(((Strivn4Better))) I don't post on your thread but I've been following your story. You are very brave and I'll be praying for you.

How do you think he found out?

Praying for you.


~ Marsh

Strivn4Better

You are so brave to do this. I know how hard your choice has been-a family member and life-long friend have been in your shoes.

I wanted to share something I read in the book Prayer by Richard Foster. It's about winter.

"Winter preserves and strengthens a tree. Rather than expending its strength on the exterior surface, its sap is forced deeper and deeper into its interior depth. In winter a tougher, more resilient life is firmly established. Winter is necessary for the tree to survive and flourish."

We all have been in winters in our lives. I feel like I'm just coming out of a very long, dark winter myself and this quote has helped me see the value of it all-but I also am anticipating spring. I hope you are too.

You will be in my prayers

Thanks guys...I was so defensive when I talked to him this morning on the phone...

He was saying that everything was starting to come together...that my things in the bathroom where missing... I said that they weren't I just picked them up...

And it's true...I was on my way to work from the babysitter's and the house is on the way to work...so I stopped and that's when I removed my things from the bathroom...the remaining clothes...grabbed my pillow...and headed to work...

I believed that I needed to be honest with him...but there was nothing else to discuss...

Brave...thank you, I'm scared and emotional...I would just feel better if I knew what he was doing right now....where he is...

The only thing I had left at the house is my laptop and my dog...I really wish I had her...

I'm trying to plan for the day...if he follows me...I just don't know what he'll do...I'm hoping to talk to him in a few days once he calms down...

I refuse to talk to him when he's mad...

And He's a great guy, good hearted...you really have to define him and the behavior...

I left one night and he drove around to all of our friends said that when he found me he was going to make a scene unless I came home...

I shouldn't have to live like this...someone knocks on the door to the office and I'm jumping...I keep watching out the window to see if he's going to show back up...

I have a session with my sexual assault C at lunch...

J- I really liked what you shared...THANK YOU...I can understand that...I'm hoping that things blossom for me...I really am...

As far how he found out, I know! Very few people knew...because of the sitch...I was so worried about him finding out and something like this happening...

I think I did a real good job of thinking on the spot...

Thank you all for your support... I appreciate it...

(((Strivn4Better))) Take care of yourself!

Psalm 1:1-6:

1 Blessed is the man
who does not walk in the counsel of the wicked
or stand in the way of sinners
or sit in the seat of mockers.

2 But his delight is in the law of the LORD,
and on his law he meditates day and night.

3 He is like a tree planted by streams of water,
which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither.
Whatever he does prospers.

4 Not so the wicked!
They are like chaff
that the wind blows away.

5 Therefore the wicked will not stand in the judgment,
nor sinners in the assembly of the righteous.

6 For the LORD watches over the way of the righteous,
but the way of the wicked will perish.


Hang in there.

Rin,

Well you are moving forward. To me in my life that is important.

He has made it pretty clear he is not going to change.

As you said he is not a bad guy, he just isn't the type of man you want to be married to.

The fact he is fine and you are not.

So you are not compatible.

What I will say is that my FWW had the same perception about herself.

I told her one day I understand everyone loves her. She is a wonderful person. I think she is great. I just didn't think she was great for me.

I told her if she was fine with the way she treated me was alright then we needed to move on.

So we agreed. Then a light went on and she decided maybe she was great to everyone else but not me.

M saved.

I think she had a bigger impetus for her to change. If she didn't then I would be D'd right now.

Thanks Rock!

E- how lovely is that...Thank you from the bottom of my heart...

Frog- TBH, I'm scared, I'm jumpy, and I can't stop now...I know that he's at home right now...I hope that he takes care of my dog...

It'll be okay...it's just every car or person that passes I'm watchin, waitin...

Let's do today at minute by minute...until I can calm down...

S4B,

I am with you.

I haven't walked your road, don't have any advice.

I am with you, anyway.

LA

he is your husband. the man you married. he hasnt lived up to his commitments.. but you still owe him a "why".

You may be justified in divorcing him... you are not justified in keeping your mouth shut about why.

I'm not saying you need to "discuss" it with him. An email, or a letter would suffice.

But you owe him a "why". A full, and clear list of reasons.

If for no other reason, than you didnt keep up YOUR side of your marital responsabilities, by ducking out of confronting him about the things that mattered to you a month(?) ago, when you decided "he's going to do what he's going to do and I'm going to just accept him and be happy about myself".

that was the wrong decision for your marriage... multiple people on here said you wouldnt be able to keep that up... and they were right. But you chose to go into conflict avoidance mode then.
Well, you're DIVORCING now. so no point in "avoiding conflict" any more, eh?

What I wrote, was not about "responsabilities", to anyone except to each other.
he has not lived up to his responsabilities *to you*.

his responsabilities to your children, are another issue entirely.

Hi...I went to my IC session that I had scheduled today...

I explained that I was feeling guilty and the things that happen today and we just talked...adn she said that it really sounds like he's trying to find any excuse for his behavior...

That it was normal to feel guilty...and gave me a chapter to read out of a book and also the author and title to pick it up...

I also schedule my next session and she's going to talk to the Other IC and we're going to start IC with the kids and then me separate...

I'm shaking like a leaf...but you know what I feel a little better after the IC...I guess it's just going to take me awhile to get it out of my head that I'm not crazy...that I have a right to feel safe in my home...I shouldn't have to think that I have to hide my books or anything else...

I haven't heard from STBX (I found it!). I have a lot of work to do...to get my thinking straight...I hope that since he knows that the police or involved he'll back off and leave me alone...

He would tell me often that i was just trying to runaway from my problems...

I don't think I've read anything like this on the boards...so, if anyone can relate or have been in this kind of sitch, I would appreciate it...just like I do all the OP who have posted to me...

MEDC...I hope that you are still around, as well, as MIMI, and AmI...I haven't heard from you guys...I miss you!


Thanks, LA...just knowing that you are around means alot...

Techie...I plan to talk to him and explain why but not right now...he was already mad when I talked to him, if I held a conversation with him, it would have esculated and that's not safe right now...

Oh, I like your idea of the email or letter...avoiding conflict...avoiding his anger...it was safe for me...I can admit I was wrong in that...

I can and will adress some issues but form a safe distance... Thank you for calling that to my attention...You were all right...I can talk to him when he's calm but I CAN'T face him when he's angry...when I have in the past months...looks what it's gotten me...

More fear of what he'll do...I will deal with it...I have too!

And it's good for you to recognize that! I personally have difficulty recognizing, when a particular moment is a "bad" time to talk to someone. I would have done better in many cases, to have held my own tongue for a better time <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
SOOO difficult for me.. I want to Fix Now Now Now!

Glad to hear you're going to address that stuff, at a soon but better time.

Techie, I hope that you canwork that out for yourself...I wish you the best of luck with that...

I was reading the chapter that the IC gave me...it amazing and I have to remember not to kick myself...and that's why I think I need to go to IC...like STBX telling me that he would do whatever it takes and not doing a thing...this is normal...

My safe place fell threw b/c of unexpected family coming in, and then my next one b/c the H felt uncomfortable...so, I have a place for the night and have to consider my options from there...

Bumps in the road right, just bumpers...

I've already hearing that "I can't believe that he's LIKE that...that they know him really well...and some of the things that I say are hard to believe..."

I guess I'm going to get that and I will have to handle it like this: OP's opinions are none of my business...

Hmm.. i'm struck by the interesting juxtaposition of;

your husband saying "yes yes I'll help you with our marriage", but not following through

your friends saying "yes yes I'll help you [hide from] your marriage", but not following through.

The first place...I understand...

The second was my bosses' sister, who spoke to soon without checking with her H...

In Oct. when I told my H I wanted a D...a few days later, something happened with F at school, and we all sat down and talked...Then, H sent F out of the room and he told me he would do anything and everything it took for as long as it took...it didn't last...and here I am...

