If that post was directed at me,I am not saying she is having an affair.But I've long stated here on MB that one should not be dating unless officially divorced.Even the paper portion.Why? Because you have to fully break away and heal from one relationship before beginning another.

It's not fair to yourself or any other person to be out dating when you have not had a chance to recover from the previous marriage,especially if it's a long one that also involves children.How many times have we seen that happen here,where a person is out dating before they are ready and not D yet only to be confronted with what we all know is the hard time post D and then disater ensues.

It just really strikes me as odd that the "piece of paper" issue seems to be in the way in times like that when in the beginning of the marriage is was an integral part of the whole process and means something.It has become a state of convenience for some people.Disposable,just like the "piece of paper".

mlhb I know you also feel strongly the way you do as this kind of situation applies to you and gekko.Even though things are going well so far for you both,I disagree.I just will never believe it's ok to date until one is divorced,all the way around,in all matters and one has had time to heal.Even if you "feel" like you are ready.

Also,no one said anything about her being sleazy.Perhaps you are projecting.Personally,I only come from an area of care/concern for other's that may put themselves out there too fast.It's nothing more than that.I would also be concerned about other's who deserve a healed,stable person in that new relationship too.As we know,WS's always decide for themselves as well when a "marriage is done".

There are steps to progress through though that are necessary and more healthy.I just try to look at the whole process that seems the healthiest and least damaging to those involved.

IH,

So when do you plan to get your life in order if I may ask? I don't mean to sound defensive,but you stated this:



This to me sounds very disturbing.You should not have to wait years to be able to be in another relationship again but while you are still married? Even if it's "over" in your own mind? Who would want to enter into a relationship where the person is still technically married but also lives with a cheating spouse for whatever reason and considers the marriage over. What is preventing you from actually getting the D and not living as is?

I am not saying this is exactly your situation but,if when I go out and start dating again,one of the last things I will want is to be involved with a man in a messy D still in progress,kids involved,financial problems,housing issues and who knows what.I think I,and other's,would deserve a stable,healthy relationship with another person who is healed,has all their "ducks in a row" and has no psycho WS or legally seperated spouse in the wings where anything could happen at any moment.If someone is ok with engaging in a new relationhsip like that then,fine for them.I just don't think it's healthy.

Maybe if people started thinking more about marriage than just being a piece of paper or being so disposable at others whims we might not trek along with a near 50% D rate over the next decade.I have heard that line for years and I have to say its really just gets to me.Since when is it so meaningless? When it's convenient.

AB,
it was not directed anywhere in general... my opinion is just that i have no issue with those who are legally separated or those who are definitely getting divorced, who have the ball in motion, who are not living with there exes anymore, dating. i see nothing wrong with it at all.

i had no marriage the last 2-3 years of mine. we slept in separate rooms and lived separate lives. i had very little healing to do compared to most after my ex left and we proceeded with a legal sep simply because my marriage had been over for years. less than a year after he was gone, i was completely ready for pursuing a new relationship. was i divorced at that time? nope, but he was living with ow, i did not want him back ever ever again, he did not want to come back, our marriage was done. we were legally separated, why should i have to wait for a divorce to date? i feel that is what ready's sitch is and that is why i am not questioning her for dating just because her divorce is not actually final yet.

i never hid the fact i was seeing someone. my church knew, my family, everyone. i was legally separated and working towards divorce and i had nothing to be ashamed of for what i was doing.

i know there are going to be differing opinions on this, that is what makes the world go round. i believe healing can begin looooooooooong before there is ever a divorce. divorce for me was just the "thank god that is over with" part. nothing more, nothing less. i did not grieve one bit over it. i was well on my way to being healed once i had met gekko. had had plenty of time to get there. many don't get divorced for years... divorce can be very expensive as we all know. i know those who never divorce until they intend to remarry for that reason, the cost of it. i've known people who never remarried, just lived legally separated, and because they never remarried never had a reason to divorce. they just lived separate lives, lived as if they were divorced, just as most legal seps are written. just a matter of opinion i guess.

mlhb

You don't need to be dating....Or, you don't need to be upset. You have two men. BF has two women.....

Hi everyone,

Sorry for not responding sooner. I was out of the office all day so I'm finally checking the board now. First, I'd like to thank everyone for their responses. To answer the D question- my WH and I have settled our D. It's just waiting for the judge's signature. It will be final any day now.

Secondly, I wasn't actively looking to date. This guy asked me out and we've had a good time getting to know each other. He's out of town this week for work- I know this to be true because I'm friends with this co-workers and boss. Therefore, we haven't talked yet. We've been playing phone tag this week.

I was hesitant to be detailed in the messages I've left for him so they are just generic. Should I leave a detailed message re: the frustration I am having?

I don't think so. That gives him longer to invent a story.

mlhb,

Ok,wasn't sure if you were addressing me directly.I appreciate we see things differently.I am glad things are going well for you.I also felt very much D'd long before the actual judgment came thru.But for me,just to be sure,I am waiting til spring or summer to be out there again.I'm just a stickler for timeframes I guess.All BS's deserve a second chance at happiness.No hard feelings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Sorry for the tj r2w.

oh gosh, def no hard feelings AB! i think, from your posts anyway, you are a wonderful person and we actually, on many things, agree.

i am not, however, a stickler on time frames. when one is ready, one is ready whether it be one day, one month, one year after a separation for divorce. everyone is different. my parents were married 26 years, divorced, and were both remarried with the year! and have been happily married for 20 years now to those people they married. so who's to say..

mlhb

It's really easy to fall from one abusive relationship into another.

Please take at least a year - get into some support groups and find your own individual strength to stand on your own. You almost didn't escape the last time around - in fact, you still haven't gotten completely clear of his pull on you yet. So please don't get into another relationship - no matter how good he looks/acts/etc. until you know yourself your own worth.

AB, My comments weren't directed at you. They were just observations on my own experience. As for the "piece of paper" argument, I don't think it is a big deal now. I thought so twelve years ago before I got married, but now I see it differently. I also view marriage very differently. Completely differently.

The Time frame argument is ridiculous. Look, my marriage was dead as fried chicken for almost three years before I left and filed. On my birthday 2002 I had separattion papers drawn up . We separated three times. The emotional and physical abandonment nearly killed me inside. I started dating about three months after leaving and filing. Stopped dating, hit therapy, and then picked back up a couple of months later. But that was me. You know what dating did for me - it brought my confidence back from the dead, reasserted my personality, and helped me discover what I could provide to the right person when she came along. This idea of sitting around like an Amish unic for 18 months reading self help books by candlelight and not even looking at the opposite sex is absurd. Live life. Put your kids first and yourself a close second.

nevermind

After a weekend of serious re-evaluation of my life, the loss of M and the meeting with my Boundaries group (post D Care group) at my church, I've realized how foolish it was to get caught up with this guy. I'm not ready for another R yet. As much as I would like attention and companionship, I'm not ready. Just because he asked me out and treated me well doesn't mean that I'm ready to date again. I got burned so badly by my WH that I need to give myself time to heal and depend on God, not another man for healing. Thank you to all of you.

sounds like you are at peace with your decision. that is what matters. good luck.

mlhb

r2w,

I am glad you were honest with yourself about your feelings and waiting.By all means you do deserve another chance at happiness.Just when you are completely ready and you are healed and strong.

Good luck to you~Keep posting

R2W, I still think you should talk to the man and let him know this woman contacted you. I think he deserves a chance to tell his half. Also, he may want a heads up if this woman is off the rails.

Besides, you have to work with the man.

Considering I'm going back to school to become certified to teach art, I'm sincerely hoping I'm not going to be a starving teacher. Oh, but wait, I sell my pottery which truly makes me a starving artist, hence, the return to school.

For the teachers here, what do you teach?

Hey, wiffty, does that fact that your ex is a teacher have any effect on your view of teachers in general?...Whether you want it to or not?

Nams, did you post to the wrong thread?

No, GG, just off on a tangent.

Hello all,

I have a lot of peace since my decision. It took plenty of tears and prayer but it was the right thing to do. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

I had a long conversation with the guy last night. He was embarassed by his ex's confrontation. She actually sent an e-mail to me and cc'd him on it to his work e-mail address too. (When they were together, she had his password and found his e-mail addresses. He finally changed it recently.) When she found out that he and I were together, she flipped. She also informed the guy's CEO whom I am friends with. She's lost her marbles. She's trying to taint my professional reputation. It's vindictive and scary.

To clarify, I never worked with the guy. He worked in the same building as I did but I've changed locations since Nov. I still keep in touch with his co-workers and his CEO. We have mutual friends within our two professions. From our conversation last night, I told him I want to remain friends but that would be it. He has a lot of "baggage" that he needs to work out with his ex. Both of us have a lot of healing to do from our previous Rs. I also met with my IC and she agreed that I'm not ready for a R.