|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
We are all free to make our own decisions. Some, I support, because I see a more full picture. In this case, I see a person making excuses for why she CANNOT continue. I don't hear someone talking of how to get to a better place with her H, only how to D.
Again, I would like for those advising her to D to consider how you would feel if you were in her BH's shoes, having people suggest that she leave without HUGE amounts of effort.
Look, in the case of abuse, it is tough to decide this one. If the FWS feels that the BS will NEVER change, because SOOOO much time has gone in to making him feel a level of comfort with her again, then that is one thing. I just don't read that in her posts. I read about someone who is resentful of the lot she has to deal with. Her life did not just HAPPEN, she chose it. The question for her is, does she feel that SHE has truly vested herself in recovery?
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
(((((EAV)))))...MY EMOTIONAL SOUL MATE....I SOOOO ALMOST ALWAYS AGREE WITH YOU!!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 1,884 |
Oh, tigger, I, in no way, was being specific about any poster to the FWS. I was just wondering why anyone would consider giving her advice to D, without any REAL information from her about what is good about her H, what attracted to him in the first place, without excuses as to how he TURNED OUT.
I didn't think you were talking about me directly, but wanted you to see that there had been positive posts to this FWW. In fact, I think you may have miss read what has been said to her, because the majority of the posters to her are of the "get off your butt and do something instead of looking for excuses to D your H." Many posters have encouraged her to find out her H's EN and start filling them.
Looking at your sig line, I'd say you are a good person to post to the FWS, as you also have OC and have RECOVERED your M.
I guess I don't understand what would make you think I was specific about WHO I was posting about. BTW, no one specific. I just noticed that the FWS keeps asking the same questions about D. WE all are aware that D can have a profound effect on children, mostly, NOT ALL, negative effects.
Yes, the poster keeps asking the same questions, and I think it's because she isn't getting the answers she wants to hear. She wants this to be easy, when it's going to be the hardest thing in her entire life.
I don't always agree with the advice given here, to others, or to myself, but I believe we all have a right to give it. My advice to everyone, in most cases, is stop making excuses for why you can't and figure out if and how you CAN...
I think it's bad form to come to Marriage BUILDERS and advise anyone to D, without a REAL SOLID try. I guess I just don't see that here. I would hate to think that this poster could be MY WH, getting advise to just give up on me; that to me is AWFUL, for myself and my child. Just bad form... Can you show me WHERE she was advised to just D? I would really like to see it. I'm being honest here, and really do wish to see it. In cases like this, I rarely give D advice but try to encourage the poster to try to salvage the damage and make it better.
Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 245
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 245 |
Um.... Sorry to those reading here. I just now saw the thread posted by McBecca... as I do not spend much time here, and quickly scan the threads, I did not see the referred to poster before now.
I quess this is what they call - taking it out of context. Sorry Eav, for misunderstanding.
Upon reading Eav's above quote, I thought it was insensitive to those working on infidelity and marriage involving children.
As I now have no way to convey this to Eav, she will prolly never know. Once again, I was uninformed about this poster and spoke too soon. As I do stand on my thoughts and words about what Eav wrote about divorce, I was unaware of the ongoing thread about McB.... once again.. sorry if I offended Eav or anyone else here.
Actually registered ~ Jan 2005
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,819
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 2,819 |
Post from Carnation Um.... Sorry to those reading here. I just now saw the thread posted by McBecca... as I do not spend much time here, and quickly scan the threads, I did not see the referred to poster before now.
I quess this is what they call - taking it out of context. Sorry Eav, for misunderstanding.
Upon reading Eav's above quote, I thought it was insensitive to those working on infidelity and marriage involving children.
As I now have no way to convey this to Eav, she will prolly never know. Once again, I was uninformed about this poster and spoke too soon. As I do stand on my thoughts and words about what Eav wrote about divorce, I was unaware of the ongoing thread about McB.... once again.. sorry if I offended Eav or anyone else here.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 4,138 |
tigger
i believe the poster herself is the one who keeps coming back to "D" as her best option
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871 |
I wouldn't necessarily say anyone is saying that it is their ADVICE that she D, but I do see excuses being made showing a good reason to D (namely her BH's previous behavior in the M, prior to the A), and support for her walk down memory lane. If a spouse is abusive, I do see this, when there is no alternative, as grounds for D. I'm just not sure if this particular BH is guilty of anything right now, except licking his wounds, and being honest with where he is (emotionally) right now. I'm not there, so I cannot speak for him, but I'm sure that I would be deeply hurt by my spouse having multiple affairs, one ending with OC. OUCH...
I just think it is convenient to talk about the behaviors of BOTH spouses prior to the A, and USE that against them when they are not behaving as you would like, and this goes both ways.
I agree with eav, in this case, also, that I hear the poster 'looking' for someone to back her up. With what I've read so far, I cannot do that.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2002
Posts: 15,310 |
You've come a long way Eve
thank you for sharing
Pep I was thinking this today, too.. It's true for you and me both...with SOMEWHAT similar childhoods..DEPRESSION... and then INFIDELITY.. I think that's why we feel the same about MARRIAGE...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
|
|
|
|
1 members (coooper),
578
guests, and
68
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,623
Posts2,323,511
Members72,002
| |
Most Online3,224
May 9th, 2025
|
|
|
|
