Hi, AmI...I just picked up a copy of the paperwork...it doesn't say one way or the other but I made arrangement for someone else to pick up the kids!

Just to be on the safe side!

I got the paperwork and I'm all nervous again! I KNOW he got pi$$ed about the TRO and the wording...I searching sole custody and LA is a joint custody state!

STBXH's words are ringing in my ears. "This is your game, we're playing by your rules!"

I really have to redirect my thinking...it's a game, like I'm making it all up! he's crazy! He's made his bed and this is what he gets! And of course, it's my fault! (this is my thinking!)

Unbelieviable!

*sigh*.

no, that's malespeak.

Let me attempt to translate for you:

you have gotten his attention now. he has shifted gears, into defensive mode. you have told him, "it's lawyer time now". Prior "game" was "lets try to make marriage work".
New "game" (translation "choice of joint activity between you both") is "divorce". You have chosen the "game", and you have given him a notarized "list of rules". he's gonna start playing that game now. he's going to be going "by the book" now. But the book in question, is now "the louisianna book of legal statutes", not "his needs, her needs".

I think techie is right about this being "male speak" but when you add that to an abuser, you have someone who hates to lose power and you've changed the "game". His rules don't work anymore.

Please be careful.

Techie, Thanks for the "Guy talk"...that makes me feel better...

No HIS rules don't work anymore...at least I've talked to him about it and he still doesn't "get it"!

I'm just dealing with being nervous now...and I'm still trying to get the Authorization number for my IC tomorrow...this has been ten kinds of he!!...

Techie, I really appreciate that...I would have been confused all day with that one...

JT- I will do my best...I need to learn to deal with this nervousness, anxiety feelings that I had when stuff like this occurs...that's what I need to work on...

OMG, OMG, OMG...I have the greatest judge for my case! I'm so excited...all of my worries are right out of the window!

You know even though we're a mother state, STBXH's words ring in my ears, things that he has told me in the past about the kids, the house, etc.

I just feel more comfortable knowing who I have!

GOD IS GOOD and I am SOOOOO Blessed! the first thing I said was THank you God when I found out who I have!

I am in a really good place today! I can and will do this!

I can tell you this STBXH is not going to be looked at kindly for changing the locks and closing our joint account!

Oh, I'm going to hold tight to this warm feeling that I have! Tight, tight, tight! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

That's awsome Rin!

I don't see where STBXH is doing much right, so I'm feeling pretty good for you when you go to court.

Enjoy the good news and thanks for all your support on my thread.

Rin, I still say you are going to be a MB success story! Think of others before you, Believer comes to mind, and ummm I think it's Faithfulwife. D does not mean a lack of success. You are more prepared for your life ahead of you because of MB and your IC. Even if we take MB out of the equation, you are a success!

You have learned a valuable thing about yourself, that you are important, valuable and worthy of love and respect. Remember that, as this D may become a lot to bear. Hold tight, tight, tight, to your victories small and large.

Heck, some days I consider it a victory that I roll out of bed in the morning... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

Wow how did you already find out who your judge is? I don't think I'll know til I walk in the courtroom.

You are doing so good.

Still

{{{{{Rin}}}}}
Thinking of you, praying for you...sending good vibes your way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BC- Thank you and your welcome...that's what friends are for...to help you through your struggles! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

SL- My dear sister...in some ways my mentor... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Thank you for the bottom of my heart... I believe that we gather out tools from these that are stronger than us, we gather our strenght the same way...until we are strong enough! I have you and many others here to thank for that...helping me turn my fears into courage...

I am a survivor, and those you ahve mentioned...life is about living...I am ready...MOF, my S suggested to me that on my Sat. without the kids that I help with Habitant for Humanity...I have dreamed about doing that...and I think that I will...

That is a dream I can make come true...I'm looking forward to incorporating that into my life...I can use my talents to help someone else and feel great about it...stuff like that doesn't feel like work to me!

Still- I looked at the bottom of my paperwork...the judges name that appears on the paperwork from what I understand is the one that I have to appear before in court this April.

ChaCha- GREAT TO SEE YOU! Thank you so much for the vibes! I hope that you and papa are doign well with the kids! You deserve SO much! Keep coming back...I've missed you!

