Thank you...I called the A back and waiting on the ruturn call and I called the women's shelter and talked to the C there.

My fears have been calmed by my co-worker b/c I was wondering:

Okay, he burns the house down, what do I have, he goes to jail, does the insurance company still pay me?

My co-worker had that happen to his W in her first M and yes, the insurance company still paid her. I don't want to have no home for me and my kids with my way to provide for them outside of my job. So, the fact that I still get paid makes me feel better.

I think that's just crazy...oh, he's going to snap I can see it now!

I'm still wonderin should I tell him...or not...let sleeping dogs lie...

I'm just emotional right now, and I have to pull myself together, so I can think clearly!

(((Rind))

Breathe in and slowly breathe out. Please, please don't tell him. I'm scared for the safety of your kids and you.

Do you have any antianxiety medication like ativan or xanax? If you do take one it'll help it pass. I know it sucks taking medication.

Did you knoe I called the radio show.... rind you might want to thnk about that. I e-mailed a short version of my story and Joyce e-mailed me back within an hour. They were so easy to talk to. You might want to think about that.

Still

Anyone know WHYY he gets to use the house when I have the kids? He's the one making the threats and I get put out?

What do I have to prove that he's done something like it just on a smaller scale?

I'm calming down...I think I'm going to try to go to a meeting tonight...just to help calm me down...

I talked to my boss too, and with your help I'm getting better...

No anxiety meds...just Ad's and there at home...

My boss is going to let me go home tomorrow and get clothes out of the house and I'm going to take my pics.

I'm trying to think about this!

Rind,

Whay does your attorney say about him being able to stay? Has anyone else heard him say these things?

Also maybe call your family docter about getting something for anxiety.... Xanax is a short acting one it would help taking the edge off. Considering what's happening I don't think you would have a problem.

Still

{{{{Rin}}}} I don't post to you very often but I've been watching your thread. That doesn't make ANY sense to me either and I've been in the legal field for many years. The only thing I can think of is perhaps your attorney is not VERY clear that WH is a danger to you and your kids. You should be willing to sign an affidavit stating the various threats and document any actual violence that has occurred. Normally a TRO is to protect the person filing and to ORDER the other person to do certain things (i.e., stay away from the marital home, you and the kids, not destroy or divert any marital property or funds. This just doesn't sound right.

I'm still waiting for him to call me back...

Perhaps it's something in the civil code..I'll go back and read it again...

here you go:

What are Protective Orders? What types are there?

A Protective Order is a civil court order intended to provide protection from physical or sexual harm caused by force or threat of harm from a family or household member. In other words, a Protective Order is designed to keep an abuser from hurting you and your family anymore. There are three types of orders:

Emergency Temporary Restraining Orders: If you are in need of emergency protection outside regular court hours, the court may grant you an Emergency Temporary Restraining Order. This order provides you and your family members with immediate protection from an abuser.

If you are issued this order, it will only be good until the close of the next day that the court is open. For the protection to remain in effect, you must go to court before the close of the next business day to request a Temporary Restraining Order and/or a Protective Order.

Temporary Restraining Orders. When you go to court to file for a long-term Protective Order, you can also ask for a Temporary Restraining Order (TRO). The court may issue you a TRO during an ex parte hearing without your abuser present.

If the court grants you a Temporary Restraining Order, the judge will immediately sign a Uniform Abuse Prevention Order and forward it to the clerk of court for filing.

Then, the clerk of the issuing court will transmit this Uniform Abuse Prevention Order to the Louisiana Protective Order Registry.

As soon as a TRO is issued, your abuser will be notified that you have an order against him. The court will give you a date (usually within 15 days) for a full court hearing where you and your abuser have a chance to be present and tell your sides of the story.

Long-term Protective Orders. A long-term Protective Order can be issued only after a court hearing where you and the abuser both tell your sides of the story to a judge. You must attend that hearing.

If you do not go to the hearing, your TRO may expire and you will have to start the process over. A long-term order will last for up to 18 months, unless otherwise stated. Orders may also be extended. (See How do I change, extend, or cancel my Protective Order?)

I'm still looking for the actual code...I think that there has to be phy. or sexual abuse and so far he hasn't laid a hand on me!

Okay, that makes sense. Did you know (that at least in Texas) that if another person causes you to FEAR for your life, that can be construed as assault? I know LA law is way different though. I'd still check with your attorney, actually PUSH your attorney (remember he works for you) to ask the Judge to award you exclusive use of the marital home.

Rin, I would do as princessmeggy suggests, and ask for the protective order to INCLUDE the marital home. My girlfriend had a TRO, still does, and it stated, initially, that her fiance was to stay away from her and certain residences, namely, her work, her home (apartment they shared) and her parents' house.

Make that lawyer work for those duckets!

Also, please, honey, breathe, don't react when there is nothing to react to yet. If you can get Xanax, it worked wonders for my mom (she started getting horrendous panic attacks after going through chemotherapy)

Rind,

Thinking of you today... stay calm and focused.

I will be leaving in a couple of hours for a conferance.... scared because it 24 plus hours with WH. Myabe I'll borrow Bugs MB cape.

Still

Morning! I'm really stressed out! But I feel better than I did yesterday!

H left the house at 3:19 this morning, not sure where he went...I had woke up and was sitting on the sofa and he came in, grabbing all of his stuff like he was late for work...

Well, he drove down the road so fast that I thought he was p!ssed, so I grabbed my cell and checked the time...

I thought about it for a minute and decided to go to bed...I hear him come in some like 20 to 40 minutes later...he looked at the computer for a little while and came to bed...I acted like I was asleep...

After I came home yesterday, he said I saw you did some spring cleaning...I didn't reply and I didn't know what he was referring too...there's a few things that I got rid of...I figured out later that he was talking about the VCR porn tapes. I left the DVD, I didn't want to get in trouble for those.

Then, I called him yesterday on my way to pick the kids b/c he was talking about going to a movie. So, I said I was calling to find out what time he was getting off, and he said that he was. So, I asked what time he got off and he said that he had been home a while.

After I was home, he said something about laying in bed, so I asked again, what time he got off and he got on me for "asking so many times." I said I asked twice and shut up. I was mad at that point b/c he was also searching google for biker stuff and this is his usual search for porn. My POV, he was trying to start an argument.

I picked up F and dropped him off at the house, then went to a meeting. Talked to my sponsor, I was ready to come unglued at that point. She calmed me down and I was good to go when I got home. We really didn't talk after I got home. I ate, we sent the kids to bed and I ran a hot bath and soaked in some lavender stuff.

I got out and H was asleep on the sofa, so I peddled around and found the 9mm. It's now in my possesion, one less I have to worry about. i also started packing some clothes for L.

This morning, I folded clothes, and put some more to wash. I'll have F and I clothes, not to mention, I'm going to get some stuff for them to play with, and probably the pictures out of the house. In case, he does follow through with his threats I'll have them. I also, finished video taping the house this morning really quick.

[email]Cr@p[/email], I didn't do the garage and it's contents...I'll have to think about that.

My biggest fear yesterday was that he would burn the house down. What I didn't understand was that the insurance company would still pay me b/c he would go to jail. Now, that I understand that my fear has subsided. It's just the tension b/t the two of us, we speak but it's very little.

I believe that I can't open my month right now and to be honest I don't really have anything good to say to him. Like my S said, I'm sleeping with the enemy right now.

I am wound so tight right now. My boss is going to let me go home and get some clothes together...my concern there is HN. She doesn't work, and I figure out how to get the bags out of the house and how do I explain to H if she calls him and lets him know I'm home.

I got home yesterday and he was on the phone with her...her mother passed away last week...H put it on speaker and she told me thank you for coming to the wake. We're starting to get on speaking terms and feeling comfortable in each other's presence.

I just need to focus on what I need to do to finish getting ready and try hard not to let anything H says or does effect me.

