S4B,

I hear you...I remember. And I'm asking you to do what you've not done before...choose to believe in yourself...

A long time ago we talked about living externally...this is part of it. Think about something that happened where someone defined you and it was perplexing, not devastating...and I think I said my big purple head idea...picturing you, an adult woman, being told by me, another adult woman, "You have a huge purple head."

Would you hurt? Feel pain? Or would it be odd and curious signals you got?

You KNOW you don't have a huge purple head...(and yes, when I use this, posters thinks it's fun to say they do...and I know they are talking about pimples)...when you really believe you are not a liar (for we all have lied), you will feel perplexed, disinterested, questioning...not hurting when others define you. The ones that hurt are signals to you about you...and what you choose to believe about yourself.

You could have lied for twenty years, and I would not define you as a liar...you're not lying now. I remember being wrongly accused, assumed, punished for stuff I didn't do and not being believed when something really terrible was happening to me.

I remember. And I knew this was a deep fear of mine...to be arrested by mistake (I have a really common face) and imprisoned...mistaken identity. That's really gone away now...because I now know myself...and believe half of that came from me denying my own identity...lost in self-image...and self sent that fear because I was mistaking myself...for my real one.

You're not alone...this is me urging you to dwell where you have power...in your own stuff...and learn to finally live from yourself, as you've been doing, and in times of crisis and great fear, may not be doing...because you are whole, significant, created from love, marvelously.

A reminder. To realign, re-center...you can do this.

Breathe.

LA

S4B

It doesn't matter what others choose to believe. Some of them just can't "handle the truth". What's important is what YOU believe.

When my best friend since high school was going to a woman's group for DV victims at the local police station (great meeting place for such a group) one day she was waiting for it to start and doing that same kind of self-talk (no one believes me, he's a great church involved guy, even our pastor didn't think it was so bad etc) when the secretary there asked her what was wrong and my friend told her. The secretary's response was priceless "What makes you so special? It wasn't anything you did. Your H broke the law!"

That was all it took for her to see the whole thing in a completely different light. The reality that what he did was wrong-according to the law made her realize his actions weren't her fault.

What I've learned with both my sister and friend going through DV is that DV has no boundaries. It crosses all socio-economic lines and educational levels. It is in the marriages of pastors, doctors, politicians and truck drivers.

And, most abusers are really good at making themselves look good to everyone else and making their marriages look great to the outside world. My friend's H would be very sweet and affectionate around others, then withhold affection, posture to get her to cowar and when that didnt' work, he'd hit her.

That's part of the control.

When you go back to the house, can you take a couple of men with you-a brother or neighbor, an off duty cop-Dog the Bounty Hunter (or someone equally as scary)<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> You really just need some people around to make sure to diffuse the situation. Most abusers won't act out in front of others.

You are moving in the right direction. You aren't to blame.

Have you read the book "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldredge on the heart of a woman? It's so confirming and so eye-opening to our hearts and what God wants to do in our hearts. It was healing for me at different times in this whole journey.

Hang in there

Hi Rin, Just wanted to stop by and let you know. I think you are doing the right thing for your family. Someday even your WH will see that.You are in my prayers and so is your WH.

You have learned so much since you came here. You are so much stronger than when you first arrived keep up the good work.

Don't know what else to say just sending my support.

(((((RIN)))))

LA- Thanks for the reminder...I guess we do need that from time to time...

What I need to remember is that these are people that I don't need to believe me? I think I'm holding it in the forfront becuase I will be living across from these people next month...It would be nice to have GN in my life but they can stay on there side of the street and I can stay on mine...

Johnstwin...I gained a little clarity from your post...I think that it's hard to believe that the things that he did are in fact breaking the law...I mean I've read what DV is and until you shared that story it really didn't sink in...

WH burned my books...that's destruction of property and that is against the law...I know I tell my kids that from time to time when they destroy something, or write on something...so the same thing applies here...

Same thing with intimidating me to come home or punching the wall...okay...I guess that the DV being the new twist in our M for the last year and me not knowing what exactly DV was until I looked it up...I think I'm still coming to terms with it myself...

