I think that I just really need to make some friends...someone to do things with...Someone MY age...

The people I do know are NOT around my age...you know bosses, co-workers, then a few people younger than me...

I'm not a "let's go hang at a bar person." Oh, I do have a b-day party to go to Saturday night...some people from my meetings...I was going to bring the kids with me...

IT'S a matter of wanting some companionship...there's a friend from jr. high I could go talk to but he's always liked me and I don't want to give him the wrong idea and JUST hanging around him would do that...

YOU KNOW THE TYPE...all you can do IS look at them at just a friend and they want more...

So join a club for something you like.

There are parents without partner clubs etc. maybe you can find some friends there. My mom met some nice girlfriends then eventually my Step dad there.

I'm lookin'....patience my son, now wax the care...

WAX ON...WAX OFF... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


LMAO LMAO

I was wondering if you can erassure me or tell me what's going on with the continuous and waiting for a phone cell about CS and use of the home?

I mean what process am I in...can you give me some idea of what COULD be happening...

Hey, Rin.

The continuation just means that it will take that much longer to get the case in front of a judge.

And until then, the attorneys are trying to negotiate an out-of-court agreement. It's not binding unless you both agree to it. So your attorney is asking him for CS and use of the house, and his attorney probably has requests that will come back to you. You both have to agree on something, though, for it to happen. That's why you're waiting on a call, to find out if he will agree to let you have the house and if he'll agree to pay CS.

There's a certain amount of pressure your attorney can apply, but not a ton of it. Most of it in the form of "think about how bad this will look when we get it in front of a judge...". But as far as MAKING him ... no one can do that until it goes in front of a judge.

If you (or the lawyers, really) can't come to an agreement, then you just have to wait until the new court date.

Hang in there!!

-AmI.

Hello...

AmI, thank you for clearing that up for me...I really appreciate it...

I figured out why I'm having so much trouble with this sitch it's becasue I have no control over what is happening to me...

I am POWERLESS over the whole thing...the whole NOT KNOWING what lies ahead for me and the kids...

So, thank you for your help...

Also, I began focusing on STBX's stuff and not mine...so today I am dedicating the day to me and recentering...

I went out this morning and went to the bookstore...got a book for the boys on Bible bedtime stories that I look forward to sharing with them...

My SM also called becasue my Grandma wanted my address to send the boys and I some money...we haven't gotten our Christams from her yet...my Grandpa use to do it...so I gave tehm my address and got to talk to my Grandma for a little while...

She asked what had happened and I just told her that STBX was starting to get violent. She's in her late 70's and I just didn't see the need to let her in on all of the stuff...I kinda of teared up when I first started talking to her...she means a lot to me also...

Her and I use to go EVERYWHERE together...she told me that I needed to move over there with them...I had to tell her that there was NO way I would make the money that I am there...I told her HOW MUCH I MISSED her and how she's hard to track down...She's always going somewhere...

It was SO GREAT to talk to her...I updated my SM on the latest and she said that she was feeling a little better, she just got out of the hospital this past week...let me see if I can spell this at least close...pnemona...LOL...not even close...

Well, i got me a new book "The Sexual Healing Journey; A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse." I'm looking forward to it...I read a little while I was at the store...

Now, it makes sense on why I tried to avoid SF...staying up late...why it felt like something I HAD to do...and how to work on changing that...i just figure since I'm unable to see an IC right now and I can at least try to idenify and work on some of these things myself...

I plan to be very gentle with myself...approach the runway very carefully, turn wide and slow...no rush, I mean I do have plenty time to take care of me...

Outside of that I'm going to lay in my comfy bed, turn on the tv, and relax...if I fall asleep, so be it...it's be good to Rin day...

I can't allow myself to spiral...that's me creating drama and I DO NOT need or want anymore drama in my life...

Thank you all for your time and I always appreciate your kind words and inspiring hearts!

Strivn,

Super you found a great book to minister to your wounds. Nice that your connecting with GM. Wonderful, she going to assist you& your precious sons.

Terrific in just focusing on your self. Tuning out stbx...

Congratulations in all your steps. I too, hope you'll be able to connect with your own age peer group. Maybe, once things settle down more for you.

