Hey Strivn,

Knock, knock. Carn's back. She has some wonderful song requests. Having troubles with my end on youtube.

Could ya, would ya, can ya, worth a try, looking up her songs!

Advance/Thx

Okay, I didn't read all on carn's post...but I got one up...busy day...

On the legal stuff...from what i'm reading everything will be determined at this hearing...it sounds to me like the we are asking for permenant injunctions be issued...

There you go:
"Petitioner furthur prays that permanate injunctions to issue against the defenant in the same form and substance as the temporary restraining orders requested above, and that after all due proceeding are had, there be judgement making this rule absolute;..."


So, I guess depending on what the judge says I can be Ded in 180 or 365 days from the day that STBX was served...

If it's 180, than I have 155 days left.

If it's 365, than I have 337 days left.

Please pray that I'm granted the 180....please Heavenly Father guide me in the right direction so that I can end my marriage with this man. I pray only for your will...

Hi, again...I went to the library today with the kids, returned my other books and got some new ones...

Well, one of the ones that I just started reading is "Honeymoon Mania" by Donna Canfield, PhD...

The first chapter is What is Abuse? and I read two pages and had to put the book down...along with physical, verbal, emotional...she talked about the abuser withholding sex, or getting right to the act, no foreplay...the abuser being sexual selfish...

I can't even count how many times I heard I'll take care of you later, or I'll make it up to you...at one point I would make sure that he didn't go without for more than one night...Sex, I can't call it SF, was a chore...I would do things to avoid it, staying up late...I even asked my dr. what was wrong with me?

I'm even on the pill to 'COntrol" that time, and I have my tubes tied...once every three months because one I felt dirty for having it and two it interferred...

ANyway, I had to put the book down...it's really hard to be able to put my finger on what was wrong in my M, why I felt the things that I did...

So, I'll try to read some more later...I'm going to go watch some TV...pizza's on it's way home...Hurray...boy's are playing outside...my Spon. is returning from her weeks vacation....

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Rin, after time passes and much of this is behind you, you will be in a much safer place to read a lot of this stuff. Right now, you KNOW you were abused physically, emotionally, and sexually. You KNOW this.

I'm not saying don't read about abuse and the hows and the whys, not at all, but maybe taking a tiny break to read some trashy romance novel in between times that you pick up that book could help.

You are a voracious reader, and I think sometimes, especially in the midst of the DRAMA that you have and still deal with , you need to give your mind a break.

You're right SL...I do need to give myself a break from time to time...

The point to reading this stuff is learning what the abuse was for me...it like shocks me when I read that "this" is abuse...the point for doing it is getting my ducks in a row...

I was sitting at the table earlier and remembered that he threw the house phone one day breaking it and the cell phone another...now I have to go back through my notes and find those days to add to my list...it's all about court right now...

After this Friday, I'm going to relax...I MEAN REALLY RELAX...I just keep thinking if I have enough evidence there I can get out of this in possibly six months...

I read a little more in the book...it has stories and reading them wasn't so bad...it was the first two pages on verbal, nonverbal, and physical abuse that got me...

In my mind, I'm still questioning the abuse...like I haven't really accepted it yet...perhap the extent of it yet...I was thinking "well, it's just been since the A!" NO, it's been, from what I just read, our whole R...it's really mind blowing to me..."THat I allowed myself to be put in this situation."

Oh, well...LOL...I can't read Romance novels...I can't get into them...

Thanks SL for looking out for me...you know I often wonder how many other people knew I was being abused and why I didn't know it...

HAHAHA...It's official...it's 12:09 and I have a month behind me...STBX was served 30 days ago...


:?)@($)@$+?@#)$( <--THat's the dance of joy! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Strivn,

Appreciated! Thankyou for posting Carn song. Still trying to work on the utube issue.

Have my son's friend's my adopted other son, helping me out off/on here. They are experincing the same troubles with youtube upgrades.

I like SL advice, sometimes taking a mini mind break, entering the (fun/relax zone) for awhile really helps.

I found I needed to put alot my books/reading on hold. Concentrated being with my friends doing nothing too heavy. They were so wonderful, since they couldn't relate or do insanity, live normal married lives. We did alot of normal fun stuff.

You have worked so very hard 24/7. Taken in sooo much information& faced many realities. Build up to court is such a big energy zapper!

Do you have any aspirations for college/university studies on line??? Your such a bright lite!!!

HI, Sky...I went to bring the boys to see THe LAst Mimzy but the something was wrong witht he sound...so, we got free movie passes...

Then, I went SHOPPING for clothes...at my favorite store...got some new shirts, a pair of pant and a pair of SHOES! Oh, I can't wait to get home...my best pair of brown heels are there and I haven't been able to find another good pair of brown shoes since I left home...

So, needless to say, I have taken you'll advice and really chilled out today...

Sky, I would love to go back and get my Master's, I have thought about doing it online too...My friend is studing to get her Bachalor's right now...she went online and showed me how the classes worked and stuff...pretty cool!

Thing is I have to pay for my Master's out of my pocket...OR get a loan, I'm STILL paying for my Bachelor's degree! Thing that comes to my mind is that you have to spend money to make money...

I think about the earning potential that I'll have with my Master's...sounds good to me!

Well, let me go deal with L, I just punished him, he went across the street without my permission...we're in a subdivision...really quiet, Thank GOD! So, I told him he was punished from outside for the rest of the day!

Hi Stri,

What a bummer for the kids, nice they handed out free movie passes. Sounds like you had a really fun day!.

Hoorah! You made it shopping& treated your self! Such a thrill isn't it to find your fav stuff at your fav store.Glad you could spring splurge on yourself!

Your such a good person to splurge on, your worth it, deserve it!!!

Yes, you got new SHOES!!! I luvvvvv shoes, something about new shoes, shoes are wonderful!!! Wow, brown is such a lovely delicious colour like chocolate fudge!!! GOOD 4 U...

And I luv your thinking about upgrading! It is so worth it!!! Your at a marvellous age to get your masters!!! Great example to your sons!

I have done so many things, not sure how I did all that I did accomplish, but I am a stage of what I don't want to doo.

Anyhoo, taking a breather, break is good! I must say it does feel so good, to be done with courts, dv, lawyers. I went through my first legal separation at your age with my xh, spent a lifetime holding that guy accountable.

My first separation with my xh, took me 15 min with the judge on my own. Presented the facts& interventions recommendations whether we dv’d or not. My plea was to assist the man in becoming a better father.

The judge was very nice, saw I was prepared, fair, reasonable& agreed to my requests. I don't enjoy dramas other than in movies and entertainment. LOL...

We did end up reconciling for the sake of kids, conditions placed, attendance of intervention program. I promised myself, if he ever subjected me/children to such pain, cruelty again we were done forever! I kept that promise!

My second final legalities of dv really were huge drain& time waster, because my xh just wanted to waste time, harm our family. I wanted immediate dv.

Insane thing, he wanted to reconcile yet again, after 2 yrs of separation, move back home, like nothing happened and go for counselling. Not a well man, he had all his opportunities and there was no way I would ever subject my self, or children to such insanity, disrespect& degradation ever again.

So I know that you are doing so wonderfully fantastic& will do a super good job in court when the day arrives!

My xh are those types who are truly a piece of work, that reach the point of no return...

HI Sky, thanks for sharing...WOW, I really appreciate that...

It had been draining and I'm hoping for the best...I am slowly learning that I am healthy...still have some things to work on...in time...

I figured that I better do some shopping for me now...LOL...may not be able to do that real soon...

I have been workign on paying my car of...a grand to go BABY...HURRAY!

Reconcile...yeah, this man says that we can come home then goes out and tell people that he got rid of a problem, ME! I see the true colors...not going to happen buddy...I'm out and plan to remain that way...

Of course, I still find myself hoping and wishing for that illusion from time to time...missing being in his arms...the good times that we had between the [email]cr@p...[/email]

No, too many valleys and hills for me...I'd like to see what some flat ground is like...

I agree of the drama in movies...like to keep it that way! LOL

Yeap, momma needed to do for herself...it was kid's day yesterday...so, momma ended up with 5 shirts, 2 pair of pants and SHOES....oh, wonderful shoes! Now, I might have to change my mind on what I'm wearing to court...

BECAUSE YOU KNOW MOMMA'S GOING LOOKING HOT! With an attitude of: This is what you lost buddy!

I mean I'm not a model or anything close to that but I dare him to try and find someone like me! Please try!

I just keeping thinking of "The Color Purple" were Whoopi tells him something like: "Until you do right by me everything you think about is going to come crashing down!"

He blames everyone else for whatever it is...whether it's the people at work or me...well, good luck in blaming me in the future!

Oh, the drunk that he's hanging with...worked with STBX...just got fired from the job! He went to CHina for the company and was charging stuff on the company credit card...oh, like going to the strip clubs...and other stuff from what I found out!

OH, I had a great thougth today...when I get home I will have the WHOLE CLOSET to myself...MY SHOES, MY CLOTHES! That will be so AMAZING! I wouldn't have to share the bathroom countertop with anyone and my endtable and kitchen counter will be clean...no tools, no trash, no useless paper...

I am going to eat this up...MY HOUSE WILL ALWAYS BE CLEAN, well, except for the kid's room! Oh, well, that's kid zoned anyway...a enter at your own risk kind of thing...LMAO

Yeah, I AM going to be alright...I look forward to it...

GOd, I owe SO much to everyone here...hugs and more hugs!

Strivn,

Your welcome, glad you pick out some thing of value. I am just laughing you have such a wonderful attutide!!! Your truly a dear, dear heart. Really you are!!!

Since he has so many hyper-grievences about you. Well then just agree with him... Allow him delusions. It's OKAY!

When your no longer around he will have less to gripe about won't he. Tell him to have some patience, be cooperative, good. That way he won't have to be concerned about you much longer, one less person off his list.

Get him to see the benefits. Getting hostile with you, just isn't worth the time in the joint. Tell him your sorry you couldn't speed things along. Since your the problem, you'll out of his life in no time.

Really, who can stand being around that kind of negative personality all the time. Yawn, yawn, yawn!

There are plenty of other people out there who will appreciate and enjoy your friendship just as you are!!!

In fact, you could be signing up for slow pitch baseball league just for fun & meet some really nice down to earth real people, that are secure with themselves, have kids.

Love doing camping, family outings, picnic's, reading books by the camp ground, fishing, motor cycling riding, enjoying life....Chilling!!!

You know what, it is wonderful to have the entire whole closet to one's self. It's nice to enjoy ones' space in peace, no tension.

Slower, gentler, mellower, relaxing, hushed quiet, lifestyle. Nice to keep the world at arms length!!!

Loved Whoopi line!

Kids zone is definately their zone to enjoy.... messy is good! Messsy is creative. Messy is lived in. Kids having fun.

Here's to more new shoes in the closet for you and your sons!!!! Clothes TOO!

Good Morning Sky!

I'm still not sleeping well at night...I find I'm still dreaming about him...sometimes it's dirty looks...this weekend I dreamed that F made the front page of the newspaper...he was receiving an award for something...

STBX was thanking me for giving hima copy of the newspaper...he was being SO nice...

I had to get on the boys this morning for being rude to each other and L was being smart mouth...the thought crossed my mind "how are you going to deal with this boys by yourself?" Then, I thought about it, I was really dealing with them by myself anyway...

But STBX did help displine them...

I try to stay positive and my biggest complain was how negative STBX was all the time...your right when you said Who can stand to be around that attitude all the time...

I have really wanted to call him and let him know what's really on my mind about comments that he has made but I have controlled myself and haven't done it. Like the comments to our friend about him getting rid of that problem...

Like I said I have wanted to but haven't allowed myself...I think that it's pointless...I mean the few times I have talked to him, he's being nice...still hasn't called to talk to the kids or anything...

Last time they talked to him was last Sunday...there are things that really get me down and that I'm struggling with...but for the most part I'm looking at this whole thing as something positive...

Let him have his delusions...I'm doing the best that I can with that...I just keep thinking about something I said right before I left: I told him that I thought he was the healthy one and I was the sick one.

I wonder how I can think so positivily of myself and then still be thrown down in other areas...

I guess as time goes by that I will prove to myself that I can raise these boys without him backing me up, without him being around all the time...Sometimes I think that my "self-esteem" hasn't taken a hit but then I know it has because of the way I doubt myself from time to time...

