Good Morning...Just a little update this morning...H came in with coffee for me this morning...in a great mood, telling me about his night...a co-worker had locked his keys in his truck and H helped him unlock the door...

I drank my coffee and took my leave, walked the dog and went take a shower...

I just located the number that I need and I'm waiting for a moment when I can call and have some privacy this morning...even if they can't help they may be able to provide me with some direction...

Then, I was reading that probably don't qualify for Legal aid but that remains to be seen...I've got some thoughts about the direction that I need to take with that also...

I really don't want to enlist the help of my parents, I think that I would feel better if I handled this on my own accord...this is my problem not their and I know that they are more than happy to assist but all the same...I'd rather do it on my own if I can...

I was thinking about going back to a previous screen name...the one before this one...I'm sure not the person that I was when I got here so I feel that it doesn't fit; however, the second would be great!

Thank you all for your help...it's finally clear that I'm getting crumbs and that's just NOT good enough for me...

I was talking with my S and she said that there's not much that I say that she disagrees with, that I'm a very intellent person who thinks clearly...

Um...LOL...She had so many great things to say about the boys...How intellent F is and how playful L is, that he's a character...That F is going to be the one to help console me, my little buddy and L will be the one to make me smile...

I told her about my belief that until the date is final that I believe that you can't even date b/c that's Adultry...and that I think that it would be unhealthy to do that anyway b/c there are alot of issues that I'm going to have to work through so that when I am ready I would be bring that baggage into another R...

IT's pretty clear from what my H has said that he wants that girl that he first met...the one that was, IMO...very unhealthy and I've grown, matured, made some decision about my life and what I want to teach my children through the reflection of my own behavior and that H has a different set of standard so I think that there are moral issues evolved and I'm not willing to compromise my moral standards anymore...

So, I continue my journey and I knw that the valley may look really deep right now but when I look back it's not going to be so bad...

Overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone who has supported me and posted to me...and for backing me up when you thought I was wrong...b/c I believe that's what true friends do, tell me what I needed to hear even when I didn't want to hear it...

I love my H and always will he has given me the two best things in my life but I don't believe that it's not longer healthy for me to stay in this M...looking back I see that my healthy has been effected greatly and I need to focus on getting better and taking care of my kids...these two things are my goals...

So, thank you all! I hope that each of you have a great and blessed day! I look forward to hearing from you all. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I stopped reading this thread after a few posts because I felt an urgency to get some info to you.
You really should leave this man...if you have already made that decision, I have some other things that from a safety standpoint should happen immediately.
A PFA order should be sought. He has threatened to burn down your house. Judhes tend to take that stuff seriously! In addition, his abuse on you is staggering. He is making you try to feel small...he is obviouly so much less than a man. I am sorry for what you are going through. This is a most critical time in your life...right now.. and the decisions that you make will have a distinct impact on the rest of your life.
Please seek out help and do not tolerate this abuse any longer. call the police...let them direct you.
I will now read the rest of the thread.

MEDC

WOW... okay, you have made you decisions. A protection order should be a no brainer at this point. Your sister heard him threaten to burn down the house too.... RIGHT???

Is there anything that we can do here as a community to help you right now....other than advice?

Your H will not go away easily. He has an obsessive personality and you need to make sure you protect yourself from that...they can turn agressive on a dime and can try and be very persuasive. If you have the time, there is a book called Obsessive Love by Susan Forward... it might be a help to you.

Please find somewhere safe... accept help from those around you... financial or otherwise.... now is not the time to let pride stand in the way of progress.

I am sorry you are going through this. I believe you are headed in the right direction now and will soon be waking up to much brighter days.

MEDC

Rind,

Praying extra hard for you today for your safety and that of you boys.

Be Safe

Still

Thanks guys! I have talked with the P at the shelter and they asked if I could come in, so I will be leaving shortly...

I have a paper box full of copies of my threads, notes, important papers, etc...evidence of my burned book...that I am taking with me...

I will let you all know, how things go!

MEDC- Thank you so much for asking...oh, I could cry, the help that I have gotten here is huge...the fact that everyone has stuck by my side...I am overwhelmed with gratitude...I would appreciate the continued support...and I will let you know should I need anything else...

Still- (((Kisses and Hugs)))) Thank you!

((((((( RIN )))))))

no good advice, just a hug. Thinking about you.


-AmI.

Rin,

I have tons of advice. LOL.

Move forward. I have always been of the mind that if you stand still you are falling behind. Now if you are on a circular track people will eventually catch up and pass you again but heck you are falling behind.

Now for me I still feel like I am growing and going through Personal recovery. I am suprised at myself sometimes actually.

To me I have noticed something that I need to figure out more that I need to maybe start a thread. It seems weird to me that the FWS or WS has an A based on things they deem as wrong in the M.

Then as the BS wants to work toward recovery the WS or FWS resists change. They seem to like it better the way it was Pre A but they are the ones that resist making change.

It seems to me that your H likes it his way. If you sit back and let him do what he wants things are good. If not things are bad.

To me if there was any indication of a consistent pattern of behavior toward change I would wait.

I can tell you now I see the willingness to change and listne in my FWW.

I have seen some growth but I have to be patient because over the last 3-4 years I knew I had problems and worked toward personal recovery.

I know I am ahead.

To be honest I think her sponsor is a big help to me. We think alike on a lot so I get reinforcement from her.

The main differenc though NC/Rinderella/Rin is that I am not in fear for my safety or my kids.

Frog,
what you say makes sense.

After my WH first affair when I thought we were in R. Things only went well when I wasn't "rocking the boat".

If I mentioned needs I wanted met according to him we were fighting all the time. Things weren't working blah blah blah.

This is how it was when he started his 2nd A that I know of. Me trying to meet his needs him not letting me. My needs not being met. And he had the A.
Sometimes I wonder if I should of ad the affair. (only half kidding)

Rind,
Pray to God what for guidence on what to do. I'm also praying for the right path to be made crytal clear to you.

Hugs

Still

((((((RIN))))))

I'm here i just wanted to let you know.Have been with you through your choices and I will stay with you no matter what you chose.

I'm glad you have decided to get out of this abusive M.

You are a wonderful person.

Your family is in my prayers.

Stay strong.

(((((((RIN))))))))

Rin,

We're here. Let us know what we can do.

Marflow, how are YOU?

Hi, silent

I'm still

sorry for the TJ Rin

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LOL...No problems ladies and gents...

I spend from 11 to 3 at the shelter doing paperwork, making a plan...It's all up to me...

Having talked with the counselors today...add sexual assualt to my M, along with DV, EA, and VA...

It feels SOOOOO great to be validated! I have spend 32 yrs of my life being abused and it's time that it stops...for the time being I will not rock the boat...

Still- I used that one today in the interview!

I will begin to organize things, cover my tracks, I have a safe place to go, and my bosses and co-workers are supporting me...along with my S...

I have to go back tomorrow and talk to the sexual assualt C...

It has been rough today...rehashing all that stuff...remembering it...there's so much that the lines blur...

All In all, I feel really good...now, I have to find a A, and get the ball rolling...

Frog- I was thing Striving ** ***** D... LMAO

I think that is what has made up my mind...he likes the old me...pre-A...that's what he wants...the one who gave into all his demands...well, buddy look out b/c I'm ready to fight (not literally)...

I am tired and angry and it time that something is done...and I'm just the person that can do it...I am super angry...LOL...I've been given permission...

So...here I am!

I don't think that I can thank you all enough...every single one of you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rind,

Stay strong.... are you going to be alright tonight?

Still

Yes, I will be fine...the great thing is that H was nights and there is no immediate danger...

We're in the honeymoon state right now...we have a power run this weekend and a b-day party...

So, I keep my cool, go with the flow...I have an appt. tomorrow with the A...hush, hush...I don't hate him...

I can keep my cool...Thanks for asking!

It's SOOO wonderful that you went to the SHELTER...

Be safe...

I am very proud of you Rind. Now, please make sure to stay safe. Call the police at the first sign of trouble. It is better to be overly cautious than not.

Your life is about to take some wonderful steps forward.

MEDC

Hi guys! Thanks for the "pats on the back."

For the time being I have to not rock the boat b/c H is being so wonderful right now...

I have to put somethings in order...the IC and I came up with a plan and I started working on it tonight...talked to GN and asked her if something should go down could the kids go over there and she didn't have a problem w/ that...

we have code words, and they are 2 call 911...we have safe rooms... there's a whole plan...

The hardest part is H is being super nice, I called him about bring him lunch andhe said if you're out of money come get some...then when I got there he was telling me to take money out of his wallet if I needed it just to leave him a note so that he knows where it's gone and he doesn't think that he lost it...

That's something I don't remember doing...going into his wallet and taking money...that idea is uncomfortable to me...not happening, I would rather ask for it...I wouldn't want someone doing that to me, I would rather them ask b/c I may have plans for it...

Anyway, back to him being nice...H said I would kiss you but my stomaches upset and if it's a bug I don't want to give it to you...I said that's fine I've been sneezing cleaning the boy's room and if that's a bug then I don't want to give it to you...

I just started thinking on the way home, how can I do this and then had to tell myself to stop...just STOP...seems like we're averaging once a month...which at one point we were doing every third or fourth day...after d-day...

LA- the IC told me today, b/c I was concerned and I was thinking well what if (a big no, no to be thinking) H hits his rock bottom and makes changes...and the IC said it's not like D is the end...plenty people get reM...

THe IC said today that this was the hardest step that everyday after gets easier...

I hope so b/c I am just tore up inside...I am so hurt and realized that I am angry and I know why...

We were talking today and aside from the abuse of my SD, I have been raped 4 times in my life...Twice gang raped with two or more...I didn't remember that stuff...

And the backing down that I have done with H...the giving in even when I didn't want to is SA...I was afraid that he would leave me or I had to do it to be loved...

So, out of all the abuse there has been 4 who have actual betrayed my trust...my SD, 2 guys I liked that I agreed to have SF with which was a setup for his friends...

After looking at my past, and running through it...I said maybe I do need to talk to the other IC...I couldn't believe it...

The IC said that it sounds like I'm just now finding my sexuality, which is true...I wanted to stop "swing," he didn't want to so I continued to make him happy, then the ASF...I've given in to him on that...

H's A has triggered my PTSD and that's why I'm not sleeping, which is what I thought anyway...I had to read up on it a few months after D-day...I was jumping at the slightest noise...that's gotten better...

Then we talked about my nedtime routine which is null and void...I may sit down, but get up fold clothes...do dishes...whatever...so I was told to relax, really relax...so I'm going to get up from here and go straight to bed...no stops along the way except the bathroom to clean up...

I'm looking forward to going to bed, perhaps read something for fun...I don't do that...or perhaps al-non stuff that will be good...and let's see if that helps...can't hurt...

So, I have along ways to go but I'm a survivor and I refuse to be drug down...it's learning to make good boundaries and stick to them...something I have a hard time doing...LOL...as you all know...

Nows the time to really use he tools that I have gained here and other places...oh, I am to call my S everyday!

It's funny I had to make a list of the things that I liked about me or that I thought were strenghts and "I" had No problem doing that...

We were also talking and I said that it's like he's left me behind and the IC said NO, it's more like you have left him behind...and she's right I have matured, accepted my responsiblies, and have grown...he hasn't and he may not even realize that he's doing this stuff...

He's a great guy really he is but when he gets angry, look out that's when the [censored] hits the fan and I was thinking that it's when I buck the system but the Ic said that it may have nothing to do with me...

Frog- you were talking about change...well, in the last year or so there's not enough positive changes for me to stay right now...not like this...the threats that I don't even realize...

You know I was thinking on the way over there that I was the only one being abused VA but then it hit me...I remembered a time that he did it to F and God that hurt my heart for that little boy...F wanted out of taekwondo and I talked to him asking him what would he like to do and he said art...so I told H aout it and F was sitting at the table doing his homework and said loudly..."I'm not raising any Fing panseies!"

OMG!!! SO, it's my responsiblity to break the cycle...now that I see b/c I REALIZED I learned my mother's behavior of being the peace maker...and I so wanted her to do something about the sitch...so as far as I'm concerned I remember what that was like as a child and I don't have a choice...I have to do this...

It occurred to me that I will go through withdrawal myself...and I learned here that it can be anywhere from three weeks or more...So, I have an idea of what to expect from myself...the overwhelming need/want to C H for any reason...I'm going to be very vulnerable and I will just have to tlak through it either here or with a friend here...

Well, I'm getting sleepy and I have no problems going to sleep, it's staying that way...

I really didn't even realize that I was holding all of this inside...I thought that I was done with the anger, the bitterness, and resentment but I have alot to face in the days to come...

Oh, HN's mother passed today...H left me a note but I already knew...now, I have to make the decision to go to the wake tomorrow night...I think it would be a nice gesture, but I don't know if I want that chaos in my life...well, actually just b/c I go doesn't mean that I have to allow chaos in my life...mawsa conna pas (I don't know in cajun french, not sure about the spelling...LOL)...

I'll make that decision tomorrow wher it belongs...

I hope that you all have a great night...I may be back tonight, but hopefully not...

((((( Group HUG)))))

Good Morning! Last night went well...this morning H came in with another cup of coffee and took my hand and guided me out of the bed...being really nice...

He's got a good heart but his behavior has been set from day one...I took out one of my journals last night and was reading back in 97'. Same problems then as now...same pattern...really distance...would get angry and then be nice...

I didn't see it then...I complained about it, but then, I felt like I would tlak to him and something would be resolved...now, I don't feel like things get resolved...just pushed on the back burner...

He would hug on OW and it bothered me...he slept with OW behind my back and she sent him a Valentine's card to our house...now, at the time we were dating...I found out that he had slept with her...

SO, this has been a bad R from the start...I was read and we would have great times, then back to bad...I would complain about the same things over and over...

Naive, yes I was, but now I know better and it's up to me to make a difference...I plan on reading in my journals when I have bad day or thoughts that I'm not doing the right thing to help me keep focused...I figure this is a good way to remind myself that I will not settle for crumbs any longer...

10 years ago, I thought I was crazy and looked to OP to validate what I saw...today, I'm still doing the same thing...I wrote it...I'm not crazy and I'm glad the someone else sees what I do...

I really have to watch myself and remember not to kick myself to hard...it's been a life of living in denial...but there was not DV, not throwing things in my directions or breaking things that I can remember...this is new say in the past year...

Thing is I have grown up and have decided not to take action and that it creating a problem...We living apart at one time, the last quarter before I graduated college, and he had moved to find work...him and his BF would spend almost everynight at the strip club...I wasn't happy about it then...

So, I put myself in this sitch and it's up to me to get myself out...it's amazing what you don't remember...I'm very grateful that I wrote back then, sometimes every night...

I have no doubt that he loves me, and I've mentioned that I love him but there comes a time when that's not enough.

HUH, I was thinking about my life insurance policy last night and him being the B...I was thinking who in the heck do I change that to now...I guess I could leave it the same for the time being b/c if something did happen to me, a car accident, or something like that...H would get custody anyway and he would need that to care for the kids...

I actually think that I put it in the kids' names but I'll have to check...

Just a little something on my checklist of things to do...I'm not going to do anything with checking or bills right now...nothing that would look like I'm leaving...

Last night, I cleaned the L's room, I have to take some boards off the windows in F's room (spare room), there's no access outside should there be a fire...left over from the hurricanes...the boards that ARE down is b/c I took them down...I need to get those security lights up around the house and check into an alarm system or panic button at least...

Hum, my important documents have been residing at work since last Oct. but I do have a few things around the house that I need to get out...I have to think about the firearms in the house also...right now the rifles are in a locked gun cabinet in the spare room...however, I think I may move them back to the deadbolt closet that I had built to keep them in before H got the cabinet...I think there's only one key and I would have that...then I have to think about the to handguns...one in his truck and one in my bedroom...

I can lock up mine but it's getting his out of the truck with an excuse that wouldn't look suspicious...so I'm working on that to...I'm looking at having new locks for the house...I can install them after he moves out...That won't take me long to do...

Boy, do I have a list of stuff to do...I need to make a rope ladder for the boy's to get out of there room...I figured that would be best...the window's in L's room are really high and I would feel better if they had something to help them down should they have to get out the window...I can tire it to the top bunk, roll it up, out of sight, and when unrolled it will go striaght out the window...

I'm really just thinking out loud here, safety precautions...if anyone thinks of anything else I would appreciate it... I would like to be as prepared as I can...

On health insurance, I will be covered on H's until next Dec., there after I can get on with my company...until then I plan to pay off as many thing as I can or lower the bills...helpful to him and to me in the long run...

Oh, the IC gave me a really great idea of putting money on gift cards...Cool, huh...that way I can get clothes, food, whatever...I also need to think about a secret cell or go phone just in case F needs it...prepaid or something like that...

Okay...LOL...I really need to get to work this morning...I missed so much yesterday and I have to leave again today...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> It's going to come together...

Rind,


Good morning.. you sound very focused. That's good.

So much to do... but it sounds as if you have everything worked out.

It sounds as if you plan on staying in your house.... it makes me nervous about the guns. But I've always been nervous around guns. Just be safe.

Still

Hi Rin,

I'm concerned about you staying in your home. I thought you were making plans to go into hiding.

How do you think you will ever get your H to move out?

~ Marsh