Probably, your community newspaper will have local activities to join. Or volunteer projects that you and your sons could all enjoy doing together.

I did that for yrs, with my kids. When hardships hit from my xh, I guess the problems just didn't have as great of impact. We had so much fun.

My daughter told me today, how grateful she was we seldom watched TV back then. We're constantly super busy with all kinds of activities. She was just a little bummed out this wk, as she found herself glued to the TV lately, not doing as much as she'd like too.

I had a good laugh actually,& said I probably was in mega conflict avoidance state maybe a little too over busy with all of us. Better to stay active, productive than hang around fight with xh.

So the kids/I tried not to be home much. Didn't want him to have that kind of looming "isolation power" over us. He had us under his thumb. Life with my xh during those days was horrible enough.

Living in a city does has it's advantages that way. Filled our time, with church, zoo, parks, farms visits, library, shopping, mom/kids groups, swimming, scouts, arts programs, coached sports teams, joined family friendly community causes, the list goes on...amount of different people we met were fabulous.

As the kids had more kids to interact with. I took all kinds of eve classes. Took courses in alternative health, gourmet cooking, sewing, photography, hair cutting, helped alot of my friends promote their businesses, started live music clubs, got into fashion design launches, etc...

Made sure the kids& I had lots of diversity. LOL.

Of course really tried to have marriage with my xh, we did alot of things as a couple, etc, not all kids world. Xh just has a knack of knowing how to ruin things.

I was done ready, more than ready too dv. Ex had such a selfish& self centered attitude. I discovered another affair.

Rocked my world again. Wow was that painful. I was done with him. I found out the affair by accident.

I contacted the ow, turned out I actually knew her from my former HS. Told her if she wanted xh she could more than have him as he totally brought us down. Take all his anger, garbage& hardships with him/her...

Turned out she had broken up with him, because of his anger issues. I begged/pleaded she should take him back. But she had a another new boyfriend.

When I confronted xh-he was blown away about my conversation with his gf (he was trying to get back with.) Stunned how I actually found it about it...

He begged/pleaded for forgiveness, wanted to go for counceling with the pastor. I didn't want to reconcile, farthest from my mind. I just was not in love with him. Realised I wasn't in love with xh, for many yrs. How could I be????

When he wasn't there for me or our children. What is their to love about the guy& after being so mistreated. He just made everything feel worse, more painful! I felt like a full time nanny...that's ok as I adore my kids and don't regret all the wonderful things we did. They were worth it& more!

Did ended up in a intervention treatment program through our doc. Ex spent a yr in AA. He lasted one yr. Went back to his crap...

I ended up spending two yrs in alanon... so life just went on. I am not sure how I did all I did& me the kids. Thinking back I reflect was that really me????

Life still sucked for us, in having xh being a horrible, terrible person. Making life pretty miserable for us overall. I pretty much worked a home based job, so I could be with/around my kids. Pretty much what life was like with my xh in my 20/30..the 40 have been something else....

I went out last night for awhile at our local resturant, had a nice time chilling, ordered t/o pizza/salad spent time relaxing. Up early this morning.

Starting to Yawn, feeling tired out, long wonderful day outdoors. Had the gang over today, cooked a big luncheon we enjoyed outdoors.

We all did an awesome job in getting the yard work done& planted two new trees.

Here I thought wow, my yard after so many yrs with dogs, kids the yard is suddenly normal.Peacefully serene. As I was taking all the leaves/stuff out to the back lane, with the kids. All of the sudden there is this cute but very lost adorable little dog by my gate.

So I scooped him up, sooooo adorable, brought him in the yard, got him some water& bit of dog food I had left over from my dog. I had to put down last month.At least he had his tags on. Tried to contact his owners, the vet office was closed.

Tried, checking in with the neighbors, and met some of my new neighbors, none of them are missing a dog.

So were keeping him until Monday. He is the most chilled, calm, layed back, coolest little dog...

You know what, so nice without my xh here yelling/screaming making life uncomfortable with his big ego trippin & making the kids& I feel constantly bad about ourselves.

Have a very cozy evening& hope your book brings you new insights& freedoms....

In my prayers!

WOw, Sky, thanks for sharing...good luck with the little dog...

I've been lucky enough to have my Spon.'s dog with me...


On another note:

We've been out of the home 52 day today...STBX was served 39 days ago...by the next court date it will be 90 days...

I prefer no to talk to STBX especially after I heard the last [email]cr@p[/email] that he's trying to pull...

THat's the great thing about abuse...you're shocked everytime to hear the crazy words from him...

I'm not like that, I don't even like woman...and I wonder HOW can he say these things...how can he say THESE horrible, terrible things about me...I think "he doesn't know me at all!" THen I think it's just a matter of him being mean...

The money that my Grandma is sending is our Christmas and Easter money...she gives some to all of the great grandkids...sometimes the grandkids...I was their frist grand kids and to top it of I was the first girl...she had four boys...

So I was spoiled growing up...I'm happy for her support, as well as all the other people in my life, including here...

I'm kind of in a wierd place this morning...I wake up in the middle of the night sereval times and I find that my thoughts are filled with STBX, the D, and what's going on...

I'll stay up for a few minutes and then head back to bed...up every hour ot two...

I actually thought yesterday whether or not I was lovable or not...I mean I think that I'm lovable...I'm a good person who got caught up with someone not so good...influenced to do things that I didn't want to do...became a person that was not me because I was supposed to be this other kind of person...

I KNOW that there are people out there that will accept me for who I am...I've already seen it but I'm not sure why I was thinking this...I have made some new friends with my group...same thing as work a little older than me...some really great people...

I dated one other person before STBX...then I've spend the last 13 years with him...HE really screwed up with his A...that's what shocked me into moving forward...

I was reading that if you are under the influence of drugs are alcohol than you have not fully given your consent to SF...same thing with sleeping...I can't count the number of times that I would wake up and be in the act...ALWAYS EXACT an hour after I went to sleep...

That was mind blowing to me...

I have thought about going back to the Sexual assualt IC that I saw twice...wouldn't cost me anything and at the time I stopped going because too many other things were going on...I had just left the house...

Now, I want to talk about it and get somethings straight in my head...THat IS where I AM the most unhealthy...I believe that I'm ready to face some things and get healthy...

Like TBH women were never an option for me...as a parnter...because I was fullfilled by them...I always knew that I liked men but because of STBX and the comments he would made...I allowed myself to continue even after I knew what I wanted...

Well, when STBX saw that I didn't want to be with OP, male or female, that's when he went behind my back and had his A...so then the argument was on a type of SF...

I can see how he was slowly losing control over the pass four or five years...how I was evolving...

Oh, how many times I heard "You'll Never be happy." Or "If you don't have something to b!tch about your not happy!"

Well, that's just not so...no wonder when I was in a good mood he would start at me with "What's wrong with you?"

I started replying "THere is nothing WRONG with me!" Then I'd hear "Well, it sure doesn't seem like it!" Then I would begin defending myself...

I figure one of these days I need to write a list of things that I will NOT tolerate in another person rather than things I would like in another person...

Well, I'm just rattling on this morning...I do feel better than when I started writing so I guess my work here is done... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Let me see what I can get myself into today! I have to go shopping the kids need some toothpaste, and a few other things so that will get me out of the house for awhile!

Rin,

Isn't it funny that the script is the same. I don't know how many times i heard I'm never satisfied.
That I'm always looking for something to ****** about.
What's sad is that when he said I'm never satisfied.... all I wanted were for some crumbs. A phone call, e-mail just something to let me know he was thinking of me. When in all reality I should of been demanding proper threatment.

Still

Strivn,

Re-visiting sexual assault center about now is an excellent idea...working with a good IC, will gladly assist you in breaking out of the bondage cycle...

Your worth more& deserve a much better life....

Thanks Sky, once again! I apprecaite the support.

I haven't done much today...laid around, read, slept, and watched some tv...going to go to a meeting after while and the boys are gettign picked up at 7...

looking forward to seeing them...

You're most very welcome! And I appreciate, knowing how your doing! Soooo hard, not being in your own environment.

Nice... to hear your just relaxing, finding your serenity, being where you need to be...

Very important, healing fusions... going on. Good your cooperating with your own healing re-connecting process....

You have a "step" to focus on this evening, so this will even facilitate more healing. Hope your sons will be alright...

Since, your reading this book, just some food for thought, as your processing a great deal. You may be interested in exploring & joining a martial arts self defense family orientated program, in your area...

I am cooking dinner & enjoying some of my fav classical music. Feels wonderful to have the majority of the yard wk done.

Keep up all your willingness to grow !!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Coz your scars can turn into stars!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi, Rin!!

I don't have anything of significance to say at all, other than "hi!" Soooooo... "HI!!" (waving) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> I'm glad you're having a relaxing Sunday, and I bet you'll be loving on those boys when they get home!!

I think I'll just giggle with you and still about the "you're never satisfied" script that all of our WS's pulled. Mine did the same thing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> Guess what? I am happy, peaceful, in love and satisfied today--and I have been for months on end.

Huh...whaddya know. Guess I CAN be satisfied...

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Have a great Sunday. We love ya! (((((Rin)))))

Your faithful friend,



CJ

HI, all, I am so grateful for all of your support...and words of wisdom...

Still- I COMPLETELY understand...and I believe that one day I will be in a similar place to CJ...YOU, my dear, will be too...I recommend that you watch your p's and q's for getting stuck...what a horrible place to be stuck, for anyone...

Sky- As far as the boys well, let's see F spend both nights at HN!'s house and L spent the first night there...not to mention that they were allowed to play in the bayou "MUD DIVING"...at least they were feed and had their bath...

STBX was around, but from what I understand they spend a great deal of time at both neighbors houses...just more proof that STBX is unab;e to care for his boys BY himself...

More time to hang himself with him wanting custody...

CJ- Thanks for recommending that material when we talked...I printed it and will be looking over it later...I tell you what I'm in a great place for recovery...Al-Anon...

I have tons to be grateful for in finding that group...it's amazing how you can apply the steps to all areas of life...

Well, I'm going to read a little while and then "TRY" to head to bed...LOL...I may have slept to much today but I was so tired...oh, well, I enjoyed it and that's what matters...

Here's an advantage to moving back into the house...HNs will not be spending time with the kids...

I'm looking foward to this weekend, the kids and I will be going to a "REAL" crawfish boil here in town! Hurray!

Once again, I ask very kindlt to pray for the kids and I to be allowed to move back home...I understand that if we don't that God has a better plan for us...still I ask and while your at it...I still continue to pray that the Good Lord breaks my STBX...not like PM's but more like a horse or dog gets broken...LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey Strivn,

Big props to you for making it through another weekend by yourself. You are doing great taking care of yourself and addressing the areas in your life where you still need healing.

My prayers are with you and your kids, that you would be able to go home, and that God would do a great and mighty work in your life as well as your STBX.

There is no one that God cannot reach, no heart He cannot change!

Oh, E, thank YOU, that was very touching...I appreciate you and your kind words...

You know when I first started going to my meeting back in September, I was able to relate because I felt that STBX was addicted to SF...

Somewhere I stopped focusing on that really...tonight I was reminded that SA is an addiction and it is a disease...I can relate better and feel compassion for him tonight...

I'm sure that he did not chose to be this way...thus the periods of not looking at porn, sometimes a month, then right back to it...it has affected his work and his family. From my POV, he has lost everything that he was afraid of losing...

Actually, looking at it from an addiction standpoint for him, has helped bring me some peace of mind...in dealing with the emotions that I have been having...

In my mind, STBX is addicted to SF and I was addicted to him...as a result he tried to control me, intimidate me, and I allowed him to influence me...

If I view it from this standpoint; it makes sense to me...his dad was a serial cheater...cheating for 25 years on his mom...there are possibly 11 more kids out there by him father...

This is what STBX brought to our R/M and I bought my abuse from childhood...not a very savory mix IMO...

What I need to deal with is the effects?

Oh, LOL, and my tendencies to be concerned with finding a healthy relationship in the future...that is my biggest fear...repeating the past...I understand that fear is usually 50% of what usually happens and sometimes no at all...

I have to trust that God knows what he's doing...and it's those days that I have the most trouble with what is happening in my world...

If I can remind myself to just take this one day at a time...life is so much easier...

Dear heavenly Father, I pray with you this morning to bless all of those on MB, to watch over them, to guide them, and to touch their hearts instilling peace so that they make deal with the troubles in theie lives...please dear Lord, walk with them hand and hand, touch their families so that they may all heal and climb the valley that they are in...
In Jesus' name I pray...

Rin,

You know I have been talking to my kids a lot about being thankful.

We are very lucky that we all have our health, we have each other etc.

I think in a lot of cases people can think they have it horrible when they don't.

There is much worse. Not only are they screwed today but probably tomorrow and in the future. LOL.

All of this is a temporary distraction for you on a path to a wonderful life.

Two beutiful kids a good job, a good head on your shoulders etc.

It is easy and probably a littel catharctic to focus on the STBX problems etc. so you can feel ok about moving on.

It isn't productive in some cases. If he is an addict so be it nothing you can do. All you can do is focus on you and yours.

I am glad you had a good weekend though.

If he can't keep the kids to himself without help that of course is going to be better for you in the long run.

Hi Frog...I DO have a lot to be grateful for...I could and probably should make a list...

I understand what you are saying about focusing on STBX...I'm still trying to see my part...

My IC said that the only thing wrong that I did was pick him well I want to know why I picked him...hence the previous post...

Of course, I know that I can not said for certain that STBX is this way or that way...and it is purging...

I guess I'll never really find out why OP were treated better than me and the kids...and I guess I shoudln't even be concerned with it...

Just right now, I just don't know what to do with myself to be honest...being in Limbo...but "just for today I can do something that I couldn't do for the rest of me life..."

My Spon. has recommended working on ym 4th step even though I'm not there yet...she feels that I have been doing this for a while now...

As far as the kids and STBX's time spent with him...I think he's making some lousy choices, and the only reason I care now is for documnetation purposes...outside of that I could care less what he does with the time that he doesn't spend with the kids...

I have my life and he can have his...I wish him the best...I still don't think that he's a bad person...he CAN actually be really great sometimes...

I think I'm kind of unsure what to do with myself right now...This is not a time to stand still or is it?

Thank you for the words of encouragement...good head on mt shoulder's...COOL! I know that the boys are beautiful...LOL

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

We used Imago and it made sense. You pick the person that reminds you of your parent but not the good traits the bad ones and you want to fix them. Short version.

Sometimes you can't make sense of things that don't make sense. People do things for weird reasons.

So my FWW is in AA. She has made lots of mistakes. Now she has a friend that is doing about the same thing my FWW did. Spending, drinking etc. bad decesions.

My FWW because she is past that now can't understand her friends decesions.

I have figured it out people make bad decesions for no good reason. They think they have one but they don't. Then one day they either realize it or don't.

We can do nothing to figure it out or in most cases help them.

I told my wife that yesterday about her friend. She is so perplexed that she has done everything her friend is doing and now feels like she wants to help but can't.

You worry about you and yours. He is neither right now by his decesion. (bad decision imvho.)

I think I have that book at home...i really don't remember I've read so much...

Oh, a few things I wante to share...

One, this morning I took off my chain with my wedding ring on it...I felt like there was no point to wearing it...

Second, F told me this morning and I'm not sure how it came up but HN1 told F that her two BFs were fighting and he asked if I knew who that was...I said NO...he said you and daddy...

I said I am not HN1's BF...that's your dad's BF but not mine...I said I'm not friends with people who curse me in my own house or who write my letters with four letter curse words in them...

I left it at that...OP's POV, I can't imagine WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH SHE WOULD CALL "ME" HER BF...IMVHO, that wasn't the case when we were talking to each other...

Friends don't stab each other in the back...

Okay, back to what we were talking about...a case of me being judgemental? DJing him and his actions huh? Just need to stop...LOL...b/c even if I heard it from his mouth I don't think that I would believe him...

I was talking with someone dear to me the other night and I thought "I have been judgemental!" It's something I think that I need to work on... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />