I try to look at both sides of these issues....and I really do see validity from both perspectives. I think MB is an incredible resource....but it has all the psychological dynamics (good and bad) associated with online forums....and that's the truth.
The Psychology of CyberspaceThe rudeness, bullying and groupspeak most definitely exist and are probably getting worse as the community gets larger and larger....that's pretty normal too. But here's the thing....you can't really do anything about it except be strong, be cool, or walk away. Arguing doesn't help....it just escalates it.
A long time ago....I wrote a guide for posters and it still applies:
[color:" blue"]*expect some posters to rub you the wrong way...it's a big world and not everyone agrees or perceives things in the same light. Some people express those differences respectfully...some don't....you can't control it.
*communication styles are different....some posters are kind and tactful, some are direct or abrasive.
Most are trying to help. The world and this forum are full of individuals, and like the world...you'll like some and dislike some.
*don't expect to be able to control or limit who posts on your threads....or even which way the thread goes...it's not realistic and will drive you crazy. If you want a certain poster to respond to you....put their name in the title, but that is never going insure that the rest of the posters can read and post at their will...just like you can.
*don't make assumptions about posters or situations without doing your homework and understand the HISTORY of a problem. It's easy to misunderstand posts if you see a response in the single context of one thread. Many posters here have been conversing for months or years and are commenting on more than is written in the thread in question.
*try not to take things personally...usually they aren't.
*if you must assume something...assume the best until proven otherwise....don't just react and lash out, but try asking questions and getting more information if something strikes you the wrong way.
*don't expect to get someone kicked off the site for being "mean" to you. It just does not happen. It takes alot to get banned from this site, so learning tolerance and detachment are essential to feeling good about your time here.
*only part of the responsibilty for feeling insulted lies in the disrespectful poster....the greatest part...is the responsibility of the listener. This isn't a marriage or friendship...or even real life...it's an anonymous message board where the majority of what each individual can realistically control is their own perception and reactions...not other people here.
*the best way to deal with someone who you feel is being unfair to you....is avoid them and not respond. You can notify the mods...but as I mentioned before...don't expect any serious reaction unless the attack is obscene or relentless over time. When you respond defensively or make judgements about others...expect more responses from the person you are trying to avoid.
*come here with an open mind....not to teach or judge but to LEARN and you will get the maximum benefit from this site. Different perspectives can open new avenues and opportunities if you check your ego at the door and realize we are all students of life and marriage.
*don't expect fairness, consideration, sympathy or sensitivity. This isn't a therapy office. Encourage those things....YES...but don't expect them because this forum is OPEN to all but the very distructive few who have blatantly misused it. People come here with bias, hurt, history etc. and the advice WILL be peppered with all the flavors of the people who inhabit it.
*
if you are emotionally affected by the reponses you get on this board....it is not a safe place for you...consider your health and don't post here.*when you habitually whine about your treatment here....most people will dismiss your grievances. Defend yourself in a respectful manner without alot of drama if you need to.[/color]
But on the back side of all of this....I definitely see the what the original posters are talking about. I'm discouraged about some of the rigidity and inflexibility which disrespects individuals and undermines their autonomy. Occasionally....that results in a kind of "ganging up" on one or another poster. It's weird too....because I've seen the confusion and disillusionment from people who feel as though they're part of the "group/clique" and then all of a sudden....the group turns on
them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
It's always been like this.....but it hasn't been as bad. There's been an evolution since I've been here....and it's not a pretty one. I see more and more people withdrawing to a quieter gentler corner of the forum rather than posting on GQII (full contact, combat posting). They want the ability to hear different perspectives without the drama and infighting. They also want to be able to choose their own path without feeling marginalized or stupid.
I still tell folks to come here....because if you can stick it out....you get the most consistent help on GQ. However, the idea that "words" can't harm people or that 2X4s are a good symbol of communication (or even tough love!) is a crock IMO. Even in the concepts of tough love....bashing (real or verbal) is NOT a part of "love". Tough love is <really> about enforcing boundaries....not insulting or creating shame. And one of the biggest problems with the whole tough love approach here on MB....is the "love" is missing. Most people barely even KNOW each other, and the 2X4's are not about LOVE....they're about all kinds of other things....and some are not pretty at all. The fact that
sometimes 2X4s help....isn't much of a recommendation for it as a communication style, and ignores the fact that they often harm instead of help. 2X4s break what you hit as often as they knock things in place.
Aside from that....the whole concept of tough love is under alot of scrutiny because of abuse. The trouble with tough love is twofold. First, the underlying philosophy....that pain produces growth, while true, lends itself to abuse of power. Second, and more important, toughness doesn't begin to address the real problem.....you don't create esteem by destroying it. You don't empower people by kicking them.
It's funny....but I bet rather than lend any balance to this issue....I'll just p*ss off BOTH sides LOL!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
