Thanks Still!

E,

It was my first session. They are on week 9, kid care...it was interesting...I got a few things out of it...I had already vowed not to talk bad about STBX...my mom never talked bad about my D in front of me and I respected her for it...I also remember their D and I was three at the time, so I remember what I felt and take that into account when dealing with them...

The video was REALLY good, nice people, several widows, mostly already Ded, I was the only one with small kids! Only one other lady with a 12 yr old and this is her second D...I thought to myself I DON't want to go through this again, even if I have to be single for a while...

I talked to my cousin Sat. night, he's already started dating and the first court date was cancelled...I thought that may be right for him but IT'S not right for ME...

How can you start dating when you don't know what's wrong with your picker? I'm not about to get myself in another sitch that's unhealthy...

All of the people there were older than I am...by 20 yrs...I can't go back this weekend, and the next weekend I'll be going to a retreat with my Al-anon group...So, It'll be at least a month before I can go back...

This summer they are having the Kidcare...I would like the kids to go then, and the parent has to go at the same time...I'm looking forward to that! Of course, that s if the kids at not at their GP's, STBX! F has spent the whole summer up there before, and you kwon L lived with them for a few months while going to PreK this past year.

To far in the future to be concerned with now! LOL

I still feel great about my choice to end my M, I was laughing earlier today and my cheeks started hurting...I said that I needed to laugh more to work those muscles! My S laughed so hard at me!

Oh, and my mom TMed me all weekend to make sure I was okay! Just joking around, said she was cooking and wanted to know if I wanted her to send some via smellavision! LMAO I called her a fruitcake...her and I had a heartfelt moments whenI told her I loved her so much and she TMed back that I was the light of her life!

My relationship with FOO is getting better by the day! My SM even called today to talk. We breifly talked about my HB being in jail and the charges on him! Sad, she's taking it pretty hard, blaming herself...I had to remind her that it wasn't HER fault that he did this to himself!

IS it normal to feel a little down the day after the kids come back?

I know what I'm doing is the best thing for me, but then there is that slight bit of second guessing that comes in...

That guilty feeling that arises thinking that I'm doing this and I know that I"M not that this is consequences of HIS behavior...

In my DV group, they said that feeling guilty was normal...

And of course this is this one part of me that wishs he would change, and then I think could you really live with this man after all that he's done...

It's the confusion of it all...then I have to remind myself that the changes that I saw were just a game and not real...that he didn't change then and what's to say that he will change now or in the future...

Guess that's my inner child wishing things would still work out...knowing that they can't...

Just wondering if anyone is experiencing the same kinds of things...

For the first time I thought "yes, D is hard"...I'm not going to get myself in a downward spiral today like I did last Wed. when the kids came back...

Should I be documenting the no bath thing and what other kinds of things should I be writing down?

Rin,

Document all of STBXH's lack of parenting. I don't think you'll have any trouble getting domicilary parent title, but you need to have your case ready. After his first weekend with the kids it doesn't look like he's ready to be a single dad. Hopefully that will change as he gets accustomed to it. Are ya'll 50/50 right now or is he just getting every other weekend?

Also, I am the King of confusion right now. Your feelings are normal. Talk to God. He's a good listner.

D is hard, I got to watch my B go through it. Don't feel guilty. If STBX wants to save M it is his turn to do the work and put in the time. If you don't see any changes in him now then you know you made the right choice.

Now my inner child wants thin mints....it's girl scout cookie season....I havn't touched one yet, but they're selling them on every corner....

Stay Strong

Yes Rinder, feelings of guilt are normal in Ds. Don't let those feelings put you in a mode of second-guessing your situation.

As BC said, document, document, document. Everything. Document the good and bad in your own handwriting, I use a spiral notebook myself. Date it, make a note of witnesses, be thorough the very day it occurs. You don't want to come back to something and have to trust your memory.


Here's an important piece to remember: If your wayward STBXH wants to save the M, then as BC said, he has to do the work. It's on him to do that, and he has to do a remarkable turn around in order to accomplish that. Take it one step at a time, and in the event he actually begins to put forth the monumental effort it will take, post here and stay the course while we help keep you...

Strong!

He's every other weekend, with the TRO, I have sole custody right now...
Thank you for the tidbit...

LOL...Thin Mints huh? I'm a peanut butter girl! I rode yesterday down lower Bayou blue to check out where your friend's shop is...didn't have any problems finding it...I guess I go down the drive to the right...

Well, i won't have any trouble finding it!

MY MOM JUST SEND THE BOYS AWESOME STUFF FOR EASTER! sidewalk chalk, horseshoes, badmittion, carrot bowling ball, all easter theme...two outfits a piece...card games, pickup sticks, etc...

All I have to do now is get the candy! And she was nice enough to send me money for that! I have an awesome mom!

Drive to the right is correct

And make sure some of that candy actually makes into their baskets!!

Shoot, DOOOO IIII HAVE TOOO?

Sweetart Ducks, Chicks, and Bunnies are my favorite! LOL, but after about six my teeth hurt! LMAO

Oh, and Reese's, got to love them! But I can do like I did for halloween...I bought three bags of Snickers the day after and didn't share! LOL Believe me, my hips are thanking me NOW!

Got to work THAT off! LOL

Before last year, I wasn't much on candy...NOW fruits and vegetables....OH, MAN!

Hi, Strivn!

I'm here! Actually I had some internet difficulties last week and ended up having to get a new router at home. Oh well...I'm "online" now. It was funny seeing the kids try to figure out what to do without internet. By the weekend, they were playing in the park and riding bikes together--I almost hated to see the internet come back! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Sooooo...it's Monday morning here in the Pacific Northwest, and I have an excellent cuppa coffee....let me tell you about "flashes". I personally think that people who are survivors of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual) have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) to one degree or another. This is the same thing that occurs to soldiers who go to war and see very traumatic things. The fact is that in order to survive, you can numb the trauma at the moment--but when you do get "safe" you will start to remember and it is like a flash. Something will remind you--trigger the flash--and for that brief moment it is as if you are back there in the past re-experiencing it. Your body experiences the trauma the same as it did when it actually occurred to you.

Let me give you an example. When I was a young girl (like middle-school aged) my mom used to beat me daily with broom handles or a board. So when I was being beaten I sort of numbed it out and in order to survive, I would do something like concentrate on the pattern of the sofa (weird, I know, but that's me!). Out of the corner of my eye, sort of, I saw the wood swinging and felt the pain of the hit, and yet if my mind was really, really "not there" it hurt less. Years later, when I was a grown woman and had been in a couple years of therapy for the physical abuse, I took my daughter to a sporting goods store to buy a baseball bat. I wandered around the store looking at various sports equipment a little, while she tried out every single bat in the store--and she decided she wanted a wooden bat for backyard batting practice, and an aluminum bat for "team play." She brought the wooden bat to me and said something like, "Mom, I like this bat. The weight of it is just right for my swing" and right there in the aisle, she swung the bat.

I was not looking at her straight on--she was sort of to my side--so I saw wood coming at me out of the corner of my eye and had a full-blown Post Traumatic trigger. Right there, in the store, I felt inside like I was freaking out and I wanted to run out of the store screaming. Instead I managed to tell my daughter, "I need to get a little air honey. I'm going to the car to sit down, and I'll be right back." Inside my head, it was like experiencing all the pain and fear and anger and shaking that I had actually felt back then when I was a kid, but I was a grown woman now and I wasn't trying to numb it out. And I knew some tools to know how to deal with it. So, I went to my car, turned on some music, took several deep breaths to calm down, and became very PRESENT in the NOW. For example, I used all my senses to stay HERE and not go back in the past: I HEARD the music...I SAW the trees and birds...I SMELLED the flowers...etc. -and- I told myself in my head "That is the past. You are safe now. You can defend yourself now" in a calm, soothing voice.

Strivn, I am not sure if you will have flashbacks like that...or flashbacks that bad. I knew that I did require IC because of my flashes. BUT, I highly suspect you will be in an instance that is totally non-threatening and feel afraid due to a "flash"...or have dreams and memories of what occurred.

BTW...if you ever have any questions, you can always email me personally at the email addy in my signature.

((((Strivn)))) You're doing well!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

LOL...Good Afternoon CJ...I have been diagnosed with PTSD and General anxiety Disorder...both have gotten so much better...

The way you explained your story...now I now why in college, I was playing with some friends and I ended up on bottom of the pile...well, I freaked! I ran out of the room and leaned up against the wall, I remember thinking it was the way SD would hold me down and I couldn't fight...

Over the years, I would have dreams, kickin his butt in them all...just whaling on my SD...but that all stopped some time ago...until D-day that is...started not sleeping, jumpy...infidelity diet...who knows how long I was in shock for after it all...

Then, I found here...learned a WHOLE LOT...

Started going to AL-anon...very helpful!

Then, right before I left, I dreams WH tore the house apart...used a sledgehammer on the bathroom walls...the cabinets were torn down...the place was just a mess...it was really scary becasue this was all of my fears balled into one...matter of fact there was one night, I don't remember what I was dreaming but I remember being scared ALL night long and had to wake myself up several times throughout the night...

Since I left, I am sleeping better, instead of waking four or five times a night, I'm down to two or three...and i eat in the middle of the night...I'm not proud of that and wish I could stop, so I watch what I eat during the day...

I was really jumpy right after I left...but it's getting better now that I'm more relaxed...LOL...but still jump at loud noises...Good thing I'm not a screamer! LOL

bad thing Is I didn't stick around IC long after I was diagonsed to learn the tricks for PTSD...

My anxiety had almost dimenished...I use to feel it all day long, now, only when I get emtional does the world seem like it's crashing down...

I was thinking early this morning if I could figure out a way that I didn't have to see STBXH at all for awhile but I'm going to have to face him sooner or later...he's been pleasant when I have seen him...

I think that the Shelter was right when they said that he would back down when the police got involved and he has...no phone calls, nothing...

Told the kids or F at least that he would never lay a hand on me...Good to know...I'm still not sticking around to see...

LOL...the last time that I remember sleeping all night was the night before Katrina hit...I left, spur of the moments, without the kids because he wouldn't let me leave with them...I went to my cousins house...slept all night...a few days later, I told him that I slept all night and he said it was because I wasn't around him...

I went back the next day to help board up the house and be with the kids, we evacuated and I stuck until this pass year...tried leaving for a night...slept in the back room for a while...then, OCt., I wanted to file...

Of course, he would do whatever it took...and here I am today with lots of crap between here and there...

it's all good...I'm a fight and I'm not about to be held down...I have my kids, my health, a good education, great support, and I'm taking the higher ground with STBXH....

I WILL DO great for myself, I WILL prove to him and anyone else for that matter that you can kick me when I'm down BUT I WILL get back UP and be all the better for it! Just as I have in the past!

I'm hoping to go back and get my Master's degree to better provide for my boys and it's a personal accomplishment that I want to achieve...

I'm just determined! And STBXH can look at me and know that he screwed up, if he cares...with all of his convenient store HOS, he'll be hard pressed to find someone like me...

I'm not conceded...actually I think I'm pretty average looking but my determination speaks volumes...

Okay, I have to get back to work..LOL...enough about me..thanks for sharing...I'm blessed to have you share with me...it makes it so much more easier... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This idiot closed our joint checking account, and our auto insurance is drafted from it!

I called my A and his para said that I may have to pay my own for the time being.

I'm not even sure if he can do that...she didn't even say anything about him changing the locks on the door...

ANybody have any information...I feel left in the dark...

Hey Strivn,

This isn't "legal" advice but just practical advice. I have no idea what he can and can not do "legally" but being legal is usually not real high on a controlling/abuser's list...and they usually will do what they can not legally do for the three months that it takes to get them to court to be told by a judge that they can't do that.

Thus, here's my practical advice. As much as is possible, everything that is yours, you just figure out how to be financially responsible for that part. There are going to be certain things that you just CAN NOT live without (like car insurance) and those things you should just take over out of your own account. There are going to be other things that will hurt but that you could live without (such as cable TV), and if you want you can leave those in joint names or whatever, and if he decides to have a cranio-rectal inversion and cut off "your" bills to spite you, then he can't touch the "necessary, required" stuff and you have evidence that he's an a$$.

That is my PRACTICAL advise. Take away his power. Right now, he's thinking that some of his power is money. Cool. You pay for your own "must have" things so he can not have power over you. He may still try to control you via closing accounts or turning off utilities, but you will already have those things in your name...or drafting out of your account...so he has no power.

Okay?? Sorry he's needing a cranio-rectalotomy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Your faithful friend,


CJ

P.S. This was one of the things that just made me SO MAD when I divorced my exH. He had a track record of being able to make $7-8k per month and I made a consistent $2k per month--but I had to pay for all my stuff and all the kids' stuff out of my little $2k until the court date. Even then, he was PISSED that I asked for back child support (CS). He said, in front of the judge, "I refuse to pay her ANYTHING until I am forced to do so" so the judge said, "Sir, I am forcing you to do so. It is not an option. It will be withheld from your paycheck."

Awesome! I called and got a quote on car ins., I have until the 5th. No bad, I can handle it!

Also I talked to him...I heard that I could come home now, he still loves me...doesn't want to fight and put his kids through a fight...

I heard that my books were man hater booker, a threat to him, since last April everything has been about me, he's not going to kiss my a$$, won't even do it for his monthe and father...same [censored]...he doesn't get it...

We agreed to get our own ins., he was calling me baby, and boo...the boo is from the HN...he would call me baby from time to time...

I told him that I was scared of him, like the night that he tracked me down and told me that when he found me that he was going to make a scene...then, when I got home he moved nmy car behind his truck and I slept with the door locked...

He said that he just wanted to make sure that I was safe...I said I was safe where I was...he said that I use to run to him for safety and then I stopped...I would run to OP...said that he felt I thought he was the enemy now...

I told him I knew about the personal ad and that I found it after I had made my decision...said he was just looking and knew how I felt...that he wasn't going to do anything but look...he wasn't trying to set anything up...

I told him that my decision was made the night that we argued and he said hateful things to me...

It was all just excuses, cover up...I mentioned him throwiung the coke bottle in my directions...he said that even I have gotten mad before and if he wanted to hit me he would have...

He also said that he would never lay a hand on me because he has said before that I was to beautiful to hit...I said that I didn't remember him ever saying that and things were only getting worse...

He said that I could call and talk to him any time...I said that he could call and tlak to me if it pertained to the kids or finances.

I know better...I was really good becasue I wanted to tell him that it was all lip service, that he was full of [censored]...but I didn't...

He said that he didn't know what was being drafted out of the acct., so he didn't know...I kept him up to date on the bills...I just spoke to him about the ins. decreasing and the next draft would be in APril...lies, lies, lies...

He also said that he hasn't been with anyone since last year...he told me that the last time he was with OW was Dec. 05', so my thought was who had he been with last year?
I didn't say a word, just let it slide...we're beyond words now and all I see is a snake in the grass!

Well, he'll get his papers tomorrow or Wed. and he'll see that I'm tired of taking his [email]cr@p[/email], that I'm serious...

I don't think he honestly "HEARD" a word I said this evening! Oh, I can't wait to get back in the house!

Rin - I had a nightmare last night - one so bad that I woke up at 2 a.m. and every time I went to close my eyes, the image of "the house" would be there right behind my eyelids...

I woke up worried about you. Please be careful. Consider moving far far away with a permanent restraining order - expand it to your children and your dog. He's very much thinking he still has "it" to draw you back in. Once he knows differently, he'll be more dangerous. Time to tighten up the boundaries, not relax them.

Rin,

It's a good thing you're beautiful, because if you weren't he would've knocked the tar out of you. You should feel so lucky!

His comment sounded like something right out of the Player's hand book.

Girl, you're to beautiful to hit and I coulda thrown a can of Sam's Choice Cola at you but NO, Coca Cola for my baby.

WHAT A MAN!!

Thanks, KA! I do plan to tight up, starting today because I know that he's going to get served today or tomorrow! I appreciate you sharing that with me and I will take heed!

BC- I never thought about it that way, Thanks for the laugh this morning!

Even I have come to realize that he uses his charm to suck people in, one of the reason I know I didn't realize until now.

I know he was kissin @ss, he was using a sweet tone and calling me pet names...I remember the first four days after D-day...all lovey lovey, touchy feely, then, back to being distance when I wanted to talk about the A...

I still wonder from time to time if he lied about having an PA, I know in my heart it was an EA. It really doesn't matter at this point, I want out, plain and simply!

It was even weird hearing him say that I was beautiful TBH!

Well, I guess we will see!

Rin, you're doing great, AND you ARE beautiful, but not because some other person tells you so, you are doing what is best for everyone, you are the stability. You are taking care of business; doing what is within your control--Good for you!

BC--F'n hilarious! "but NO-Coca Cola for my baby"-hahahahhahahahah!

OH, LOL...just a reminder on the books that he burned so you can get a good laugh out of it!

SAA

HN/HN

The Passive Aggressive MAn

Self by Dr. Phil

Like I mention on the DV thread, I'm a little nervous today but I really think that is the heighten sense of awareness...

Oh, I'm looking in an IC that my S recommended today...my A said that I needed to get one, so I've been putting it off...figured I'd get it done today!

[color:"red"] THIS is a seriously dangerous man.

HE JUST TOLD YOU HE WOULD HIT YOU ONE DAY WHEN HE FELT LIKE IT !!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" /> [/color]



[color:"red"] Again, seriously dangerous man who exposes himself with these weird remarks.

What? He only hits average-looking women?

ANY man who says he will hit a woman under ~this or that~ circumstance ... keep him out of your life.

What he did NOT say is:

"I would only hit a woman if I had to defend myself." [/color]

((( Rin )))

No, I did not get a laugh out of him burning the books. This scares me...

Pep - thank you for putting the above in red. This is very serious to me.

Rin - I have not completely caught up with your thread. Are you out of the house or is he ?

We love you and are concerned about you...

carnation

I hear you Pep...I don't trust him ans I'll be [email]d@mned[/email] if I go back!

I don't think it matter but just for clarify he said that if he wanted to he would have hit me with the coke bottle, plastic.

It doesn't matter to me...I don't throw things AT him...I didn't punch a wall...I didn't destroy his stuff...I didn't get so mad that I swept everything off the table, breaking glass...I didn't get so mad that I tracked him down or left my job to go bother him at his...

These things are not normal to me...oh, then there was a driving thing at Christmas...somebody was following him to close, according to him, and they passed him WELL, MR. MAN started tailgating this person...

This person pulls over at a convenient store and STBXH pulls in behind him...I was ready to get out of the truck at this point, but he didn't slow down enough...

Like I said, I don't trust him and that's not going to change at this point!

Standing Strong! LOL...and looking over my shoulder!