Thanks SKy,

I just finished my second round through my notes, made copies and will be headed to my meeting shortly...

have to rap up some things here at work!

Mosta Toasta Welcome! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Best regards all goes wonderfully!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Well, STBX is claiming that I'm the who*e of Babylon...

STBX's laywer will be asking for a continuous for Friday...

My A and his A will be meeting this week, My A will be asking for CS, and intermin support...

STBX is claiming that it's my fault that I had an A several years ago, and can call in the witness...

I'm claiming abuse...sexual abuse...that he pretty much prostitued me out...not to mention the DV...

So, we're still unsure if we're going for fault or no fault right now...

I just sit back and wait for the call from my A this week...

I'm a confused, nervous wreck but I expected nothing less from STBX...to turn this around...like I'm the one who went out looking for sex with OP...

I'm the bad guy...

Okay, I'm practicing..."Your POV is differnt from mine! I do not feel that way!"

Rin,

I'm just going off of the glimpses you give here, but I don't have a lot of confidence in your attorney....

a month-old TRO request that hasn't been in front of a judge yet,

no specific strategy in place yet,

you having to wait on calls, paperwork to be filed or served ....

and now they're going to allow your STBX's attorney to continue a hearing regarding where you live? When you're huddled up in someone's guest room?


I don't know LA law, and of course I don't have all the facts, but from my end, it sure sounds like your lawyer is not doing everything they can for you.


As far as the filing and your STBX's claims ... I think I'd ask the attorney: does fault affect the distribution of assets or child custody? If all it does is get the D over faster, would it benefit you to just admit to your A? I think admitting to it would give you a chance to show that STBX "condoned" it by staying with you long after her A came to light. That might take some wind out of his sails and knock the feet out from under his case. That's all just a wild guess, though -- you'd have to ask a good attorney about that.

And if your attorney is not going to fight the request for a continuance, then he ought to at least get an agreement in place to get you and the kids back in the house, first.

Yuck. This D stuff can sure get ugly sometimes.

-AmI.

I can see where that might hurt your fault case, but I don't see how it could affect your custody or living arrangements. You've demonstrated what you needed to in those regards. Hopefully, this just means you might have to wait the full year instead of six months.

I'm praying for you

I agree with AmI. And... they're talking apples and oranges. How does ANYTHING you may have done (short of DV) have to do with HIS DV and the DANGER and you being in FEAR of your life?

Nuh-uh. Obviously the Judge felt there were enough grounds to issue a TRO, so how the heck can the other side ask for a continuance-- unless everyone is thinking the existing TRO is working as is until things are settled. Rin, you need to make it CLEAR to your attorney (and then he to the other attorney and the JUDGE if need be) that you are just SURVIVING in your current living arrangements and that these kids need a more stable place to live (your home!) more than WH does and that you need $$ from WH.

Arghhh... (((Rin)))

The other laywer will not be in town that day...

If I agreed to saying I cheated on him the only thing I think it would effect is alimony...

Strivn,

If you change your mind, I can help you write some more direct lines. (Shhhhhh......don't tell CJ)

Thanks Chris...I felt like a whipped puppy right now!

(((((RIN)))))

I'm sorry, I hope I didn't contribute to the whipping.
I just get frustrated for you. Not AT you -- just at your whole sitch.

I wish they would hurry up and find a way to make it better for you.

((((Rin)))).

Strivn,

I want to be sure I am factually correct here. You slept with other men not because you had an emotional connection with them and then wanted to make love (an A) but because your STBXH wanted to be swingers, and you did not initiate the idea or even LIKE the idea, but you did it in an attempt to keep the M. Finally, after a while, you said, "NO! No more!" and stopped sleeping with the swinger couples...and even then STBXH wanted to continue being a "single swinger" basically.

Isn't that correct? If so, his own allegations are proof of your sexual abuse, not proof of "cheating"!!!!!

And BTW, I am so sorry he is treating you like this, but let me give you two clues. Clue #1--judges have been around the block a time or two, and have seen and heard it all. I personally suggest that you just tell/explain it to the judge that he pressured you to be a swinger and for a while you did it and felt sick...and when you finally said 'NO' that he then forced you to have anal sex! I know it's kinda embarrassing, but if it's the truth, just tell the truth!! Clue #2--I TOLD you he would say or do anything that it took to get you shook up and get a response from you! What he WANTS you to do is to fly into a rage and say, "I DID NOT DO THAT!!!" and call him names and such, so he can say to his Atty, your Atty and the judge, "See folks. SHE is the problem here not me. She is rageful and look at me, I'm calm." So you GRIT YOUR TEETH and say it!!!!! You've practiced all this time just for this, and now it's time to use what you've practiced: "That may be your opinion, but mine differs GREATLY" and then you calmly allow your Attyh to show the judge how he pressured you to swing and how you were embarrassed but did it anyway to please him.

Finally, Strivn, I want to encourage you dear friend. You are not the only person who did swinging to try to save a dying, abusive marriage. You are not the only woman who allowed her H to do things to her sexually that are now embarrassing to think about or talk about. I did too. So, the past is just that--PAST--and you are the Strivn of today...our dearly beloved friend, worth protecting.

Your true and faithful friend,


CJ

not I felt like that when I left the office...

i haven't left work yet, I'm the only one here and I'm just a complete wreck...

he is not going to let me go easily...he's going to do everything he can to kick me...

Well said CJ!

thanks guys i'm going get my boys and going home...

Rin, I'm with CJ, you tell the truth. The truth shall make you free. I think telling the judge about the forceful nature of your WH's 'request' to have SF with other men will open the judges eyes a bit more to your WH's past behaviors.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. (((((((Rin))))))

That's not entirely true, SL. As a survivor, it IS embarrassing to look back and remember what we allowed someone else to do to us. It IS embarrassing to remember how low we sunk in an effort to keep our husbands. BUT it is the past--that is NOT who we are now. Now, I am a sexual woman but I say no to things that I don't want to do. Now, I am a brave woman and do not allow people to treat me like that--or if they do, they don't stay in my life!

Yeah--when I was in the midst of it, I did things that I am ashamed of now. But I think partially I'm ashamed because I would never, EVER allow someone to do that to me now. Furthermore, I would not put myself in the position to do things I am so morally opposed to!! That is who I am NOW. Same with Strivn. NOW she is too valuable to her own self to allow anyone to treat her like that.


--CJ

Rin,

Just catching up on your post. Have been way to wrapped up in myself lately, sorry.

You are getting great advice i wish i had somehing to add.

Still

Oh, CJ, I still don't see that as shameful. I see it as learning, in a most difficult way, but still learning, even if you learn what you DON'T want or won't deal with, it's still not shameful.

I understand that a survivor may be utterly disappointed in what they allowed to happen. I get that, but I still don't see shame in what you lived through. *I* don't see shame in it is probably how I should have worded it.

My sister was molested during her childhood by two different men, and then went on to have countless poor relationships with boys and men (mostly abusive). She suffered so much. Her poor choices led her to much of what she dealt with, but she did not, and still does not, to some extent, have the clear sight to make better ones. She is trying to get help and I am trying to understand.

{{{{{S}}}}}

TOUGH!

CJ has advised you correctly, given you truths, let it soak in.

Your in trauma right now. Ok to grieve.

Let it be for now. Wrap your self in a warm blanket. Try to get some sleep.