Hi Strivn! ((((((((((Strivn4Better))))))))))

You asked about "feeling better and then not" and kind of are wondering if you are going through some sort of withdrawal.

Yeah, girlfriend you are...in a way. See, when you were with your abuser, even on days when it was "hearts and flowers" there was adrenalin. The "hearts and flowers" days were exhilarating because he loved you! YAY! The "things okay-ish" days were a little nervous because you begin to wonder if this can last. The "tension building" days were very nervous because you could see him starting to get mad and you were trying REALLY HARD to do the right thing to avoid the explosion. And the "explosion" days were highly adrenalized because you were in fight-or-flight...should you fight with him and/or defend yourself, or run away? So there was LOTS of adrenalin flowing all the time...for years and years.

Now, life is less dramatic. Oh yeah, there are still little daily crises like "I burnt the toast" or "he spilled milk on my school outfit" but you know you won't get HAMMERED for it. Furthermore, since there is less drama and more peace, you can let your guard down a little bit. The result is that for years you have lived on adrenalin and now your body is beginning to think, "Huh. Guess I don't need that anymore" and now you have no adrenalin to run on.

That feels like two things. First, it feels like you are TIRED!!! As if you just can not quite wake up or you can't lift your arms or like you don't have the energy you used to have. Lots of women get REALLY confused by this, but it's just your body adjusting to running on normal life vs. adrenalin-abuse life. If you feel this tiredness, just recognize it and be a little gentle to yourself. Your energy will return once you adjust to normal, serene life...and I'd guess that it will take a couple weeks. Now, since your STBX did the same kind of severe abuse that mine did, I will warn you that for me, it took about one week of feeling sort of sick (just WARN OUT--if I didn't know better, I would have thought I was pregnant--haha!) and then three more weeks of feeling draggy. What happened is that I gained energy back so gradually that one day--three weeks later--I thought, "Holy Smoke! I feel good! I'm happy and peaceful and not tired!" and that was it.

Second, it feels sort of sad, empty or mildly depressed in your feelings. Part of that could be enhanced by PMS hormones (although I do not have bad PMS myself--I just tend to cry over everything), and part of that could be some actual, situational depression. Afterall, what you're going through IS indeed sad! But I bet you'll recognize what I mean when you feel it. It feels a little like, "Hey! Nothing is going on! It's a little boring!" and you feel like you're just walking through life. Nah! That's just your body being used to a good squirt of serious adrenalin every three days and now it's been two weeks and your body is feeling restless (knock-knock...hello...no adrenalin here...it feels boring). <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> When I felt this part, I took the time to ENJOY the boringness...the lack of yelling and screaming...the lack of police cars at my front door...the lack of threats. I took the time to ENJOY the serenity and peace--mellowness and slowness. Life was predictable and a little routine, but that was comforting!! Take a walk in a rose garden and take all the time you want to smell the roses, because no one is rushing you. Go to a coy pond and throw in penny's because no one will yell at you for wasting money. Take a slow hike on a Sunday afternoon. Read the paper with the radio on. Life IS slower because there is no drama.

Finally, yeah, we go through sort of a withdrawal as well. I can remember thinking, "I should call him about XXX..." and "He needs to know about YYY..." and catching myself and thinking, "No, I'm just used to being in touch with him. I need to make the decisions now." It's a habit, hon, being in contact with your abuser and thinking that they have your best interests at heart--but they don't and you can break the habit. It just feels "weird." For about a month, you do have to consciously stop yourself and break the habit.

As always, hope this helps!! If you want you can email me privately too!

Your faithful friend,



CJ

Judging from what FaithfulWifeCJ says, it sounds a lot like what you go through in Plan B. You have a withdrawal period, and then NOTHING happens. All of that tension that you have had for so long now is replaced with quiet. If you are the kind of person who can't sit still, this will irritate you a bit.

You probably aren't used to NOT FEELING something ALL OF THE TIME. You jumped into a freezing cold pool, and you need to acclimate to the new temp.

HI, CJ...

Thanks for explaining that...sounds like you knwo your stuff...

I am having to learn to relax, not an easy task...at home I was always doing something, it was my house...it got to the point where picking a place to eat would get interesting...I wouldn't pick this place or that place becuase I knew it wasn't an option...even if I liked the place...like I love Chinese, STBXH didn't...

I would have to wait until a friend invited me to go, usually STBXH's friend, and all three of us would go...now, F likes Chinese too, so sometimes me and the kids would go while he was at work...

He would give me attitude if I suggested a place that he didn't like...one night, I had an attitude according to him and he said if that was the way I was going to be than I could pull over and let him out...I did, and he walked to the house...I then went to Olive Garden for dinner...I called while I was there and invited him to join me...he did but I had to put up with his attitude...

LOL...I had never done anything like that before...I can laugh about it now...but I did what I was told, why, becuase he kept telling me I had an attitude...

There were sitch were I dished back as much as he gave me...you get so tired of hearing what you are thinking or this is the reason you are doing this or that...you get tired of hearing how horrible a person you are...

I think that you are right, life is more laid back and I AM NOT use to it...

Here's a thoguht...did you ever warn the kids to be quite or stay out of dad's way becuase he was not in a good mood...I did...I'm sure that's common too...

I feel like our whole lives revovled around him and what he was doing, wanted to do...huh, hardly ever needed to do! You know I use to say a few years after we were together that he was so selfish...

ANyway, I got happy when I went back to the mechanic today...he wanted to check something out and OMG, HIS EYES are to die far! You could melt in those eyes! ANd now, that I've given myself permission to look, kinda cute...but the eyes, WOW!

For the most part, car's running great but it still has this problem...I'm going to have to watch it for a while so that I'll have better info for him...like is it doing it when it's been sitting for a while or what...

Oh, F called his dad about his report card, why? In hopes of getting money for his 2 A's, otherwise I really don't think he would have called...Oh, STBXH told the boys that he was goingt o bring them to go get ice cream...must have been last weekend...

Well, they were asking him when he was going to bring them and he said maybe this weekend...I put a stop to that, "No, we have plans Sat."

As far as I'm concerned it's MY weekend...if he wanted to see them he should have called in the week, now he can wait until this week...

The arrangement was one night during the week and every other weekend...I'm not going to twist his hand...it's his job if he wants to be with his kids, not mine to promote or push it...

L tried handing me the phone several times and I told him that I did not want to talk to STBXH...so, L hung up with him...

At bedtime, I had to explain to F, b/c he asked that I will always love their dad b/c he helped make the two of them but I just couldn't be with him anymore...told them how much I loved them and that they amazed me everyday with the things that they do and say...

ESPECIALLY SAY! they get in more trouble for the things they say...namely L!

Well, CJ, everything you said makes senses...I found myself today just not wanting to be bothered today at work...just leave me alone and let me do what I need to do...I was like that yesterday too...

SL- You are so right...WH use to fuss me becuase I couldn't sit down for more than five minutes...THAT was a long time ago...but I was the primary care giver...it's like being a single mom but Med...I bathed the kids, and put them into bed...the whole nine..WH would come home, sit down and barely move until time for bed...

So, no, I'm not use to this!

I'm sure that it will get better...well, I better go...thanks again...

Hey! Some people on this forum know your mechanic and will probably see him this weekend.

He does have nice eyes though. I tell him that often.

Did I just think that or type it. DOH!

I gotta go!

BC- YOU nut! LMAO Well, I now that you enjoy yourself this weekend!

I don't have a whole lot planned for the weekend...the kid's and I will be visiting Cycle World this weekend...they are having a fund raiser for Feed the Children and we have tickets for Sausage poboys...

I know that the boy's are going to love it...motorcycles and 4 wheelers, what more could they ask for!

Oh, I was given some gift certificates to a local restaurant, I can bring the boys and we can get banana splits...I offered the park again but F said NO, but he did want to go to a garage sale...

There's one down the street that he saw some of the neighborhood girls at! Yes, he wanted to go because of the girls...

So, who knows the mischief we will get into!

I also went to a meeting tonight...it was good...when I got home I was telling my S about it an we were talking about my feeling...she asked when I get mad who do I get mad at...I said that it was usually STBXH for the stupid choices that he's made...

SHe asked if I get mad at myself and I really have to think about that question...tongiht at the meeting, we had a IC for addictc come in and she was talking about how people with an addiction brains actually change structure within the pleasure center...

This can go for anything that is an addiction...so I asked some questions after the meeting in regards to Sexual addiction and she said yes, that the people with the addiction will be changed forever...

I mentioned that was the reason that I could apply the program to my M...I was also thinking what if it's possible to be predisposed to an addiction...say that sexual addiction is also genetic...

I mean STBXH's father ran around on his W for 25 years...I know that there's alot of converse over where it's environmental or genetic...I would like to do some research on SA, I really don't think that I understand that...

WE've talked about SA a few times here on the board but I really don't understand being addicted to SF...So, I have that in mind to do!

Oh, my S said that I did a good job with STBXH when he told the kids that maybe he could bring them to go get ice cream this weekend and I said no, it's my weekend! I think that I can be more leant down the line but not right now...if I let him start doing that then he may start abusing it...

Time to stick to my guns...

AHA, one thing I realized yesterday is that ALL of the utlities at the house are in my name! So, I'll keep paying them for now and change them around, like the cable, when I move back in...I could be mean and turn off the home phone like I thought about, only because I don't see a reason for it, but thought better of it b/c I'll be moving back in later...

See I can wrap my internet, home phone, and cell phone all into one bill...I think that may be useful...oh that remind me I need to check on my long distance... that was autopay also...I forgot about that...good thing It's only a dollar or two a month...also in my name!

Well, I'm just yamming on...guess I need to try to go back to sleep...perhaps if I pray really hard this will be the only time that I wake tonight! Funny how my sleep has improved by getting out of my sitch...LOL...had I known I may have left a long time ago! LMAO

Rin,

The difference about SA is that you are mixing up intimate, bonding SF with addiction - and all addictions are based in intimacy AVOIDANCE. Hence, the connection between marital closeness you had with your husband and then within hours or days finding porn on the computer - which is a relationship distancer - porn is about no commitment for the high. Intimacy is scary for the addict.

If you look through the history of your relationship, you'll notice that your STBX seemed to sabotage the marriage, any time the two of you were going through a particularly close bonding time. You were meeting his needs. Yet he downloaded porn, making sure you'd discover it... Do you wonder why?

Addicts struggle when life is good. When love is good. My husband Kasey wrote an essay on the EN board years ago called "Paper Dolls". Well, your husband liked the unemotional involvement he got out of a relationship with paper dolls because it was safe.

I don't know if your husband grew up in an alcoholic home, but when I was in therapy for adult child of alcoholic issues, I read[color:"red"] This Book [/color]You may want to pick it up at a public library and see if it describes your experience with your husband.

Hi, KA, Thanks for sharing the info. No, STBXH didn't grow up with alcohol in the home...

His father was a serial cheater...and his mother stayed in the M for the kids...his dad was also aggressive from what I understand...I've heard very little...but I do know that it was abusive...

His mother claims that the abuse happened behind closed doors but am we all know children KNOW!

It's funny that you mentioned the library, I have been wanting to go and thought about doing that this weekend...however I checked and they don't have that book...

They do have several others on SA...

So, if I understand what you were saying an SA runs from intimacy and here I was trying to have more intimacy with him, thus making him more uncomfortable which could have been the reason why the R was abusive...he way of keeping me at arms lenght...

In my eyes, there was very little imtimacy or SF that was enjoyable to me...I struggle with a lack of connection for years...we were good together in regards to finances and the kids...or anything that was surface stuff...

But at some point, things changed, I would feel like our issues were resolved when we would talk but somewhere in there that stopped too, resulting in more frustration for me...STBXH even admitted the same thing in one of our last talks...

I felt that I was not hear and nothing was resolved when we talked...then, we would do well but if I could get him to open up and say what was really on his mind...I would be SOOO disappointed and had to face reality...

Soon, I started realizing that things were not going to change in our M and the only thing that I could do was save myself and my kids.

HUH, it was a great Illusion of abeing Med...I was telling my S that I go back and forth between never wante to be with him again and maybe in a few years things will have changed and we may end up back together...I believe that it's the grieving process...

Flip flopping between stages...

I will look up the link and look forward to reading it this morning! Thank you for sharing the info and your experience!

Rin,

I have been crazy busy lately. I love my new job but I am usually all over the place during the day.

I noticed that my posts were not making a lot of sense because of being hectic so I lurk and say hi.

The kids are the kids. OS still causing problems but we are getting through. YS is great. LOL see I am hectic wrote OM instead of OS but caught it.

My job is great. Making a lot more money which is affording me the opportunity finally to get out of the financial mess the FWW caused.

Probably 3-4 months' away from having every thing cleared up.

It would probably be sooner but some of the negotiations take time.

I already settled 15k of it down to 6k which was good.

I see you are doing wll with your decesion.

Just remember that after the D you both are still connected by the kids.

You have spent this much time being the bigger person a little while longer won't kill you.

Keep your head up.

Well, you and the Fam sound good too! That's great...

I may have to find out your secret about settling! I may need it in the long run...LOL...actually...if I get the house, which I see happening! I'm going to get it appraied after the D and get a home equity line of credit to take care of the bill thing...

Oh, I called my A...still no papers...the para said that she was going to call the courthouse and then call me back...not sure what's taking them so long...

I still feel good about what I'm doing...no bad feelings are anything...i KNOW I'm doing the right thing...it's just the time that it's taking...it's driving me nuts...

The longer it takes to serve him the longer I have to wait for the final date...

I think when dealing with him, I will be the one taking the higher ground for the rest of my life.

Today in my town, a man jumps off of our bridge killing himself...this bridge is about 1/4 mile before my house...

The police went to the home to notify the immediate family and they found the wife and child shot to death...

Yesterday, there was a lady found dead under an overpass...

Can't wait to find out the details! Boy am I blessed!

Wow. How incredibly sad!!!

Maybe you need to get out of that town altogether! Might be a great chance to start all over again somewhere new. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Why is it taking them so long to get your H served? Two weeks since you moved out -- that's nuts! Has he been at least served with the TRO? And are you jeopardizing the TRO when you meet with him to exchange the kids?

Sorry, didn't mean to hammer you with questions that you probably don't know the answer to ... I jsut don't get it. I'm amazed that the TRO didn't get him out of the house and keep you and the boys there.

Crazy day, hope you and the boys enjoy your weekend!

-AmI.

Judge was on vacation last week, don't know what the hold up this week is...

No, he has not been served with anything to my knowledge, and no, I'm not messing that up...the para said to just have a witness...

I was amazed too! That's what I was told at first, then it changed, I guess b/c judges really don't like to kick people out of their house and I had a place to stay...

Attorney told me it would be this way, it's just so darn sad that it's taking this long! Attorney said that it would be like three weeks to court date...apparently they are backed up right now...I have five weeks to go!


Thanks, we will do our best...it's great to see you around!

Strivn,

Is your court-date in April for your TRO!!! (shock) That is IMPOSSIBLE!!! I thought that was the date for your permanent restraining order!! In my state, if I file for a TRO in the morning, I wait around at court and see the judge that day! Then I give the papers to the sheriff and they serve within a couple days!!

How is someone supposed to survive abuse in your state? Just "hang on for 5 weeks"? (fainting) This does not sound right--sounds fishy to me.

~~CJ

WHen he's served he will be served with the TRO...plus the D papers...all wrapped up into one...when we go to court, I should be granted use of the home...

That's as much as I know right now...they could have done the TRO at the shelter but said since I was filing to get my lawyer to do it then...we did our part but for some reason it's held up at the courthouse...

I've been waiting to go pick up my copy of all the papers from my A...but you can get one immediately (TRO)

HI ALl! I hope that everyone is doing well.

THe kids and I had a great weekend! Yesterday we ran some errands; went to Sam's, K-mart, got our saugage poboys! Came home, played, and today we went to the book store...let teh kids play witht he trains, looked at books, and then were to the library...

Oh, we went get ice cream Sat. We laughed and played...at the book store today we bought UNO and F and I taught L how to play! He beat US! The little something won three out of four games! I won the other one! Beginner's luck, same thing with F when I taught him! LOL

We had a good time! At the library I picked out books on D and read to them...like "It's because of the chocalate pudding!" One of the kids thought it was his fault b/c he gave his lit' bro choc. pudding and they covered the wall as well as each other! They laughed so hard!

I borrowed a few more and we'll read them each night!

OH, we stopped at a garage sale and bought a almost brand new lit' 13 inch TV for our room here! I'm so proud of that little TV.

I did talk to STBXH Friday night, I called to talk to him about bills and he said that he was trying to pay the house note but didn't have the loan number. I said that I didn't have it with me. He said that he was standing outside of a bar and that the next day they would be riding the motorcycles.

So, I told him to call me when he had the opportunity and I would give him the number Sat.

No call! Just like he was suppose to call about the kids and the day he wanted to see them! Oh, well! I can't foster his R with the kids and I refuse to take on his stuff anymore!

I fear that this is the calm before the storm...he doesn't call or anything...like the other day when he was calling me baby and boo...I know that there was someone in the mists...a male friend of our...perhaps a show for him, I don't know and it really doesn't matter...

I want my life and I'm a little shocked that he is giving it to me so easily. hum...that is until he has to move out of the house...he'll blow a gasket, I'm sure...

perhaps all the threats were just a bark and there is no bite...still not going to stop me from looking over my shoulder!

Between here and my recovery program, I feel that I have learned SO much, I have grown leaps and bounds...I have a good sense of what I want out of my next R...

TO follow the MB rules for one with someone who wants the same...POJA, O&H, etc.

I strongly feel that regardless of the separation that I am Med until the final date of D...give me a whole year to pack up my extra baggage, work on me, learn healthy boundaries, love my kids the best that I can, love myself the same way, learn to trust myself...

LOL...which on that topic, that has because much easier and I find that when I make a decision it's easy to stick to it...I felt so wishy washy in the past...I feel good about me and the choices that I've made and the ones that I will make in the future!

LA-I feel whole sweetie! WOW! I know what I want! Long road to travel but I'm well on my way...

Progress not perfection! I've got the progress down pat, and I can do without the perfection...if I needed that I would still be in my M and he wouldn't be doing the things that he is!

I went to a meeting tonight and one of the OP was talking and she said that watching me is proof that there is a God...that there are examples like mine that prove that the program works! I got a warm fuzzy from that one!

Well, I'm going to try to check my email again...something must be wrong with the server...I hardly ever check it since I left home.

One more thing, being in this new environment, I get to see OP alot and how they response to each other...their kids and when I'm out I'm more aware of family doing things with each other. and I think to myself, I want that! I want to go somewhere with my S and the kids and enjoy things as a family. JUST soak up the togehterness, but then at the same time, make time for H and W...

I want to laugh and play together...perhaps a dream but it's mine! For a long time I didn't dream and I've give myself permission again! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks guys, I have alot to be thankful for!

Rin,

Glad you had a great weekend,

I'm so proud of how strong you are. You are doing great.

I didn't have a chance to look up that stuff yet on VA... it was busy at work. I'm off after tomorrow. I'll try to get to it then

Still

HI Still, No problem I definitely understand.. I saw another good one by Patriaia today...I think it was called "THe VA man, Can he change?"

I read half the book before we left the store, it was really good...LOL...but I really didn't need it...I'm surely NOY trying to change him...besides from what I read there little chance he will change...

It was really cool!

LOL...I picked up a book at the library called "Congrads on your D!" LOL

I'm trying to celebrate! LOL...It's just I feel so free, I can go places, I can watch what I want on TV, I can read what I want...I make more time for the boys!

Nobody hassarring me about what I'm wearing, my shoes, whatever, my hair...Heck, if I want to go to the grocery store in my PJs, I can...LOL...I don't think I'm that crazy yet! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Believe it or not, Still, YOu too my friend are doing wonderful...you just have to believe in yourself a little more! "I" believe in YOU!

((((STILL)))) Love you sweetie!

Thanks Rind

Still

Good Morning!

We passed by the house this morning on the way to bring the kids to the sitter's and L asked if his dad could pick him up! So, I dialed the number and let him talk to him.

STBXH will be picking them up today and my S will pick them up tonight! Same thing with this weekend!

Well, i called him back after I dropped the kids off to find out what they had said! STBXH asked me where I was going to pick them up at and I said that I guess I would pick them up at the house.

He said "remember you put a restraining order against me!" I said as far as I know all I have to have is a witness and he said that wasn't the case that this was my game and we were playing by my rules. I just kinda of laughed and said ok!

So, now I know that he's been served! Now, my A was suppose to let me know when he was going to be served!

Oh well! My 365 days has started! Hurray!

Hi, Rin.

Sounds like a fun weekend! Good for you!

I think you should find out the terms of the TRO. I'm not sure your lawyer gave you accurate information... just having a witness, and being wiling to go to the house and be around him kind of undermines your grounds for a restraining order.

Just my thought.
Glad you had so much fun this weekend!

-AmI.