So, in a way, I'm still having trouble processing what has happened, not only with the Dv but the VA...which has been there our entire M...so, I guess I'm really having trouble accepting reality...

I mean heck I've been in denial for this long...you know my boss would talk to WH and tell me later that there was something wrong with him...that he needed IC...and I would think he'll never go...She's been really supportive...

I do have OP who are supporting me and I think that wanting GN to believe me is a case of I want what I want...

UM...guess I got some stinkin thinkin to get rid of...

I have to share that I ran some errands at lunch and that made me feel really good...my watch stopped last night, so I went to the jewelers, repaired it... went to the bank, went to Wal-mart to pick up a few things I needed, and then went to another store to return something...

ALL for me...no kid stuff..no H stuff...just ME...that felt good...I felt better when I got back...


This was something I was complaining about when I got here...and it's SO true...last night when my S went with me to pick up the kids...he was SOOO pleasant...

Can you believe that he told me yesterday that I didn't need a witness b/c there would be no problems...I just TMed him okay, I'll pick up the kids at 8pm..if I'm there he's going to say something to me and I don't even want to put myself in that sitch...no sense in being stupid...

Of course, I have let my guard down driving around town and that's probably not a good idea...just b/c he's leaving me alone right now really doesn't mean a whole lot to me...

OH, the withholding affection...that really hit a chord with me b/c I have complained about that over the years in my journal...WOW! He would SO ignore me...

No, I haven't read that one, johnstwin...I'll have to put that on my list...I just got a new AL-anon book and I'm still reading TVAR that LA recommended...

Well, I appreciate you helping me think straight...I think that it will just take a little time for it to sink in...

Thanks! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mar- HIIIII!!!! Thank you for stopping by...I really appreciate your support...sad, but I hope that someday he sees it too...I thought about asking my A if there's a class that the judge will put him in...

I agree with you about coming a long way...his A was a blessing in more ways than one...

You know I can remember when he would tell me that he told his friends how okay I was with him going to lunch with OW...He would tell me that he told them that they didn't understand our R, that I didn't get mad at him for having lunch with her...At first I wouldn't say anything, but as time passed I started speaking up and started telling him that I was not happy with his R with OW...

Oh, the things I did to try to stop that, and oh how many times he left work and came to mine...I hated to see him drive up...

well, he can sleep with any convenient store HO he wants to now! I don't care, it's not going to effect MY health! When I'm ready I will have BETTER! That's a promise to myself!

I sure wish I had read this book in the beginning! TVAR, I'm reading and I'm hearing STBX voice in my head and remembering the sitch at the time...

Remember how I said that my LB would fill up so quick...well, I think there were times when he wasn't abusive...but I'm reading over the patterns and we have several...

It's like the more I read the more I see the dyfunction...I read during my breaks so that it doesn't overwhelm me...STBX used some of the common phases...

LOL...I guess you can call this reading enlighting...

Remember The Color Purple...I love that movie...anyway, I'm hoping that STBX gets the same that Cecil's H got...I think I will use that movie as inspiration...perhaps I need to rent it!

Rin,

To save me from having to go back, what book are you reading? DV does that mean domestic violence.

My Wh never hit me... but I really think I have been emotionally abused. At times he has made me feel like I'm not even there. He made it so I couldn't even make a decision without him. Maybe that's why I'm having such a tough times with this.

I need to find the card my deacon gave me about being in abusive situations...it was a special counciling place that dealt only with that.

Still

HI, Still...DV is domestic violence and the book that I'm reading is The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans


I tell you that it's an eye opener...LA recommended it and CJ said it really helped her as it is helping me now...

It may be worth your time...I understand feeling like you are not even there...

Still from what I've heard of your story, I would invest a little time and find out...it may not be the case but you are the only one that can determine that!

May I ask what happen that your deacon recommended that to you? I know that their were OP along the way that saw it and I didn't.

Just want to let you know...I'M here for you! How are you today? Feeling better, I hope!

