feelings much longer. It is definately affecting my work. It's all I ever talk about anymore.

As for the legal separation, I don't know what to expect. I'm having a difficult time finding anyone with knowledge on a good lawyer for stuff like this. I may have to resort to the yellow pages. We don't have a whole lot of money but we do have a joint checking account and all our bills together. She's always been the responsible one in that area so I know little to nothing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> I'm not even sure what to tell the lawyer about what it is I want. I really do expect my WW to file as soon as she gets back from her trip.

Most of the time WS parents stick with thier kid. Don't let that get you down.



See how she is making this look like your the nut job, not her? She HAS to deflect blame. She knows she is DEAD WRONG and is too fogged out to see it. All carp, just crap coming from her mouth. Ignore it. As time goes on people will she her for who she is and what she did.




Wait until this is all over and we will see who made the biggest mistake. Ignore him also. All he is getting right now is how bad you were to his little girl and then how you made up chit about an A. To add to it you went and told people about this made up A. Blah blah blah coming from WW to FIL.

Sure things will get ugly - you just brought day light to her dirty little secret. YOU DID DO THE RIGHT THING. Break it down to what you really did. All you did was tell people the truth about your wife. During normal non A times it may go like this "Yeah my wife cooked the best ham I've had in years." Nothing bad there right? Now how about this "Yeah my wife is in an A with______" All you did was deliver the message - she created the issues to start with.

You will feel like it is over, but it is not. Hard to picture right now, but trust us here.




Agian, you did the right thing by telling any and all people. You feel terrible because she wants you to feel like that. YOU ruined her fun - you A hole. Get it? I think you do.

Plan A is as much about improving you as it is about breaking up the A. Exposure is one of the best tools to break up an A.

You have done a good job. It will be a little while before your WW calms down. Don't let her family get to you. How many are there of them and how many are there of us?

Also you don't do LS. You work on your M.

Right now you are hurting, lost and confused. All VERY normal at this stage of this sick game. For now - don't do anything M wise. Sure, go see your Dr., but don't make a M move without coming here first.

Your wife is pi55ed - what did you think she would do? She will get over it. You are not sure that you should have expposed right? Your other option would have been to sit back and hope that she just ends the A on her own. It could have happened that way, but it would have taken much longer.

You did the right/best thing you could to save your M.

What should my next move be? Should I sit and wait to see what she does when she gets back into town? Should I get some kind of legal separation? Does a legal separation protect me in any way should she decide to divorce me?

Uh-oh, I just got an email from my HR rep for a meeting, me , my boss and an HR rep. This doesn't look good. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

jrlex- You did the right thing as many have said,by exposing. Whether or not you went about it 'the right way' is irrelevant.

Currently, your WW is going through crazy emotions, as are you. She is not thinking rationally at all. I would personally let things calm down a bit, on both ends.

If you truly want to try and save this marriage, you need to show her you are strong, caring, positive, etc. Don't be emotional and don;'t talk about the relationship right now.

I feel your pain so much...I can't stand it. The just makes me so angry to see anyone go through this.

Anyway, try and relax the best you can (impossible, right?) and get a grip on YOUR life right now. You need to stabilize yourself before you can stabilize your marriage or try to save it.

-VS

Boy her Dad's a real winner isn't he.....

I warned you of her wrath .. her almighty, teeth-gritted, spittle -flying, fist-clenched, unfathomable, pure WRATH! in a previous post. This is expected. This is part of the script. Trust me and the other posters here that have been through this. We've lived this horror movie before you so we know how this is unfolding .. and ..we know you're pain and confusion. We know how you feel. .. truely. I understand the ache you described in your chest .. I've felt that before.

Now is the defining moment. Now is the defining hour. Do not proceed with a LS. What you do now is going to greatly determine your outcome. You need to be a lighthouse, you need to somnehow let her know there is a way home .. and that you still love her..truely, and deeply love her .. and your not going anywhere..find a way to let her know..then sit back .. and be patient..now is not the time for retaliation, love-busting, worry, keep your emotions in check.

Finally, know this. Whatever happens - you're still you. You still have a heartbeat, and you're still alive .. and you will go ON! .. even if ..down the road..it's divorce..you will live on..and you will always be loved by God..who will never leave you .. or forsake you.

Thanks all!

I'll try to report back after my meeting. A thought one of my co-workers had was that I may have been called up to HR because my WW decided to serve me some papers of some sort, possibly divorce or a restraining order or something. That would be some record timing! Guess I'll see in about 45 minutes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

In an earlier post, you said you sent out the exposure mass email from work...did you send it from your work email address??

WW may have contacted your employer.

I did. I realized after the fact that was not the proper thing to do. I'm not sure who it was but it was sent back to my employer's HR dept.

I was called in to talk to our HR director to make sure I understood the policy that no personal email's were to be sent during work hours, content not withstanding. I did understand that. She also wanted me to know that email's have a way of reaching those I never intended. She said she knew more about my situation than she wants to. She did offer assistance, as well as recommended a health and wellness program we contract with. I already go there. Both she and my boss were really nice, understanding, and supportive and wanted me to know the company takes care of their good employees and that they were here for me.

I have no idea who sent the email back but my first suspect is my FIL. Could be any one in her family.

I feel a lot better than I did this morning but I haven't heard from WW yet. I will try to conduct plan A to the best of my abilities.

Thanks again!

Exactly what did you say in that e-mail, jrlex?

F FIL- He will eat crow one day.

You posted this today - "It is definately affecting my work"

You need to watch this one buddy. I know it is so damn hard to work and not think about this every min, but you need this good job. Your bosses were pretty good about it, but you don't want to push it.

Don't do anything to give FIL more ammo right now. He is the wild card here.

When you hear from your wife she may/will say some of the following:
- I was going to work on our M, but not anymore b/c you told everyone.
- It's over now buster
- You've done it this time, we are done.
- I loved you up to you did what you did.

Things like that. Don't listen to any of it. All fog crap. She will try to turn it to make it look like you ruined the M, not her. Yeah right!!


Your doing the best that can be expected at this point - hang in there.

Here is a copy of the message I sent. In retrospet I wish I would have came here for advice before sending it. The last 8 months have been nothing but, "shoulda, woulda, coulda." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

It is with a sad heart I write to you all today. I am writing you to inform you of a pressing matter that needs to be exposed. "Wife" is having an affair with a co-worker by the name of "Other man". He goes by "OM".



I know this comes at a great shock, believe me, no one is more shocked than I. I realize that all of you will not want to believe and may choose not to believe what I have shared. I have enough proof to look each and every single person in the eyes and tell you face to face "Wife" is committing adultery. I really need you all to understand I love "Wife" very much and I am working on saving my marriage. If "Wife" chooses to end her affair and work on our marriage, I am willing to work towards forgiveness and work on our marriage. I believe the first step is exposing the affair out in the open once adequate proof has been obtained. I believe an affair cannot exist for long if it is exposed. I believe if "Wife" ends her affair she may be able to see the right things instead of the fantasy she has created. I know that our future is completely in "Wife's" hands. I realize it is up to her whether she wants to work things out and continue life with me. I cannot choose her feelings or force her to decide.



We have been separated since the beginning of the year and I wanted to believe the reasons were completely because of me. Because of the situation "Wife" and I are in and because of the relationship "Wife" has with "OM", our marriage is definitely in danger. I know I am very much to blame, as over the years I have not been the best husband for "Wife". I also did some unspeakable things over the summer I am not proud of. Some of you may know what transpired, others may not. I believe "Wife" will state these as the reasons for our separation and the reasons she now wants to divorce me. While these reasons may have been true in the beginning they were definitely swayed by "Wife's" friendship with "OM" and because I am exposing the truth that is her affair, she will be very angry with me and look to get at me in any way possible.



First let me explain that affairs are created and maintained by secrecy and lies. I know she will deny and lie about the affair. She has already expressed she will now divorce me because I have gone public with her affair. It is to be expected. Please believe me when I say I am not out to get her, I am not spreading lies and slander. What I care about more than anything in the world is the commitment "Wife" and I made to each other and to God. I am working on saving my marriage and I will continue until my last dying breath or unless "Wife" decides to divorce me. I will accept and respect her decision to divorce if she so chooses. But I cannot have her in my life committing adultery. That is on her.



I ask that you pray for me, for her, and for our marriage. I am confident I am doing the right thing.