I should hear back from the A today.

Oh, then the GC and F's teacher talked with him yesterday. He asked me if that was okay. I said yes, that was fine. I talked to him again this morning and told him that I didn't want him to think that he had to think bad of his dad and I didn't want to talk bad about his dad.

I said that I remembered what it was like when my grandma talked bad about my mom and that I knew he loved his dad and I wanted him to. I am trying to watch my p's and q's with the boys...not L right now, I'll talked to him later. He talks to much.

I also feel bad that I'm asking F to keep secrets from his dad. That is bothering me some, I mean what is that telling him...I lived with secrets in my family...I didn't want my family to keep secrets...

I KNOW it's what I have to do and TBH, my head keeps thinking...this is all in your mind...no, it's not...so on top of that I'm REALLY struggling with myself...back and forth...self-doubt...then, not...

I'm wondering if I call just call my Dr. without going in...explain to the nurse...MY plate is full!

thank you all SOOO much, I know that I haven't said that on some of my post, but I am so grateful for all of the support, prays, and thoughts! It just means the world to me right now.

LA, I miss you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Still- Have a good time and protect yourself...

HI Guys, i have calmed down adn am okay right now. I was looking at some old emails, looking for the picture of the broken glass and ran across this. After reading it, it's plain as day that he doesn't want to be with me...I must have missed it when I read it the first two or three times...

Or perhaps still hoping...I don't know...any thoughts would be appreciated...I still have to learn to correct my behavior by examining myself...

I surely don't want to go into my next R (a few years down the road) with any extra baggage...

LA, you talked about my own abusive behavior...I don't want to be abusive...I handle the children differently than in the past and I feel good about it...I find that I revert back to old behavior when I'm upset and have to handle them...

It's something I want to work on, perhaps when some of this stress disapates that will be corrected too.

here's the corresponsence b/t WH and I...

Rinder I do love you. I also understand that you are going through some
changes that you want to make. Just remeber this because you want to change
and are unhappy with yourself does not mean that I also have or even need to
change. No I'm not perfect by far I have many faults but for the most part
I really like who I am.

You feel that the people I talk to as a threat I feel that all these books
and you everyday web site as a threat. When I come home and walk into the
room and you are reading one of your book I really want to turn around and
walk right back out the house becouse I know it's going to be one of thoes
days where I have to answer questions about relationships and other stuff.

Rinder I feel like I can't go and visit with friends with out being in
trouble. I really feel like a prisonor that goes to work and back to my
cell. I know that you don't see it that way but that is how I feel. All I
ask is that you take as I am or let me be. I really don't want to be with
you I would the Rinder I fell in love back at Tech I not real sure about this
new Rinder that here.
>
Sent: Wednesday, October 04, 2006 12:00 PM
Subject: sOME THOUGHTS OF MINE...


> Hi, instead of talking and taking my chances with the same angry and
> aggression that I saw the other day, I decided to write for MY SAFETY. I
> am now concerned that one day YOU will snap and hurt me. I know it hasn't
> been in your past nature or in your belief system to hurt women, but this
> time you have a lot more at stake. I fear you snapping. I know that
> burning my books was about YOU and not ME, but it was emotional abusive TO
> me.
>
> I don't think that you see the similar patterns in our relationship as in
> your childhood. I see mine, for all the chaos, SD and Mom did love
> each other. I CAN say that I learned a healthy way of looking at how a
> couple showed affection and responsed to each other. I look to them now
> and see all the devastration that they have held on to each other throught
> all of these years. I wonder if "I" can indure.
>
> I don't know if I'm capable of holding on to what I have at this point.
> I'm trying to be objective and weight the pros and cons, but the cons
> carry more weight then the pros, even though there are more of them. I
> fear that we have hurt each other too much to repair it, because first you
> have to communicate about it and we MOST certainly CAN'T do that well.
>
> I feel like I'm doing my best with owning up to my past mistakes in our
> marriage. I'm trying hard to take responsiblility for my part, and I'm
> trying to be fair. I am half the villain in the relationship and I wanted
> to learn from my mistakes to make a better marriage. I had wanted to talk
> to you thank you for all those times that my eyes were closed and I didn't
> see that you were going good things for me. I had wanted to tell you that
> I was sorry for that an ask for your forgiven.
>
> THIS is what I have been examining the past five months, trying to become
> the best wife, mother, and friend that I can because I wanted my marriage
> to work.
>
> I asking that you give our marriage as much thought as I am becuase if I
> can't love you like YOU need me too and vice versa then there no point in
> continuing. This is just the way I feel. I was asking for a trial period,
> a cool down period where we didn't see each other, so I/we could figure
> out want we want for each other, not from each other.
>
> I don't know if I'm making ANY sense but this is what's on MY MIND right
> now, this moment...I try HARD to LIVE IN THE DAY!
>
> Thank you for your time and listening to my thoughts. I appreciate it SOOO
> much. Well, I have to get out of here. I'm hungry and I need a nap. I just
> want to let you know where I am right now and I don't mean physically! LOL
>
> Rinder
>

sounds like he does want to be with you... just so long as you dont expect him to be a mature adult, and modify his behaviour to show respect and consideration towards your marriage, and your feelings.

Techie- I think that you nailed it...I'm expected to be the 18 year old girl that didn't have any responsiblities...

Well, i'm sorry , we both have responsiblities that we have to care for...namely F and L...

I'm checking into a D Care group, not only for me but for the kids...I remember what my parent's D was like and I was 3 at the time...I think this would be in their best interest, if they can't talk to me or their D then at least they will have someone...

Hi all, D care for kids is ot until summer and that depends on the teachers. D Care for adults is year round.

well, h called and asked me to lunch but didn't get there until 35 after with the traffic...I was happy about that...

I think that he went to the store that night to get some med. for his tooth...still no Dentist appt.

After lunch, I went home and packed clothes, I only have a few things to get now...

I really feel like I shouldn't be posting here...I mean it's a MB site and here I am hiding everything from my H...I know, I know, It's for my safety and the kids...

I just don't like being around him right now...it just makes it so much harder to do this...today at lunch he took my face in his hands and gave me a peck...he also admitted to our friends that his whole bonus went to his bike...

I told H before he did that one of our credit cards called and I told them they could expect payment Friday...come to find out he's getting off at 3pm for a while...work slowed down...

How can I'm the one that's been treated bad and I feel so guilty? That just doesn't make any sense...I know that I have to do this but it sure doesn't make it any easier...

PM- I wanted to thank you personally for chiming in...I appreciate your post and knowledge...I still haven't heard anything back from the A...

I know that no one really has any advice in regards to my sitch...it's a little difficult to be here...

But I apprecaite you all, so thanks!

Rin,

NOt much time today. Hope you are doing as well as can be expected.

My thoughts are with you at this tough time.

(((((Rin))))))
I just dropped and started to catch up. I am so sorry things have turned down this path. You have given him a million opportunities....DO NOT feel guilt. He is making some really poor choices. Don't let him make your choices for you.

I'm glad you are seeing a lawyer and taking steps to protect you and the kids.

You deserve so much more. I guess this explains why recovery was so hard....he was just pretending to be your H.The WH mindset is obviously still ingrained.

Do what you need to do. You have grown so much here you are a strong, smart woman...be confident in your choices. Trust your gut instinct.(the little MB gaurdian angel w/us)

Thoughts and prayers to you and the boys. You will get through this and be better everyday.

Hi Frog...THANK YOU so much for stopping by...I am doing well for the most part...I was wondering if you know the song Icebox by Omarion...WH has this as his ringtone...I asked him about it once and he said that I would have to see the video to understand...

Tonight I looked it up...listened with the headphones...my heart is so broken...it's the first time I've admitted it to myself and as much as I love him...I can't do this...

I'm ANGRY and heartbroke!!! I've busted my a$$ for him all these years...

Here are the song lyrics:

Fussin' and fightin', we back at it again
I know that, its my fault, but you don't understand (no)
I got memories, this is crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
Good with ma, good with pa, cool with all my [censored]
I should try to decide, wanna let u in, but no
That means memories, and its crazy
You ain't nothing like the girl I used to know

[Bridge]
Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
Its no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

[Chorus 2x]
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

Why cant I get it right, just cant let it go
I opened up, she let me down, I wont feel that no more
I got memories, this is crazy
She ain't nothing like the girl I used to know
I don't mean to take it out on you baby but I cant help it
Cause my heart is in the same ol' condition that baby left it
And I, I apologize, for makin' you cry
Look me in my eye and promise you won't do me the same

[Bridge]
Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
Its no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

[Chorus 2x]
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold

I don't wanna be stuck up in this cold cold world
Don't wanna mess this up better keep your eye on me girl [3x]

[Bridge]
Girl I really wanna work this out, cause I'm tired of fightin'
And I really hope you still want me the way I want you
I said I really wanna work this out, damn girl I'm tryin'
Its no excuse, no excuse
But I got this

[Chorus 2x]
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (but I got this)
I got this icebox where my heart used to be (said I got this)
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold
I'm so cold, I'm so cold, I'm so cold


You know Mary J Blige "Not Gon Cry"

Well, that's my song!

Here are lyrics:

(vs.1)
While all the time that I was loving you
You were busy loving yourself
I would stop breathing if you told me to
Now youre busy loving someone else
Eleven years out of my life
Besides the kids I have nothing to show
Wasted my years a fool of a wife
I shoulda have left your [censored] a long time ago

(chorus)
Well Im not gon cry,
Im not gon cry,
Im not gon shed no tears
No, Im not gon cry,
Its not the time
Cuz youre not worth my tears
Well Im not gon cry,
Im not gon cry,
Im not gon shed no tears
No, Im not gon cry,
Its not the time,
Cuz youre not worth my tears

(vs.2)
I was your lover and your secretary
Working every day of the week
Was at the job when no one else was there
Helping you get on your feet
Eleven years of sacrifice
And you can leave at the drop of a dime
Swallowed my fears, stood by your side
I shoulda left your [censored] a thousand times

(chorus)

I know there are no guarantees
In love you take your chances
But somehow it seems unfair to me
Look at the circumstances
Through sickness and health till death do us part
Those were the words that we said from our hearts
So now when you say that youre leaving me
I dont get that part

(repeat vs.2)

(chorus)


ChaCha- Thank you...I have plans once I get to my safe place and when I'm ready to curse him lower than a dog...write it all down and burn it...As you can tell from the lyrics...here's my life right now...

I'm trying to keep it mind that there are a life time of opportunities...I can be healthy and have a good R someday...

You know that was my song from the time that it came out! I would put my headphones on and sing it with all my heart...b/c it was my life...

Well, I appreciate you all...I wouldn't be where I am today and that is a good thing even though I'm balling my eyes out while WH sleeps in the next room...that's kind of typical too...

I KNOW I deserve better...someone to comfort me and offer me a hug when I need it...not more crumbs!!!

I hope someone can relate to me...or someone learns from my experience...

SO...we will see what tomorrow holds! A bright new day, right?

((Strivin)))

There is a light at the end of this tunnel, and this time it is not the oncoming train.

Remember, today is tomorrow's yesterday.

You are strong, you can do this, you are worth this!

Praying for your safety, strength, and wisdom.

Wh called this morning and asked if we were getting a D...he heard it...I said yes, and he asked why and I refused to discuss it with him...

I was on my way to work...I stopped back by the house, gathered the rest of my stuff and came to work...

He showed up...I was on the phone with my S...I came in the building and locked all the doors...called my boss, she called the police...I called my A...

They are rushing the paperwork throught the system...My boss showed up, along with the cops and WH was asked to leave...

So, here I am...going to my safe place tonight...