Rin,

I think tomorrow I'm going to the book store... I think at times I may have said things that may have hurt my husband.

My deacon first all feels that the affairs were abusive towards me...and Wh never really ever tries to prove to me he was sorry. I had to do all the work and he let me know that he wasn't happy with anything I did.

The times he told me I was pathetic, your so clingy. I can't stand waking up and seeong your face... things like that. He also would explode at me and the children over the littlest thing. I'm trying to remember exactly what he said. I may have to go searching... it seems like years ago yet it was only this past fall. Also the way he was making me feel like it was my fault. And when I talked to him I felt it probably was...

I'm doing okay. I'm nervous about giving him the plan B letter. But I need to I'm tired of crumbs. And right now I'm barly getting that. I can tell when we do talk on the phone he sounds like he can't wait to get off.

This morning wasa tearful morning... that time of the month and DD19 arguing with me all the way from Germany. Cried all the way to work. When I called WH about it I so badly wanted to ask for a hug... but I didn't.

Still

http://www.verbalabuse.com/3.shtml

Here's a link for you...I sincerely think it is worth your time and your deacon was right...

I'm tired of crumbs too...we're still SOOO young...plenty of life to life...plenty of time to be happy...

Pay attention to your emotions when you read...I know that you are stronger than you give yourself creidt for...

I look forward to hearing from you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Thanks I think I'll go check out the site now.

I'll get back to you in awhile.

Still

Rin,

Oh my God.... I was reading along and thinking gees sometimes I get so frustrated that I lash out.... so maybe it's me causing the problems and maybe it really was my fault. Then I get to the sectione about lashing back and thought that's me. Then maybe that's him... I'm so confused. I definately need to get the book.

Anytime I would bring something up my WH would say I was trying to start a fight. Always telling me I'm trying to control him, I'm to sensitive, no sense of humor.

I'm curious to know if it's me that caused him to behave that way... or is this something he will bring with him to his current relationship with his Ho?

Still

Sweetie,

You just found the core problem!

Here's your mouth full...

Anytime I would bring something up my WH would say I was trying to start a fight. Always telling me I'm trying to control him, I'm to sensitive, no sense of humor.

AND NO, IT"S NOT YOUR FAULT! It's about him!

I got the same thing...I was trying to start a fight...I was never happy...if I came home happy, he would tell me that I was in a bad mood...the crap I heard is unreal...

Reading this book...I'm hearing his voice in my head of all the things that i have forgotten...

Talk to your lawyer about this too...you may be able to get WH to pay for IC...mine said that I needed to include it...

(((Still)))

I'm here with you!

Well, hello and Good morning!

I was tlaking to a friend last night, the netrual one that STBX and I had...I have always valued his opinion...His POV is wonderful...Oh, this is the BF that OW wanted to go home with the night of STBX's b-day party...

Anyway, he was saying that I should go ahead and fix my car that the bills are going to be there regardless but that the kids and I need reliable transportation...I think that he's right but kinda wanted some other opinions...

I mean I would just have to tell STBX that I can't help him with the bills this week b/c I'm getting the oil leak fix and transmission serviced...then I figure do the spark plugs and wires later...I also need to get an eye exam...LOL

I'm about a year past due...was going to last month but after STBX spend the money there was no room for it...I'm in need of new contacts, have been, so I thought that I should do that too...

Let me explain that it's a tough decision for me b/c I'm so big on getting my bills paid...the whole "Let's make sure out credit stays good, blah, blah, blah..."

I hate owing money...but then I think you really need to take care of yourself and you and the kids will have to have a good car...it's an 01' and just needs some minor work...like a good tune up...for the more part she's been real good to me...

She's also almost paid for and I would like to keep her a little while but have thought about trading her in a year or so...depending on how things work out...

it I trade her in then it will be the first car that I buy that "I" pick out...that would be SOOO awesome! One day...looking forward to it!

Anyway, I'm doing well today...the kids and I got to spend some time alone last night...HAD the house to ourselves...WOOHOO!

it was cool! Mt mom also Tmed me, asking about the court date and why STBX hasn't offered to move out of the house...

I told her he said that "I would NEVER get HIS house"...

She said something about a sorry excuse for a man...if I let her she will dog him out...and maybe he deserves it but I would rather not personally...of course, I have called him a few things from time to time, not AROUND the kids...

I sure as heck WILL not do that...they have their our opinion and it will form as they grow...they don't need any help from me! LOL

Well, hope you all have a great day! keep your chins up!

OK Rinder,

If you want to tune up yourself it is a huge pain in the A$$. Changing plugs and wires will make you want to throw your car in the garbage. They are not easily accessable on most vehicles.

I will plug a good friend of mine. Labit's Automotive in lower Bayou Blue. I promise you he is the absolute best and will give you the best price. His CPA told him he doesn't charge enough, but you didn't hear that from me. He's small time and I don't know how fast he can do the job, but I gauarantee his work. There's a reason I still drive a truck with 200,000 miles on it.

That said I am in the same boat as you with wanting a new vehicle. I am working on my boss for a vehicle allowance to remedy that.

Now, if your car isn't giving you any trouble and just needs a tune up I would keep it for now, unless you have $500 a month you just can't figure out what to do with. I personally don't have that problem. I get to pay the entire mortgage and all the bills now. WOOHOO!!

Since you sound like me when it comes to bills, I think you'd be happier in the long run paying off the car and enjoying not having a note for awhile. When the car starts turning into a maintanence hog then it's time to trade.

If you do decide to get a new car then try like he//... no... don't under any circumstances get a lease. Finance 6 years if you have to but never lease a vehicle unless you are in a complete bind and have no other choice.

Guess what my WW did....SUCKER!! She'll have to learn on her own.

Anyway, That's my advice for every situation. If you decide to try and do the tune up yourself, let me know and I'll tell you what tools will make your job easier.

Swallow, Digest, Repeat if necessary

LOL...you got that right, I changed them in my Mercury tracer and it was a pain...I have a grand Prix now and it's even closer quarters...plus it's a 6 cylinder @ $14 a pop a plug! Thing is if I was home I would have the tools I need...

So, I'll probably let it slide this time and have someone else do it...

You must drive a diesel...that's when they start running good! LOL

My father was a jack of all trades...LOL...taught me a thing or two about alot...

I'm not a leaser...I don't see the point, so you're right, then you have that balloon payment...just doesn't make sense to me! I like shopping at night for the car, getting preapproved from the bank, and walking in there the next day and signing the paperwork...No hassles!

Right now, all I need is some new tires, a tune up, and the leak fixed...the way I see it if I start dumpping more money a month than the car note...it time for something new...like I said she's been good to me...

I think I'll check out your friend...I'd be a sucker to pass up a good deal! He open on weekends, well I can find that out...

Thanks for all your help...I'm looking to do it in the next week or so...

And I would be happier paying off the car...that way I can get some other things taken care of...perhaps treat myself! LOL

OMG< OMG< OMG>>>>

BC, YOU ARE THE BOMB! I called and made an appt. to get everything done...

AMAZING! i was asked who referred me...she thought it was someone else, so I had to give them your name and then...

WORK...best part... All of it...ALL OF IT, fixed for like CHEAP...

I'm doiong the single mom happy dance! My bosses are laughing at me...so I set the appt. for Wed. and it will probably only take half a day! I AM SOOOO on cloud nine!

STBX can kiss my A$$, this was suppose to be done last Labor day...i had to call and cancel the appt.. and then it was going to cost me @ 200 just for the oil leak! And that was with my cousin...STBX was suspended from his job for three days...walking off the job to go pick up his motorcycle!

HAPPY DANCE! HAPPY DANCE!! You are so awesome! Thanks!

Glad I could help. If you like his work, bring him a bottle of Crown. He'll take care of you for life.

Look for his sign. He has a metal building well off the road. He's a mile or so past the arena.

I hope it works out for you.

Good Morning beautiful MBers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to tell you I had a great day yesterday! ANd that included Tming STBX...F needed some school shirts, we only have a few with us and some of them are stained, so I tried to call about using our Joint account to buy him 3 new shirts...

Well, he Tmed me back...at first he said there was no money in it, I told him I checked the balance, then, it was there were 2 MSF charges...I said that was last week, then, he said well, I don't know what's out...I said nothing, everything's clear, that I have been using my acct.

He didn't response...so, I got F's shirts anyway...three hours later, STBX TMs me back with I got F's shirts...I asked this past week to find F's shirts around the house...he didn't...

Then, I told him I would pick them up Sun., and FYI, I'm getting my car fixed Wed...He asked what I was talking about!

So, I TMed him the list of things that are getting fixed, and he said good!

If I wasn't reading this book, TVAR, I would be thinking how can he ask me what am I talking about with the car...

I didn't sleep well last night, I was dreaming about being verbal abused...Can you believe that? And when I say that I didn't sleep well, I mean I woke up three times...LOL

Compared to four and five when I was home! Since I've been away, I usually wake up twice. Is that amazing or what...if I had known that my M and STBX was the problem, I would have left a long time ago...

I was worried that I had a sleeping disorder...I convinced myself that I had a horrible memory...I hated driving with him in my car, b/c he was always telling me to look out for this or that...I was driving this way or that way...he really made me nervous when I drove...for years I would make him drive...

yesterday was so great I guess, b/c I was happy ALL DAY...after I got off work, I picked up the kids...went home, chitchatted, left for my meeting which I was chairperson, and then came home to deal with the kids...they had already ate and were cleaning up...

In the past, I would come home happy, and SOMETHING would happen, then I would be told that I was never happy, or I would never be happy. Or asked what's wrong? Then, if I said nothing, that I had a good day, he would tell me that it didn't seem like it!

Well, I've learned so much from it all! I am SO grateful for his A...that was what shocked me into coming here and making some really good choices for me and my kids! I don't have any regrets and feel Great about my decision to D.

I am looking forward to living MY life...don't get me wrong, I'm STILL VERY hurt...I do love him very much...and I'm VERY angry with him also...but I FEEL BETTER being away from him...I also think that's a little strange too, but after 13 years, I guess it would be strange...

I do have an uncomfortable feeling right now...STBX's BF, the one that OW wanted to go home with, invited up for the St. PAtick's day parae and boiled crawfish...now I'm trying to decide if the feeling I have is the old me, not wanting to go anywhere for fear or if it's something else...

I feel like I should go, i mean that is a two hour drive...I'm also trying to build a little nest egg and this day trip would take away from that...but it would be good to see him...I guess I look at him like an older brother b/c I value his opinion so much...

I know that I need to keep busy this weekend, and if I was up there I could go see our other BF too...he was at the B-day party too! I'm confused about the trip...but Sunday, I had plenty of things lined up to keep me busy without the boys being around...

I have a home and garden show (my company is a vendor at, just going to look), DCare, and my meeting...one full day!

Well, thanks for listening, I apreciate any thoughts, and I am so grateful for all the support! Thank you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I'm still so excited about getting my car fixed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good Morning Rind,

So happy things seem to be in place for you. You sound veryt focused and that is good.

I've had a good 2 days also. Still miss H but the things we talked about VA weighed heavily and got me thinking. And I'm focusing more on me and not WH.

Going out in a bit to pick up book. Some light reading this weekend.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> we have a winter storm warnig starting at 12n today. Going to be messy this weekend.

Still

Hi Still, I do feel good...

i'm happy to see that you are focusing more on yourself...and will be getting the book...now, remember to tkae it slow...if it gets to be to much or you start feeling overwhelmed...put it down and find something that will lift you up...

I read the first two pages like three times before I could get pass them...the first time was so powerful to me...but that's how "I" did...

I am so proud of you! You are doing well and I have faith that you will make some good decisions for YOU!

For me, it feels so great that my life is not revolved around STBX, then the kids, then me...It's ME, then the kids! B/c If I'm not fine then they aren't fine!

Here's to YOU! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />