You can see my story here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3188042


I've been doing some serious thinking and really think that there is no reason to try and save a marriage that as been effected by an affair.

I feel that the act of adultery is the single worst act you could commit emotionally to someone on this earth. Why would we want someone who is capable of that in our lives? Are we succumbing because we feel we are inferior and weak and could do no better? Are we not supposed to be strong and positive. Would a strong person want to work on a marriage with someone who is willing to sleep with another person while in a committed relationship, vowed under God?

Again, forgive my ignorance here. I just feel there are so many 'fish in the sea', why should we be jumping through hoops (Plan A, Plan B) to get someone back who has committed the ultimate act of disrespect? Why should we (BS) continue to try and lure this person back? Sure we love(d) them, but at what point do you sit back and say 'what kind of person would do this to someone?'. At what point to you wake up and say, 'no way someone is going to do this to me and my family'.

I guess I'm just having one of those days. But please help me understand this better. I feel that if I got back with my WW, it would be like giving her a get out of jail free card, and an avenue to further walk all over me and disrespect me. The future would always be scarred with this A, and even though trust can be earned back, would you ever really trust this person again? The A will always be in the back of your head. No? Maybe I need to do more reading.

Vince,

What you are feeling is very normal, it's thoughts that we all as BS have... frequently. I can just explain from my perspective.. I have 27 years vested in my relationship with my WH and 3 children. It's not easy watching a family being torn apart on the selfishness of someone who is suppose to love us. Granted he says he not doing this to the kids... but infidelity sucks the life out of everyone involved. I frequently wonder if it's love that makes me want to keep my family together or is it fear of the unknown. This is something I'm still struggling with.
I can tell you one thing trust can be earned back.... BUT you will never trust her as you once did. Personally I don't think I'll ever completely trsut anyone again like I did.

Still

I ask myself the same questions everyday. I sometimes cannot believe the hurt I go through to try to save my marriage. For me it is because I love my WW unconditionally. We've been married for over 8 years. Of course I don't want to give that up. I don't know if I will ever be able to trust her again. I do know that she gave me the best years of my life. I do have hope for the future if things work out. My discovery day was yesterday so I feel I am closer to divorce than ever right now. Ultimately I have chosen to leave that up to her. I hate to use the excuse "I don't believe in divorce" but for me that is true. I do realize that at some point divorce becomes necessary. I guess that depends on each individuals thresh hold. I have a feeling my WW will reach hers before I reach mine. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

VS,

I have not read your posts but I have a different perspective from my 32 years of being in a marriage merely because I vowed to God I would commit, even if I did not love my husband.

In fact, I often wondered about a way out because I was certain that this "godly" man would never provide me with a legitimate 'out'.

But he did. (See my sig...don't know how to link yet...gotta figure that out soon.)

And I changed, and he's changing and we're in recovery of a marraige I now want with all my heart.

Keep reading and posting your thoughts. It will take time and many major and minor setbacks. But do not get impulsive as I'm certain you will most likely regret the results.

Keep seeking.

Ace

I'm fighting with the same idea right now that I'm into my 6 weeks of Plan B with the last 3 weeks in Darkness. My plan right now is to give it another six months before I file. I just can't give her the 'free to screw around' card beyond that; I wouldn't and I will not live like that.

Well, I feel a little bit better seeing that I am not 'crazy'.

Don't get me wrong, my wife was the best person in the world (i thought) before this A happened. I am know left in ruins while she continues her single fantasy life. I just feel that I would be settling for her by taking her back. There are plenty women out there that do believe in the sanctity of marriage and would hold true the their vows, that I truly hold sacred, unfortunately, my WW not so much.

So I guess I'm struggling with this whole mess of even trying to get her back. I would feel a huge pride hit and the unknowns of what lies ahead scare me. Is or isn't she coming back? Are we going to be able to recover from this?

Wouldn't just be easier to cut our losses and move on, especially with no kids involved (as is my sitch).

Sorry to be such a downer today, but I'm just retrospecting a lot. I also understand that this website is for people wanting to save their marriage. I feel like I love my old life, not my WW. Yes, I committed under God 'for better or worse', but do you still keep your vows when the other clearly hasn't and committed the 'ultimate act' of betrayal? The internal struggle continues....

Vince,
No one on this site is going to berate you for not wanting to save your M or for cutting your losses. I want you to know there are going to be days when you feel that way. And the next you'll feel that saving your M is the most important thing in the world. Sometimes it's minute to minute.
Are you seeing a IC.. maybe that would help you put this in perspective.
In my situation I thought I was through back in October.... now I'm still fighting for my M... not the one I had I want a better one with my WH.
That may not happen.. although I want to save my WH from the path he is going down I can't. I'm just letting him know I'm there for him to listen and help if he wants it.
I'll keep you in my prayers.

Still

Vince,

You’re not alone and I’m not you or know your stitch. But given that there is no kids involved and married for less than two years, I would give her a little time then you should cut your loses and don’t look back. My stitch would be so much easier if we didn’t have kids.

You deserve better, god bless.

No kids, young... no reason to stay. You can and would do better.

Ditto. In fact, as the worst of time during our recovery, I remind myself that D would likely be even worse on the kids.

True I am young with no kids, but I have spent nearly a third of my life with WW. I loved her in ways I never thought were possible. We had so many memorable and unbelievable experiences. Thats my struggle.

I know I could find someone else to satisfy my EN's and me her EN's, but I feel like I have a lot invested in this realtionship. I'm just not sure if I would ever be able turn the page (reconcile), or if I am even going to be given that chance. Why keep the door open and keep fighting if its only going to be slammed in your face (more hurt and pain)? I guess that's what life is all about. No one knows the future and you can only make your best decisions when confronted with them daily and go from there.

Still, Mike, all - thanks so much. Your persepectives are fantastic.

jrlex - I'm hurting with you. I feel your pain. I will pray for you.

God bless to everyone.....

vincestrong,
i ask myself the same questions every day. but the way i look at it is this: i don't want to regret not trying later.
i think that's probably how you would feel if you didn't try.
so give it your best shot, and if it doesn't work out, you will have no regrets

good luck!

Believe me, I feel exactly the same as you. We have no children. For many years she wanted a family and I didn't. It wasn't until recently I decided I was ready for a family. But that is out of the question right now.

What you and I are struggling with right now is fear; fear of the unknown. I know it would be so much easier to just give up, cut my losses, and never look back. I'm tired of feeling like this. The thing is, everyone tells me that if we make it through this we WILL be much stronger and we WILL have a better marriage than we ever possibly imagined. How can anyone NOT want that? I've spent over 9 years with this woman and we shared so much and I don't want to let that go. Maybe part of it is the fear of starting over. I know 31 isn't old, but I'm not even remotely interested in starting a new relationship and building something new at my age. For me, I believe in one marriage for life. I guess I feel if the marriage I had could turn the way it did, what will keep the next from doing the same. I know the answer lies in myself and what I have learned from this marriage but my faith will have deminished should this one fail.

Try to keep your hopes and head up Vince. Remember, you are not alone. I will pray for you.

jrlex...we really are in the same boot. Although I have only been married 16 months, I feel like I have been married for 8. We were together every waking moment possible since we met. We loved so hard, so much. Sure, I would love to get that back, it's just hard to see that right now. When she first told me of EA, I asked her that no matter what happens, to please respect the marriage (ie. not cheat). She said she would. Well obviously that didn't happen. The ultimate act of disrespect. The subsequent lying and utter horrid treatment of me was indescribable. I would be crying and she would be like "I f'ing hate you, why won't you just go away" etc., etc.

Why does this woman deserve me? hmmm......

You are all in my prayers...and God bless. No one ever deserves this pain we have all endured. No one.

Vince

Every day of Plan B I can feel my heart grow a little harder and colder. It is not a matter of getting accustomed to living without WW after 25 years of marriage, but a growing desire to have her out of my life for all the reasons you mention. DD19 is off to college and the thought of a possible 2-year or longer recovery with no certainty of outcome has an extremely limited appeal.

However the high cost value of the experience regarding any possible future relationships is immeasurable. The previously unknown concept of emotional needs and affair proofing any relationship is huge.

I have been betrayed and torn down to my core by the one person on Earth I would have trusted with my life. And it was easy as I was the most susceptible person on Earth to believe her lies and deception. I can not imagine ever being that naïve or trusting in a relationship again. What a contrary way to have to approach any meaningful relationship again.

Could you imagine ever hearing, “I need some space”, or the “I love you, but I am not in love with you” speech from another partner again? She would be on her butt in the front yard fifteen seconds later with her stuff raining down on her from the porch while I am laughing my [censored] off.

Stay Strong.


Personally I'm always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.
– Winston Churchill

We are not retreating—we are advancing in another direction.
--General Douglas Mac Arthur (1880-1964)

Oh jr and vince, how I wished I was 30yo and no kids. (Just to be clear, I love my kids but bring them into this mess is just not fair to them.) You guys don't know how lucky you are. You guys will have a full life ahead of you even if the M doesn't make it. Give your M some time but you need to have a limit in back of your mind when to let go and don't look back. I found the unknown is the hardest part to face with our stitch but once you get pass that, you'll be able to do anything.

Wish you guys the best.

I truly belive this is the hardest thing anyone will eer have to go through.

The person you love the most on this earth not loving you and sharing intimate relations with another person. The thought kills me.....

Anyone who has to go through this will be stronger no doubt. But I feel this may scar me for life.

vince,

just want to say I SOOO feel your pain. What a crappy predicament to be put in. And for what?

My sitch is different from yours in that I am 46, married 25 years with three children.

I have to say, had I been 30 when this happened, and with no children, I would have been "outta here."

It's just not worth the pain. You can find someone better. You're young ... no kids ...

Even if she does come around, then you have all sorts of other pain to go through, just dealing with the thought of it everyday, the trust issues. What I'm saying is, I am in recovery. And recovery is even more difficult than discovery.

Honestly, I would move on.

Young M, no kids --> general recommendation is to end it.

Kids, over 50 or so --> general recommendation is to estimate Value = Benefit - Cost of recovery. This value is situationally dependent and not always positive.

As difficult as it is when under such stress, you have to lovingly detach and do the math.

with prayers,

I echo rltraveled's comments. Your S cheated on you 16 months into your M. 16 months after taking vows with you. This isn't a good sign at all.

You are young, you have no kids, and I suspect little combined investment. While you may still love your S, I suspect this is love based on who you thought she was, not what she IS, what she's now demonstrated herself to be. And unfortunately, even if you love her for who she is, love is not enough for a strong M - you need the trust and commitment as well, from both parties involved. Your S has destroyed the former and raised serious concerns about the latter. This is a lot to deal with so early in your M. While I respect you for still trying to make a go at it, I'm really concerned that you're setting yourself up for even more disappointment later on.