I am extremely happy with my decisions...

OH, OMG...my S went to pick up the kids tonight and she said that STBXH told her that the kids are so well behaved because of me...I told her I can't belive that he said that...he's always said in the past that we have good kids but nothing like that...He said that I was a good mother!

Good to know...LOL...I'll mark it on my calendar to remember in the future! He has a long road ahead of him...I hope that his journey treats him well!

Well, I need to get some rest...I am feeling really tired tonight and tonight I have both the boys in the bed...they take turns....two nights with L, one night all three of us, and two nights with F...that way it's fair to them about who gets tyo sleep on the floor...and they Like sleeping close to mom... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I have to cherish these times while I can! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Good night guys! Sweet dreams to you all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

back from IC and STBXH is narcissistic..this explains it all!

I have wondered from time to time with the things that I have read here and IC said it today..."You're dealing with a narcissistic personality!"

I just kind of laughed a little and said I have wondered!

I have also struggle with what is my fault and what's not...well, it was pointed out to me that the only thing I did was pick him...

Today was a lot to process...

I went to public school in South Louisiana so I don't know what narcassistic means or how to spell it, but I gather it means he's a great big Ahole.

Looks like you're back to fixing your picker though.

Here's an piece of an article from: http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/traits.html#stingy

[For general discussion of cognition, affectivity, interpersonal functioning, and impulse control in personality disorders and NPD. It's also interesting to compare these traits below with characteristics of normal six-year-olds.]



--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
amoral/conscienceless
authoritarian
care only about appearances
contemptuous
critical of others
cruel
disappointing gift-givers
don't recognize own feelings
envious and competitive
feel entitled
flirtatious or seductive
grandiose
hard to have a good time with
hate to live alone
hyper-sensitive to criticism
impulsive
lack sense of humor
naive
passive
pessimistic
religious
secretive
self-contradictory
stingy
strange work habits
unusual eating habits
weird sense of time


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
LOL...yeap, back to fixin my picker! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mulan, if I'm not mistake you are dealing with this! Or have some knowledge!

Talk about feel great to be validated! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(waving at Strivn)

Hi, sistah!! Fellow Narcissist survivor here!! My current DH's exW is a CLASSIC narcissist, but like most, she has never been to counseling to get an official diagnosis. Her case is definitely NPD though, and that's different from being just a personality that is a narcissistic type. (Narcissistic means "self-centered"--and when our Taker looms, we all have a little Narcissus in us.)

FYI--here are some typical signs and symptoms, and the criteria that professionals use to diagnose Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Signs and symptoms

People who have a narcissistic personality style rather than narcissistic personality disorder are generally psychologically healthy, but may at times be arrogant, proud, shrewd, confident, self-centered and determined to be at the top. They do not, however, have an unrealistic image of their skills and worth and are not dependent on praise to sustain a healthy self-esteem.

A person with Narcissistic Personality Disorder may show some of these signs and symptoms:

* Overreacts to criticism, becoming angry or humiliated (ex: you ask, "What would you like for dinner, chicken or beef:" and they say you are humiliating them by criticizing them because they'd rather have beef.)
* Uses others to reach goals (ex: you two own a small business together--you do sales and s/he does installations. It is THEIR company and they use you to get the recognition "they deserves" as a brilliant business person)
* Exaggerates own importance (ex: you two own a small business together and are members of the city chamber of commerce. In their mind, they are a business genius whom others seek out for business advice, and they are an important figure statewide!)
* Entertains unrealistic fantasies about achievements, power, beauty, intelligence or romance (ex: in business travels to install computers, they think that every member of the opposite sex who sees them wants them because they are a success, they're powerful, they're sexy, and they're the perfect flirt and lover. Every person who sees them really thinks, "Hmmmm...I wonder who that is?")
* Has unreasonable expectations of favorable treatment (ex: does not have to follow the rules of picking up after themself, or being polite--because THEY ARE important and you are not.)
* Seeks constant attention and positive reinforcement from others (ex: if you say to the waiter "which one do you recommend?" you are flirting. They demand an apology, hours of graveling, and an immediate reassurance that they have your attention and you are still their puppet.)
* Is easily jealous (ex: see above)
* Has a sense of entitlement (ex: everything in the house that the two of you worked to buy is theirs, your business is theirs, all the money in the bank is theirs, the cars are theirs, and the world owes it to them to provide for them in a manner to which they are accustomed.)
* Is interpersonally exploitative (ex: will use guilt, threats, or any other trick to get what they want and does not think of it again, no matter what they have done to get what they wants.)
* Lacks empathy (ex: threaten to kill your dog to get you to come back home, and has NO IDEA how deeply that scared you or hurt you...and doesn't really care anyway.)
* Displays arrogant, haughty behaviors (ex: see everything above!)


Diagnostic criteria

At least five of the following are necessary for a diagnosis (as with many DSM diagnoses, they must form a pervasive pattern; for example, a person who shows these criteria only in one or two relationships or situations would not properly be diagnosed with NPD):

1. has a grandiose sense of self-importance
2. is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
3. believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people
4. requires excessive admiration
5. strong sense of entitlement
6. takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends
7. lacks empathy
8. is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her
9. arrogant affect.

Your faithful narcissistic surviving friend,


CJ

Hi CJ...Well, it's good to know that I have someone else who has dealt with the same thing...

I'm kinda of lost in a sea of emotions today...it's kinds of hard to come to terms with the only thing I did wrong was pick him...here I am for months trying to own MY part of the failure in the M and I really don't know what to think...

Today, I have gotten mad, at him, at myself, I've cried...I feel a little frustrated...confused...it's like it's hitting me all at once...and i have to stay strong for me kids...

I want so badly to see his demise...to see him crumble for all of the [email]cr@p[/email] that he has put me through...I got to thinking that the boys can fall into this same behavior...and how do I deal with that...what can I do to prevent that with him...

It was recommended to me that in IC with this type of PD that I try my best for sole custody...to not include grandparent right's because he can use that to manipulate me in the future...in IC honest opinion...she feels that the kids would do well with every other weekend...

Just from my thinking I see 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7...He has most definitly used me to get what he wants...and the most profound thing that was said today was pretty much he never really cared about me or basically doesn't care about me now or the kids for that matter...

What an OUCH...good reason why he doesn't call...also explains why he thinks that everything in the house including the house is his, huh? Why he would rather burn it than let me and the kids have it?

Guess how much all of this hurts...I was feeling really good and I'm dealing with all of this hurt now...like the past 13yrs. has all been a lie...

I know that I can't change it but I guess it does have to be grieved...I'm not reeling in the past, hopeful about the future...

I feel drained today! Like I have no energy...emotional exhausted...

Oh and the IC doesn't think very highly of my A either!

I don't know...thinking kinda hurts today!

Rind,

My IC also thinks my WH is narcisitstic (sp) she was our MC also. She also thinks he has a borderline personality disorder.

So I think I'm right there with you and CJ. I'll go to the link and look some more.

Still

Gals,

I'll tell you something that I don't normally broadcast around. When I left my exH I pretty much lost everything. I mean EVERY THING. I determined in my heart that the price of my freedom from that kind of repeated abuse was worth having nothing, and so I let most of it go. I also determined that the hill I would die on was my kids. He WAS going to support them despite his protests, and he was NOT going to have full custody.

The "possessions" I lost?? I lost the equity in my 4000sq.ft. house (about $100k equity total--he sold it to a "we buy ugly houses" group to hurt me). I lost our whole business that I worked 10 years to build--once again, he let it close to hurt me. I lost Bronco season tickets worth probably $12k/yr. I lost $50k inheritance--cash that he spent on OW plural. I lost a LOT!!! I got some furniture and my own job and my own bank account, and GOT THE HECK OUTTA DODGE! To this day I don't regret it because now literally every little thing that I own is mine and he can't touch it...he has NO CLAIM! Second, I have the satisfaction of knowing that I made it without him and I may not have a 4000sq.ft. house now, but what I have, I EARNED the hard way! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Regarding the kids--Strivn you may want to suggest something like what I agreed to. Was your STBX one of those fathers that didn't really spend a lot of time or invest much emotionally with his kids? My exH was gone most of the time--traveling or "at work"--and when he was home, he was on the PC or grouchy and not really emotionally available. Thus, I suggested joint custody/joint decision-making on paper, and said, "The kids are 10yo and 13yo now. Let's let them HOME BASE with me (that is, have a bedroom at my house--keep their stuff with me) and have a guest room at your house. Anything they want to bring over, they can just grab and bring it for the night. Any time they want to come over, they can just call you and work it out with you. And any time you want them to come over, you can call them too." Then we agreed that one night a week (Wednesday I think) he had 'em over for supper and to watch TV.

To him, this was a GREAT deal because they didn't bite into his love life or going out on weekends--but he could still "fake" being involved by seeing them once-in-a-while. What ended up really happening is that they didn't want to go over very often (he never spent time with them) and he didn't want them over very often (because he was busy with other people and work). To track it, they were with me about 305 days per year, and with him MAYBE 60 days--MAYBE.

Soooo...it's just a suggestion that sort of worked with my exH. Maybe you can use it!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Rinder,
Don't think I've ever posted to you. Haven't been around much recently. Sometimes the boards are depressing.

I tried to keep up w/your sitch and was sorry to see that you are divorcing.

I also think my STBXH is narcissistic, sadistic, unrealistic, etc. His traits are:


amoral/conscienceless
authoritarian
care only about appearances
contemptuous
critical of others
cruel
feel entitled
flirtatious or seductive
grandiose
hate to live alone
hyper-sensitive to criticism
impulsive
pessimistic
secretive
self-contradictory
stingy
strange work habits
unusual eating habits

I'll be following your story b/c I really need to see some success stories. I love reading Believer's posts. I am in awe of her and others who have moved on and are living happy fulfilling lives. Hope to see yours here soon.

God Bless.

Thanks for chiming in Life...good to have you on my thread! I am sorry that you are dealing with one too!

Today at the sitter I found out that he is back talking to OW2...THat added more hurt to the day...

All these years I have felt that I was a dool on the shelfe for him ...those emotions were true...I was just an object to him...

CJ- I am still happy with my decision...it's a shame that you had to lose everything to get your life...

I am more determined to get every penny that belongs to me...I will have the kids and the house...I can afford to pay the note myself, along with the utilites...

God works in mysterious ways because my car will be paid off soon...by OCt. I think...Good for me huh?

It's just one of those knock you on your @ss kinda days...don't you worry... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I'll pick myself up...

I am really moving in the direction of just plain hating him...I'm very angry today and that good...better to deal with it now that later!

Like you said CJ...I JUST want to move on...this next year will not go by fast enough for me...

When the kids and I got home, they asked to play outside...I was so grateful...I had been crying off and on during the afternoon...well, I started talking to my S and my chin started to quiver and that was it...I was a nervous wreck standing in the middle of the kitchen...

I AM very determined to come out of this thing on top...I mean better off in the future...I WILL NOT stand to continuiously be kicked...


YOU GOT it...that's why the kids are not having a hard time adjusting to being away from home...home is where I am...I have dragged them around on my coat tail 24/7...nothing new now...

Personally I don't see him wanting to spend time with them...sure he tells everyone that they mean the world to him but they are all going to see real soon what he's all about...with no help from me...

Still- I recommend that you learn all that you can! It's the munipulationa dn control that you have to guard against!

OH, GReat news...I only woke up once last night! HURRAY!

I'm looking forward to going to this retreat this weekend! It's here in town but will be like a mini vacation for me...no kids...it'll be different!

Tonight the kids and I laid in bed watching "The Fast and the Furious"...I love that movie! F was laying behind me and gave me a wet willy! Both of them were in rare form tonight!

L is starting not to listen so well. I'm going to have to do something with him...talking is not helping right now...So, I actually trying talking to him differently tonight...last ditch effort before I resort to something like...dum, dum, dum...the knees! LOL

Well, you ladies take care and feel free to post here about our "interesting" STBXH's...CJ can be the foreman...helping keep us in line...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey S4B,

I just posted a new song (Breaking Away) on my music thread that I thought was applicable to you, and probably everyone else as well.

You are doing great, getting stronger, working on yourself, finding yourself. Live life for you and for your kids. Continue to help others along here.

You are a success!