That other comment was made by one person...but when I exposed everyone said that they couldn't believe that he did that too...

I knwo I'm not crazy...

(((((Rind)))))

I'm sorry I haven't written sooner--I just saw this today. If you ever need ANYTHING, don't hesitate to email me at the addy in my signature, because sister, I have been there--done that! Here's the good news: You DO survive -and- come out a better woman in the end! So even at times when it "feels" scary, stay the course knowing in your head that you are just having an emotional moment. Experience the emotional moment, but don't make decisions based on it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

May I take a moment and tell you my story? It will give you something to do rather than worrying about your STBX! I was physically abused as a child (meaning, my mom beat me with wooden spoons, broom handles, etc.) and I was sexually abused by my dad. Not a great beginning, huh? Well, because of that early abuse, I never really learned what boundaries were--I had no clue that I could say "no" or keep myself safe--and I was pretty much a "people pleaser" trying to make my mom or dad love me enough to not harm me. I learned the lessons WELL, and while I am grateful that I learned them well enough to survive my childhood, when I became an adult I brought those same lessons with me. I chose an abusive, non-believer for a husband--probably because I was "familiar" with what abuse felt like and how to deal with it. I hated it--oh yes!!--but I at least knew it. I had no idea what a healthy relationship was even like!

My exH was mentally, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive. The pets were afraid of him because he would pull their ears or kick them and then laugh--and when I'd protest, he'd say, "You have no sense of humor!" or "You're too sensitive." When our DD was born, she was 2 months premature, so she was in the hospital for a while (NICU) and she was small--and he could not deal with the "stress" of it all, so he had two affairs simultaneously--two OW, and they both knew of each other and me. SICK!! Anyway, we separated for a while then, and I wish I had had the courage to stand up for myself then, but I didn't see it. All I knew was that I hurt so bad that when he wanted to come back, I leapt at the chance.

Over the years, we built our own business installing and servicing touchscreen computers. He did the sales and the installs--I did the training, service, and office paperwork (i.e., payroll, contracts, etc.). As a salesman, he traveled A LOT and was in restaurants a LOT, and what I didn't know is that over the years he had several affairs...everything from ONS (one night stands) to EA's to short PA's. To the outside world, we looked like a successful couple, with our own successful business, and with a new 4000 sq.ft. home. But behind closed doors, he was Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. He would yell and scream at me for hours--keep me up all hours of the night--blame me for his unhappiness--withhold sex and refuse to kiss or touch me--and just generally torture me in every way.

In 1999 he had a LTA, moved in with OW for 6 months to another state, and didn't tell anyone where he was. Our business folded and he left me to deal with that all by myself. The kids had no idea where their dad was, and he didn't call them or send support in any way. During that time, I BEGAN to wise up. I began with Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue". Okay--it's not exactly the DEEPEST psychological treatise, but it was the first step on a road with MANY steps.

From there, I got to MB...and I went to anger management classes. Yep--I still thought that somehow it was *ME* and that if I could fix myself, I'd fix the M. I got into IC and worked hard--and it hurt a LOT to have to face the old abuse, but I did it and I learned new ways! Then, I got Patricia Evans' book "Verbally Abusive Relationship". Nothing against the Harleys, but HER book changed my life! It was as if scales fell off my eyes and I saw for the first time. He was abusing me!

Naturally, he did eventually return to me, and over and over again, I'd fall for his promises and reassurances that he had changed...or wanted to change. Over and over, his promises would slowly disappear, and if I "reminded" him, I was "pressuring" him. Over and over, he tried to force me back into the old, abusive dance--but very slowly I grew and would not go back to it. In an effort to get me back into that old pattern, the abuse got worse--more physical--more threatening--more scary. And the A's got more and more blatant and more and more hurtful.

Finally, one night, he stormed out of the house and took some things and said he was moving out. Fine with me! I changed the locks and he rented a room. Sure enough if he didn't try to "come back" a few days later, and when he found out the locks were changed, he was FURIOUS! I told him he better just go back to his place or I'd have to call the police, and I told him 12 TIMES. He was on the verge of breaking down the window to get in the house when I called the police. From that point on, he went ballistic. He said that *I* had caused him to get a domestic violence charge and I was gonna pay. I got into a support group for partners of domestic abusers. One night, while I was at work, he broke into the house and took a sledgehammer to the walls. Another time, I woke up and he was sitting in my bedroom and said, "Just wanted you to know that any time I want to get into this house I can." I got a restraining order, and he was even MORE FURIOUS!! But with the restraining order, every time I was even the littlest bit afraid, I'd not engage with him, lock myself in a room, and call the police, and they had legal reason to protect me.

Most of our "friends" thought I was nuts. He was "successful" and "a pillar of the community"--but what they didn't realize was how much of his successful image was because of the way that I ran interference for him. Some of his restaurant friends stayed with him, and yet, within a year, because I wasn't there to "mellow" him or for him to blow off angry steam at, they got the brunt of one of his rages--and sure enough they'd call me and say, "Wow, I never saw that side of him. I can see why you had to divorce."

S4B--it may feel scary and shaky and weird right now, but I want to strongly encourage you. You ARE doing the right thing. He is likely to try to rage you into coming back, but you hold firm. We are here for you!

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Umm... from what you've written since those days... it sounds like he did pretty much exactly what you asked of him:
Nothing.

you didnt ask him to change. so he didnt.

you didnt insist on no contact. so he continues.
you didnt insist on full openness and honesty between both of you. so he isnt open with you on what he is doing.
You gave him permission to basically do whatever he feels like doing. So that's what he's doing.

In some ways, i'm wondering if you silently fell into the stereotypical female type trap of, "I'm going to expect my husband to fulfill my true wants and needs... and he's going to do it without my asking for them, because if he /really loved me/, he'd know what I want/need".
In other words, avoiding the work involved in confrontation, but still penalizing the other person for not living up to your unspoken expectations.

You never (re?)established a foundation of "guide your actions by thoughtfulness of how it will affect each other". So it's not that surprising, that you dont have that currently.

The taking out adult personals thing is rather over the top... but even then.. given your past, it is almost understandable. He said he wanted "the old rinder". The old rinder, did swinging. He said, "bring the old rinder back, or leave me". You didnt put up a fight, nor did you leave. By your lack of confrontation, he's thinking you've agreed to be the old you again.

He put up an ad for "group" things, didnt he? To me, that suggests that he may have been planning it with you included the whole time. He could be making the assumption that you'd go along with it.
He was dumb to not be open that he was putting up the ad. But given your past... he might not even think of it as being unfaithful, as long as he brings you along if he finds people with his ad.

After all, you've gone along with pretty much everything else he's done in the last few months, wouldn't you say?

CJ- I will be emailing you...childhood the same...more on the sexual abuse side with some phy...I couldn't even leave my yard really until I went to college...

Techie-Yes, H did nothing but I DID try...I talked my head off...and the more I talked the worse it got...I figured out that he was doing it on purpose...

The way you wrote that you sound like him...I could be wrong but I heard it's b/c I didn't do...I didn't try to enforce my boundaries...

You know...you're right in a way b/c I wasn't strong enough to not give in...

YOU sound like a great big 2X4 and TBH, I DON'T need that right now...

So, back off Please!

sorry... wanted to open the window to show a different point of view... but opened it too wide, and let in a gale ...

i guess a less wooden/heavy-handed way of saying what I wanted to communicate might be....

you are divorcing him, because you view what he has done, as a betrayal of you.

Whereas his view, may be different. He may think he is doing things that were perfectly acceptible to you.

to put it yet another way: his surprise/anger MAY be "oh durn I got caught doing something bad"..... OR it might be "why is she doing this? I'm not doing anything that she hasnt 'agreed' to".

(even though you didnt really agree to it... to his mind, he might think you did).

Just a thought.