Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
You betta cha! You r sooooo not alone, not alone, not alone!
Brokeness happens, so does healing and transformation! We all have dark spots on our hearts. Each & everyone!!!
Goodness, me I can only imagine, how I would of turned out. If I hadn't become my own good parent to myself. I shudder.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound! Lot of self-will restraints. I wanted better.
Learn from the mistakes of others. You can’t live long enough to make them all yourself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
I just wanted to re-iterate something to you. What your STBXH has done to you via swinging and taking pics of you without your knowledge and consent, is definitely sexual abuse and sexual assault. Frankly, it is probably provable evidence in a court of law. However, it is your decision to decide if you want to take the time and emotional energy to try to prosecute him (and possibly lose) or to decide to just get away. For you emotional health, it is conceivable that it would be in your best interest to just get away from him and his abuse of you. As long as you are engaged with trying to prosecute him, you are vulnerable to more of his abuse.
Sooooo...some folks choose to prosecute and allow their abuser to experience the consequences of breaking the law (and some folks have the strength to do that)--and other folks choose to just get away because they have already had YEARS or sometimes DECADES of abuse and they just want to get the abuse out of their lives.
Whatever YOU decide to do is what we will support you in doing. If you decide that since HE brought it up, you can provide your own evidence and witnesses and prove that it was non-consenting sexual assault--we will support you and give you all the help and assistance we can. OTOH, if you decide you are just DONE WITH HIM and want to get the D over with and end the abuse in your life, we will support you and give you all the help and assistance we can with that!
Either way, you are doing GREAT. He tried to push your biggest button, and you didn't take his bait. You kept you cool, you responded in a healthy way, you got some advice and wise council--you did GREAT!! See how far you've come??
Some commendable adrenalin junkies out there, that have the authority to MAKE MY DAY!
Yup, I am a re-formed tom boy...from wild child/ mild child. Cheekiness from the sidelines allowed... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Highly worth processing Strivn. Why it's a good idea to connect with SAC advisors, to weigh out the pro& cons here... what is good for your over-all well being.
Links back to the orgin of sexual abuse distortion as children. For many victims, re-acting out the powerless child that needed love, attention, approval, protection.
Your stbx there is quite the grifter...con...your not the first to be taken in or the last...
There's a jig song I came across some time ago. Bit a crass. Went ain't that the hard core truth. Thought wow, wouldn't this medley would make a birth control song.
LOL....
Sly/Lyes. Define's (Slime Guy's)
Bacon is bacon.
Eggs is eggs.
Don't let them guys btwn your legs.
They'll say your really pretty & taste mighty fine.
Coz nine monthes later baby, they'll say it ain't mine.
Hello...thank you all for the wonderful support that each of you have provided me...the words of wisdom as well as comfort...
I have learned what intimacy is here...I have learned that it's okay to be honest and that I am accepted for who I am...I have had to hide that for so long...there is a certain amount of shame and embarrassment that comes with that...
Do I feel that I have grown leaps and bounds? Yes, I have!
Do I feel that I have much more to learn? Yes, I do!
I have already started to learn what is acceptable behavior from a spouse and what is not...
The reality of viewing porn, IMVHO is that it depics a way of life that is abnormal...it teaches it's viewer that IT IS normal behavior. ONCE AGAIN, IMVHO the viewer accepts that AS the norm, and expects their partner to participate in abnormal behavior.
I, for one, can relate to the exploitation of woman and the feeling that goes along with that subculture. For in my minds eye, I was nothing more than a trading tool to my STBX to gain gratification of his own desires completely disregarding my safety and my health. His children COULD have been left motherless...
I have had an extemely hard time coming to terms with the abuse, the fact that I had been abused, and find only as I write this that I am accepting what has been done to me at the hands of my abuser little by little. How humbling is that?
I meet with F's SBLC committee at school...his test results are as follows: F's in third grade.
Of course, they do not test for dyslexia or dysgraphia...
I was also given his progress report today, which he did not give me yesterday and looking at his test papers...
He has an F in reading, spelling, and social studies on his progress report! He is refusing to do the work and not studing. His handwriting sample was great.
On the drive back to work, I felt that my stress level had peaked and I could handle no more...
So, I thought about screaming...waver and then DID...at the top of my lungs...
It worked, it relieved some of the pressure because I honestly felt that I was going to lose my mind...
I think that it I continue to express myself in healthy ways like that that I will be fine...
As far as STBX, if I can I am going to chose the path of least resistance...
I have to accept my limits and I can not handle anymore...
After having talked with my IC, I had described an event with my SD that occurred when I was 9. She said to me that it seemed like my SD had taken all of the fight out of me because over the years it was easier to not fight and let things happen...in my eyes it was pointless to fight, I wasn't going to win...
In this case, I can go gently into the night and still win. I believe that I already have...I have won ME...I have won the strenght to say NO, I have had enough...I refuse to be treated like this anymore...
I have the opportunity to live my life as I see fit...to me this is the best love I can give myself...I have learned to true love the person that I am...accept the good and the bad...
I have SO much love to give not only my children, but my friends, and some day that special someone...
THIS IS PLAN A...
I will walk with my head held high, because I love me...I love the way I am inconsistent sometimes, that I don't always have the answer but that I'm willing to look...sometimes not in the right places...
I accept that the God of my understand made me this way for a reason...that he's been by my side EVEN when I didn't want him or think that he was there...
Or when I was imposing MY will and not following his...He still loved me and believed in me...he chose to surround me with special people, like you guys...directed me and guided me...
I am grateful...for my life, my friends, my children (what a gift, I have been given), my world...
I am whole and complete! I AM! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> LOL
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
Somewhere there's a stolen halo I used to watch her wear it well. Everything would shine wherever she would go But lookin at her now you'd never tell. Someone ran away with her innocence; A memory she can't get out of her head. And I can only imagine what she's feelin when she's pray'n Kneeling at the edge of her bed.
(Chrous)
And she says - take me away Then take me farther Surround me now, And hold - hold - hold me like holy water holy water
She wants someone to call her angel, Someone to put the light back in her eyes, She's looking through the faces and the unfamiliar places She needs somone to hear her when she cries.
And she says - take me away Then take me farther Surround me now, And hold - hold - hold me like holy water
She just needs a little help to wash away the pain she's felt She wants to feel the healing hands of someone who understands
And she says - take me away Then take me farther Surround me now, And hold - hold - hold me And she says Take me away Then take me farther Surround me now, And hold - hold - hold me like holy water Like holy water, like holy water, like holy water
It's okay Sky, Frog's been 2X4ing me for a long time...we started out together...I expect that from my big brother...
God...LOL...just think how I would have turned out if I REALLY had Frog in my life...death to us all! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> LMAO
AMI- DID you forget HOW LONG YOU'VE been around...same as me an Frog...a year's coming up! COOL!
LOL...I've had sufficient time to get pi$$ed off at F, calm down, punish L, joke around, eat...punish F...fed the kids...punish L...get F back on track with his punishment...
It's been interesting! AmI and Frog, I'm surprised you didn't have anything to say about F...the parents and all!
Spon. and I were talking and I did a little test on F...after I told her that they don't have a circumulum for handwriting anymore...F can recognize all of the letters that he gets backward...the writing part of the test was legible, puncuated correctly, words were spelled correctly...
He (and I'm getting mad again) just doesn't want to do the work...
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
Soo sorry to hear about your little guy grading... Difficult for kids going through all this. Grand expectations placed on tiny shoulders/broken hearts.
Short attentions spans are prefectly normal. Especially, through any crisis...
Maybe a reward point incentive "star point system" might be more effective. So many points & a nice surprise to cash in on. Toys, or something as a goal... Making learning fun...
Visable, graph you both can do together. Tack on the frig or somewhere. Hand out plenty of "Lickins" licken gold stars...
Rebounder, to bounce on when, they get antsy/pantsy/dancin...
Hey U-tube is working again! Dedicating this song to you! Powerfully written song..... Great msg!!!
Mat Kearney
Girl America
Verse 1 My girl America is just a youth in this world Her smile is more precious than the sparkle of pearls And though her age reads shes just a young girl Age behind her eyes show the pain that she's swirled Through the hand that's been dealt though it's quiet as kept The weight was all felt last night as she slept And as she crept into the dreams of the things of her past seems to have grown so fast, way beyond her own class though they're right there with her, hers brothers and her sisters A natural born leader even when her peers diss her My girl, she's at a crossroads, people praying for her Some are preying on her magazine ad's, sex, drama, smoking marajuana Longing for a father to call her 'daughter' She's part of a generation longing for reconciliation And this future that they're facing and this poison that they're tasting My girl, I know it's love that your chasing
(Chorus) My girl America's crying when she's lying on her bed at night I can see that she's screaming when she's dreaming for freedom My girl America's dying while she's trying hard to stop this fighting Don't stop believing, my girl America
Verse 2 Boys with hungry eyes have been knocking at her door Telling her that's whats she's for, trying to rob her at her core Then leave calling her a ******, but still she knows there's more I know she knows there's more because there's a voice she can't ignore 'Cause it was founded in the foundations, from the day of her creation In God we trust engraved in the treasures of her nation And the void the boys can't fill With the tippin' of the bottle or the poppin' of the pill But still most of her friends don't care as they glare ready to drown the funnel as they frown down the funnel As the stumble and they tumble breaking down into rubble My girl America, can't you see It's not the circumstances that determine who you're gonna be But how you deal with these problems and pains that come your way It's for you that I pray with hope for a brighter day So I say, your deliverance is comin'
(Chorus)
Bridge Faith like a child from your first birth You left it in the dirt on your worst hurt And I see each tear in every scar The hands that have held you where you are And I can see we've strayed so far A king born under that morning star A crown of thorns that was placed to erace Each tear that touched your face His palms and sides were pierced with speres He hung in love just to draw you near My girl not of tis world Can't you see this is where we started
(Chorus) X2
His palms and sides were pierced with speres He hung in love just to draw you near My girl not of tis world Can't you see this is where we started... Where we started....where we started, my girl America
As for F, well, I'm going to use what he likes the most...building, making stuff, arts and crafts...
I'm printing tons of handwriting sheets this morning and I'm going to have F and L do them. I had a long talk with F last night...pretty much told him just because our world's upside down this right not does not give him the right to avoid his responsiblilites...
I said that would be like me avoiding taking care of him and L...I told him that I loved him very much but wasn't happy and very disappointed with his poor choices and behavior with school right now...
He is not allowed to go play with his "girlfriend" in the afternoon and I told him that it I had to put him in summer school then I would find a way to do that too.
I told him that he is failing this nine weeks and that if he doesn't straighten up that he will fail 4th grade next year, and then all of his friends will move on without him.
I am being considerate of the sitch but I will not allow him to use it as an excuse...he is going to be held account for his actions.
It's time for some tough love with the both of them...they can thank me when they get older.
We will make the most of this situation and we will stick together.
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
You did a good job talking to your son. Wonderful job. We cannot drop our responsibilities, we cannot forget about OURSELVES, and school, in the end, if FOR HIM. I liked your analogy that his responsiblity is school as yours is the care of your children.
Just great! I'm still hoping that you can get some of this court stuff over sooner than later.
Me-BS-38 Married 1997; son, 8yo Divorced April 2009
Oh, yeah, that's true your DS and L will BE beginning school this year!
Oh, our babies! :::signing:::
STBX made me follow the schoold bus to school F's first day of school to make sure that he got off the bus okay! I told him that F would be okay, but no...the school was like 1/4 of a mile away from us!
Occasionally the kids and I would walk there, say for voting or something...open house...
LOL
Just one of those things you have to laugh at!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
Kinda toadie thing to say u know~ hole in her head~ ...
I thought it was pretty funny. You must not know me very well (bugs bunny)
Quote
Frogs legs are considered quite a delicacy....
If you want to spend all that time to get the hair off of them they are all yours. Some say even with the Hair my legs look delicious.
Rin, I have had a lot to say just no time to say it. LOL
YOur thread moves so fast sometimes I get lost.
With your son it is normal. My OS is in IC right now. Geez it is expensive.
Trust me when I tell you they have been deeply impacted by the garbage in the home. Mine were.
OS actually admitted playing us against each other when we were fighting and using it to his advantage.
My OS was basically in honors this year we have fought tooth and nail just to get him to C's in non honors courses.
We had a parent teacher conference where everyone called him out. We committed to communicate with each other through weekly progress reports. We have daily homework check where he writes what is homework the teachers sign it then we check it and sign it back.
We just got a progress report that is much better.
I have suspended all video game and computer use. That has been in place for about 3 or 4 months now.
He has no leeway because of all this and he knows it.
Now we are starting to see some over all improvement as well.
This transition has been hard on him. I really feel bad. Just another after effect of my FWW's A.
The nice thing is that the parents were right on with me. The IC was right on with me. So I feel good as a parent.
I just wish I wasn't a conflict avoider. LOL
So the point is that with diligence and hardwork YOU can help turn him around.
I told my OS my most important job is to make him a good student and a good man. I will do everything within my power not to fail at that. So you might as well not fight me.
I like you thought the schools taught that stuff but not as much anymore.
Just be patient it takes time.
The IC told us and our OS to make these changes it is like turning a big tanker ship, you start turning the wheel and it takes a few miles for the boat to start turning and it takes a long time for it to finish turning. But you have to start.
BS 38 FWW 35 D Day 10/03 Recovery started 11/06 3 boys 12, 8 and a new baby
When life hands you lemons make lemonade then try to find the person life hands vodka and have a party.
Okay, Frog, I got you! I just have to be tougher than I was before...
I like what you said to OS about your job to make sure that he turns out to be a good man and a good student...
Just to let everyone know who doesn't read the court thread...
Court has been cancelled for tomorrow until June 7th...because STBX's laywer will be out of town tomorrow...
I'm waiting on a call from my laywer...to see if STBX will agree to CS, and us moving back into the house...looks like we may settle out of court...
I'm hoping to get the call today...it's just nother wait and see...
I'm so nervous...was also if this is a tactic for STBX to buy more time, no agree to us moving back, and then the judge saying "Oh, No, buddy...on june 7th...you have to get out."
I feelt so ignorant with the whole process...not knowing what is going on...
Frog- you asked about mediation, I don't know...I feel like I have no clue as to what is going on...
Like I'm in Limbo land! Frustating!
A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge. Thomas Carlyle
