Sheeeezh, Mom, ya sound like my mom..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> Actually my mom does not (and hopefully will never) know about the A.

Welllll, it was quite simple. We had a challenge, decided on the strategy solution, he changed his mind impulsively and did the opposite of what we agreed we would do and did not tell me.....I found the incriminating email (job related, nothing to do with the A) and he started to cover it up, but actually confessed the first time I asked him specific questions about it.

I was glad he confessed, but I wish he had just told me during one of the many times I spoke of the situation generally. He finally admitted it when I asked him about it specifically. But after I expressed disappointment, 4 months of the repressed anger (which I thought might be lurking beneath the tough exterior) rose up and erupted.....and I thought of JKG sayin' he didn't want to explode. It wasn't pretty, but did make him feel better. (Scared the bejeebers out of me, though!)

He was frustrated b/c he thought I was discounting all his efforts for the past 4 months by emphasizing one act of lying by ommission or just sheer forgetfulness.

That's it. But it felt like he may as well hooked up with another woman......that's the depth of the violation and trigger and LBs all combined....LB's suck, don't they?

But thanks to MB and our N/O MC, we'll just use it to grow and keep on trudgin'!

That's my story and I'm stickin' with it...until it changes! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Ace

Movin' on... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Yeah, yeah, yah....ya smart aleck. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Hey JKG.....thanks for checkin' in. Hope all's well.

Ace

JUST a few thoughts and questions:

***

MARK: Saw where you're going under the knife ... or laser....or whatever. We'll be praying for you. If you're unable to get online for awhile, here's an idea for you in the meantime.

You promised to tell me how cool fishing is. It will probably be similar to my H's reasons, although it may sound different coming from the midwest perspective (!?) He now says he does not want to go fishing without me all spring! So I gotta change my thinking fast....I want to want to go with him.....so you could list all the reasons I should want to want to go fishing with H if/when you get bored? Please? Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I mentioned I would reply to your post above about pre-destination and our marriage choices, but I could not find my response even though I remembered addressing it. Then I saw your name as the last poster on the MR. ROMANCE thread and remembered that I had responded there to both you and Lost In The World. (Not sure if she has read my response, though, but I'm glad she is back and apparently open to challenges.)

Also, do you know that when you get the "page no longer valid" after you hit 'continue', that you can get your post back (maybe) by hitting the 'back' button? Then you can copy and paste to a new reply box and hit continue again. (If you did that and still couldn't find your post, sorry!)

***

MOM...please check out the Trigger Dumping thread as Inner Strength was looking for FWS prespective on the possibility that YOU have triggers, too.....or do you? Still looking for your thoughts on my Mr. ROMANCE chapters and then I'll send the nitty gritty details of our above described temporary setback.....if you're still interested.

***

JUST KEEP GOIN: Keep coming back! We will ask for 'anger management' tools from our MC in our next appt. next week. We want to do everything possibly to avoide another anger explosion like we had this week.

***

22DEVASTATED: How's it going? Did you read the article I linked on forgiving and forgetting? Plese check in when you can.

***

FROG: I liked your "broken bone needs to heal properly" concept. In my extensive communication with OW, I tried to help her deal with her betrayal withdrawal...(yeah, I know, I'm a glutton for punishment in the guise of wanting to help everyone....even the *#%&@* who had phone sex with my husband)....anyhow, she is so foggy that she claims she fixed what led to her affair herself. W H A T E V E R !!!! And combined with a husband who most likely is in denial and believing all her lies, she will most likely have tons of misery down the road. But I tried and now I really don't care anymore. I even used the "broken bone" analogy but she didn't get it and most likely never will. Her loss. (If you're lurking here, MS OW IN DENIAL....I hope you get it eventually....sort of!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

***

RPRYNNE: Your post about 'just compensation' was right on. In fact it helped 22D see that we are not alone. I linked Dr Harley's "Forgive and Forget" article to that post....have you read it? I, too wish it was emphasized more. That concept validated me and helped my husband realize that saying "I'm sorry" was only the beginning. Our pastor spoke about the difference between remorse and repentence and 'just compensation' plays a significant role.

****

As mentioned, we have a follow-up session with our new/old MC next week to deal with anger mgmt. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" /> and other issues. Any one else have any hints for JKG and me regarding how to deal with anger?

Ace

Ace,

I've learned a lot of tricks dealing with this forum software. I usually write everything out, proof it, run the Google spell checker, cut and paste to wordpad, refresh the screen, paste back to the reply box and the hit continue. Yesterday, I did some more editing before I hit the button, got the dreaded message that means "You type too slow and we don't allow your kind to post o this software version" and when I hit back, I had a perfectly lovely empty reply box staring at me.

Unlike you, I'm not likely to get fired for posting while at work. I just have a boss that will give me 50 things to do, return to her office and think a while, write down all the projects that she needs to get done, then come back and give me the list she wrote...And in the free seconds of the day, I actually have a job to do and wait on customers that may wander in, answer the phone, mainly to screen calls for everyone else, since people that call me want to buy something instead of selling something and I also try to impart what I have learned in 16 years at my job to the newbies, who are only working for us till they find a real job.

BTW, my surgery is for a skin graft to fix a wound that came from a bacterial infection that was turning my skin into something that looked like over-cooked rice noodles. I had that surgery on Jan 19th. Now I get to have my tire patch put on. The said Duct Tape wouldn't work and WD40 only makes it slippery. OK, need to tell the joke now:

<begin joke>
There are only two REAL tools...

Duct Tape and WD40.

If it's supposed to move and doesn't, use WD40.

If it's not supposed to move and does, use Duct Tape.

<end joke>

Yeah, I'm working on my fishing lessons for you.

Later,

Mark

My family does know...but they don't like to get messy, so no one's brought it up with me. I was angry about the exposure at first, but not now. Anywho, I have no email from you, I'm thinking you didn't get mine from yesterday so I resent it.

I understand your H's frustration, but still, he was in the wrong...It's good that you are going to MC...hopefully he'll find a better way of expressing his feelings that doesn't scare the beejeezers outta ya...

Mom

Mom,

They say this is a 2 year minimum process. I am a bit peeved at the OW at times for bestowing this 'privilege to grow' <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> on me/us and then saying, "I'm all fixed now, life is great", with no clue what she's done to me/us.....of course she had a partner in crime, but at least I see his remorse, repentence, grovelling, begging, whining, which, btw, I asked him not to do anymore.

Remorse and repentence is fine, but the begging and whining got old real fast. What is it with the WS grovelling...is there one or two "L"s in groveling?

Seee...I can get so angry I tj and get OT on my own thread.

I'll stop now.

Ace

Ace,

I had the satisfaction of being able in fell-swoop to have a faceoff with the OM and expose to his W at the same time. Couldn't have been better. Called and told him we need to talk when my WW came clean about the A. He told me he would come right over. Incredibly his wife came along because she had answered the phone and had figured out something was going on.

So we had our conversation and I let his wife know about the A and him know that it was over.

I have no idea how their relationship has been since but I do know that he was going to have to do a lot of repair work at home too. So at least he didn't get off without some consequence for this mess they created. I sometimes just wish there was more I could have done but in the face of it that was fairly satisfactory.

Ace, Mom, JKG, IS and all,

Getting ready to go to the hospital and get a hole cut in my leg to fix the hole on my chest/side. Makes sense to me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Actually, it is only a split-skin graft, so the donor piece will only be something less than the thickness of a piece of paper. My Internet research says typical skin grafts of this type are between 3 and 8 /1000 of an inch thick. The donor site turns out more like "road rash" than an incision.

So, they will take a piece from my leg, run it through a machine that resembles the thing used for making "cube steaks" (puts slits in the skin to make a mesh so it will stretch.) They will then spread it over the area, work it into shape and fasten it down with a staple gun. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

So this time around I will be worked on by the Plumbers and Pipe Fitters (IVs, etc), Meat Cutters (surgeons) and the Carpenters Local. (staples) At least I think it is a union shop. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

The primary dressing will be a foamed polyurethane pad covered with a vacuum device that will compress the pad against the graft to hold it, help with drainage (can't have fluids under the new skin or it won't attach properly) and keep the air away to cause the blood vessels to grow into the patch.

They still don't think Duct Tape will work.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

See y'all later. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Mark

Hope all goes well...MARK. We're praying for you...come on back and threadjack us with your good report <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JUST KEEP GOIN', you've inspired me again. I think my anger needs to be dealt with and it was revealed to me by your apparent satisfaction with your thorough exposure (which I did not do 6 months late) and with MarriedForever's frenzied exposure yesterday.

We will be going to our MC so both of us can deal with this anger.....it controls too much of our lives.

Again, thanks. How are you doing now?

Ace

Sounds delightful... I guess that cube steak I have defrosting in the frig for dinner tonight is out<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

LOL!

Eh, can't gross me out! I've been sliced and diced for my two kiddos (c-sections) and had a nice hole drilled in my skull to remove a blood clot (fastened with staples!!). Now I have a metal plate and am the subject of plenty of jokes from hubby. I can't even enjoy it though because it doesn't set off any alarms at the airport..bummer, I could've had so much fun with them trying to figure that out!

Although Mark, I do give you lots of credit for your humorous take on your procedure, it's quite inspiring.

You know they remove staples? With a thing that looks just like an office staple remover, no anesthesia, just pop those things outta my head. quite delightful. That didn't hurt though, it does hurt when they remove the staples from your abdomen though. Yuck.

I have a feeling this isn't helping though...hmmm...

Uhhh...best wishes, get well soon and all that!!!!!

Mom

Mark,
thinkin about you gettin the leg shaved and filleted. Hope all goes well for you there.

Ace,
I'm glad I can be inspiring to someone. I've thought many times how I wish I could have done more in the way of helping the OM see the error of his ways, like giving him a helping nudge over the edge of a cliff, but since that is not going to happen I thought that the exposure was pretty good in the overall skeem of things.

Yup exactly you need to get a handle on this anger and not let it eat on you like I have. We still do well if and when I just let it go. But it seems I still have a long way to go in that regard.

JKG,

So you're doing better than you were at the beginning of this week, huh?


I thought Rprynne had some great points and I'm wondering if those might have been the 'thought-provoking' challenges to which you might have referred.

Or did you realize something else besides 'just letting go' as you mentioned in this recent post? How does Mrs. JKG help or hurt your ability to deal with your anger? Was or is she open to MC, even if she feels she's over it....just to help you get over it, too?

Ace

It's comes and goes. Still just trying to make sense of how I feel.


Yep Rprynne nailed me pretty good in her post.
But looking at it still hasn't changed or lessoned the emotion that I feel when I stop and think about what happened...
I guess it just is.....

I don't think W can do any more than she has. Compensation is not really an issue because there isn't any that can change what happened.
It really is about me just letting it go and its about time. But how........?

JKG.....please check out the thread on OP ANGER DUMPSTER. Some insights there might help us.

Ace

LADY CLUELESS suggests that her post fits on this thread, too. I think she's right. Any thoughts for her?

Ace

***

Re: OP ANGER DUMPSTER (Did MF's exposure reveal OP anger to anyone else?) [Re: MelodyLane]
#3197510 - Sun Mar 04 2007 08:35 AM

I think most of my anger is now directed toward my H...not so much to his affair(s), but due to his continuing wayward frame of mind, even though I know he has not cheated in at least 8 years...although I am keeping my eye on the possibility of a new EA.

I have harbored anger toward the STD Tramp...probably because of the nasty lil' bugs that she passed on to my WH, who then passed them on to me. Thank God they were curable!

Since she died 5 years after their ONS (which I think may have actually been 2-3 ONS) and he didn't admit to the ONS or tell me who she was until 13 years after the STD episode, there wasn't much I could do. No point in exposing to anyone in her family (why hurt her mother?), but I have harbored fantasies of dumping a huge pile of poop onto her grave. Again, never carried that out because of her elderly mother. I even told WH that I was gonna do it after her mother died, and what's more, HE was gonna conribute to the pile. Well, her mother died a couple of weeks ago...and somehow...it's not really important anymore. Besides, I really don't want to store poop in my freezer until I have enough to make a big pile, plus, with DNA testing...don't want to be able to have it traced back to me...although I did consider collecting the poop from the dog pen instead of washing it down the drain. Eeew! Don't wanna do that, either.

One thing I absolutely cannot stand to hear is a man saying, "She's just a ho."...especially when I know that he has no problem with boinking hos. That's what my H had to say about the STD Tramp. Anyway, I made it clear to him that any man who would boink a ho has no business speaking of such women as if he is somehow "better" than she is. In fact, I've made the same comment to some of his friends who are so disrespectful toward women.

I have no anger toward the last OW...because I honestly don't believe she was aware of his feeligns toward her until she became aware that their "friendship" was causing trouble between us and backed off really fast. Of course, that could change if I ever find out that anythng physical ever happened between them.

The others? Well, although I BELIEVE that something happened with at least 2 other women, I have no proof. If I ever find out the truth of the matter, my anger might pop up.

Right now, my relationship with my H belongs on your other thread...the one about "just get over it".

--------------------
Me: BS-55 WH-59
Married 36 years
H admits to only one ONS, but I believe there were more. H no longer cheating, refuses MC, wants me to forget everything.
I have one foot in the vicinity of heading out the door.

Ace,

I'm home. I'm not ready for any marathons yet, but I am able to feed myself. I can even dress myself, as long as I don't have to wear pants or socks, which will tend to keep me indoors for a while. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

The graft did well, officially 95% "take." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I wore the wound pump (vacuum device) till yesterday and within a couple hours of having it removed, was told I could go home. The most pain (so far) was trying to get the 2 ft square piece of Tegaderm off my chest. Can you say serious bikini wax? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> The staples come out Monday, we'll see which hurts more.

When I got home, W had a real surprise for me. She hired someone to complete a couple of home improvement projects that I had to put on hold. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> The laminate floor is complete in the spare bedroom (I had hall and dining room complete.) All of the trim I had piled up in the garage is cut, mitered and installed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" /> The light on the basement stairs, that has died repeatedly for the last 10 years has been replaced <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> and the kitchen faucet that started leaking in late December has a shiny new one in its place. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> (Should make washing my hair at the kitchen sink easier.)

Maybe I should get really sick about once per year... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Well, maybe not... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Mark

YEA!!!! Welcome back and thanks for the threadjack! Shows how important you are around here...this had slipped down to page 3 or 4.

Inner Strength had a call our for you too. We all missed you and we're glad you're back. I figured you would be since I posted to the MR. ROMANCE saga thread and moved your name off the active page. I also have some news that actually fits on this thread but could lead to chapter 6 of that saga.

H and I saw our new/old MC who has been using and promoting MB products and books for many decades. He actually was very tough on H when we revealed his A......which helps with my fear and anger levels.

And.....check out the OP Anger Dumpster thread where some intriguing discussion seems to have helped Just Keep Goin with some of the issues that started this thread.

Again, glad you're back, Mark. And it's neat to hear your W was so thoughtful while you were gone.

Ace

PS I'm off today so I can post in the day time but I will be gone this afternoon.