Did you grow up in the south? LMAO

Just wondering if that's the reason you're nuts like me! LMAO <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Good googley moogley, I HAVE missed a lot. It's hard to keep up right now, Rin, so forgive me for showing up late.

Love, hmmmmmm, what is love? hmmmmm

Love is knowing just when someone needs a lot-a-love and giving it without a second thought. Love is doing those things that you do great, that you KNOW your love doesn't like (like filling up the gas tanks in the cars or cleaning the gutters, or clipping the dogs' nails...)

You riot!

Actually, I grew up mostly at my parents/friend's houses. Waaay up North!

Heck, where I come from, South is North. We just know how to have spin sun spun fun! Keeps us warm! Southern Comfort is a top seller brand to one's survival, along with great music! NickelBack has produced sum great music from our parts...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

HI, Oh, SL...I am grieving so bad...andyour defintiion helped the tiniest bit...

SKy-I'm sorry I couldn't even laugh...

My Spon. sent me to my meeting tonight b/c she's going out of town this Sat.

WEll, Five minutes before the meeting my cell phone rings...ID says STBX...it was GN asking to see if the kids could come to her Stepson's party this weekend...I said well, It is STBX's weekend but I haven't heard from him...

She said she didn't call on her phone because she didn't know if I would answer her call...I told her I would have and asked if STBX was there...

I talked to him...told him about F and getting him tested...and getting his eyes checked he said that was good...he asked if the test was goign to cost anything...said if I needed any money to let him know...

He said that he didn't know that he could call and didn't want to get into trouble...I "reminded" him that I told him he could call about Finances and the kids...that was not harrassment...once again he said that he didn't know...

I said we hada verbal agreement and I haven't heard from you...if was suppose to be one night a week and every other weekend...I told him that I was glad that GN called...

I was good for a few minutes...trhen, I couldn't concentrate in the meeting...I just started feeling sadder and sadder...he was being so nice on the phone...sweet tone to him voice...LIKE MY REAL H...

Well, when I got home I told the boys that I HAD talked to their dad and that they would be seeing him tomorrow...

Well, L started yeling that he wanted to talk to his dad, so I dialed the number...L started talking and then F...so I put it on speaker phone so they could both talk to him...

They will be spending the night at GN's tomorrow and then going to her stepson'd skating party Sat.

L wanted to talk to her so STBX put her on the phone, and then he wanted to talk to GN's H, so he was put on the phone...then, STBX was back...

F didn't talk to much, he were to the bathroom and started running their bath water...well I ended up with the phone and STBX and I confirmed tomorrow's plans...I'm going to drop them off at GN's tomorrow after work...

I hung up and threw my head into the pillow, just hearing that nice voice and having to remember that he's not my DH...the charm...I really feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body and is being chewed on...

Or pecked at by vultures...

I prayed so many times on the way home asking GOd to please heal this wound...

Regardless of how much I love DH...it's unsafe to be with WH...I have to remember that...the surface is not what the under current is like..the under current will drag me down and drown me...

Nevertheless it hurts so bad...

I don't have any plans for the weekend, at least not yet...I was hoping that I didn't hear from him, that I would have the boys with me...

Now, I have to find something to keep myself busy b/c right now, Habitat is not working on the weekend...

I was feeling a little down last night but I pulled up Sky's thread and started listening to some music...I picked the last page well, that was toomushy for me, so I went to the first few pages and that helped...

I got a call for a friend and that really helped to stop the committee in my head from thinking to hard...it's good to share when your down...

Actually, I'm starting to feel a little better posting here...I just keeping thinking in my head...things might change and one day you may reM him...

It's that hoping again...wishful thinking that I have and what allowed myself to stick around and take the crumbs for so long...

I will not do crumbs again and no matter how bad I hurt right now, I know that I can not allow myself to go back to that...b/c what if next time he does put his hands on me then what...I will be a volunteer and I have come to darn far to do some stpid stuff like that...

SOmetimes I just think it would be SOO much easier to go back...but it's not easier...it's just comfortable...it's what I'm use to...

I'm trying so hard to keep myself in check, being aware of when I'm vulnerable, not substituting other things, or people to deal with the pain...

I don't know what else to do but have self-displince and allow time to take it's course...

I know this: I want to be fair to the next person that I decide that I want to get close to and have a relationship with...and I have got to work through this stuff before that can happen...

Not like I can have NC with STBX for life...I'm so good when I don't talk to him...and then I hear his voice...

I know exactly what I need to do tonight, I need to get back to my documentation...I'm almost in Oct. and on the 2nd he had his little bonfire that will help...or reread my journals...that will remind me that the voice I hear is NOT innocent...

Well, thanks for letting me talk it out...I feel much better than I did...still hurting but not nearly as horrible as it was...just a knife right now...okay, seraided (?) one...

I'll check back in later...think I'm going to step outside for some fresh air...my favorite place to be...all the stars and stuff...

Oh, Rin, I'm so sorry, honey! I know what we wish and what is real do not always conincide, right?

There are things that you can love about almost ANYBODY, but abuse is not loveable, not in the least. You are lonely, this will pass. You have so many friends who so love you, Rin. Not to mention us MB friends. Plan B affords me, usually, not having to hear WH's voice, but tonight DS learned how to use the speakerphone. POW, BANG, straight to the heart.

Rin, you ARE doing the right thing, but that doesn't mean that it is EASY! None of this is easy.

I remember, many years ago, weekend of july 4th, I travelled with my mom and step-dad and H to New Orleans, and we stayed at the Chimes, Bed and Breakfast. I remember sitting in the courtyard, bitten by all sorts of vermin, bu so in awe of the smell and sound and beauty of the sky. ENJOY, Rin. Enjoy....

THanks SL, I feel better and am really tired...I'm headed to bed!

Hope you have a lovily night!

Sorry you had to deal with talking to your WH.

I was good for a few minutes...trhen, I couldn't concentrate in the meeting...I just started feeling sadder and sadder...he was being so nice on the phone...sweet tone to him voice...LIKE MY REAL H...

When I read this I thought of course he is being nice and having a sweet tone...GN and her H were...he wants OP to think he is a victim...I don't know why Rin thinks I'm so bad you heard me on the phone...i'm not a bad guy.

I know its hard when you hear the sweetness...but he is still the man that has abused you the on that would get you hopes up just to let you down later...(((((RIN))))) lots of hugs coming your way.

You right Marflow and that's why I have to keep my thinking straight...I know better but it doesn't hurt any less...

I did get back to my documenting last night and I was at the point where he was talking to the new OW and a few days later burned my books...

I know that I will heal...it just takes time...MOF, I was thinking about his conversation last night and he was telling L that he was at a seafood restuarant but he was actually at the GN (I need to change that to HN2)...in addition to hanging out with them, he's hanging out with a drunk...

There's a certain amount of this stuff that I have to let go, as long as the kids are good...

As far as HN2, I wanted to throw up when she was talking to L..."Oh, baby, I'm going to teach you how to skate...No, baby this...yeah, baby you're going to sleep at my house."

In a way, I wish STBX could afford to buy me out of my half...then, I could go and buy me another house and not have to contin with these back stabbers...HN1 or HN2...but of course, they can stay across the street and I can stay on my side and I'll be fine...

I'll just have to deal with the kids wanting to go play over there on the weekends and stuff...I still wish they would wake up and smell the coffee...I figure given enough time, STBX will hang himself...

Yes, STBX is great at making himself out to be the victim...he learned that very well from his dad...who has been playing the victim since his D from STBX's mom...that's probably 12 years now...

Question is: "How do I deal with it?" It's not something that will just go away...at least I have my program to help me...

Sometimes I wonder if he went to IC and really changed would I take him back and then I think no there's too much water under the bridge...it REALLY a MAJOR TRUST issue...how could I feel safe with him again? Safe to talk, safe to be myself, safe to grow, just safe...

I mean physically he'll protect me from OP, but he would or can't protect me from him...so what's the point?

It's like playing baseball right now, I just have to keep my eye on the ball...not worry about who's running from first to second and just hit that homerun...because this is MY game...MY life and the only way I'm going to score is concentrating on my efforts...

Perhaps one day he'll get it, but I have to stay focused and not live in that anymore...that's way I've allowed myself to be in that sitch for so long...hoping that he would change...I remember thinking that as he got older he would calm down...well, it started getting worse as he started losing control, as I started to grow and stepping out of the box...

As much as I want my M, it's just not in the plan that was wrote for me...I know that there was a reason for me being with him...I have to wonderful children, a complete joy in my life, and I've learned some pretty important lessons...

I will NOT GET stuck in this...

I'm trying to figure out what I'm going to do this weekend...I had to have something nice to wear to court...so, i've thought about going shopping for that and I thought about taking in a movie...been a long time since I've seen something that "I" want to see...LOL...either kid movies or what STBX wanted...

It's to try hard to stay busy...I figure I might sleep in...I really don't know...I'll check the community calendar to see if there's anything going on in town...

Thanks for the hugs...I really appreciate that...I would love to have my head in someone lap, just being there, having someone play with my hair...if I fell asleep, I fell asleep...

Well, I've got some important stuff that just came in that I have to deal with...so I'll be around sometime today...I'm leaving early to pick up the boys and bring F to his eye doctor's appt. but I should be back this afternoon too!

Have a great day, I'm having a MUCH BETTER one than I had last night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh, I failed to mention that STBX said that the weekend that he had the boys...L woke up in the middle of the night calling for his dad...STBX said that he was having nightmares...

I said that I know that he's been dreaming but he's not waking up in the middle of the night with me and he's sleeping right next to me...

Afterward I thought, well, you had him in an unfamiliar place, I guess the child would wake up calling for you! They were staying in the camper! I also mentioned to WH that the kids don't ask for him...OUCH, huh? At least in my book that would be a painful...

Anyway, STBX said that he just rubbed L's back and told him that he was right there and that solved the problem...L went right back to sleep...

SO, let's recap...first weekend that he had the kids the in-laws were down and they spend almost the entire weekend at HN2's house and didn't get a bath.

Weekend #2- They spent the weekend in a camper with OP they didn't know so that WH could go to the State Hog Rally that we were suppose to attend together...

And this weekend, they are spending tonight at the HN2's house...

What do you think so far? No structure...no consistence...oh, they have also been eating fast food all the time when with him...

Other than that, they have spent two other days with him, from 6 pm to 8pm...most of that time was spent at the HNs, both...

Capable of caring for his kids on his own...IMVHO, NO!

Well, i talked to my IC...I have been thinking about it not entirely too much this week...but some...

I had left a message...I explained to her that I didn't think that I was SA but the main reason that I had to cancel my appt. was today after I figured out my bills, I have barely enough money to put gas in my car for the week...

So, that means to shopping for new outfit for court, no movie...I had extra daycare cost this week and had to get medicine for the poison sumac that I have on my hands! Still don't know how I got it...I didn't play in the tall grass this weekend but the kids did and they were loving on me...

It's getting better...now, had it been poison ivy that would have required a Dr. appt for a shot...I'm SO allergy to that and wasp...alone thing I can thing of is that they carried it on their clothes and I touched them...

Anyway, IC started that I was a good candidate for counseling, that she was not saying that I had SA just wanted ME to consider it...I said I did and explained why I thought that way...I also mentioned that I would like toso back to IC in the future b/c I realize a few issues that I would like to work on...

All in all, I believe it was a good conversation, she did say that she thought I had vomited up to much info in one day...I mean I did cover 32 years worth of [email]cr@p...so[/email] let that be a lesson to someone...don't go to IC and cover your whole life in an hour...

OH, She also said that I had done alot of good work on my own...so thanks everyone...you all had a hand in that one...I owe alot to MB for my improvements...the unconditional love that I have recieved here and the words of wisdom combined with my courage to change and step outside of my comfort zone...

It was really scary at times but I believe that the worst is over...

I'm PROUD of MYSELF and that's what matters!

Have a great day everyone! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thanks LA! Just for being you!

SB,

Good Job. Pat on back for you!!!!!!

It is funny my son is in IC and we love the guy. So we got lucky in that regard.

Costs way to much but he is worth it.

When I went to IC he made me throw up 38 years worth of stuff. LOL. Had to know where I had been to know where to go I guess.

Remember it is a roller coaster. The ups and downs can be cuased by a lot of things. Some just a song or a tv show.

Sometimes it isn't about doing what you want, or what feels good it is about doing what is right.

When you know what you are doing is right then at least you can see the reasons for the pain and the hurt you are going through.

I would think it is alot like removing a growht that won't kill you and it doesn't necessarily always hurt. You go through surgery then it does hurt for a while then when it heals it never hurts again.

Good luck.

Strivn,

A couple of things. Years ago, when you and STBX were young and stupid, you fell in love with him. The fact of the matter is, he is charming! But the charm is what he does to cover his abuse. I know that you know this, but I wanted to tell you OUT LOUD. You KNOW that he is charming and he has that voice to sound all innocent...but you also know that he is abusive mentally, emotionally, verbally and in some ways physically. What you miss is not so much "him" as the illusion you thought you had with that charming man with "the voice." THAT is what you really miss...the illusion.

