PS - Som e of this is a repeat of a post on the Plan A/Plan B section. Chrisner suggested I come here for advice from the pros. I am looking for help.


Wife started EA on 1/31 with her boss. Told me on 2/3. She is adament about a divorce. The OM's wife made her promise not to talk to him for 1 week (until 2/27). On the first day I saw she called him twice by looking at her phone log and I caught her e-mailing from home with work account. She dos see him every day at work too. One e-mail said "she felt comfort knowing he will always be there holding her hand". The other one said "Mike is trying to guilt me into staying by making me nice dinners, cleaning the house. taking care of kids. I'll be guilty, but I won't be staying." When confronted she denied it. She cannot lie to me and it was apparent on her face (she giggles when she lies). Plus, I knew. It got a little heated and my 4 year old got scared - I don't want that. I have been trying to do Plan A for about 18 days and have probably only made it through 3 or 4 days without getting a little upset. Even though I know that MB is the only plan that could work, I can't get over the lies and plain old disrespect and pretend that isn't happening.

[color:"red"] Do I just need to ignore it when she is on the phone with him in my house or e-mailing him? [/color]

Today when she got home I asked her why she did not eat the morel mushroom risotto I made her. She said she went to White Castle with the OM instead (obviously a slam to me cause of my practice of making gourmet meals 3-4 days a week. She says she does not need the Lexus, meals, pro-hockey tickets, my body (I'm a former bodybuilder, the OM is overweight and smokes), good sex (she says I am the best of the 19 men she has had, but that is not important) - she only needs the love/affection/understanding she gets from him. I will ask SH this tomorrow in my session, but here is my other question.

[color:"red"] If she is going to be this blatant and disrespectful, should I move to Plan B sooner? I feel I am enabling her to have a nice life and a lover on the side. [/color]

She would need to move out because she needs to get the 4 year old into her new school district for kindergarten B4 Sept if the D is going to happen. Our suburb is too expensive for either of us to stay. The only way she is able to keep up at work is that I cook meals (salmon with pesto tonight), watch the kids, do laundry, etc. But she claims she has only been in EA for the month of Feb, so I don't know if this is too soon. I have snooped and not really any proof that this has been going on for a long time. I don't think she has had sex with him, but probably many make out sessions. Obvious by her undies that she got excited during the day many times - believe me, I know her underwear <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />. If she is not home, I can't really show her I really love her like Plan A is supposed to do.

Not sure if I stay with Plan A or force a fast Plan B.

[color:"red"] Anyone know of any sample Plan B letters out here? [/color]

Have you exposed this to there workplace?
I would let the OMW know that contact is still going on.
You need to expose expose expose.

Still

PS
It's much to early for Plan B. Hold on to your seat for this rollercoaster ride.

Still

Hey MinnesotaMike
Talking to SH a few times will help you clear things up for you. You will be counselled to stay in plan A as long as you do not LB back and can take it. Plan B is dangerous. Dr WH would suggest competing with OM’s fullfilement of your wife’s affection and intimate conversation needs, exposing to everyone especially OM’s wife and your WW’s family.

EA is very dangerous to a marriage. Psychology Today had a great artical on that lately.

Did you ask her to stop contact with OM?

I could go on and on but realise that a love bank takes a long time to fill and if your wife is in withdrawal from you, she may not let you blatantly address the first 2 most important needs of women Affection and Intimate Conversation.

I did call HR at her company to expose this as an ethical issue. They never called back. HR asked WW if she felt "forced" - she said no. So they just found her a new job. Her old co-workers feel WW got special treatment. I'm a Director at a Fortune 100 corporation and assumed I could lose my job over something like this. Obviously this Life Insurance company (currently under investigation by MN Attorney General for selling 20 yr annuities to old people) is not too ethical. I've told everyone I can think of. I feel powerless to break it up. The OMW "supposedly" does not want to talk to me. She doesn't seem too smart.

Most of them are this blatently disrespectful.

Please talk to the OM's wife. That is your best course of action. Also expose to family and friends.

She has said that she is not stopping this A. She asks me to give her privacy to call him. She claims it is only a matter of time until she gets a lawyer. So, asking her to have NC is not going to work. She isn't afraid to tell me she sees him every day, etc. It is really in my face. Hard to stay Plan A, when you know she sees him everyday privately. I still doubt it is a PA, but admitted to thinking of him when in bed with me on 2/1. I have heard her vibrator running in the other room - undoubtedly with him on her mind. I can't beleive she is shoving this in my face, after a lot of happy years and almost never a fight.

If it is a PA or an EA is realy just a technicality now but still, it is important for you to do a good plan A

Good move with the HR… That shines light on the A. And affaires thrive in the secrecy.

Did you talk with OM's wife personally what she knows and how she feels..

Do you snoop... Key logger on computer, phone tap, GPS car, Follow her with video camera, hire PI. Look over phone records etc. This will give you proof to use in confrunting OM, WW and when exposing. People having affairs deny deny and deny... “He is just a friend” is a cliché here.

DLK

I did see phone records (a few calls a day), CC bills showed nothing. Not sure why I need to snoop more - she admits fully and says she will continue. She says she feels "guilty" - maybe a sign of some Plan A progress. It may start to get easier - my physician perscribed a low dose anti-depressent to even out some of the roller-coaster of emotions. I start taking it tomorrow. Will take a couple of weeks to take effect. I want her to stay in the house to show her I love her and so my little girls are not too upset. But, it is not fun being at home and sucking it up as she sits in the other room e-mailing/texting him every night. She was a super mom. Now she spends 3-4 hours a night on her work computer.

A thought,
Keylog her computer. You will have documents to expose to OM's wife. Like Believer said, when she wakes up to what is going on, she could be your best ally in breaking this up.

Where did you get this info? If you got it from any source other than talking directly with OMW, do not believe it!!

Maybe I should stay in Plan A, but ask her to move out so I don't have to have this ting in my face everyday? Or is that counter-productive?

Mike,

First....call the OMW today and share information. Don't believe she doesn't want to talk to you unless you hear it from her. Have you spoken to your wife's parents or siblings about what's going on? Have you asked for the their help?

SH is the pro....so follow his directions....but here is my opinion about Plan A with an unrepentant and blatant spouse. I absolutely believe that an earlier Plan B is in order when you're dealing with a really cruel and abusive WS. When someone is treating you with this much disrespect and disdain....Plan A can make you feel pathetic and defeated. BUT...even if you plan to go to NC sooner than most....it's essential to do the best short Plan A....that you can prior to separation. More important than gourmet dinners is your ability to control your emotions and stop lovebusters. As you mentioned....this guy is no match for you....he's an out of shape smoker....and your wife doesn't like him better than you....she likes the way he makes her feel about herself better.

Of course you're getting upset!! She's purposely making you upset so that you lovebust and she can justify her unethical choices.

One other question.....you mentioned that if you go to Plan B, your wife will have to move to get the girls in school. Waywards are obviously poor spouses during affairs....but they're often poor parents too!

Thanks Star. Make sense that she likes how he makes her feel. I also thought about my prior post that more or less says "I'm really great, how can she leave". I think that attitude is part of what got me into this mess. I thought she "could not resist me" no matter if I met her EN's or not. Boy was I wrong. And I know that if this ends up in divorce I am in for more heartache with the next woman if I don't figure out how to meet the needs of my partner.

Last night was OK, but I again saw her e-mailing him (she admitted it) and it set me off again. I guess I will see what SH has to say today.

Thanks everyone. I knew PlanA would be hard in this situation, but I thought I would do better than I am. I don't think she really wants to move out, but I am certainly pushing her in that direction.

Mike they are words man all they are words, she is acting like one of your kids by throwing verbal punch's.... remember she is an alien a person with a fish on her head talking blah blah blah. You need to look at her when she doesn't think your looking... My WW would always have a force smile, a big happy smile but when you left her alone and she didn't think anyone was looking.... the pain I saw in her face just made me feel sorry for her even more.

You have your choices she has her's..... she WANTS you to give up to make her feel better, what do you want?

Decide that and you know your course

I think you are right, she kind of does like to see me get upset...

I agree about the WS parenting skills. She used to spend hours with the kids each night. Now she is on her computer all night. She says "all i ever did was watch TV with them. Now I am in the next room and they are watching TV so it is the same". She would not have said such a thing a month ago - andshe did a lot more than just watch TV. She played games, dolls and did puzzles with them. When I said it is obvious that the kids are already affected she said, "well I can't make everyone in this world happy at the same time" - it is like she is an alien. She always put the kids first until this A.

Vike

I want my wife and family back. I want us to be happier than ever.

You are right - she is super stressed out and not happy much of the time.

Vike -

I want my wife and family back. I want us to be happy. I do not want to give up.

I think I am going to stop posting for a while this morning and work on my taxes - that will be way less stressful than thinking about this. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

you need to remember words like projection and passive aggressive and narcissitic behavior.

She is not in a healthy place mentally or physically. You don't need to challenge her anymore, show her a light house.

Set your boundaries, write up you phrases....

when she starts down the path of oh me and the om did.....
you reply... "out of respect of me and the kids I ask that his name not be mentioned around me or the children." said in a calm and loving way.... NOW be prepared for her to respond to such strength as your controlling and manipulative or worse... she will go into a rant about how he stuck something somewheres and she liked it... it may be true it may not, but they are just words.

In times like these peoples true colors show the brightest, now she is lost and confussed and making things up like ethics and morals as she goes, but if she presist in this behaviour for months, then are these her true colors finally showing.... Now most WW will crack if you take away their justification scenarios, oh my H yells my H was emotionally abusive etc etc. Then her justification goes away and all she has his her own actions.

Now what are you going to do to be a lighthouse?
What are you going to do to protect your daughter's?

You need to setup clear boundaries, you need to get them in front of her and your lawyer.

For instance,

1) No OP around home or kids - that means talk chat or email
2) No fighting in front of kids
3) Family in counseling
4) what you feel are boundaries for you


You have a long road to haul, not for WW but for yourself. I and the others H here have been down these paths before and just like how we talk about WS scripts and fog and they all act the same, a BS has scripts and their own fog to deal with.... You are a pup in a den of wolves <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Welcome to the pack.

I think you should start posting more reflective information for a bit, like what got you her, what have you looked back on and want to change about YOU and your family not WW, then you can start formulating a plan

And stop assuming that your wife is going to have custody (moving so that your 4 year old is in the right school district)

If she leaves, she leaves alone.

Put a keylogger on the phone line she uses to connect her computer to -- if you can.

And first and foremost -- contact OM's wife!!!
Don't believe anything that comes from a tainted source (your wife or OM....)

When is your appointment?