BC- Thank you for your words of encouragement...I do feel that I have done what I can to save my M...

I see what you guys are saying...about things I could have done...I just felt so trapped, like I had no where's to go...he won't leave the house....he said that I would never get the kids...I could leave with only my clothes and I believed him...I was so scared that he would follow through with his threats...

I believe that is one thing that I need to work on...knowing my choices...I didn't feel that Plan B was a choice for me...I didn't think that he would let me leave...that he would track me down...

God knows how many times in the past year he left his job and showed up at mine...And I wish I had known about DV and VA before I did b/c I would have called the police and had reports filed...

I know better now and I am heartbroke, b/c I still love him, how could I not...I don't think that he's a monster...I feel for him...it's sad that he has made the choices that he has...it sad that I have made the choices that I have...the last thing i wanted was my family to break up as does anyone...

And, I will not lie to you, in the back of my mind I still hope that he changes but there is absolutely NO trust on my part...

SL- You're right, it IS the toughest decision that I have ever had to made and it was one that was not made lightly...I took several days to decide on what "I" wanted and needed...

I hope that you are right when you said that I will be a MB success story...b/c I do feel that I failed deep down in my heart, that I wasn't strong enough or whatever to save my M...but I did what I could with the tools that I had...

Now, I feel that it is up to my to gather the tools I will need for a healthy future...In Al-anon we talk about our "picker" being broken and until I fix my "picker" I don't think that I can have a healthy R...

I thought that I was in recovery SO many times only have my hopes shattered...when I first came here I didn't even know WHAT "I" felt...LA would ask me how I felt and I had to go look up a list of emotions...today, I can say how I feel, if I confused, sad, hurt, in pain, happy, frustrated, etc.

I can see how far "I" have come and it's like I left WH behind...I grew up and he didn't...I try to keep in mind that people come and go in our lives for a reason and I have two wonderful boys from this M, that without WH, I won't have...I'm proud to be their mother...

I am also thankful for all the good times that WH and I had...I will hold those moments close to my heart and remember the bad...like the time that L was in the hospital and WH was on his way to go hunting...I stayed in the hospital with him all weekend...respirtory destress...he asked if I wanted him to turn around and I said no, I could handle it...my fault for not being truthful...

I resented him b/c he chose to hunt over his child...but I know my part in that...I was mad when I was talking to him about it...Mad was something I could identify...I spent a large part of my M mad...

Not realizing that I was mad at him most of the time and then, the horrible part, I took out that anger on the kids...that's is by far the biggest change in the last year...

johnstwin- Thank you for your post...I really appreicate it...

LA- Thank you for responsing...I have missed you so much...helping me to see what my part it...to live in reality...helping me see what my choices are...pointing out things that I need to think about...

This is so confusing to me...I can look back not and see that you guys were right but it was something that I had to do...I was obsessed with the cell phone bill and I think that I had to divert my attention, that's when I started seeing the other stuff that was going on...

Paying attention to the things that he said to me, the way I felt... I did alot of things because I knew that he wouldn't comply with what I needed and lied to myself so often...

When I started reseaching VA...I was floored...this was after I reseached DV...The VA has been there from the beginning...The DV has come about this past year...I have been scared for as long as I can remember trying to avoid his anger...doing things that I thought wouldn't make him mad...b/c I was the one who made him mad...

It was really hard to understand when I got here and you started asking me if I could really make anyone do anything...that was some pretty big concept for me...and it still is to know that I don't make him angry...

Reading this book is helping but I'm still struggling with it's not my fault that he gets mad...so often I think that I started it...

I've got alot to work on in the years to come...and I really believe that I owe alot of my progress to you for sharing your thoughts...I am blessed to have YOU in my life...I've learned so much from you and the others here...

There's one thing that sticks out in my mind that you posted in the last few weeks to me and I'm trying to figure out how I can change my abusive ways...

Someone mentioned the other night in a meeting that she often found herself being sarcastic and that this was a survival tool for her.. how she felt that words hurt more than bruises...how she used this to survive...

This is so true in my case...I couldn't say what I wanted to in front of WH and looking back I see how I would wait until we were in front of people to speak my peace...it was like protect, but of course, I would hear it when we were alone...usually around his family, becasue I felt safe...

Good to know, right?

Wh loved to play the good child around them, they don't have a clue about the drug use, or the swapping (well, now they do, I told FIL about it Sun. I don't know if that was a good choice or not)...

I really don't want to get into details of my M failure with them...I'm still hoping to have a R with them, that way the kids and I can go visit...


I realize this now, how much I help hide things...I wonder how many friends he's going to end up with now that I'm not covering for him...his lies...his behavior...like CJ said about her WH...


It has been so hard to make this choice and you're right there is no way back for WH...my biggest fear with ymself is that I will go back on my word...I keep thinking that if I can't do this for myself then I have to do it for my boys...

My actions have not been consistent with my words in the past...and I am keeping that thought in the front of my mind making SURE that I don't send any double messages...

I don't want to give him any reason to think that I am going back...adn I was telling my S that I don't want or need anything until the court says this is what she gets...

One of the things in our M that i wasn't comfortable with was the fact that we didn't have a cushion, so Friday I am going to open up a saving account...peace of mind for me...it case I have to do repairs on my car, or an emergency comes up...I will have something there...

Techie- I feel that I owe you and apologize. I am sorry that I didn't understand your POV...I understand what it feels like to not be understood...to not be able to get your point across...I just wasn't seeing what you were saying and that's my fault...

Please feel free to post and I ask for your patience when I am not understanding your intentions...I did not feel that you were being supportive and I understand that it is hard to accept my choice...it was hard for me to accept other MBers choices also...

Thank you all for your time and support...I am grateful for each and everyone of you...

Oh, does any body know what the date is that they use for D?

I think I read that you have to be separated 365 days...well, if that's the case, we left 3-8...or is it from the time that he is served?

S4B,

Thank you for your response. My post was for you, your future...I know how hard you work on yourself...that you're no victim...and that you're choosing divorce...which IS your choice. End of story. You don't have to give into anything...you're choosing. And you know it. Find refuge in yourself, Rin. You can do this.

What I point out is to highlight for your consideration...not to tell you what to do. I think you know that. Not to put you down or shame you in anyway. You can't change what you don't know...including your perception, perspective, thoughts and beliefs. Awareness, Rin...so you can truly know your power and limits. Your half. For any future relationship, as well. I know you don't want to repeat...we all do, in some ways, to learn what we didn't before.

I'm glad you're usingthe TVAR book to see inside your own stuff, as well. I found it invaluable in that way...to help me look inside, consider my own abusive acts and revoke those specific permissions...

Seems like when we are abused, we revoke our permission to stop the abuse, out of our control...and yet spend all our time trying to get the other person to change...helping with focus and ownership is the way to living freely, with healthy boundaries, around ourselves.

That symbol of accepting the boundary violation in a different cup...don't lose that. It's what happened to you growing up, early on...this was what you thought was surviving skills...coping skills. Now you know living skills. It's okay to not accept that coffee, period. From that place. Doesn't matter you saw OM, didn't end contact...just ended your A...because your BH didn't have a problem with him. YOU had a problem with him. Give yourself permission to end those relationships from your own code...not others'.

Your choices as yours.

And if you don't want Techie to post to you, that's okay, too. It's not a fault of just your perception or just his communication...if you are too vulnerable right now to adjust your perception, own it, and still ask for now, not to have him post. Doesn't mean forever...you don't have to be perfect, Rin, to be loved.

And it takes real care and bravery for a friend to go against the tide...to say their truth even when it may be unpopular...so know that sharing is sharing...and you still take what is there as the truth, not others' truth...so find your way, get your signals, to stay in reality and clarity. You don't need me to show you--YOU KNOW. I respect you do. The more you practice finding your way, the more automatic it will become for you.

And you have us for backup. You can't get lost.

This helps in understanding the difference between support and enabling (what feels uplifting to you...where others are changing how you feel at a given moment instead of you feeling, know those signals are yours)...which means others cause, control and cure you. Clearing out the overlap...these posters are supporting you, not through agreement, through their presence, concerns, extra minds and perspectives, from those who have lived closely to what you've experienced. If you read a post which "brings you down" that doesn't mean it isn't supportive...means you felt a signal...trace it...get to what you're believing and see if YOU believe it.

I remember feeling crushed, early on...and that signal pointed me to DJs...to my wishful thinking...my penchant to resent and be a victim (felt like protection)...all helpful...all hurt at first. I'm so grateful for those who "brought me down" for I could not have gotten here without them. Their true friendship outlasts the emotion.

