Rin,

Oh, thank goodness...you're dressed.

Whew.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

Hey...what if feeling angry is something you're working on? Feeling anger, tracing and knowing...you do not like STBXH's choices...like meaning do not approve, don't want to accept, feel...what, exactly?

Great catch on getting back into today...to clear your stuff and see clearly.

LA

Hi LA...I love it when you pos to me, you know that right?

I know for a fact that I'm working through my anger with him...part of the healing process right?

I despise his choices where the kids are concerned, where I have been concerned...his choice to chose OP over his family...

I despise his judgement...the fact that he's facing losing his family and still doesn't appear to have hit bottom...

I despise the fact that it's still my fault...the fact that he uses people...that he's making himself out to be the victim...that he's deceptive...dishonest...

Where is the man's integrity?

He's a bottle of milk gone sour in my book...

You know what, lethim, let him do what he wants to do because it's only working in my favor anyway...

I am upset because I'm fearing the unknown...what's going to happen in court...yes, this is his consequences, but I'm still having to deal with his choices...

I am angry that I'm having to deal with his choices...he makes bad decisions and I am having to deal with that...he choose to leave the kids at the HN's house...

Oh, I forgot to mention that there WAS a warf on HN2's property until their son (step) fell into the bayou this weekend...HN2's H tore it down this weekend...

I know I'm not suppose to do what if's...but what if that was MY child....there are alligators in that bayou!

Do I document that?

It's just the process of healing, I know this...I'm just so anger with his behavior!

Rin,

Great list of anger sources...when you focus on his choices, you feel angry--fearful, resentful and frustrated, is what I'm hearing.

When you focus on your own...what do you feel? Your choice to allow him time with the kids...there's no court ordered visitation right now, is that correct? Why not write up a note which says you are sharing time with him because you honor how important his role as father is, how much your sons need time with their father, and in way want to impede or restrict. If he has to work, you want to be able to keep the children, no others. If he has changes to his plans, you want to be the first to know...sort of like first right of refusal. State you believe right now that the children are hurting and fearful and do not want them to be shuttled, not where he says they are going to be, nor will you do that, if he requires notification.

Simple, respectful, direct. You can't control his choices...you are doing your part diligently...documenting, staying present and aware...you're giving your best...keep your focus on your choices, your opportunities...may feel good going over into his stuff...to vent some anger, some sorrow, some fear...it adds to it, I believe.

You wish he was different...you know he is not. Judge the actions, Rin. He made really terrible choices. Now you choose. Helps you sort your wishful inner child from your adult knowing self...and helps you see him as capable and separate...because he is...respect that. He's not defective...he's making choices.

Stay right here, right now...breathe, breathe and trace your anger...you got to some beliefs in there...like a person's integrity keeps them from making horrible choices...or not playing victim...or not neglecting, lying, twisting reality. Integrity is something we make and maintain through our code...takes conscious awareness and living based on it, instead of possible response.

Not born with...not inherent. Pure choice. You're choosing well...stay there, Rin. Stay clothed and right where you have power.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

(I'm with you all the way...I don't post unless I'm moved to...I am fearful, also...doesn't mean I'm not right here, 'k?)

LA

When I focus on what I'm doing I feel good secure...I know that the kids will be in my custody...I will be primary Dom...I feel free to be my own person and not wear a mask to hide my emotions, thoughts, and beliefs...

No, there is no visitation ordered right now...I believe that I am being fair not only to STBX but to the kids...

First, I believe that you do unto others as you wwould have them do unto you...from his choices this is not his believe...this is me imposing my believe on to him...hence why would he treat OP better than his wife or his kids? Of course, he doesn't see it that way? Matter of POV, opinion, which I have to respect HIS OPINION, but I don't have to agree....

Second, I believe that you take care of your responsiblities first, and then whatever else is left...My responsiblities are MY proprities. I have to respect that OP's may not be the same as mine...my kid's health and wellfare come first...then my bills...

If I look at what I see his are himself first...thn, I don't know...just my POV...IMVHO...

I AM hurting and am fearful...I am furious with his choices...I'm mad that I believe that I can't talk to him because I don't trust him...I believe that anything I said to him will be turned around and used against me in some form or fashion..I believe that talking to him only adds to the hurt...

I'm pi$$ed off b/c I don't believe that I deserved to be treated so poorly...and I've already stated that I'm pi$$ed off at myself for allowing him to treat me so poorly...

Mostly I'm furious with him because he made poor choices and that effects me and the kids...I believe if he had made better ones I would still be Med and not getting a D...So I blame him for not owning up to his committment...I feel forced into making choices to protect myself and the kids...that doesn't involve him in the rest of my life...

