I expected it from all the threats that he has made. No big deal...

We're so busy today! besides I'm still refreshed from the weekend...I'm not worring, it's in God's hands!

Thank you all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin,

It is just legal manuevering. Start out asking for everything so it looks like you are negotiating.

Make sure to document that you are willing to let him see the kids etc.

You will be ok.

It is nothing the courts haven't seen a million times. Child custody, support etc are pretty cookie cutter. Usually in favor of the mom when kids are involved.

Good luck you sound great.

Rin,

Glad you had a refreshing weekend to get you ready for the next stuff.

I agree with others, it's legal wrangling.

What did your attorney say about this when you originally moved out? I really wish they could have forced HIM to move out with the TRO. But since you're the one who moved out, and you haven't claimed that he's a danger to the kids (just to you), what's the chance that he'll get to keep use of the house and get to have the kids there? At least temporarily?

Make those lawyers work for you!!

You sound like you're doing great.

-AmI.

Well, Louisiana is primarily a mother state, there's little chance that he will get the house or the kids...

I have it documented where he has missed L's graduation, not called to see them, he's never helped with F's homework, put them to bed seldom...

I really am not concerned...I was the one to establish daycare...rarely did he pick them up, rarely has he taken them anywhere's...

I could go on...it's just not in his favor! If I have to I will include the fact that he broke a paddle on F once, and the statement that he made about not raising any F'ing panties when we discussed F dropping out of Taeknowdo...

I was told that I would end up with use of the home and custody...

Good but make sure you also document your willingness to let him see the kids.

I know you are letting him see them and he is missing some. Make sure he cannot say you didn't let him see them.

I think you are right too you are fine in court. They like to leave things status quo as much as possible.

He will look like the father who was fine leaving for a harley ride while he didn't have to pay child support for it but now that it will cost child support he will spend every weekend wiht them. LOL.

thanks Frog, I will do that...I wonder if I should get some people to write up a little statment about how I am with the boys...

Also, STBXH told my S the last Monday that I was a good mother and that the boy's behavior is a result of me and not him...wondering if I should get that in writing...

I'm just trying to think of anything that would help my case...like if the sitter wrote up something...

I guess that would be a question for Mr. W, or some other legal person...

I won't lie, I am a little nervous...

S4B,

Usually it is dependent on the state you live in. Each state has slightly different rules.

I really think your H is digging himself a little hole but I am no legal expert.

I was a great father to my boys but I worked more, I was away more, the FWW took the kids to school, the doctor, the dentist etc. I mostly made the money and played with them when I got home and on the weekends. I wasn't a bad father I was actually a great father. But I needed to work for us to get by. I really want to stress that even my FWW would say I was a great father.

But before she made some mistakes I was looking at about 30% custody maybe a little higher. I spent every weekend at home with them and every night too. But because my FWW was the primary care giver that is all I could get.

Now the only way for me to get more was for her to start making mistakes. The FWW was an alcholic ok that helped me but not as much as you would think I could get 40%-50% custody for that as long as she went to AA.

Well you get the point. From your pre D arangement you did most of the stuff. The lawyer I talked to said don't try to say in the future you will......because they will say well you should have done it before.

Usually when a man sees the CS payments they freak out a little then want more custody. If the court gets a whiff of that then they get a little upset. LOL.

You will do fine. Stay strong. Do what is right an you will be ok.

Yes, pre-D I did almost everything with the boys...if I asked STBXH he would act like it was a burden for him to do...

So, I will relax...do my best! Thanks for the comfort Frog...I can count on you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

S4B,

Wanted to tell you, your doing so wonderfully!!! Look your bringing a new civility culture shift to your family. Definately, an ordeal but it gives your children hope &stable ground.

Good morning...I talk with my Mom and SD last night. told them what STBXH was doing and they said that they would back me up 100 %...that they would allow anyone to go without food or a place to stay...

If this turns into a fight then they have my back...

Also, whenI picked up the boys from the sitter, the sitter told me that her daughter saw STBXH this weekend and asked where I was and STBXH said that he got rid of that problem...

This was the same thing that he told me with he said that he called OW and told her not to C him anymore...we know how that turned out...that was last Aug or Sept.

Sky- thank you for the compliment, I really could use the added support right now!