So look to alignment, not betrayal...you want your words and actions to match...they are your choice...they can't NOT match without you doing/saying them. Awareness, not judgment.

I see this often in posters where they are hurting...your judgment...labeling, boxing...is way up right now. I think it's adding to your fear, your treatment...you were focused on removing judgment...keeping your focus inward...so you weren't reactive...which gave you that pendulum affect, the back and forth, which meant you belied your statements and your actions...back and forth...swinging.

If you are acting right now...making this decision from your own choice (not of the mindset that your WH is making you divorce)...then you're not reactive. You won't swing back and forth. Trust yourself.

How's it going with getting counseling again for you and the kids?

And I don't understand your not wanting or needing anything from WH (I was hearing monetary support) until the court decides what you get...because that could be a long way off...so why not figure out your half...child support...living expenses until you get to the point where the court decides? Then the court will have a better understanding, also.

Reasonable, capable, practical Rin...she's in there. She's been there all along. Not reactive. Get to know this side...which you employed to get love through doing...she's not useless because you now know you love and act on your love from choice...she's still you. What you do for the love your self is equal to what you'll do for the love of your kids. Remember...you got here from earning from others...doing for others...using them. Stop. You're enough. You're worth it.

Remember...and know all of yourself. Recognize...remark and share with yourself.

When you covered for WH...you covered for yourself...don't hide stuff from you, about you. Get direct. Choose to live in honesty now...hold yourself to it in all ways, Rin.

Your choices matter. You matter.

I'm reminding.

LA

No truer words will be told to you during this time Rin. Remember those three.

Great post LA, fits the situation perfectly. I couldn't add anything else to that...

Jay

Thank you for your words, and your reinvitation to post here.

I dont think you owe me an apology; it's your right not to have someone talk to you about something, if you dont want to hear it.

I'm glad that it sounds like you understand my intentions better <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> That being said... I think that my timing in saying those things was bad, and you handled your response gracefully. Thank you for that.

Some people have said that I have not "shown you support".
I like to think that I support *you*, but not all your actions/choices <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />
I dont think that "telling someone whatever they currently want to do, is the 'right thing'", is "support". Or if it is, then I dont think that "support" is always the right thing for people to do.

nevertheless, you are in a very difficult situation here, and you are trying to look after you and your right now, and I respect that.

I'll make only one comment, about one thing you have said, and then be quiet for a few days:


I think by that, you mean "your marriage was in recovery". and if so, it is only recovery, when "we were in recovery".

I dont think that the "he" side of "we", was ever fully committed to recovery. thus, I dont think your marriage ever was really "in recovery".

My sympathies on where you find yourself now.
Gotta run and pick up my kids.. bye for now. God bless.

Rin,

I had a consultation a while back and the A told me it was from the day served and it is 365 in Lousiana now so you're in for a long ride.

Stay Strong

LA- My sponsor says that I'm tenderhearted...which I had to look up...LOL...compassionate...to deeply feel someone else's pain...

I feel my WH's pain...I know that his biggest fear is coming true...I have that in his own handwriting...losing his family...I worry about him...

But I'm not doing this to "make" him realize what he's done, or to punish him, or for revenge...I'm doing this for me...I've thought about this long and hard...

It's funny that you mention the three c's (cause, cure, control) b/c I went to a meeting at lunch and that's what we talked about...only three of us...a vet and two newcomers...I still consider myself new...

I have a problem with this...my brain is wet with it's my fault right now...and that lets me to the guilt that I feel...I think there's a difference b/w knowing something and believing something...

I've been second guessing myself for a long time and reading Techie's post I do the same thing...I hear my H in then...

It's really hard when you still want a M but know that it can't happen...it's SOOO hard...

The new OW in the meeting today...she's going for her master's, I want mine, she's Ding with two small kids, and we both have had tons or lies and several OW in our M...

We talked about denial...today's meeting was really good and then, I'm not sure if I mentioned it earlier today but STBX will be watching the kids tonight...

I'm dropping them off after work and picking them up after the meeting...I want someone to go with me to pick them up...I have a few things that I want out of the house...and just talked to the Para and she said that I need to have someone go with me to drop them off...

