Yes--you might have approximate dates. For example, sometimes you can say "during the week of 3/7 to 3/14" or you can say "during the month of March 2007". It doesn't always have to have an exact date and time, and in fact that might actually work in your favor, because who really drops everything the minute something hurtful is said and writes it in their calendar? No one.

So here's an example:

"March 2006: Kids at home after school (3pm to 5pm) while I am at work. They plug the toilet. They try calling me at work for help but I am with a customer. They call their dad for help, and he comes to the house, pushes his way into the house--breaking R.O.--and says that he's trying to "fix the toilet plug" by taking a sledgehammer to the walls in the family room. Photos of family room at Valentines Day attached--photos after sledgehammering attached."

See--I don't remember the precise day he did that, because I was too surprised and freaked out to write it down at the time. I came home to a house with a plugged toilet, sewage in the bathroom, and the walls smashed in. I had to deal with all that! I did think to take photos though. And I had evidence that it was after Valentines Day, because on V-Day the photos had walls that were not hammered.

Does that help??



~~CJ

Yeah...like when he adnitted that he had anal sex with Ow...I know about when...I can't prove adultry but what he has said relates to the SA...and my fears...

I have to prove Sexual abuse...I can't remember that stuff...I mean dates...I just remember giving in...

Cool...I'll work on that!

Hey, Rin ....

I'm still reading and have somethoughts, but in themeantime, you might need to re-check your post, you have a few places where real names didn't get replaced with acronyms (STBX and L are the ones I noticed, and F in an earlier post).

I'd just hate for someone to be able to google and find your posts here.

-AmI.

Rin, you are incredible, woman, just incredible.

Your list seems pretty concise, no emotion, nothing spiteful, just facts and some mention of fear in the moment.

You are prepared, you will be fine. CJ seems to be a good confidante in this, as she has been through much of what you are now.

Hey, Rin...

I know this is a topic you would rather not remember at all, but from a "definition" point of view, this is what sexual abuse is--as related to domestic violence/spousal abuse:


Here's another definition:


I do not tell you this to bring you additional pain, but rather, I know as a survivor of abuse that I tended to minimize what had happened to me and "not remember" things that hurt me. I tell you this so you can make a full presentation of the things that occurred that might be classified as sexual abuse. But let me give you this one word of warning. Do not re-write history to make him a bigger "monster" than he was. Abuse is abuse is abuse. Just state what truthfully occurred. Okay??

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

I don't know anything about documenting the abuse, I'll leave that to CJ ... it's unfortunate that there have to be people with such experience, but I'm glad she's here to help!

For custody things, I would add details about his schedule and yours, the kids normal routines, especially when he's on night shift.

For example: STBX works from 6 pm to 6 am, 5 days per week, (date ranges that he worked night shift). STBX's night-shift schedule makes him unavailable to spend time with or care for the children when they are home. Typically, he is already in bed asleep before the kids get up and get ready for school in the mornings, and he's already left for work before the kids get home in the evenings. I handle all transportation to and from, and coordination of school and daycare, activities, homework, dinner, bedtime and all other care for the children on those days.

hi rin

HI Frog...

THank you AmI...I edited the post and added one thing...I will probably add to it more...

Thank you for your help...I really appreicate the example...

CJ...I appreicate teh definition, it helps...ALOT...

Thanks SL...I really appreciate it...

LA nailed it once, just like CJ...so much has happened to me in my life that I don't react to it, think nothing of it, or down play it...

I added some more stuff to the summary...I put it in bold so that I can go back and look at it...

pg 40...I will continue to add to it...not sure where to put AmI's suggestion...

Ok, I have some thoughts that might help, but also might be too much ... I tried to insert them into your lines, in italics.


April 24, 2006 – F dr. appt 12:15, him [color:"red"] where was STBX? Did you leave work to take him? [/color] . STBX threaten to burn the house down instead of give it to me. [color:"red"]you specifically mention where you slept the night before and the night after, you might need to include it here, too.[/color]

April 29, 2006- I bought F to church for banner meeting. [color:"red"]where was STBX? It helps to show that he's not available to do things like this, in addition to just not wanting to.[/color]

Also, during April, STBX told me: "Some of it you don't need to know and some of it you don't want to know." "I like having my wife and GF at the same time." "She makes me happy and laugh." "She gives me what I want." "Not the 1st or 2nd time but the 3rd time we did it (anally)." I also had anal sex with him because I felt like I had to, [color:"red"]why? Did he say or imply that he will only stay with you if you did? Or that he'd continue his affair if you didn't? [/color] even thought I thought it was painful and humiliating.

May 5, 20006 - STBX confronts me about calling OW. [color:"red"]Did you call her? You probably ought to put details in about that if you did. They will come out anyway, you don't want to look less than honest.[/color]

May 12, 2006 - STBX TMed me by accident, he was TMing OW. [color:"red"] what was the TM?[/color] OW drove F on a field trip to new school.

May 17, 2006 – Meeting with Lawyer, 11am; F Eye dr. appt. 3:45, I bought him [color:"red"]where was STBX? Did you have to take off work?[/color]. Told STBX that it was important for him to go to Marriage counseling with me.

May 18, 2006 – L’s speech test 10:40am I bought him.[color:"red"] where was STBX? Did you have to take off work?[/color]

May 19, 2006 – L’s H.I.P.P.Y. graduation 5pm, We argued over STBX’s porn viewing. [color:"red"] where does tis argument fit in the timeline? before, during, after graduation...?[/color] STBX didn’t attend L’s graduation, did show up for dinner afterward.

May 23, 2006 – STBX left his job, came to mine, Boss witnessed, STBX said “I would rather go to jail than give you anything.” I was scared. That night, STBX made me sleep in the room with him. [color:"red"]expand on this -- how did he make you? threaten, physical force ... ?[/color] also, had STD test that afternoon, got notarized letter stating STBX could not pick up kids from sitter, I was scared he would take them somewhere and scared of him.

May 30, 2006 - STBX cancelled marriage counseling, We argued, I wanted to leave he took my keys, I started hitting him, STBX held my arms. [color:"red"]How did this end? Were you finally able to go?[/color]

June 26, 2006 – STBX punched wall, [color:"red"]detail any damage -- hole in the wall? dent? was it ever repaired?[/color] we were arguing about his porn viewing.

July 7, 2006 – L’s dr. appt. 10am, pinkeye [color:"red"]who took him, where was STBX, did you have to take off work?[/color]

July 13, 2006 – STBX came to my work, took my laptop out of my car, called me a B**ch, and almost closed the truck door on me. [color:"red"]What instigated this? I think you need more detail here and mention witnesses.[/color]

July 17, 2006 – HN1 came into my house and told me I wanted a Divorce. I kicked her out of my house. [color:"red"]This needs more detail and relevance.[/color]

July 28, 2006 - I got letter from HN1 filled with cuss words. [color:"red"]Do you still have it? I'd include it if you can establish some relevance.[/color]

August 24, 2006 – F dr. appt. 4pm; broncitis [color:"red"] who took him, where was STBX, did you have to take off work?[/color]

August 26, 2006 – STBX drove home drunk. [color:"red"] expand ... from where? Kids in car? You in car? How do you know? Where were you, why weren't you driving if he was drunk, etc.[/color]

August 27, 2006 – STBX woke up angry, we argued about his porn viewing. STBX told me that if this was the way if was going to be “that I could pack my clothes and leave.” STBX throw a plastic coke bottle in my direction as I was walking out of room. [color:"red"]didn't he later tell you that if he'd wanted to hit you with that, he would have? I'd include that here.[/color]

September 6, 2006 – STBX got suspended from work for 3 days, [color:"red"]why?[/color] I had to cancel my car repair appt. [color:"red"]why? [/color] STBX came by my work. [color:"red"]why?[/color]

September 8, 2006 –STBX broke paddle on F. Paddle was ¼’ thick. [color:"red"]What was his excuse for punishing him like this?[/color]

September 11, 2006 – STBX began working nights. [color:"red"]This is where I'd put the info about a typical nights schedue and how much interaction he has with the kids on night shift. You probably also ought to mention when he went back to days, and then back to nights again. Is he still on nights?[/color]

September 14, 2006 – L’s H.I.P.P.Y. program orientation, I bought him. [color:"red"]Where was STBX? Did you have to take off work?[/color]

September 22, 2006 – I had the kids pictures taken, rented movies, had kid night. [color:"red"]where was STBX? Did you have these nights often or have a pattern of these kinds of nights when STBX wasn't there?[/color]

October 13, 2006 – F said that he was scared to talk to his Dad. [color:"red"]why? about what?[/color]

October 15, 2006 – STBX was suppose to buy F a tape recorder to help with Spelling and didn’t. [color:"red"]"Supposed to" -- does that mean he agreed to, and did it have to be done on that date, or is that when he agreed to do it? What happened? Did you buy it, or did he go without or ...? What was the impact on F's school work?[/color]

October 20, 2006 – I had to pick F up from school after call from teacher. Poor behavior. [color:"red"]Where was STBX? What was his reaction to the poor behavior? Did you have to leave work?[/color]

November 20, 2006 - STBX threaten to come to my work and tear the doors off. [color:"red"]why? What prompted this?[/color]

December 14, 2006 – STBX got angry [color:"red"]about what?[/color], sweep his hand across end table, sent everything flying across room and broke glass on entertainment center. F was in spare room, began crying. I comforted him and checked on L. Put both kids in the bed together.

February 6, 2007 – I bought L to emergency room, bronchitis. [color:"red"]where was STBX? Did it affect you going to work?[/color]

February 9, 2006 – I bought kids to parade [color:"red"]Where was STBX?[/color], STBX spend $1100.00 on motorcycle, car still now repaired.

March 3, 2007 – Surprise B-day party for friend, STBX left bar on motorcycle, got pulled over, give field sobiety test [color:"red"]did he get ticketed for DUI? If not, you might need to show some relevance here. Where were the kids?[/color] I witnessed him drink several beers, I left early and did not drunk.

Rin, I don't post on your thread too much, largely because I have no idea what to tell you. I read your situation and wonder "and I think I have problems?"

I suspect that you have no idea how strong you are. I stand in awe.

AmI, thank you...

SDguy...I really appreicate that...No, TBH with you, I don't becasue it seemed the norm...this was the way that people lived...I just knew I wanted to cut the drama out of my life...

For the most part it's been easy to walk away, I haven't had to many bad days since I left...I feel GOOD inside, more happy...

You know they say that children on abuse quickly examine their environment and determine where they are safe or not...I started doing this at the age of nine...

A heighten sense of awareness...LOL...there on MB, the reason I DJed alot...LMAO

I can't let you how many times I got fussed for reading into things...but that kept me safe a large part of my life...

I watch healthy R's now and know that I what that...it was a hard adjustment for me living here and watching my SPonsor and her H at first...

I remember he came home one day and said how tired he was, well, she had cooked dinner for all of us...after dinner her H got up and did the dishes...I was so floored...

In my world, I would have worked all day, picked up the kids, went home cooked supper, STBX would come home, claim he was "so tired," sat on the sofa and watched tv or playing on the internet, ate supper, then continued doing what he was doing...

I would have gotten the kids into the tub, ready for bed, and down for the night...did homework with F, washed clothes, folded clothes, whatever...

Life was not fair in my eyes, this was not what I thought I signed up for when I got Med...I was very angry and resentful...I had F in school, religion class, and TaeknoDo with L in a kind of home school for 3 to 5 year olds...

How was I suppose to meet someones needs when I doing all of this and not getting my needs met either? No outside friends and I didn't really talk to my family all that much...it was just me and the kids...

I really have to watch myself and just say thank you when someone gives me a compliment...that all started for me here...the love that I have in my heart for MB and the people here can NOT be shown on paper or a screen...

SHaring my story for OP to read is just a drop in the bucket to repaid my gratitude...I post not only to help me but to help someone else who may be in the same spot that I was in...

Well, AmI, I'll try to work on that later...LOL...I'm going to try to go back to sleep...I'm dealing better with my sleep problem too...I just accept it...I'm not thinking "something's wrong" with me now...

OH, BTW, I have been drinking pretty much water for the last two weeks...and my eating at night has decreased to also nothing...no craving sugar! HURRAY! I favor my water with a sugar free product...I tell you, soon enough...

MAMA'S GOTTEN DROP THE EXTRA 30 LBS, AND I'LL BE LOOKIN HOT AGAIN...The sidewalks will be "streamin"...LMAO

It really doesn't matter, TBH, I like myself either way!

Good night! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

OKay, I copied and pasted Ami's questions into my notes...I failed to mention several others things that I have to put in there...

Any other suggestions, comments, would be great? I don't know what approach my lawyer is going to take but I want to be prepared for anything...

If I read correctly STBX is claiming that I'm at fault in his response to my petition for D...

My main reason for getting this all together is to get custody of the kids...

Does anyone have any idea how this is going to help my in other areas?

I think the hardest part for me is accepting that THIS is abuse...then, I think well if I let all of this happen than how am I going to find a healthy relationship in the future when I'm ready?

I mean I can know myself all I want but I have a clear pattern of backing down with STBX, how am I going to keep myself out of an abusive relationship in the future?

I guess I'm really thinking about things that I have no need to be concerned with right not...

It's all just really confusing and somewhat frustrating...

Oh, Some of these questions that AmI asked, I don't think I remember the answer too...how do I handle that?

Is there anything that I should take out?

Thank you all for your support, time, love, and for just being you!

Rin (I minght have to change that R to a V to at least try to go along with the name change .... sorry, it's hard to get used to!).


I can only tell you about what we've learned here as we've gone through custody battles, just remember that laws everywhere are very different. So you really need to ask your lawyer.

Some big standards in my state that I'm basing my info on, and that may be very different for you are that it's very hard to PROVE abuse here, especially without police records. And often, unless it's provable and extreme child abuse or obscenely shocking to the conscience, it doesn't much matter if you can prove it, anyway, because we're a no-fault state.

You have some proof of abuse -- burned books, pictures of the broken glass, the police record when he came to your office -- which will help, but I'm worried that it may not be enough. And it doesn't look like you have proof of abuse against the kids. So as shocking as it all is to MY conscience, I wouldn't rely as much on those issues -- because, here, they wouldn't have much impact on the outcome of the case.

So, if it were me, and in my state, my strategy would be to focus more on the angle of proving that the "status quo" or normal state of things, is you providing most of the care for the children and STBX usually being either unavailable or unwiling to do so. That you are the one who gets them up and takes them to school every day. That you make all the arrangements for school, daycare, activities, etc. That you transport them most of the time. That you make most of the decisions regarding their upbringing -- religion, school, medical, etc.. That you are the one working with the teachers, volunteering in the schools, participating in their activities, doing homework, taking care of bedtime. Show that, on a regular basis, their contact with STBX was limited, and yours was primary.

Showing that STBX is not capable of meeting their scheduling needs will be hugely helpful. That's why I suggested noting what the typical schedule is when he's on night shift. And the fact that the kids slept somewhere else on his weekend when he was working will be a big one to help suport this. Because now, not only can you establish a pattern that he has been unwilling in the past to be involved (which he can blame on you or claim will change or whatever), now you can show that he's largely un-ABLE to be involved.

Makes you the obvious choice.

I'd also request right of first refusal, so you get to keep them if he can't take them.

Again, I have to put the big caveat in there ... I'm not a lawyer, have no idea what the laws are in your state. This is what I'd do in our sitch, and in our state. But you should ask your lawyer specifically what you need to focus on and what your overall strategy is going to be, and really point your energies in that direction.

-AmI.

Thanks AmI...I called the A this morning...they will be looking over my stuff and possibly calling before my meeting next week...

Cj, what else you got for me...

Oh, I added the changes from AmI's teacher red! LMAO

I didn't post them though!

Rin,

For a head-hurtin' spinning broad, AmI sure can think straight, doncha think?

I think she flipped off her tricycle so she could experience life as a dizzy blonde.

Or not.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

LA

oH, YES! That's wonderfully, amazing AmI...

My hero! LMAO

Rin,

Good job on your time line. Looks like you have your ducks in a row.

Keep your head up and live in today. When everything is said and done you will be better for this.

Good luck.

Hi Frog...Thank you...I'm having a rough day emotionally...feeling lonely...missing a companion to tlak to...

Wishing I had more friends here...wondering how to make some with "GOOD" People...

I'm keepin my head up, Six weeks out of the house today!

I was looking for something that I could get involved in or something...I don't know...

I KNOW that it will all work out...

Oh, did you check out my "HO" thread...i wrote you in! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />