I am sorry for lashing out at you recently. And while I regret some of my actions, it is too hard to sit back and lose our marriage without a fight. Sometimes that got the better of me.




I would remove this completely.



Add and you promised me yours.

Be more firm about the plans. You will not see him for ANY reason until your terms are met. MC should also be mentioned in here.

MEDC

How about adding something like this? "In order to avoid putting our children in the middle of this, please continue to pick them up at school and drop them off in the driveway (or whatever arrangements you want in place). Then you've reminded him of "our children" who will be affected by all of this. I dunno, I'm no plan B expert... just a thought.

As in any written materials for W with AD, I would keep it to one page when printed.

You'll be glad you went into Plan B as many of us have.

Good luck, my thoughts are with you.

I have a question for the experts...

could state in the first letter that there will be a follow up letter....... explaining the details of the plans and how she wants the terms met??

that way they wouldn't get lost in the first letter.

"I loved you on the first day I met you. I loved you when I married you. I love you still." ( I would make this ONE PARAGRAPH)

And then you mention those actions of his...But WHY DO YOU LOVE HIM? I would specifically mention this in terms of the ENs. I "admire"..I "appreciate" how you helped with the children, etc. and I would make this first paragraph shorter...

"My frustration at my sheer helplessness only resulted in driving you further away." ( I think this is an ASSUMPTION about him) Delete or say: "I was frustrated at my sheer helplessness..I felt that I was driving you away"..See the difference?)



I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that you included this..

Why don't you end with that Goodbye phrase that you guys always use...Be careful or something??? (Middle-aged brain of mine..)

In terms of the bzzz factor:

It's supposed to be a "love letter" and ALSO set these clear boundaries. I looked at the example in SAA and it's not any shorter, nor is the one that Jen wrote for eav much shorter...???

So is the issue the length, or the content? Because in terms of content, there's a lot that needs to be packed in:

Love letter stuff
Taking responsibility for and apologizing for problems in the M
I believe in you
I've changed
I need to protect myself
We can recover
My expectations
Logistics
wrap-up

KISS- keep It Simple Stupid. Not you nia but the W that are so lost they can't follow simple instructions. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

IMO (TA, I can't help but say this..it's a habit now..helpful even in my real life to make me seem less overbearing to others)...

It's best to only WRITE THIS ONE LETTER..that there will be NO FURTHER CONTACT PERIOD... I know I failed on this but... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />...I did go right back into DARKNESS... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

If anything, Sis can make her letter much shorter so that the DETAILS won't be lost...

Some things will have to change for the boys, too. You can't insulate them completely from this.

For example, they can't invite him into the house to show him their stuff - that's an adjustment they'll have to make.

If you don't want to talk to him on the phone, there has to be a way for him to contact either son without you being involved - either pre-arranged times or cell.

When he's picking them up from home, they could perhaps wait near the door for the sight of his car...or he can knock the door and go back to his car and wait?

There are lots of tiny gaps where he could get a bit of a LilSis fix...you'll have to work them out and plug them.

TA

yeah....it was just a thought, but i see your point...why drag it out and complicate it.

i just don't want the "instructions" to get lost in the "love letter".....i worry that he won't SEE them at all.

maybe put them in italics?

How does he SHOW you that he wants to build a new life with you?

You can't trust his words...it's his ACTIONS that count.

That's what the other 'requirements' I was referring to should be about.

I've seen tons of plan B letters here...ask around for other examples, you'll see what I'm talking about.

gotcha.
i agree now that i thinka bout it.

jst make sure that he SEES the instructions and the no further contact part.

I agree, they need to be set apart somehow, but not in a different letter. I bulleted mine. Put the most important one first which was NC with OW.

LilSis,

i am going to post my PBL. Looking back at it now, I see things that are wrong with it but maybe you can get something useful out of it.

My FWH was really cakeeating though, so it is tailored more to him finally making his choice and no longer cakeeating.

I hope it helps.


Dear H,


You know I love you and adore you with my heart, my mind and my body. When we married I thought it would be forever and have never considered that we would be apart one day. The thought that we may not grow old together truly pains me.


I know we had problems. I know there are things I could have done differently. I cannot change the past H, but I have learnt from my mistakes and I sincerely apologize to you. You know I have changed, you said you have noticed the changes in me. I am making them permanent and improving myself and my life. I am a better person. I make mistakes every day, but everyday I strive to be the best person I can be.


I have thought a lot about our marriage, our current situation and about where we are going. You know my thoughts and feelings. I love you, I want to be with you and work on making our marriage the best ever. I cannot guarantee it will last 50 years or 5 years, but I know that when we try together we do well. I am ready H, to work wholeheartedly on our marriage. I commit to you and our marriage. We need help, we need counseling but it takes two of us, I cannot do it alone.


You have told me you are scared to give up the security of your apartment and take a chance on us. I feel so much for you as I know this is very difficult. You are at a crossroads in your life and feel that today’s decision will affect the rest of your life. Some decision are tough and are scary, but no one said life would be breezy, it’s supposed to be hard and painful. Then the easy times are even better. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life.


However, you have chosen to spend time with one specific woman and possibly others. You have told me you are still in contact with her. I do not condone it, or like it, but have no choice. You are the only person who can make choices for you and I will respect your decision. I hope that you will be happy in whatever you choose and that you find peace. You are my friend, my lover and my husband. I only want true happiness for you and do not wish any harm or ill to you.

To preserve the love I have for you and my own sanity I have come to a decision of my own. I need to stop seeing you until you decide one way or the other. The current situation is becoming extremely stressful and hurtful for me. This is not an ultimatum or a threat. It is simply ‘no contact’. I know that I risk losing you forever, but I cannot continue to see you without putting pressure on you to make a decision. If you choose to come back and work on our marriage, I want to know that you have done it because you love me, not because you have felt pressured into doing it.


Please respect my decision and do not contact me unless it is an emergency. If you need to contact me reference the children or financial information please do so through email. If you need to access the house, please contact me and I will arrange to have the house available to you at a time I am not there.


I hope with all my heart and soul that you will come back to me one day. Please make Kelly or any other woman aware that I am your wife and that I want to work on our marriage. Please be honest with yourself, with me and them.


I love you H, you will always be very special to me. I look back through our life and I choose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.
I hope we will be together again one day.

Your loving wife

InADaze

I did not have an intermediary b/c we do not have family here other than his bro and sis and I was not comfortable putting anyone in the middle of our mess. My kids were also going to be gone for most of the summer so contact was going to be non-existant anyway.

This letter is not bulleted, for some reason I did not save the one I actually sent but the only change I made was to bullet my "demands".

I will be willing to discuss our future together as soon as you are
• Willing to permanently separate/have absolutely no contact with Kelly
• Willing to move back home
• Willing to construct a plan to ensure a complete separation from her
• Willing to attend marriage counseling to work on existing issues in our marriage

It's a balancing act. Someday, when he wakes up, he will go back and reread it and this time not filter out the love-letter bits. That's what supposed to stay in his subconscious memory from the first reading.

But the first reading, those bits will be just so much static. If he stops reading before the end, he'll miss what it's really about. So you have to keep it reasonably short and snappy. BTW, is he used to reading your handwriting?

TA

Quote:


Because in terms of content, there's a lot that needs to be packed in:

Love letter stuff [color:"red"] [/color] (I love you!!)
Taking responsibility for and apologizing for problems in the M [color:"red"] [/color] (I take responsiblility and sorry about the state of our marriage.)
I believe in you [color:"red"] [/color] (I know you can come back and make it right)
I've changed [color:"red"] [/color] (I changed for the better.)
I need to protect myself [color:"red"] [/color] (I need to be protected from the madness.)
We can recover [color:"red"] [/color] (We can recover!!)
My expectations [color:"red"] [/color] (I expect you to get your AS* home and be a FWH.)
Logistics [color:"red"] [/color] (You know Lisa, she'll let you know the logistics.)
wrap-up [color:"red"] [/color] (See ya and wouldn't want to be you!!)

Here is my verison in ( ) that is short and to the point. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I AGREE ABSOLUTELY AND TOTALLY WITH TA!!!

I handwrote mine so that the written words would symbolically be ME speaking to HIM...

FWIW - I attended a conflict management seminar yesterday. Some of what was covered was the different communication styles of men versus women.

Men want women to "just get to the point", women want to set the scene or explain the situation.

Sis, is he a "get to the point" kind of guy? You're getting great information here and I don't really have any experience with this. I just wonder in the context of how men communicate, would it be a good idea to start with your point and then explain and set the scene later in the letter? (I think your letter is absolutely wonderful, BTW, but I am a woman)

You are such a great lady. You impress the heck out of me.

I'm a man, just get to the point already. Skip all the gory details because we just skip over them.

Sis,

I heard this Bible verse today on the radio and felt it was applicable to all of us going through this - especially you now.

Job 23:10-11

But he knows the way that I take;
when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold.

My feet have closely followed his steps;
I have kept to his way without turning aside.

My prayers are with you.