Rinder... I check your sitch often. You are doing well and are an amazing woman.

MEDC

Thanks MEDC...I really appreciate your kind words...

I have tried so hard to give this over to God, but I've been nervous about the whole thing since I left home...

I'm trying to sit back and relax, bucasue outside of getting all of my notes together, there's not much I can do about it...

I got to Sept. last nigth...went to sleep about 12 but was up an hour or so later...same thing throughout the night...

I go to IC today at 4...I'm not looking forward to that either but that's just because it's the idea of going to an IC...at least I don't have to come back to work after...just pick up the kids...

Speaking of it's kid food night, we're having peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and mac n chesse! What more could a kic ask for?

Oh, L helps me wash dishes last night, I got the cutest pic and sent it to my mom...my SD and Mom even talked to him on the phone last night...

I could hear my SD telling him to be good for mom and be a big boy...L told them not to let the bed bugs bite! I laughed so hard and I could hear them laughing too!

My mom told me to be careful because STBXH is going to attack my weak spot...the kids...

What more can I say about it, I knew this was coming...one of the reasons why I stayed so long...I was scared of losing my kids...******, everything...

Strivn,

Hey girl! How ya doin'? (((((Strivn)))))

When it comes to the kids and custody, that is a hard one to leave in God's hands, isn't it? It's so easy to WORRY!! However, I think there's blindly leaving it "up to God" and then there's wisely preparing, sweetie--and what you're doing is wisely preparing. Although I know it is REALLY hard on your soul to review the past year and document it all out, I believe it is a necessary thing for your court appearance. Having documentation in the form of a notebook, journal, or daily diary (calendar) is admissible as evidence, whereas "Your honor, I don't remember that!" is not. Furthermore, you can document both the abusive behavior and the times YOU were with the kids and the times HE was with the kids.

Here is my advice for you for today. Pretty much from this point forward your STBX's responses will be either "legal boilerplate" (for example, he HAS to ask for sole custody and use of the house, or he will look like a dad who doesn't care--and if he intends to claim he's not abusive, he has to look innocent) -OR- his responses will be to expressly get a reaction from you. From this point forward, it is VERY important for you to write this on your hand:

"Did he say that just to get me to react?"

(I'm not kidding...write that on your hand) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> Furthermore, practice this at least twenty times a day: "That may be your point of view, and you are allowed to have your own opinions, BUT MINE DIFFER GREATLY!"

Here are some examples of what my exH did, and since our exes are similar, you can possibly learn from me. In our first court appearance, my exH said that I had purposely run our business into the ground and made it go bankrupt. My reaction at the time was to freak out because HE was the one who had left/disappeared for 6 months, leaving me to try to run it all by myself while he carried on a fling with his mistress! I reacted with anger and yelled in court, the judge told me to settle down, and then exH said, "See your honor--she is unstable. She's the abusive one, not me!"

This is just one example, Strivn. So from this point forward, EVERYTHING he says or does, just ask yourself:

"Did he say that just to get me to react?"

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Remember one thing God helps those who help themselves.

So be prepared. Don't worry about his words as you should no by now they are meaningless. LOL.

You were the primary care giver and that means a lot.

Any attempt on his part to slander you works against him.

So Rin was a horrible mom Mr. Rin? Yes she was. And you had no problem her being the primary care giver? Doh! doesn't work well for him remember.

HI Guys, I'm sorry I was talking about handing over the worry to God...

LOL...you know that I'm going to prepare all that I can...

CJ, you are very right...having to go back through all the notes and remembering the pain is the hard part...

Thanks for the notes...I will start praticing now on not to react...I get that, I'm counting on him to react and I know that he's counting on me to react...

I've got a lot of detachment to practice...perhap indifference would be better...

I've been so busy, I haven't ready had time to post...I went to a meeting at lunch, they always help put things back into perspective...

I wish I had more time to write...I have to leave for IC in a little bit...CJ, I really like the thought of STBXH claiming innocent and why he's asking for custody...

Well, I'm try to get on later! Have a great day and thanks to both of you!

Rin, you amazing woman, you are doing great!

I have to take some time over the next couple of weeks and begin documenting my own timeline, so I can understand how this can trigger you over and over. Remember, self care. Stop, sit in the sun (vitaminD), have a little drink, relax, SMILE (it really will help)...BREATHE.


Listen to CJ about the documenting, so when you are in court, you don't get frazzled, you will be able to show strength and restraint. You are going to be just fine.

Good Morning...I hope that everyone is doing well this morning! I think I had a pretty good session yesterday...I really got angry at STBXH and then it turned to me...

I'm mad at him for doing the things that he's done and angry with myself for having allowed it...IC said that it was like brainwashing...she also repeated that he was narcassist(?) and took her book down and read the description...we talked about that and she explained that no matter what I had done it wouldn't have made a difference...

It explains so much like why I would get upset and it wouldn't bother him at all...I mean I could be balling my eyes out and he would just get angry...why he couldn't comfort me at my grandfather's funeral...why he could lie to me with a sincere voice...

I use to think that I knew when he was lieing to me but I didn't...

Anyway, right before I went into IC, I checked my cell and had a call from the school...F's teacher, he's been avoiding English, having outbursts, been withdraw...she spoke highly of him...said that he knows what he's doing...he always knows the answer and gets mad when she doesn't call on him...he voluntaries for things all the time...but it was just in English...

He didn't complete his homework last week either...I tried to get him to tlak to me but it appears that nothing is bothering him...outside of still being angry with his dad...now three of his friends did move and there's a new kid...we're moved...

I talked to IC about it...she said no matter if it's a good change or a bad change still give him six months to adjust to the D...we talked about their bedtime, consequences for their behavior, etc...

I'm going to call the school counselor this morning sometime and talk with her to see how he's doing...I would also like to talk to her about getting him tested for a few things...F's still writing his 5, 9, b, and d backwards...he's almost nine...I don't see how that's right for his age...granted last year's teacher didn't work on handwriting...and his spelling is the worst...

Frog- I hear you! MOF, CJ, I woke up in the middle of the night and went sit on the patio...my favorite place...well, I saw how clearly you ARE right about him looking innocent...all part of the game...

I was working on documenting last night and I fell asleep while reading...I got up, was headed to bed when my Spon. stopped me and we ended up talking for another thirty minutes...

IC and I also talked about how I give STBXH trust when there was no trust to begin with...it really is a matter of me being naive...of course, I said stupid yesterday...

I didn't mention this yesterday because it just occured to me but I feel very used...now do I still remember the good times...YES...

SL- Yes, I am feeling those triggers...I was telling my IC that reading over this stuff is like a weight on my chest and she was asking why but I guess I went off on a tanget about how feelings don't change and she said that they do...they do change over time...

I like her much better than I did the other day...she said that I was doing really good and I was headed in the right direction...I'm hearing that alot so I guess I AM doing well...I mean all of you tell me that too...

Come to think about it, My Spon. said last night that she was really proud of me getting up in front of the group, 65 people, because it just showed how much I've changed and grown in the past six months alone...

I mean here I was no real friends to speak of until I started going to Al-anon...I really had trouble being around strangers...thought they were judging me...to standing in front of a room full of people...yeah, I can say that there IS a big change...

Lots of changes come to think about it...but it's happened over the past few years...I think the hardest part of reading over the past year is reading how I would complain about the way I was treated and then, I was happy, then, I would complain, and then I was happy...

It's the whole crumb thing that Frog kept talking to me about...I would get just enough to shut me up until next time, whatever next time was about...

Well, all I have to do is finish going through the past year and making these notes and I'll have everything done for the lawyer...I've got some other paperwork that I've gathered like income tax statements...I wonder if they need bank statements? I'll have to call...I need to call anyway...

Thank YOU ALL for the SUPPORT, even you guys who just read...have a good day! And thanks for all of the compliments, they MEAN SOOO MUCH TO ME!

How's f's reading skills. He almost sounds dislexic. I have no knowledge of the subject, but from what you described it strikes me as odd too.

Good Morning! He reads great, that's what I don't understand!

I figured I'll get him tested and then I can put that out of my mind once and for all!

Thanks for asking! I guess I could do a little research too, find out more information before asking for the testing!

Well,

I did grow up watching the Cosby Show and there was an episode when Theo first started college and they discovered he had it. So I guess I do have some expertise on the subject, but not enough to diagnose.

So yeah, maybe you should do it your way and just write me off as being a COUILLON! because I are one

Can I be funny again? I'm tired of being sad