Second, I'm going to create a thread for you--the "Things for Strivn to do this weekend at home for free" thread! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> I will start things off, and hopefully by the end of the day, you will have a long list of fun things to do at home for free!!

Third, when the boys go to be with STBX, it is like a camping trip for them. They don't know where they'll sleep or what they'll eat, but you can bet there will be McD's involved and for kids that's always fun. So even though it is indeed inconsistent and unstructured, to them it is a camping trip. Just remember their point of view, okay?

If you want to talk, email me at the addy in my signature, and I'll email you my phone number. I'm at your service, 24/7 as one chick who understands.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

Thank you CJ...I emailed you...I'm going look for the thread now...I have ONE idea! LOL

Frog-Thanks, you know how wonderful you are I SURE don't have to tell you!

Well, F's eye have changed a little so that's a new pair of glasses...they'll be in soon and when I got there I thought about it...

Hey, Rin...Why don't you have L's eye checked while you're here! So I did, no problem with him but he STILL wanted glasses! GOt mad too! Wanting to be EXACTLY like his big bro!

They're both here at work with me...I'm closing up shop today! Then, I'm dropping the kids off at HN2's house!

(((Strivn)))

You need a big, big hugg! When the blues flare up, they appear anytime outta nowhere. I sure can relate to being so young& in LOVE!

Geezzz, I recall thinking I knew it all at 20. NOT. LOL...

Here's an old tissue song. Reduced me to tears, many times, throughout the years& still does. I was going to post this up on the song thread.

My deepest regrets for actually consenting to get married &havin kids with the wrong person (in-capable) that dragged us down. My exh never learns from his mistakes, doesn't want too& never will.


Judy Collins/

Someday Soon (Song by Ian Tyson)




Ian Tyson

There's a young man that I know whose age is twenty-one
Comes from down in southern Colorado
Just out of the service, he's lookin' for his fun
Someday soon, goin' with him someday soon

My parents can not stand him 'cause he rides the rodeo
My father says that he will leave me cryin'
I would follow him right down the roughest road I know
Someday soon, goin' with him someday soon

But when he comes to call, my pa ain't got a good word to say
Guess it's 'cause he's just as wild in his younger days

So blow, you old Blue Northern, blow my love to me
He's ridin' in tonight from California
He loves his damned old rodeo as much as he loves me
Someday soon, goin' with him someday soon

When he comes to call, my pa ain't got a word to say
Guess it's 'cause he's just as wild in his younger days

So blow, you old blue northern, blow my love to me
He's ridin' in tonight from California
He loves his damned old rodeo as much as he loves me
Someday soon, goin' with him someday soon
Someday soon, goin' with him

Hello, Thanks Sky...I always appreciate the boost form you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

WEll, I have hada great day! I slept off and on till noon, got up took my shower, ran an errand and hit the bookstore...Then, after I left there I decided to go visit some family...

My aunt and uncle, we talked forever, and I had supper there, drank a cup of tea and got home about twenty minutes ago.

Now, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'm in my pj...vert comfortable, going to relax in bed and enjoy watching some thing "I" like on ym little TV...

I documented a little today and have plans to do a little more tonight...I have to go back and find Nov., which I'm missing...

CJ, special thanks to you tonight for letting me giving you a call...I enjoyed your company...you are truely a blessing! A very amazing human being...

I spend a LOT of time on the pone last night... I talked to several of my friends last night...until well after 11...

THEN, I decided to rearrange my living space...one room, three people...LOL...it was getting a little crowded so I had to pack up some stuff that we weren't using...I like if much better now...

So, I went to sleep about one or so...I'm really enjoying my time...Tomorrow, who knows what I'll get into...Oh, I have to wash some clothes, that's for sure...

Well, I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm doing well...I have been in a great mood all day and have done quite a bit of laughing...got some hugs...always a good thing! And, I'll be back to visit my aunt and uncle, I really enjoyed their company...

Of course, I got fussed for not coming to them sooner and letting them know what was going on in my life...

Hey Strivin,

I am so glad you are enjoying your weekend. Doesn't it feel so good to sleep in as late as you want? I am sure you cannot wait to be back in your own home, though.

Just keep taking care of you and do whatever to stay in that good mood.

Have fun!

Hi, Rin!

Glad you're having a great weekend. You have me wanting to re-arrange, now, too!

Enjoy your weekend and the time with your family.

-AmI.

Hello, E and AmI,

I've been napping off and on all day...LOL...still in my PJs... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, I have to say that I am really enjoying my time by myself...it's a world of diffence from Med life...the kisd were with my 24/7 so I didn't have this kind of time before...

I were outside earlier today and thought "I REALLY like this!" THe thing I'm tryinghard to GET comfortable with is NOT having anything to do...

Learning to relax...not an easy task...but I'm adjusting WELL...LMAO...

My Spon.'s dog has been with me since she left yesterday, sleeping with me instead of with her dad...I think that so funny...been by my side, curled up in the bed with me...

I'm looking so forward to getting back in my house...back to my puppy...

I was wondering last night how long would the court give his to move out of the house after I am granted use...someone said maybe 24 hours...I'm not sure...

Knowing him he has not prepared for moving out, still thinking in his mind that I would get the house...YOU KNOW "B/C it's his"...

12 Days to court...I'm looking forward to it...I have a light yellow dress that I picked up a few weeks ago and yesterday I returned something and found a pair of gold high heel shoes to go with it...so I think that I'll wear that...I'm a GOodwill shopper...love looking for name brand stuff...so my shoes are by Nina...very pretty for less than a 12 pack of cokes...GOT TO LOVE THAT...

I love to shop garage sales too...I'm so looking forward to revamping the house when I get in there...and I plan to do some Goodwill, garage sale shopping to make it MY house...

STBX said in the past that I was making it Girly...so I had stopped doing anything to it really...well, I'm going to slap some new paint on the walls andreally make it say RIN throughout the whole thing...WEll, except the boy's room...

I started with an LSU Tigers theme and I'm going to finish that...

Oh, my mom is sending me a package in the mail JUST FOR ME...HURRAY...I'm looking forward to the surprise...she's SO good to me!

I really can't wait for STBX to see me in my new dress and shoes with my hair cut...I'm making a statement "Het buddy this is what you lost, CPOW!" Then, he can wipe the drool off his face! I mean compared to his convenient store HOES, I'm at least an 8...

LMAO...self-esteem issues...I don't think so! Self-respect...working on that...LOL...I think I've gotten much better!

WEll, I've done enought rambling...but I had to share some of my time with my friends...

E, I haven't had much to say on your sitch been reading though...wishing you the best! Same for you AMI!

Take care!

Strivn,

Super weekend update! Wonderful you received terrific all around support from family & friends!!! Made your self a priority & enjoying doing positive enriching activities, which make you feel good!!!

Thrilled, for your treasure finds!!! Locating some beautiful items, the dress& shoes!!! Bet you look just sooo, absolutely, gorgeously, stunning!!!

I think you will be well pre-pared to handle court!!! Emotional time for sure, but you have been placed in this highly disruptive position.

Loved hearing about the dog cuddles. Started missin my dog, my pal. Dogs are so wonderful & terrific companions! If most people could be just as attuned, smart & as civilized as dogs! LOL.

Hope you'll be in your house soon!!!!

It's been really busy around here with my kids& their friends streaming in, working on each of their various cool projects. Still have a house full of my daughter’s friends working on a neat photo shoot she’s doing for her class.

Hauling out some of my old vintage hats & stuff. The girls are really enjoying rooting through all my stuff. Clothes are such fun!!!

My daughter has ousted her brother/friends from our house, so it’s an all girly week-end so far. Respect/boundaries! LOL.Hairspray, is permeating the house, curling irons, steam- rollers are in full use. Shoes galore around here. LOL.

We’re having some great meaningful conversations of self respect& accepting one's self in healthy ways!

The girls have brought along great stuff for the photo exchange. I was trying on some great red& white polka dotted sandals with cute bows. Went darn how did I miss this shoe store. LOL...

Thought I would share this cool ballet site- may be something else "to do" if your feeling an excess burst of creative energies.


How sweet you have a surprise pkg on the way!!! Gotta love mom's!!!

Keep up all your terrrific grrrreat soooper work!!! Going to see what the girls are up to now!!!

Letting you know you too apart of our day, prayers & warmest hugs!!!


Dancers Anaheim Ballet



Ballet Spin Cycle

I'm back,

Thought you might enjoy this song!

Great Big Sea

Goin'Up