Where oh, Where is PM and AmI? I have that excerpt for you in here...

Rin,

Thanks for the kudo's.

I think the hardest thing after an A is putting things into perspective.

Watching as a fly on the wall our own existence without emoiton.

The patterns that exist. Then deciding if the other person in the M shows a consistent pattern of behavior that shows change.

It is/was hard on the FWW to change. I think in some cases the WS just realizes after the cards have been played they just messed up a really good thing.

I mean I could put up with a lot and did but she chose the one thing I wouldn't tolerate. The one thing that finally made me realize it was broken and needed fixed.

In your sitch your WH needed to change and that didn't happen.

I am glad you made the decesion to demand change. To respect yourself.

To me that is what this whole recovery is about.

CAN I LOOK MYSELF IN THE FACE IF I STAY WITH MY FWS?

If not then I need to leave.

I think based on you rsitch you couldn't. That is why you are a success.

Well, you're right, Frog...

I think that if I had done somethings different that the outcome may have been different...perhaps not led to where I am today...

like the first time he showed up at work, I could have called the police or had my boss tell him that he was not allowed to disrupt my work environment, that would have stopped the repeated leaving his job to come to mine...

But since we can't changed the past...LOL

At least I know that I will not deal with that in the future...

I think I made a good choice and I appreciate you hanging with me this past year! You hold a special spot in my heart! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You could have but that may not have changed the outcome.

Some people resist change because they don't think they are the ones that need to change.

If after an A the WS/FWS never loses the I was entitled attitude then the M will probably end.

I keep saying the same thing lately. The A exposes the warts on the M. The problem is usually both the FWS/WS and BS have them. I see that in a lot of cases the FWS/WS is fine with pointing out the BS warts just not seeing their own.

My FWW's A woke me up, made me realize change was in order. I wonder today if she regrets her A not for any other reason then she really had it good before that. She controlled the M and got what she wanted, when she wanted, and how she wanted.

Now I don't do that.

Hey, Rin.

Sorry, I saw the snippet from the papers, just didn't have a response.

The quote you included sounds like you're asking for the RO to become permanent.

My guess, is, then, that you are going to have to prove abuse. In which case, I'd give your A's everything that you can remember, even if you don't remember dates. They will know what they can use or not. I would not expect them to be able to use everything because too much starts sounding like you're just piling on. They will know what judges down there want to hear and see for proof.

It also sounds like LA law allows you to get a faster D if there is an RO in place. So that may put you on the 180 day track.

Sorry, I wish I had something more informative and useful to post. It does sound like you're filing for cause, related to abuse. The outcome of the R.O. will have a lot to do with that. I'm worried that he will say "she was willing to break the RO herself, so how scared of me can she really be?" (that one time when he said he's "playing by your rules"). You'll need to be prepared for him to say you're making it all up and you're the dangerous one, suddenly disappearing, taking the kids with you, etc.

I'm praying for you!

-AmI.

LOL...Frog...we know what mine decided...he didn't like me and said that there was NOTHING wrong with him...OKay...that's all I need to know! End of story!

Next adventure please! LMAO

AMI... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, I'm hoping...best case, 180 days...worse care...365 days...I figure I win either way...I'm out! Like you said I'm trying to give my A everything I can remember, but I'm running out of time...

There's one important date that I can't find...he was on his way home and we were on the phone...well, he throw the phone down and I heard him say that he could strangle me...

I'm just running out of time! I'm in the second round of going through my notes and I'm in AUgust...

Strivn, BC...

Ditto, ditto, ditto. When someone is so severely mentally ill, they do get worse. Not every wayward spouse is severely mentally ill.

My ex was terrible in his 20, 30, 40 he'll be 50 in a few yrs.

Dv doesn't solve everything either, just if one is fortunate not to have children. The problem, the illness which never gets dealt with it, simply becomes shifted, re-arranged.

Unfortunately, they are always on the parameter of your life/ more ill.

Strivn,

Question? What prevents you from moving home to your parents?

They live in another state! I have a great job here am supporting myself and the kids without any help right now.

Thinking about the pro & cons overall environment for you & children? Bigger Picture.

Not sure what your parents are like???

I wished my parents were healthy/safe enough to have lived with them when my babies were so young.

I would have never looked back. Hoped my xh would have disappeared showed up well maybe when the kids were in their 30 or something.

If my xh were healthy good father, could be a good role model we would alternate /share no problem & be good parents.

Thinking about the pro& cons...

1) Having grandparents extra support for the kids activities. Especially, when the kids are sick.

They probably miss their grandkids/kids missing them.

2) More disposable income to travel wonderful places with the kids in a carefree manner. Adventures/ shopping!!!

3) More funds available to get your masters, having the kids needs met/start a college fund for them?

4) More opportunities to re-build your lifestyle with.

5) Could save for an incredible D/P get a new wonderful house/condo...

Just trying to present a bigger picture, more options.

Well, my mom has seen the kids five or six times in their lifetime...My SD has only seen them once...

Oh, the problems of choosing to be in an interracial relationship...my chose and I WAS happy with it...

Now, they are REALLY support...

My Dad and SM are very poor, give you the shirt off their back great people...no room, my HB is living with them, after they got him out of jail...and my HS is barely making it on her own...

I'm the oldest, of course, have always been responsible...tried to be a role model to my HS and HB...MOF, my SM told me once that my dad doesn't worry about me because he knows that I will be fine...I have always been an independent person for the most part...

One of the reasons why I'm feeling more comfortable in my own skin these days! LOL I have always been a go getter...

I worked three jobs one summer to pay for my college and two during college...

I met STBX, and stood my ground on finishing college, no kids until then...I graduated in May...I was pg in Sept., we Med in Feb., and F was born in June...

I choose to walk down the isle and I knew that STBX was talking to OW, states away...still made my choice...in 02' I had L, STBX said that I pushed him into having another child that he really didn't want, has said that he wouldn't give L up for the world now...

And, here I am today, countless affairs ("open" marriage thing) later on both our parts...some I wanted to participate in and others I didn't but did it anyway...I was scared that he would leave me...

Here in the last two years, I have felt that I could support myself and the kids...I had thoughts of getting out of this M a few years ago...that's when I think things really started picking up the pace...STBX talked to OW...I was fighting for just me and him...fighting his EA, come to find out last April, PA...

And today, looking forward of my future and taking control of my life again...

I just finished reading my book and the end talked about identifing an abusive man, and what a healthy relationship looks like...

I KNOW that I will be fine...I KNOW what I want out of a relationship in the future and I firmly believe that I'll be healthy enough to say "NO, I'm not goign that route again!"

I am feeling really good about my choices and the direction that I'm headed...REALLY GOOD!

My SPon. and I talked when I got home...she asked if I was worried about anything coming up this Friday at court...and to my surprise I said no, I'm feeling pretty good about it!

I told her I was practicing what CJ told us too! ANd then, well, Sky, you ahve realy helped with "Let him have his delusions!" So, I'm feeling great...just an inner peace today!

Oh, I have to laugh about this one...I was reading the stages of recovery and it was saying that it may take up to five years to work through these...well, Spon. says "Well, Rin, I think that you have that covered!" We were both laughign and joking about how I'm looking at the positives of single motherhood...room in the closet, the bathroom, changing the paint color in the bathroom, a new shower curtain in the boy's bathroom...

I could really go on...I ahve been secretly wanting this for a long time, but I kept telling myself I didn't get Med to get Ded...

Well, I was talking to my stepdad the other day and I told him that I still have the opportunity and to celebrate being Med for 25/30 years...that goal is not out of my reach...

This whole sitch has given me the opportunity to get my footing again...and now I just have to work forward my new goals...

LOL...Who said that there wasn't going to be some bumps on the way...I've learned alot from those bumps! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank YOU for letting me share...I enjoy talking to all of you!

Strivn,

Wow, what a story cycle! Thank you, for sharing& clarifying!!! I do get the bigger picture of what pertains to you & understand. Get it, connected the dots!

Totally respect where you are coming from. Congratulations in really trying to come too terms with your own dysfunctional broken family dynamics& enmeshment issues your trying to sort through.

Going home really is not a option for you. Understand your rationale reasoning here& uncomfort.

Yeah, it pays off to be self- directed doesn't it. Taking charge of want you want.

Understand more of the messy complications with your stbx relationships. Coming from a broken family on both sides, lots of pain.

Sounds like your stbx is determined to keep the family dysfunctional cycle going full steam ahead.

Guess I learned at very early age by observation of my parents transparent sick messed up lives, other dysfunctional families that certain lifestyles choices consequences brought unhappiness, misery, severe mental illness addictions to cope.

I don't like to play headgames, or play with people's emotions. One thing my ex trusts about me& still does, I do play fair/straight. He, all his women also know quite clearly, if they want to be together. GO ahead.

I just wanted the dv, fair rightful formalities out of the way. Just exclude me out of the tri-angluations. My personal boundry. I have always tried to set for me.

No need to be nasty on his part. Leave my children alone/out of the mess. Because I am not his MOTHER, to come running to when he/gf's break up. Pattern.

On a lot of levels, based on those reasons, it is for the best my xh I are dv. We were never full compatible, because we don't share the same core values, & have different priorities.

Equally not good for xh to be around a person like me. I adhere to different traditional martial/family values.

Nor is it good for me to be around a person like ex, who has extreme untraditional values. We are extremely mutually polarized. Causes frictions btw us. I agitate his nerves, I am the problem to HIM on those levels. He has freedoms of rights too.

I have actually sincerely apologized to him.

It is better for xh to be with women who are exactly like him, on his levels committed to their dysfunctional lifestyles. They just feed into a different segment of the population of anti-social concerns.

With your stbx hostility/antagonisms levels so entrenched. Can you see where he is coming from?

I hope you can just free the guy & yourself as soon as possible. Maybe, he will see that going through legal channels, getting the paper work done, structure in place is a saner alternative way to go.

Have you ever seen the movie Riding in Cars with Boys? Saw it along time ago. Good film/good msg!!!

Co-existing is the most difficult part.

You really have come such a long way... Doing WONDERFULLY!

Thank you Sky, I appreciate you and your time...hope that you are feeling better today!

No, I haven't seen that movie...

A couple of things to share...

I stopped my the mechanic yesterday afternoon...not good! I'm going to have a NICE mechanic bill for brakes, rotors, and the oil pan gasket...

Good new...I got a raise, which will go into effect may 1st. Did my evaluation this morning, I got a 90% this go around...said I've really stepped up to the plate!

Great news about the raise.

See girl, you are stronger. Not only stepping up to the plate for yourself and family but also for your job - I know how hard that is.

Keep up the great work.

Rin,

Congrats!!!!!!!

So nice to see others value you.

Sorry about the car though.

Rin, sorry I missed this! Where is the excerpt?

PM, it's on page 43, about halfway down.

Okay, thanks. Yep, Rin you're asking for a permanent RO as opposed to a temporary (TRO), the basis of which I guess was the abuse, etc... which by my reading, does entitle you to a faster D.

Just have all your ducks in a row at the hearing because Judge won't grant it unless he's SURE you're in danger or at risk and not just a vindictive STBX (and we all know THAT is not the case!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

E and Frog - Thank you, looks to me like I'm on the up and up. Just goes to show you that MY HIGHER POWER is looking out for me...

Thank God!

As far as the car repair, well it should have been done long ago! I am making it a pripority because I don't want to endanger my life or my kids lives. Regardless of the D, I still need something to drive around safely in...

PM- Thank you so much...I'm looking forward to my meeting today at 2pm with my A too see what he has to say...

I would love to get this whole mess over with...

[b] [color:"red"]CONGRATULATIONS!!!! [/color]

[color:"blue"]YEAH She scores a RAISE !!![/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"red"] Sorry about the car...good for you...having it repaired!![/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

[color:"blue"] You have the ball rolling down the right progress lane!!! [/color] <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />