Thanks SL, it was made in clarity...i didn't rush into it like I did last Oct.

I spend two days thinking about it...and it's been backed up with more facts that's it's time to go...

Weaver- well, I have my Sponsor, my GN(Good neighbors) knows, all of my co-workers, both sides of MY family...these are the only people who know right now...

On the the first thing, I want to do it get new locks...I'm going to decide tomorrow, and asking the A when he thinks that H will be served...

Oh, I COULD get them without the kids around...I could go tomorrow after I leave the A's office...I was thinking I didn't want to go buy locks with motor mouth around (L)...if he could ONLY be quite sometimes...

Anyway, Weaver, I will be sure to take care of myself...it's his intial reaction that scares me so much...I'm glad I have a few more days to take care of things around the house...

Thank you both...I've been feelinga little lonely too...H's arm was around me and laying right next to me and it didn't matter...when it was quite, we didn't even talk to each other...

I've heard that a M is over when there is nothing left to talk about...that's what I thought when we were sitting there...it's really another heartache in itself...

process serving takes time. a few days, usually.

it's also VERY insulting and hurtful.

if you want quick, and you want it to be less painful for your husband in the long term, do it in person. With someone else there covering you, of course.

I was incredibly insulted and hurt, when some random "process server" turned up on my doorstep, with no warning (apart from my wife having been extra-grumpy/tense the prior few days).

Doing it in person, means you would have to deal with a whole lot of, at minimum, verbal flak, from your husband.

Doing it via a process server, means you dont have to deal with that. but you will have to deal with his feelings on how you handled it.

on the flip side, there's the issue of someone else being there to "witness" his pain, which in itself hurts.
if you were interested, you could have them wait outside or something. Then put the paperwork on one side of the room, and you be sitting on the other side, next to the "safe" door, and when he is on the other side of the room, ask himi to read the papers. you might tell him what they are first, and why you are giving them to him. since those will be his first questions.

No, no, no. The whole purpose of a process server is based on rules of the court. A "disinterested" person over the age of 18 has to serve the petition. There is a "return of service" completed and filed with the court as evidence that he has been served. Otherwise, there is no evidence of service (by a qualified agent) and the lawsuit goes away for want of prosecution.

Now, she could provide him a copy before he was served, but I think that's a very bad idea. He would be warned it was coming and could attempt to avoid service, delaying getting the clock ticking. Plus it'd be very dangerous at this point, given his history.

I've been a paralegal in family law for a few years and trust me on this. Do it by the book or you'll end up sabatoging your own case.

There is NO WAY I am going to be present when he is served...That's exactly what I'm scared of...

Come on, I have a "SAFE HOUSE" to go to in case something happens...there's no way I'm going to put myself in phy. danger...he hasn't laid a hand on me yet, but this would give him the reasons he needs to do it...

Also, I don't want to put him in a sitch that he may do something in a rage and have to suffer the consequences later...tons of OP do things in a rage...I need him to blow of his anger and come to his senses...

I don't need him knowing anything right now...that's bad news...

MOF, I came home and he's moving his bike out of the way...he talked about moving the 4 wheeler too, just making some room, then, he asked if I remember what I ate last night, during the night, said that he wasn't trying to be mean or anything...I said a poptart...e reminded me what I ate and then, told me I wouldn't have that problem if I did what he said...

He wants me to lock up all the food in the house...I said if I thought that would work I would do it but I'm the one locking it up and I'm the one with the key...He said pick up the key...

He left for work, no kisses or anything, MOF, I made sure that he brought his lunch so I wouldn't have to see him later...I don't know how many times I've been asked what wrong with me?

See I didn't response to his A$$ kicking, so he's starting to get upset...that and no SF...I can't help that right now and frankly I don't know If I want too...

Well, I can only hope that the paperwork is done this week and he's served this week...at the latest early next week...

My nerves are shot and I'm trying hard to keeping the peace...I'm just holdn' it together here...

One day at a time....

Of course not.



I'm thinking and praying for you constantly.

~ Marsh

Thanks Marsh...I just got off the phone with my S, just talking about how I feel, and she was saying that she really feels that in this case I have let my anger work well for me...

Thinking off things that she wouldn't have thought of...

Oh, let me write more later...my SD called...

HI...OMG, I was /am freaking out...I'm cool...I called WH after I got off the phone with my SD to let him know that I was bring him a sandwich and he told me that he would be home sometime tonight.

Praying...

Marsh-

Just that little note...I have to thank you for...you're sig line caught my attention with LA's quote...

I have got to stop worrying...everything will be fine...

okay...I got that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WOW!

Hey .. you edited your thread title, but no post with more details?... dont be a tease <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

why change title, but not post about it?

I was writing on SL thread about knowing when you've gotten to the deal breaker point...

I really didn't understand how Lizzie and some of the OP here felt, and I was still hoping for them...that things would work out...

I think that I have a better understanding of that today...to be able to say "NO, I will NOT tolerate this behavior anymore!"

I can only speculate but I imagine that WH will fight this D after he calms down, but I don't want anymore...

I'm so tired of the lip service...and whenever I turn the corner there's more proof of the things that I should have done so long ago...I left things so without speaking up...avoided conflict b/c I was scare of it...I was scare of him getting mad and it was easier to not deal with it and let him have his way...

Well, I know better now...I have a clearer idea of what I want out of M and/or a R...

I don't know, in my eyes it's almost as if I grew up and WH didn't. He's still wanting to live for the moment, his words on his personal ad. I don't think that as a responsible adult that you can live for the moment all the time...I think that you have to perpare for those rainy days and occasional make your own rainbow for the family to ride on (a vacation)!

Anyway, I think that I have gotten to loving detachment with him. I am able to think of him in a loving manner but know that it's no longer healthy to be together.

Ha, neither one of us slept well last night...WH said he didn't sleep at all...he slept all day yesterday preparing for the night shift...I finally moved to the sofa...I would turn over and WH would want to talk to me, ask what was wrong? Was I okay? Wanted me right up against him...with his arm around me...

I am SOOO tired of the crumbs and like SL said having to face myself in the mirror and admit that I helped set up this dynamic...oh, that pains me...

Is it bad to wish that WH feels as crushed as I did on D-day? I'm just so angry and hurt...I know that probably not a good thing to think...and yes, even though I had already made up my mind, him joining that site and posting a personal still hurt like ******...

I just figure if he's willing to do that then he's willing to have another A and that's the dealbreaker for me...now if I choice to talk to him about this I put myself in a position that will esculate things...and I really feel that I have nothing else to say...he knows how I feel and I have done enough repeating...

I can't see wasting any more energy talking...I didn't feel that things were resovled when we DID talk...it only created more frustration in me...I thought I was crazy for wanting the things that I wanted out of my M...

But, I'm not! So, anyway, I guess I've said my peace this morning! LOL...I still have to wonder how he can chose the things that he has thinking that I would just sit back and let him have his way...it's just a great big power struggle that's going to come to blows if it continues...

Techie, I thought I posted about it...WH is no longer working nights as of last night...he went days today...that gives us more time together and I'm not happy about it...I was still trying to do some things around the house and it makes it much harder to take care of the things that I need to during the day...

I can hear how tense you are right now. I know how hard you are working here. Just hold on for a bit longer. You can do this. If your WH asks you if you are okay, just let him know that you are dealing with some inner struggle, maybe about thinking of changing jobs or something closer to the truth.

I don't know why anyone WOULDN'T be hurt by their HUSBAND going to a personals site. You are not immune from betrayal, no matter what you have decided, it is yet another betrayal.

Hang in there Rin, you are doing the do. As Dory would say (from the movie Finding Nemo) "just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...."

OH, SL...I love when she says that!!!! I think the kids and I will have to drag that movie out...

I'll be fun, and I could use some fun!!

I'll be leaving a little before lunch to take care of some bank stuff, then I'm going to an AL-anon meeting for lunch, after that to the A's office to review paperwork, and finally, to Home Depot for new locks.

I'm hoping that it won't take all afternoon, I've missing enough time at work...I'm hoping that my pay will not be cut for ALL the time I missed last week...

I was looking into security systems for the house once WH is out also and trying to figure out how I can pull that one off...

Thank you SL, things are really tense...I think once I get him served then my pressure release valve will start working! LOL

S4B,

Thats a tough one to type.

Nobody can predict the future that is the hard part.

All we can do is look at the past and make an educated guess about what will happen.

In your M you should at this point have an educated guess about these things.

Your H has fought you every step of the way.

He definately seems PA. He refuses to change which makes sense.

He in a sense is probably right. He probably has exhibited all of the traits that you now see and don't like, for your entire R/M.

Heck you even said you noticed it with girls he dated before you.

The A made you see the warts. Now when you look at him you see them and you can't stop looking at them you just want the warts to go away.

He seems to think it is ok for him to be this way.

Honestly I think people need to have a reason to change. Sometimes it is hitting rock bottom.

Unfortunately to some rockbottom isn't losing your family. As bad as this may sound I had a friend that his M ended because of A's and you know what the only thing he regrets is the money it cost him.

Not losing his family. Heck he told me I shouldn't try for 50-50 custody because then I would have no life.

So maybe your H wants this but doesn't want to initiate it.

I wouldn't be suprised if it didn't bother him other then the material things he will lose.

Hi Frog,

I have a tendency to agree with you b/c his first question the last go around he asked me if I was willing to give up everything that we had and I said yes, I guess I was!

No camper for him! You know I went to a meeting at lunch and it became clear to me that today's check to the A was the first check for a large sum that I've wrote for ME.

I have wrote plenty large checks for him for his toys, but next to my car and laptop, I have a pair of earring's that H bought for me Christmas 05'.

Oh, my radio in my car and that's more expensive than my earring which was bought b/c he got tired of looking at the old one which only lite up on one side.

I was fine with it and was going to use it until it died!

We've got a 4 wheeler, a utility trailer, two motorcycles, tons of tools (which I would like to get), guns, deer hunting leases, power programmer for his truck, stereo equipment, CB's...I can't really think of anything that's been bought FOR me...

Even our Martial bed, I didn't like when we purchased it! He can have that one and I'll take the other as for as I'm concerned. Right along with the darn living room furniture, I don't like that either but we have to have something to sit on! LOL

I can't explain how great it felt coming back to work today, thinking of all those times when he told me that I could leave with just my clothes...that I wouldn't get the house or the kids...and how scared I was that it would be true...I wasn't about to leave my kids!

Well, he is going to have a rude awaking at the end of this week or the beginning of next week.

Well, I just heard that I will have to find a place to stay for a few weeks until the courts grant me use of the home!

I'm also going to have to think about a mediator between the two of us for the kids. Oh, this brings me down some...I can just about imagine the damage that he can do to the house in that timeframe.

I asked about getting him removed immediately and they can't...I guess that why we have shelters.

I'm so upset about that!

Anyway, I wonder the same thing about him wanting the D and just wants me to file, "look like the bad guy!" So, he can claim that he's done nothing wrong...his parents don't know that he's done drugs, slept with OP like we have...oh, man!

(((Rind)))

There should be a way to make sure he cannot destroy marital property. That just doesn't seem to make any sense.

But then again half the laws really don't make any sense to me.

You said something interesting... his parents never knew about his A's? Maybe that's something that they need to be made aware of. Maybe I'm way off base here.

It looks like about the same time he'll be served I'll be going into Plan B.

Still

Sorry, I was talking about "swinging", being an "open marriage"...they know about his A and mine.

The only thing I'm getting is a TRO...which says if he does he goes to jail...

I guess I'll have to go to the house during the day and make sure that he doesn't do anything!

Sorry Rind I didn't realise that.

I'm a little naive here what is TRO? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

Still

Temporary Restraining Order...

I still trying to pick myself up off the floor...talk about a ton of bricks hitting you...

So, I get tortured more, worring if he's going to carry out his threats! I fell like I have someone sitting on my chest!

(((Rind)))

Huney.... now picture this.... Still someone 5"1 helping you up off the floor and giving you a virtual hug.

I'm sorry for your pain. It has to get better for all of us doesn't it. If you need to talk I'm here. K !

You have been there for me and now it's time for me to ricipercate.

(((hugs))

Still