Thank you all and God bless,

It's easy to see things after the fact. I still almost wish I hadn't done it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

What always gets me is the ages of MOST people in this situation. Early 30s. Hmmm...

Anyways, yes - she will be beyond p*ssed that you did that. Standard stuff. She will spout horrid things at you, tell you that the marriage is over, she is going to divorce you, etc, etc. Remember, it's all normal stuff.

Will the next few weeks be horrible? Yes.
You will probably feel like most here, me included, that "Oh my God, exposure just ended my marriage". Exposure will not end the M my friend, it will end the A.

Plan A what you can, when you can and lay low. Don't secondguess yourself, your letter, your exposure. It will be tough to do anything Plan A-like for a little while. I would say 1-3 weeks.

Contemplate Plan B for fun, then get rid of that silly notion. You will be able to Plan A when the smoke clears, so be kind until then.

Supposing she does file for divorce right away, say early next week, is there anything I should do? Do I have any options?

JR, you need to start antidepressants as soon as possible. They work only to even out your emotional reactions. They don’t eliminate them; they just give you a little stability so you can spend more time thinking instead of emoting. You’ll be able to sleep instead of laying there staring at the ceiling in the dark.

*****

Take a look at this thread: [color:"red"]Ark's "Be Still" Thread[/color]

Take what Ark has to say to heart. Be still! Quit going over every little thing again and again, worrying about what you could have done better and why you didn’t do it.

*****

Your FIL is just blowing smoke up your caboose. You can’t be sued for exposing what your WW has been doing. It’s not libelous and it’s not slander if it’s true. Check with your attorney to get concrete reinforcement on that, but I’ve never heard of any such threat actually going to trial.

BTW, have you finished your exposure? Don’t do any more mass mailings, but be sure you’ve let everyone who can reasonably be expected to be able to put pressure on the adultery know about the obscenity that has intruded into your marriage.

Have you finished the “discovery” phase? Do you have enough information on what your WW has done or, if appropriate, IS DOING? Information is as important for a betrayed spouse as it is for a military operation.

Are you journaling all that happens?

Look, don’t worry about your in-laws failure to come in on your side. Remember, in their minds, she’s their little girl they conceived so many years ago. Get this picture in your mind...because they surely have it: she’s still the four-year-old who ran to them for comfort and aid when she scraped her knee doing something she shouldn't have been. Okay? Got it? Blood is thicker than than son-in-laws...or something like that.

The point is, don't expect their support. Pardner, getting a FIL’s support in things like this is a long shot at best. Your in-laws know about this now though. If they’re decent people, they’re not all that comfortable with what she’s done. If you just must have your in-laws’ approval, you can take comfort in NOT assuming your FIL’s reaction to YOU is the same feedback they’re giving her…or that their support of her today will continue in all the tomorrows to come. Don’t worry about them. You can’t make them do anything any faster than their own feelings will push them.

A final thought: If you get a chance to talk with the in-laws in the future, or talk with your WW's priest, etc., it's probably better to do it in person and it's advisable to have something to show them. A picture of WW and OM wrapped in each other's arms and kissing each other, for instance, will go a LONG way toward convincing them...or a judge, should things come to their worst.

Now, JR, here’s an important question for you to answer. What’s your plan to recover your marriage?

JR, talk to your lawyer about your options re a divorce action. Then, let your lawyer talk divorce while you only discuss marriage when speaking to your WW. Protect yourself while you're working on recoverying the relationship.

Your letter was dignified and powerful. Very manly. I didn't read anything in that letter that was cruel or nasty. I think you did great.
Oh, and anybody with a typewriter and a filing fee can sue anybody else. Doesn't mean they will prevail.
Stay the course.

Aye, be still. My WW said I would have papers by the end of the week when I confronted. That was 3 weeks ago. It follows a pretty standard script to threaten divorce when exposure happens. Lay low, be still, stay calm and cool.

Take comfort in knowing that these stories all are OH SO DARN SIMILIAR that there's a good chance things will turn out the way folks call them. It took me awhile to go with the flow, my friends here had to pull me through a small grate kicking and screaming to the light.

Remember two seemingly contradictary things:
1. Every situation is unique and you know the feel on the ground better than anyone.
2. Uncanny Reality: Waywards follow a pretty predictable script.