I was forever doubting myself, thinking that I was the problem, like with the Friends not coming around comment, I tried really hard to make our friends feel welcome when they came over...I was told that I'm not a people person like he is...

That he can make friends with anyone...strangers...so, I have to admit that I worry about being about to make new friends...

Like I said I'm sure that will all come with time...it's scary...

I'm really worried about what will happen with court and you know it's not really what the judge has to say, it's what he'll do...I'm sure that the judge will give the kids to me and we can move back into the house...it's what he'll do when he finds this out...

I hear him in my head saying it's easier for you to find a place to stay then me...you and the kids can go find an apartment...blah, blah, blah...I hear him and I wonder what crazy thing(s) will he do...

I just have to know in my heart that it wil be okay, I mean he did back down since I left...but I still feel like I have to watch my back...

LOL...I have even thought if something does happen to me how would you guys find out...who would let you all know...just another example of my sick thinking, I guess...

Well, I've rattled on enough this morning...need to get some work done...thank you all for just letting me say what's on my mind...

Rin,

Don't bother confronting STBX about things he's said. I questioned my STBX this weekend about things she's said recently and she naturally turned it all around. She was misunderstood, misconstrued, taken out of context, blah,blah,blah.

So if you want to know how he will answer just look above. That's what he's gonna say.

Also good for you, bad for the boys...STBX having no contact. Even knowing he has court soon he continues to dig his hole. My STBX was doing the same thing, but since her A consult she's pulled a 180. Now she's mother of the year, completely cooperative, and acting almost sane.(still plenty of babble) Anyway, your STBX is going to look horrible in court. I don't see how a judge in a mother state would even consider giving him the house. I'm thinking you'll get joint with you domicilary, the house, and a reasonable amount of CS.

This is bad for the boys only b/c they're not getting the father figure they deserve. I'd actually rather see you get LESS b/c he is a GOOD father, not MORE b/c he is a BAD one.

But, that's his choice and you know what he chose. Not your problem.

Just my 2 cents. That's about all it's worth.

Quick French Lesson:
Ill Ca Savo Pas La Merde
(He ain't worth a sh1t)

This part is pretty cool. My house has never been cleaner. Even DD19 is keeping her sty a little cleaner when she's home on the weekends.


I'll see if I can borrow that dress from J Lo after my court day tomorrow and send it to you.

Strivn, you take care of yourself and please be safe. You are going to emerge from this nightmare with a whole new good world before you.

BC- WOW, I use to call it fog but it seems with our WS it's more the norm...You're right, I don't see a point in wasting my breathe on questioning him. AND IT IS very sad that he's not interested in them...of course, that doesn't really surprise me either from his past behavior...

Chris- You'll have to FEDEX EXpress it to me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I'll do my best to be safe and thank you SO MUCH for the support!

Rin,

Well you can only control what you do. That is it. Right.

What do you say now about worrying? Something like "Worrying is like hoping/praying for something you don't want." I think that is what you are saying.

Let's face it you picked the STBX for a reason.

Have you read "Getting the Love you want" By Hendrix.

I know you like reading so this may be a good book for you.

Gave me a lot of self discovery. This is the Imago book.

Anyway when you don't have to deal with the unpleasentries that your STBX produces he doesn't seem that bad. LOL

I think that is why they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. You start to remember the good more then the bad. AT least in my world.

It will get better for you. Little by little. You will find people to surround your self with. Good friends.

The thing is you are the type of person that can make deeper conections. People can see your warts and still like you. It is not a surface thing.

With the STBX he probably can have a lot of people that like him but few that KNOW him and like him.

Keep your chin up your boys need it.

Striv!!!

Thanks for sharing what was on your heart. I too, didn't sleep the best, having frustrating back spasms tensions.

I needed to wake up, stretch out, get my mind off it, thought I would write to you instead. Glad I did. Slept much better actually.

I don't use painkillers or anything. Takes a little longer to settle down.

While reading your post, I found my self re-connecting with my inner most feelings. I actually felt at your age during that particular timeline/ with my xh. Healing actually.

Woke up this morning, thought their is nothing worse than being in a bad relationship living/dealing with someone who is mentally ill.

All the secondary associated feelings of apprehensions, anxieties one feels and coping measures one needs to develop, just to protect one' own mental well-being, children& function in real life.

Definite, distinction definitely needs to made. Otherwise, you just are continuing doubting/or trying to prove yourself when dealing with the unreachable.

Sometimes it is just getting out of the way. Your right your dealing with your sons alone. No point arguing, with someone that is that sick. Wouldn’t matter who they were with their sickness follows them. You didn’t cause it, cannot cure them. Cannot look to them for any validation.

They have very little to give or offer& cannot....

Bottom line, normal healthy reasonable people don’t behave in these ways, and don’t’ make you feel so bad at yourself. It’s really the quality of the experience with that person. Not not your fault….

Parts of you grieve, for that person you bonded with deeply, when they were well or had periods of wellness. Here lies the confusion of loss. Difficult to wrap our brains around that one.

Sometimes, it is necessary to step out of our denial, thinking they are normal. Coming to terms, accepting mental illness in their partner. Approaching them in a whole different manner.

Dealing with mental illness, the greater caregiving roles falls on the shoulder of the healthier partner.

So it’s how I see it based on my personal experiences with xh.

You will be okay, no one really prepares us for these types of challenges. You definately have tough challenges to watch out for.

Struggling with someone who is mentally ill, isn't easy, the illness has consumed that person you once loved....that's the big let down.

They need care structures beyond what you can humanly provide.

You& your sons have the rights to a normal healthy life. You also have the right to heal from the destructive impact of living with someone having mental illness.

Need to run for now…. I’ll talk to you later… Your doing wonderfully!!!!

Hi Frog, I hear you...

I think I read that book...I don't remember much about it TBH...

i know that I picked him to for a reason...I remember thinking that i hoped he would meelow out as he got older...that was in the beginning of our R...

And, you are SO right about people not KNOWING him...even his BF...

I will keep my head up...

I believe I finally found a book to explain why I have felt the way I have al these years...the love/hate relationship that I've felt...

It talks about his charactertics and mine...how my world revolved around him and the kids...why I would stay home all the time...the self-doubt...how I can find a healthy R in the future...it's giving me a alot of hope and reinforcement in what I'm doing is right...

IT talks about the ups and owns...even why I question why I've stayed for so long...

All the questions that I've been asking myself are being answered in this book..."Honeymoon Mania" by Donna Canfield...

Everything that CJ and I have talked about it right there in that book...why I would want to leave and didn't...

It's been a difficult to read but helpful in so many ways...

Oh, why I stopped dreaming about getting my Master's...just SO MUCH...

I have faith that I will pull through this and become better for it...somedays are better than others, but I've survive this...

LOL...I'm learning what clothes "I" like now...what shoes "I" like...that's cool...and it's a start! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Skylites,

you could send that post to half the people on this forum. I've noticed that most of our WS's are similar even when outside the fog. They're all for the most part life long narcissist. They've gotten worse through the years and these Affairs have sent them into warp speed progresion. I don't know if there's any hope for those personality type's. There definately seems to be a pattern with savable marriages. Those that are saved seem to be the one's where the WS's were pretty normal people before the A. After the A they return to normal. The mentally ill just seem to continue to spiral.

So cool post!!

WOW Sky, I so missed that post...had not it been for BC...LOL


Well, i think that sums it up! I think that BC and I can understand better why we are still "in love" with part of that person...it's the well part of them...the part that we fell in love with...the person I cherish...

I never really looked at him as being mentally ill ut in reality I guess that's exactly what I'm dealing with...not to much different than BC's WW...

BC-I was thinking for a large part of the year that WH was in the fog...when in reality this was who he was and I didn't want to accept that...thinking in my mind, no, he can't be treating me this way on his own, it's a result of the A...

THe A was just a symptom of the real problem at hand...

Frog was the one that helped me look at the bigger picture...

I was looking for "THAT" pattern...it's a shame that it took STBX breaking glasses for me to start seeing one!

Thanks again Frog! Your sitch helped me out alot...LOL...

:::whispering:::

Along with his wisdom!...but don't tell him that! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />