TFC,

Beyond an apology from you, there is nothing productive that can come from contact between any of the involved parties.

This is a matter that your H should have been immediately informed of. Why would you even consider hiding this from him and why have you waited to tell him?

Regardless of the things your H is doing, if you want your M, it is your responsibility to show your H that you are willing to do what it takes to get there - that you are completely transparent and will not make decisions that affect him without his enthusiastic agreement. If he is still there, it is likely that he will come around. Try to understand that he is in immense pain.

Any action taken regarding OMW's contact is a matter that should be POJA'd between yourself and your H.

frozen is right to a point. she will stop contacting you when you ask her to or she will have to deal with it legally. your h didnt say a whole lot when you mentioned it. ask him if he cares? i am trying to go with frozen on this to an extent and poja (policy of joint agreement). somehow she needs to be Stopped. how are things with you and H? hoping for friendly. talk to you soon.

I only waited to tell him b/c he was out of town, and I felt it was important to share this in person. He didn't really seem to care when I told him. But yesterday he asked if I had received anymore "psycho messages" from her ... I told him no. He said that though they haven't really spoken much, she does occasionally contact him to present more evidence. I told him that he doesn't need anymore evidence, that I had admitted to it and he already had the proof he needs should he decide to D me. I asked if we could both ask her to quit contacting us. He said he feels like he needs to maintain a relationship with her "just in case" ... in case of what? In case I decide to fight a D! I've already said that if it ends I would like for it to be amicable, but there is a lack of trust there. So, I don't know ...

Good job.


This action is dangerous for your marriage. If what he wants is details, have you given them all to him? If you are willing to be completely forthcoming about all the "evidence" that he wants to know, would he be willing to get what he needs via that method?

Just as you were an intruder in OM's marriage, so is OMW in your marriage. Perhaps your H doesn't realize that NC is for everyone involved. In a way, his maintaining contact with OWH is inadvertently allowing OM to be an indirect part of your life and your marriage and that is dangerous ground.

TFC,

""He said he feels like he needs to maintain a relationship with her "just in case" ... in case of what?""

OK, this is your H, the BH, speaking about your OM's wife, the BW correct??

This sounds a little whacky to you and you are correct in that the exposure is done. The truth has been told.

But, in a BS, there always lurks in the backs of our minds, that there is more that could be discovered. You actually were with the OM sexually 10 times rather than the 7 times you admitted. You stayed with him 2 nights in a row instead of the one night.

I know I had to do all KINDS of detective work after the my Dday.

ALSO, one other reason he needs to keep contact is with 2 of them keeping tabs on the WSs (you and OM)there will be a better chance of catching one of you breaking the NC.

The trust will take a while or a very long while.

IMHO

krk

ok. let him talk to her if he wants to. the threats need to stop though. you dont want contact with her/by her (whatever). it is already harrassment. when you demand that she stop communicating with you, in writing, she HAS to stop. if it continues, it goes to court and you get a restraining order. not a big deal (as in she wont go to jail unless she touches you, she probably wont even get a fine but you will be able to get that restraining order). she will stop when you put it in writing and let her know what the consequences will be if she contacts you again for anything. also, i would just keep it between you and her as in dont mention your husband or the talks that they have had At All. just tell her, i forbid you to ever contact me again. if you do i will go to the police.

as for hubby, if it comes up again, just say i took care of it. if he wants details - show him a copy of the note.

when writing the note, keep in mind that if she gets out of hand - it will basicly be published in the newspaper (quite an exaggeration) and the "whole world" will see it (your whole world and hers).

as a back up - i would call the police station and ask what constitutes harassment in your area and how it is supposed be handled by you. make sure that you do it right and she will go away.

I know and understand this. I really, really do.
But I know from experience that OMW is not the place to find these answers.

The A has already been exposed. After the initial comparison of stories, continued contact poses much, much more of a threat than it offers a gain.





To advise anyone to agree with their spouse having continued contact with a member of the opposite sex that excludes their spouse is a direct contradiction of MB princples and dangerous, particularly when the individual(s) has been recently betrayed. The risk for a revenge A is high.



Exactly. Your H should be completely informed of any contact or action that you take as a result.

they haven't really spoken much, she does occasionally contact him to present more evidence

... this is not continued contact, it is occasional. and i believe that when TFC sends note to OMW's she will not only stop contact with TFC but H as well. I say, for now it is ok.

this is not indicating that TFC should not be on the lookout for an avenge A... could happen but i dont really think it will in this case.

Ask any BS on this forum if they thought it would happen in their case.

It seems rather foolish to me to encourage or condone putting a marriage at risk, particularly when there are alternative methods of accomplishing verification of a breach in NC or a gathering of details.

Dr. Harley clearly states that a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, particularly one that excludes your spouse, is a risk.

This marriage is vulnerable enough without adding further risks. Why take a chance? Is that really something to gamble with?



Contact is contact.

I have to say I agree with Frozen. She is already showing how hurt she is by harassing TFC. I can definitly see MOW wanting TFC to hurt as bad as she is. I say her contacting TFC'S H is a very bad idea. After the exposure there is no need to talk to one another other than if there is C between the two WS's. This is just my .02

D.I.G.

So OM is trying to contact my H as of yesterday. We have agreed that we do not want any further contact with EITHER one of them! It stirs the pot more and more each time and the obsession is unhealthy. BH has decided that he has plenty of info (and we have everything in the open) and needs no further minute pieces of info or reminders. I received another nasty text message from her today ... I am over it! I understand that she is hurt and wants me too as well, but this is enough.

Questions about my letter:
1. Can I send one to OMW & OM jointly, though we understand them to be divorcing? We only have 1 address for them.
2. Should I send it certified mail so that I have proof she/they received it?
3. Should both me & H sign separately so they see it is from both of us?

I think you have made a very pro-marriage/pro-recovery decision.



1.) You can address it to both of them. Stress to them that no further intrusions on your marriage will be tolerated and state what action you will take if your boundary is crossed (i.e. filing a restraining order, a harrassment suit, etc...).

2.) Definitely send it via certified mail and save copies for yourself. Document everything and let them know that you are documenting everything.

3.) Yes. It is important to present a united front.

Likely, when they get the message that you will not tolerate this behavior, it will stop.

If it doesn't, you can protect yourself by enforcing your boundary.

I am very proud of you for working with your H as a team. GOOD JOB!

Me too! If you've read my other thread (Trying to save it, against all odds), you'd see this is a big step for him - especially today.