I refuse to be treated like I'm his "MAIN SQUEEZE"...OH, the priviledge in that..."I just get excited thinking about it" (yes, I was being sarcastic!) Sorry!

OKay, I'm done for the time being...Thanks!

You know one thing that struck me as I was hitting my "anger" phase, Rin? I was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO angry at my exH for (insert reason here) and then I realized something. I was indeed angry with him for choosing to leave, etc. but I was FAR MORE angry at myself.

How could I have stayed so long?
How could I have allowed someone to treat me so poorly?
Why didn't I see it?
Why did I want crumbs?
Why would I let myself be hurt? Over and Over!
How could I have chosen a life mate so poorly?
Why wasn't I worth protecting?
Why didn't SOMEONE out there love me!!??

Ah....there it was. I was looking for someone "out there" to love me rather than loving myself. I'm not saying you should have a love affair with yourself (that's called Narcissism--heehee) but rather, I thoroughly know my good points, my value, and how *I* am also a dearly beloved child of God. ME! In fact, He may have allowed all this to happen, not because it would do anything to WS to "wake him/her up" but rather because *I* needed it...for me to be a better, wiser, more mature, more compassionate woman. Sometimes God does things to save our WS's and wake them up--but sometimes He does things for US--because WE are valuable and dearly loved!!

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Cj, thank you for the kind words of wisdom...

I'm feeling much better now...my SD called during supper so I stepped outside and did the usual pacing back and forth...talking for 45 minutes...I tell dad's have a wonderful way of bring reality into prespective...

We discussed my worth, which I'm well aware of...I do love myself and I know what I'm capable of and what I'm not...I am not conceeded in any form or fashion and I know that I am lovable...I KNOW this...

Basically, I give myself permission to get angry at STBX today...a result of all the years that I didn't direct my anger at him...those years that I chose to direct my anger at the kids instead...today, I could be mad at him and it felt good to be honest...

Even this past year, I seldom directed my anger at him...I directed it at OW, at myself...but not at him...I wasn't scared to direct that energy but he was nowhere around and I was safe doing it...

I didn't have to fear anything...not repercussions...just me mad at him...

I chose this D based on his actions...it was a conscious choice...something that "I" needed to do and I'm okay with that...

I have lived in fear for so long...fear of speaking up for myself, fear of the unknown, fear of change, and today I was doing what ifs...

It's a different path but I'm still living in fear...it's highly unlikily that I will not get the house...but after talking with my SD if I don't I'll be okay...

I have the support I need and will not be left homeless with two kids...worse case right?...I will have food on the table because I have people who love me too and will help me through this...

I have the means to take care of myself and my children...

It's a matter of just allowing myself a bad day...working throught the frustrations of the situation...a matter of self-care...

Today I did not allow my anger to grow into resentment or bitterness...

I don't think I can express in mere words the place that all of you hold in my heart...to allow me to share with you all that I have...good and bad...Thank you!

:blowing kisses:

Oh, I think I failed to mention that I got my package from my mom...PJS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

the pants have monkeys on them...SO, does the slippers! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Well, really busy at work...

Finsihed documneting this morning and faxed it to A...

Meeting with A next tues. at 2pm...

Meeting at Fallon's school next Wed. at 2:30 fro results...

Court next Friday...

I'll doing pretty good today...a little overwhelmed but it's all done...

My Thene song:

dixie chicks not ready to make nice

I'm glad you are doing well today...now that you finished documneting you can relax...you have done the best you can..now it's a waiting game...you can do this

Hey Strivin,

Glad you are getting your ducks in a row. Hopefully we will both come out on top.

I have some of my own documentation to finish up and the GAL is coming for an in-home visit Saturday. This should be interesting.

Oh, I have some new songs to add to the HO Down tonight. Keep your eyes and ears peeled <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Thanks MF, I am feeling better now...E, you too...I'll be praying for you...

Well, I saw a mutual friend of our's at lunch...I got the biggest hug I've had in a long time...He called STBX this past Sun. and STBX told him that I was gone...

This was the guy that STBX would brag to about me...said that couldn't have found better, I was a great mother, blah, blah, blah...

I told him what was going on...informed him of something that STBX had done...Oh, this was also the one that had set it up so STBX could have the time to go to MC...

He completely understood me leaving, made sure that I had his number...he shared that he's got a new grandbaby on the way...I was so excited for him!

He laughed when I told him that STBX is saying that "HE got rid of that problem!" (Talking about me!) Just kind of cocked his head and said "Problem?"

So, I promised to stay in touch with him and his wife...(We) I really was the only one that gave him a present for his first grandbaby...that was what started our friendship...he was STBX boss at one point...

It really was so nice to talk to him...helped me feel worlds better today! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

So I guess this guy saw right through STBX.

Yeah, I guess so...he's one of the ones I exposed too because STBX respected him so much...

he couldn't believe that I had to get the TRO...said that when I didn't trust him not to put his hands on me then it was time to go...

So does this guy still work with STBX?

For you're reading pleasure: A summary of the past year...

All comments are welcome...well...


Feb. 9, 2006 – I stayed home with the kids, sick.

Feb. 25 or 26, 3006 –STBX yelled “I’m not raising any F***ing pansies.” F was sitting at dining room table. I had just told him that F would rather take Art classes that TaeKnowDo.

March 27, 2006 –F’s belt test; 5:15pm, we all went.


April 22, 2006 – In front of several friends, STBX told me at his birthday party, “There are some things in life that we don’t like to do, but we had to learn to like them. If you don’t do it, then, there are people out there that will.” (Referring to anal sex)

April 23, 2006 – STBX confessed to having an affair with OW at 3am. I slept in L's bed.

April 24, 2006 – F dr. appt 12:15, I bought him. STBX threaten to burn the house down instead of give it to me.

April 25, 2006 – F ENT appt. 10:45, STBX and I bought him.I slept in spare room.

April 29, 2006- I bought F to church for banner meeting.

April 30, 2006 – F 1st communion, We all went.

Also, during April, STBX told me: "Some of it you don't need to know and some of it you don't want to know." "I like having my wife and GF at the same time." "She makes me happy and laugh." "She gives me what I want." "Not the 1st or 2nd time but the 3rd time we did it (anally)." I also had anal sex with him because I felt like I had to, even thought I thought it was painful and humiliating.

May 4, 2006 - We argued about OW and his contact with her. STBX didn't talk to me that night.

May 5, 20006 - STBX confronts me about calling OW.

May 7, 2006 - We argued on the way back from Baton Rouge.

May 12, 2006 - STBX TMed me by accident, he was TMing OW. OW drove F on a field trip to new school.

May 15, 2006 - I called a lawyer and a counselor for meetings.

May 16, 2006 - My meeting with Counselor, 3pm. Invited STBX to go with me to counseloring that night.

May 17, 2006 – Meeting with Lawyer, 11am; F Eye dr. appt. 3:45, I bought him. Told STBX that it was important for him to go to Marriage counseling with me.

May 18, 2006 – L’s speech test 10:40am I bought him.

May 19, 2006 – L’s H.I.P.P.Y. graduation 5pm, We argued over STBX’s porn viewing. STBX didn’t attend L’s graduation, did show up for dinner afterward.

May 23, 2006 – STBX left his job, came to mine, Boss witnessed, STBX said “I would rather go to jail than give you anything.” I was scared. That night, STBX made me sleep in the room with him. also, had STD test that afternoon, got notarized letter stating STBX could not pick up kids from sitter, I was scared he would take them somewhere and scared of him.

May 25, 2006 - I went to counseling, made appt. for STBX, he agreed to go.

May 28, 2006 – STBX got angry with me for checking the cell bill. Said if he wanted to contact her there were other phones he could use than his cell.

May 29, 2006 – STBX got angry because I asked him to go to Marriage counseling with me. Said I was making him go.

May 30, 2006 - STBX cancelled marriage counseling, We argued, I wanted to leave he took my keys, I started hitting him, STBX held my arms.

June 24, 2006 – B-day part for kids.

June 26, 2006 – STBX punched wall, we were arguing about his porn viewing.

July 5, 2006 – STBX got angry about a key chain that OW gave him. I asked him to get rid of it.

July 7, 2006 – L’s dr. appt. 10am, pinkeye

July 13, 2006 – STBX came to my work, took my laptop out of my car, called me a B**ch, and almost closed the truck door on me.

July 14, 2006 – STBX was angry, hid my laptop, I left that night for cooling off period, kid’s at sitter that night, STBX drove around to all of our friend’s house, told me “that if I didn’t tell him where I was that he would make a scene when he found me.”I agreed to go home, if he let me sleep in spare room, I slept with the door locked.

July 15, 2006 – STBX was angry because I slept on sofa.

July 17, 2006 – HN1 came into my house and told me I wanted a Divorce. I kicked her out of my house.

July 20, 2006 – STBX got angry about cell bill, I checked it again.

July 26, 2006 - STBX wanted to know if we had an “open marriage,” I said no!

July 28, 2006 - I got letter from HN1 filled with cuss words.

August 9, 2006 –STBX got angry about a book I ordered! “Living with a Passive Aggressive Man”

August 15, 2006 – We argued about neighbor, STBX told me that I needed to work things out with HN1. STBX got mad and left.

August 17, 2006 – We argued about him lying to friends.

August 21, 2006 – We argued about him talking to OW, the woman he said that he had an affair with.

August 22, 2006 – Open house for F, 6:30pm, STBX and I went, STBX missed most of it because he was outside helping a stranger who was stuck in the mud.

August 24, 2006 – F dr. appt. 4pm; broncitis

August 26, 2006 – STBX drove home drunk.

August 27, 2006 – STBX woke up angry, we argued about his porn viewing. STBX told me that if this was the way if was going to be “that I could pack my clothes and leave.” STBX throw a plastic coke bottle in my direction as I was walking out of room.

September 4, 2006 – I found valentine’s card from OW to STBX. We argued and he said that he was keeping it to remind him of a mistake.

September 6, 2006 – STBX got suspended from work for 3 days, I had to cancel my car repair appt. STBX came by my work.

September 8, 2006 –STBX broke paddle on F. Paddle was ¼’ thick.

September 9, 2006 – I found the book I had ordered, STBX hid in the top of our closet. STBX said that he opened my mail, and got mad at the title and hit it! “Living with a Passive Aggressive Man”

September 11, 2006 – STBX began working nights.

September 14, 2006 – L’s H.I.P.P.Y. program orientation, I bought him.

September 17, 2006 – STBX called the house, kids and I were outside, left message on answering machine, cussing at me for not having my cell phone on me.

September 21, 2006 – We argued over his porn viewing on my laptop.

September 22, 2006 – I had the kids pictures taken, rented movies, had kid night.

September 23, 2006 – We argued about sex. I drove L to Baton Rouge to meet Mother in law, She was enrolling L in Pre-K in Winnfield for some a little while to see how he would do.

September 30, 2006 – STBX got text message from new woman. STBX said that I was jealous and threaten to cheat if I continued to check his cell. I also found out that STBX was still talking to OW1. STBX said that he would do wantever he wants, whenever he wanted.

October 2, 2006 – We argued, STBX blocked my car door with arms folded, then went inside. I left. STBX burned four of my books, “Surviving An Affair,” “His Needs/ Her Needs,” “Self Matters,” and “Living with a Passive Aggressive Man”

October 7, 2006 – STBX called new woman at about 1am.I was out of town at my dad’s, STBX said he didn’t get home until 4am.

October 13, 2006 – F said that he was scared to talk to his Dad.

October 14, 2006 – I bought F play miniature Golf, STBX still working nights.

October 15, 2006 – STBX was suppose to buy F a tape recorder to help with Spelling and didn’t.

October 18, 2006 – STBX left work (still workings nights), came home to argue with me, I told him I wanted a Divorce, I was scared he would hurt me. He finally left the house.

October 20, 2006 – I had to pick F up from school after call from teacher. Poor behavior.

November 10, 2006 – F said that he thinks his dad hates him.

November 20, 2006 - STBX threaten to come to my work and tear the doors off.

November 23, 2006 – STBX, Mother in Law, and I had talk about STBX and I. STBX agreed that he could not have a relationship with OW or her son. We talked until 2am.

November 26, 2006 – We bought L back from Mother in Laws.

December 11, 2006 – STBX began working days.

December 14, 2006 – STBX got angry, sweep his hand across end table, sent everything flying across room and broke glass on entertainment center. F was in spare room, began crying. I comforted him and checked on L. Put both kids in the bed together.

December 15, 2006 – Glass still on floor, L asked if his dad was going to jail.

January 8, 2007 – I picked up F in Lafayette from Mother In laws. STBX did not go because he was on call.

January 12, 2007 – Father in Law came to town, STBX lied about having to go to a meeting. STBX went out for bike night. Father In Law, the kids, and I went to supper.

January 13, 2007 - F parent/teacher conference 8am, I went. STBX wanted me to call his boss and lie to him, I wouldn’t do it.

January 19, 2007 – STBX wrote letter explaining that he still thinks about OW and had to find out why. I wanted to leave for weekend, cooling off period, STBX would not let me leave with kids. I walked outside to make a call, STBX followed with arms folded. STBX would not leave me alone by myself. I was scared.

January 20, 2007 - My meeting; 6pm, STBX watched kids, when I returned home, kids unfed, STBX had ate.

February 5, 2007 – STBX began working nights.

February 6, 2007 – I bought L to emergency room, bronchitis.

February 9, 2006 – I bought kids to parade, STBX spend $1100.00 on motorcycle, car still now repaired.

February 11, 2007- I bought kids to parade.

February 13, 2007 – I was sick, asked STBX to bring F to religion class. STBX asked HN1 to bring him instead.

February 14, 2007 – I registered L for kindergarden.

February 19, 2007 – I bought kids to parade.

February 20, 2007 – I bought kids to parade.

February 26, 2007 – Huge argument on phone, STBX was at work, he called me naïve. Also told me that since I would not have anal sex with him he would continue to view porn, that it was not like he was asking everyday. We hung up and he called right back saying that if I wanted a Divorce to just do it and to stop looking for things to b**ch at him about.

February 27, 2007- STBX signed up for a personal ad on Fling.com

February 28, 2007 – I went to women's shelter.

March 1, 2007- I went to Attorney, STBX spend $600.00 on motorcycle, car still not repaired and we are behind on some bills.

March 2, 2007 – I worked on my laptop, found 10,700 plus porn pictures, deleted some, still 7500 plus remaining.

March 3, 2007 – Surprise B-day party for friend, STBX left bar on motorcycle, got pulled over, give field sobiety test, I witnessed him drink several beers, I left early and did not drunk.

March 4, 2007 – On poker run, freezing cold, STBX got angry with me because I wanted him to bring me home, told me that it was all in my mind. At 3pm, STBX said that he was tired on watching me suffer and bought me home.

March 5, 2007- STBX back on days.

March 8, 2006 – STBX called me: 7:30am, asked if we were getting a Divorce, I said yes. STBX left his job and showed up at mine. I went inside locked the doors, and called my boss. Boss called the police and they asked him to leave. The kids and I did not return home.

March 9, 2007 – STBX called and asked about his 9mm, nothing about the kids.

March 11, 2007 – I bought L and F to church, F was a greeter at Mass, 11am.

March 12, 2007 – I called STBX and made a verbal arrangement with him about the kids: 1 day per week and every other weekend. Both kids talked to him.

March 13, 2007 – STBX had boys until 8pm, Spon. and I picked kids up. We both went inside, I noticed that STBX changed locks on the house. STBX asked for keys back to Truck and motorcycle, I gave them to him. I picked up a few things while I was there.

March 16, 2007 – STBX picked up kids from sitter at 6pm.

March 18, 2007 – Spon. picked kids up for me at 7pm. . In Laws came down from Winnfield, Kids stayed at neighbors most of weekend, They said that they did not have a bath the entire weekend.

March 19, 2007 – STBX closed joint checking account, had $38 dollars in it. I called him to talk about auto insurance, it was Autopay out of that account. Kids talked to Dad.

March 21, 2007 – I got car repaired, F got report card and called his Dad.

March 26, 2007 – L wanted to call STBX, STBX agreed to pick them up after he got off of work at 6pm. Spon. picked kids up for me at 8pm. STBX told her the kids were well behaved because of me and not him.

March 28, 2007 – I transferred Autopay for Auto insurance to my account.

March 30, 2007 – STBX picked up kids from sitter at 6pm.

March 31, 2007 – STBX and kids slept in camper at Civil center.

April 1, 2007 – Spon, picked up kids for me at 7pm. They were in the tub when she got there.

April 12, 2007 – HN2 called to see about getting the boys for the weekend. I told her it was STBX’s weekend and I had not heard from him. STBX said that he “forgot” the verbal agreement about visitation. I told him that I was having F tested for Dyslexia and getting his eyes checked again. Also reminder him that he can call about the kids or finances.

April 13, 2007 – I dropped kids at HN2 house, told HN2's H about medicine for kids. Kids spend night there.

April 14, 2007 – STBX worked. HN2's son fell in bayou off of wharf, both L and F were right there playing on it too according to kids.

April 15, 2007 – I picked up kids at HN2’s, didn’t know STBX was inside, L had no socks or shoes on. Kids said no bath and medicine all weekend.

WOW! very detailed good job.

Hey, Strivn~~

Do you mind if I go through it and add suggestions, etc.? I can read it for content (in which case, it clearly shows a pattern of abuse) or I can read it like a proofreader and tell you little things you could add etc. here and there to make it more affective legally. Which would you like? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

(((((Strivn))))) Wasn't it a relief to get this finished? For me, it was but it also felt a little like throwing up.




~~CJ

Please, I would appreciate that...It may help others also...

I did a Spell check AFTER, I send it to the A...I would love help...I was going to call but I finished it before I got around to it...

I can give a revised copy to A next week...

CJ,

I have more things that STBX has said but I don't have dates for it, any suggestions on what I should do with that?