She'll call me back...okay, he will not be served until next week b/c the judge has approval the papers but has not signed them...STBX will be served next Tues. probably and the court date is April 27th...

APRIL 27TH!!! Man!

Okay...I lost my train of thought! I'll have to reread...sorry LA...

Jayban-Thanks!

Techie- You nailed it...there was no he side of we...the he side was covered with more lies...

BC-Thanks...that means March 20th or March 21st...Good way to celelbrate the beginning of Spring huh?

This is so much c2ap!!! I'll write more later...I had something about not being believed when I was a kid; sexual abuse + mom + SD= lair (me). I feel like that's replaying, GN, and I thought Techie was doing the same...not believing me...and it's so important to be believed...part of that crazymaking that the batterer does...self doubt...okay...I'm done for now!

Rin...since he hasn't been served, make sure that you CAN get your kids back from him tonight. He might try to keep the boys. Make sure that, by filing for divorce, you automatically have temporary legal custody of the boys. Be sure to ask your attorney about this.

Might be a good idea to have police on stand-by tonight, just in case he does try something like this.

A said to make sure that I have awitness go with me to pick them up...

I thought about it...I'm not putting anything pass him right now...so i have someone lined up to go with me but no one ot drop them off...

I TMed him to ask if he would pick up the kids but haven't head anything from him yet...

Thanks TR...for looking out for me...the papers ARE on file...

Well, problem solved with the witness...STBX will just pick up the kids from teh sitter and that way I only have to have one to go pick them up...

He asked why I wanted for him to pick them up and I said that I thought it would be wise to CYA him and me...

He TMed back with is this how it's going to be in the future, last minute changes..

I told him to Stop! Y or N?

He said that was find that we would do it my way. He also asked for his truck and motorcycle key back...

I said sure, and that I have to pick up some thing from the house...and he had lost my car key months ago. I remember when he lost it a few months ago...at work no doubt...

I had to think long and hard on what my answer would be to the Is this how it's going to be in the future. I think I did good on that!

Well, I'll be back tomorrow. You all have a good night!

Hey Strivin'

I was listening to a few songs tonight and I heard two that brought tears in thinking of my WW - they deal with sexual abuse - the only two songs I have ever heard that deal with this topic - very powerful.

I hesitated to post this for fear it would open fresh wounds - maybe it will help you find healing. These helped me see how WW must feel after all these years.

Do a Google search on these:

What is Love by Pax217
Innocence by Seventh Day Slumber

Prayers are with you.

Thanks E! I apprecaite you thinking of me...

I can't sleep and I got lucky with my hosts CPU...

I went to pick up the kids and get some stuff from the house tonight. Well, F reminded me that I wanted my shoes, well a few pairs were under teh sofa...

While digging them out, I pulled out a box that had door locks in them...I expected STBX to change the locks and had even mentioned it to my S...sure enough, I looked over at the front door and the out lock is laying on the floor next to the door...

I shouldn't have been surprised but I was...he's going to have a meltdown when that judge tells him he has to move...okay...I guess I can't say metldown, b/c I thought he would snap when he found out that I wanted a D and it wasn't close to snapping...

I did expect him to come to my work and my boss fixed that one...so I guess thinking it through that I can expect about half of what I fear...

I don't know everyone seems to think that he's lost his hot air...I feel like I have to keep my guard up almost at every step...

I was so proud of myself today when I didn't let him pull me end to an angrument...it really felt good to tell him to stop.

I didn't really look at STBX while I was at the house tonight and I was so glad to have someone with me...I don't want to be alone with him...heck, I can barely bring myself to talk to him on the phone...it's easier to TM him...

Oh, LA...to answwer your question, I went to a DV support group tonight before my Al-anon meeting...it was okay...I was nervous, but not as bad as the first tiem that I stepped foot in Al-Anon...

In the future, bring the kids were at their dad's, when I go to teh group, they have a kids group too that meets at teh same time...

STBX and I worked out this weekend's arrangements...he will pick them up from the sitter and I will pick them up from the house like I did tonight...I'm working in my Sun. night meeting b/f I pick them up...I was also trying to remember what time the DCare group meets on Sun...thinking it would be good to go to that...

I mean I have to find things for me to do this weekend...I dont ever remember having a weekend to myself...I feel like I'm going to have to make all new freinds anyway...I might as well put myself out there...

That's scary...I feel as if I'm having to give up everything b/c of this...and I'm starting from scratch...I mean GN and HN come to find out have joined forces...surprise, surprise...

I was talking to the IC tonight at DV b/c I was the first to show up and I was explaining about the GN's email to me...and she was saying of course they are not going to see the true him and just I guess trying to reassure me...

This IC saw me the day I went in and I was a nervous wreck...I think that I'm doing so much better...

But I still don't trust STBX to not do something stupid...I almost expect him to let sleeping dogs lie and then attack when not one's expecting it...I just fell that he's so unpredictable, perhaps I should chose another word for that...

Anyway, I was also talking to my S about finding some professional IC for me at least and talking about how STBX's company would pay for it and then the insurance would kick in after that...S has someone that she thinks is really good, so I'm going to get the number and check it out. Do a little shopping...

The thought just hit me...if he changed the locks on the house does it seems like he wants his M...or is it that he doesn't trust me as much as I don't trust him...he's told me before that he doesn't trust me and I asked what reasons had "I" given him not to trust me...he couldn't answer...

I don't know...I guess it's easier to chalk it up as more proof that I'm being treated like trash...like the more "proof" that I have the easier to walk away...like the personal ad...

This is so difficult...I want to get to a place where I can have a breakdown...ball my little heart out with no one around...calm down...brush off my shoulders and keep moving forward...right now, I get just enough out to relief the pressure...

Just trying to remind myself to take the higher ground each day...BTW, my Sister called, my HB has been arrested in the parish that he's from on the three misdeamors...so far there will be five felony counts brought against him with a minimum sentence of 50 years...max 201...

MY SM is having a fit according to my sister, and she is saying that Mom wants to drop the charges against him now that she knows the sentences...Dad's not going to want too...and this is going to cause them to get Ded...

I just told my Sister that this is a consequence of my HB's action and mom's going to have to learn that...oh, it's crazy...MOm doesn't want to be the reason why my HB sits in jail for his whole life...OMG...

Wait, then my sister got a DWI and has to go get her ankle braclet Friday for house arrest for teh next ten days...her first and she says her last...

Talk about peace of mind when I realize taht I'm choicing not to involve myself in their [email]cr@p...good[/email] thing that they are on the other side of the state...

Well, I'm not sleepy but I guess I need to try to go back to sleep...I just figured maybe if I wrote I could rest, just get it all out...thanks to all of you...I can't say that enough...

Good Morning! I'm struggling some this morning...I know that it's a result of dealing with STBX yesterday...

HIm changing the locks on the house, and the GN and HN getting together with him to let the kids that they can come over anytime that they want...

Neither one believe that they was abuse and I'm realizing that I will have to make all new friends over this...it just seems that they were not my friends to begin with...

I am a little sad this morning...it's keeping my strenght up b/c last night I was just thinking what it would be like if I went back...I'd have to watch my back and I still feel that I have to do that now...

Anyway, I know that I need to focus on me...recenter today and I'm just having trouble doing that since last night...

Even though I expected it, STBX changing the doorlocks was a big OUCH, it goes along with all those times that he told me I could leave without the kids...telling me that I would get the house...just all those things.

It's just so hard...

Hey Strivin,

Two different translations of the same verses for you today and always.

Ephesians 6:10-18

NIV:
10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.


The Message:
10-12 And that about wraps it up. God is strong, and he wants you strong. So take everything the Master has set out for you, well-made weapons of the best materials. And put them to use so you will be able to stand up to everything the Devil throws your way. This is no afternoon athletic contest that we'll walk away from and forget about in a couple of hours. This is for keeps, a life-or-death fight to the finish against the Devil and all his angels.

13-18 Be prepared. You're up against far more than you can handle on your own. Take all the help you can get, every weapon God has issued, so that when it's all over but the shouting you'll still be on your feet. Truth, righteousness, peace, faith, and salvation are more than words. Learn how to apply them. You'll need them throughout your life. God's Word is an indispensable weapon. In the same way, prayer is essential in this ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each other's spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.

Thank You E! I appreciate you sharing that with me...

This came to my inbox this morning...I actually get them every moring but sometimes I don't have time to read them...I took a moment this morning and this kinda helped.

I just signed up for those e-mails myself - I am on Day 4 <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have been in the DC group for 8 weeks at my church - it's been good but also it's been hard. Me and one other lady are in the same situation having a WS and trying to save our M, everyone else has already been through D.

I really like reading The Message translation - it's in much more modern language, almost like a book.

The one thing greater than your strife is His grasp, so hold fast!

Hi, I think what's really bothering me is the fact that the GN has turned on me...

And then most of our other friends work with STBX...I don't want to put anyone in the middle, you know...

I know that I'm going to have to make new friends and perhaps a fresh start with new people will be better...

I know I can do this...so I've got some rocks in the road...

I guess it's another betrayal in a way...you know being called a lair, and not being believed...OUCH! That pain goes way back!

S4B,

I think you're terrific for identifying that this is a way-back pain of not being believed. As a child, we are trying to make our way from being part of our caretakers (like one being), into two...our whole selves...and so being defined by others is part of that process...

As adults, we know we are NOT liars...we can tell lies and not be liars...we are humans. We can stop telling lies. However, if we don't really have permission to define ourselves only, not others...then we will continue to allow ourselves to be defined by others...take on their stuff...and hurt ourselves a whole lot.

Which is why I ask you to keep digging into that ouch and find the belief it's coming from in you...that you are not to be believed...you are a liar...you make stuff up...no one will ever believe...find that belief...it's really old, outdated...and wrong to begin with.

What YOU believe matters...what you live from.

Pick wisely.

LA

Rin,

Been following your thread but didn't have much to add.

All I can say now is you are probably right.

Unfortunately people end up chosing sides usually.

Then again it might do you well. Think about it this way. Your picker was/is broken. Now you have a chance to get healthy and fix your picker.

Then you can pick all new people to be around.

My FWW has mostly all new friends since she quit drinking.

Much better choices if you ask me.

Good luck.

HI, LA- thank you for acknowledging my good job...There are several times in my life that I have been called a lair...

After I moved back into the house with my mom and my SD was allowed back in the sexual abuse stopped for the most part...the heavy stuff, but he would still grab me and try to kiss me from time to time...

I told my mom and she talked to Sd, but I was making it up...

Then, I was feeding my little brother one time for my SMom and he was finished go I put him down on the floor and no sooner then I did that he throw himself backward and hit the corner of his eye on the corner of the wall...cutting his eye...he had to get buttifly stitches...

She said that I did it on purpose, I was just being mean...I yelled at her "Why should I expect you to believe me when I'm not believed at home!" She felt really bad and apologized but it really hurt...

Then, my HS was but abused sexually by my cousin and she told my SM that I was doing it...my dad and SM were separated at the time adn my SM wouldn't allow me to watch my HS and HB...this really hurt and I asked my dad why and he told me...The four of us sat down and I told them that I wasn't molesting my sister and that I would never want that to happen to anyone...

My sister ended up confessing that it was my cousin, my Sm apologized but the fact that I was accused yet again of something more horrible didn't make it any better...

So, here I am again, speaking the truth and not being believed...history repeats itself right...

So how do I move forward with this? I can think of other things, smaller things that the same thing played out...something got broken, it was my fault...STBX blamed me for so much, defining who I was...I set him up for this...

I'm this or that...not much validation in my life...and it's important to me to be believed...for someone else to say "I see it!"...to be supported...to have a shoulder to lean on...to trust aomeone when the people I was suppose to trust the most, where the ones that hurt me the most...Just like STBX with the A and then realizing what has been going on all these years...

Why I always questioned what was wrong with me? I was actually starting to think that I DID have a problem with HN, that it was me...Do you remember how hard that was for me? I wanted to make things right with that, I remember thinking mostly because of WH...I didn't really like her from the beginning...

Always calling the house, asking WH to go do things for her when he didn't do things for me...it was like a slap in the face...

Frog- Oh, sweetie...Thank you for standing next to me all these months...telling me what I didn't want to hear...couldn't understand sometimes...You TRUELY ARE a GREAT person...

My dream is to make better choices! I REFUSE to be a victim...

I'm very nervous about getting back into the house and getting the kids...I really think that he'll fight me...I was reading that most batterer do and 70% of them wim...good thing that my state is on the mother's side...

Of course, that doesn't make me feel any better...HN's H got custody of his kids but his X was on drugs...

STBX is just go unpredictable...it's really scary for me...

Well, thanks guys! I've just got alot to work through...at least I have the time! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />