Part of the affair-fantasy is that after the dust settles

~everyone~ will remain good friends

this is what TURD-GIRL has been telling WH

Make sure that WH has been told in Plan B letter there will be NO FRIENDSHIP coming his way once he divorces you

this lets WH imagine his future relationship as such

>>> one of the boys is getting married ... and there is not a joyful coming together of all the parties

>>> the boys are "fathered" by YOUR future husband

Oh yes...please include things like this.

A good PBL ought to put fear in his heart.

He ought to put the letter down, and think "Crap, what have I done???"

~ Marsh

Pep is right, heed her words.

My H asked if we could be friends if we got divorced (due to his A) in a bit of a puppy dog type manner...

I made it clear to my H that we would not be friends if we divorced.

He looked a bit dejected.

This should signal something...

You already put in the WE WON'T BE FRIENDS PART and others have missed it..so YOUR LETTER IS NOT CLEAR enough...

Sis, PLEASE DON'T GET WORRIED AGAIN BY THE DIFFERING OPINIONS...

Relax and have FAITH in YOURSELF..

Now, I will stick neck and say...I agree with everything EXCEPT "this may be your last letter, etc...

The PLAN B LETTER should be a LOVE LETTER...That should be made clear right from the very beginning...in whatever way that you can do that...using your own words...

If you say this may be your last letter, it does not evidence your confidence in him that HE CAN END THE AFFAIR..Repeating what I said before..I know...

But if you put that sentence in there..that's alright, too...Okay?

This is what Sis already said about not being his friend.

i thought the letter was wonderful!

just reading some of the suggestions

i'll share some of the things that jennifer said to me:

i also thought mine was too long but Jennifer said it was important to include the things my H needed to hear. he might not read it all now but may re-read it again when he is ready.

that being said, i do think there may be some things that you may be able to leave out.

my 1st step would be to re-read it and consider thaking out anything that seems to be restating something you already said, then look at the length.



i agree with mimi that this could be removed.

other than those two things, i wouldn't remove TOO much. Jennifer said these things ARE important because they are things that the WS needs to hear.

i haven't read past page 2 but i'll get back when i can

in my opinion....

That is the part of the letter that NEEDS to stand out.
that is the part he really needs to see and understand.
but, first LS...you have to understand it too...do you?


If WH knoocked on your door the day after getting the letter...could you say what Daze did...and mean it?

personally, i still think the letter is a little long....i find myself wanting to skim over it so i really have to wonder what a WH would feel.....I think it is a beuatiful letter but it lacks IMPACT.
I am afraid he will not understand the point of it.

personally I DID Not understand LS words as well as i did the above.
Would a WH? or do you think something more direct (like the above post) would work better for him?

Mimi,

We're looking at the letter from two different POV, I'm looking at it as a FWW...you're looking at it from a BS...

I want the WS to hurt. You want him to feel loved.

LS, take whatever you like, and leave the rest....like Mimi said earlier, "Berry pick."

~ Marsh

personally...I LOVED the paragraph about all the things you did together....the memories and that you loved him thru it all....I'd keep that...THAT is the love letter part.

I would like to see the the remainder of the letter a little darker... very CLEAR...to the point.


like Marsh said...berry pick.

Marsh:

I'm recommending STRICT TEXTBOOK HARLEY from SURVIVING AN AFFAIR..not a Mimi letter...

My copy of the book is at home....

But I know ALMOST for sure that THE BOOK calls it a LOVE LETTER...THE ROADMAP BACK HOME....

I think typed is just fine (easier for him to read). You could actually sign it though with your signature. And maybe that little thingy that y'all always say to each other.

Crap, it's even longer now...but I emphasized the boundaries, and I added some of the "what if" stuff (someone else in my life).

Hope you can wade through it. Sorry....I am liking it, but I am struggling with which end does the ILY stuff go...first or last.

Have at it...

WH,

Because of the pain at what has happened to us and our marriage, it is with great sadness that I must remove myself from what has become an intolerable situation. This path is not one of choice but one of self-preservation.

WH, I loved you on the first day I met you. I loved you when I married you. I love you still. I love you because you worked a horrific schedule to be home with Nick. Because you held me after my dad’s first surgery. Because of the pride I felt when you were named Officer of the Year. Because of how reverently you regard Memorial Day. Because you worried with me over Jake’s bowel problems. Because you gave a beautiful toast at my parent’s last anniversary together. I love you because you will marvel with me at the dappled light on the Pierce Stocking, at the sound of the first red-winged blackbird in the spring, at the first cicada buzz in the summer, at the growth of our maple tree every fall, and the movement of Orion’s Belt across the winter sky. I love you because you introduced me to camping and boating. Because you would take me for rides on countless back roads just to explore. Because you love to skip rocks at Point Betsie and collect petoskeys at Torch Lake. Because you so deeply appreciate a “great day at the lake.” Because you took me to Pentwater, and because you also took me to Ludington. I love you because you know me, inside and out, what makes me beautiful, what makes me human, what frightens me, what pleases me. I love you because you know me more intimately than anyone has ever known me.

I am so sorry for lashing out at you recently. And while I regret many of my actions, I found it just too difficult to sit back and watch our marriage be destroyed without putting up a fight. Sometimes that got the better of me. I know intellectually that only you can save you, but my heart wants so badly to keep you from losing yourself, losing me, losing the boys. I believe in you, in who you are, in the heart and soul of man that I married. I will never believe that man is gone forever. Goodness always prevails.

I am also deeply sorry for my part in creating an environment in our marriage that helped make this situation possible. I wish that I could go back in time and give you all that you needed to be happy: my undivided attention, my affection, my self—with no holding back. I wish I had made “us” my top priority. I hope that one day you will forgive me for the mistakes that I made and give us the opportunity to create a new marriage.

I have changed. I am no longer the same person I was; that would be an impossibility. But the changes I have made have been for the good: an understanding of who I am, of how deeply I love you, of how much I need to make a place for God in my life, and of what it takes to make a marriage work. Over the past couple of months I have attempted to show you these changes. I want to share those changes with you for one reason: because you are the most important person in my life. I wish I had done a better job of showing that truth to you before all of this happened.

I believe with all my heart that together we can overcome all of this and begin a new and better life, one in which each of us are happy and deeply fulfilled. I want this more than anything.

But my emotions over the past couple of weeks have made it clear to me that I need to protect myself from the pain created by this situation. Watching you lose yourself and seeing you with someone else is simply agonizing. I can no longer endure it; it is tearing me apart. If one day you decide to give our marriage a chance, I need my love for you to be as strong as it is today. And I need to be as strong as I am today. So until the situation changes, the only way I can hold on to my love and personal strength is to end all contact with you.

Being apart from you is not what I want.

What I want, more than anything, is you in my life—all of you—and all to myself. I am married to you. I promised my life to you—to you and you alone—and you promised yours to me.

I want to you—not someone else—to be the one I see over coffee when I’m 80. I want you—not someone else—to wipe my tears when our boys graduate and marry. I want you—not someone else—to hold me and make love to me. I want you—not someone else—to experience with me the feelings only parents can have as we watch our boys face successes and heartaches. I want you—not someone else—to read the Christmas story to our children and grandchildren as we celebrate Jesus’ birth together, as a family. I want you—not someone else—to grow with me in developing a relationship with God.

I want no one but you. Only you.

I cannot and will not share you. I cannot and will never be your “friend.” I can only be your wife, in every sense of the word, in the way that I promised to you and to God. That is the only type of relationship that I can accept.

Because our current relationship does not meet that standard, I must end all contact with you. Out of respect for my position and my need to protect myself, please do not call, send e-mails, or leave messages.

Not unless you agree to permanently, forever—for life—cut off all contact with Amy.

Not unless you decide to work on building a new marriage with me.

Those are the only conditions under which we can have any sort of relationship. We will not be friends. We will not share the experiences of family or those of our children.

If you need to reach me, you may communicate through Lisa. Her cell phone number is xxx-xxxx and home number is xxx-xxxx. Her email is xxxx. She will get a message to me. In terms of the boys, I will assume that you will pick them up from school on “your” Fridays and drop them off around 6:00 on Sundays. During the week, we can continue with the same arrangements we have had for alternating Tuesdays and Wednesdays, with you picking them up from school and bringing them home around 8:00. When you drop off or pick up the boys, please do not come into the house or attempt to speak to me.

If you decide that you want to work on building a new marriage with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. It will take hard, hard work on both our parts, but it can be done, and it will be worth it. I hope with all my heart that one day you will decide to allow us to make a new and better beginning, together.

Please come home. You know the way.

Careful, love you, bye.

I don't see marsh suggesting anything different....a love letter..... a map back home....w/directions and boundries...all clear enough to make an impact on the WS.

I never read surviving the affair....did it say how long (or short) the letter should be? I thought i heard it shouldn't go over 1 page.

And as you've been saying, Sis, follow your heart...

I'm sharing my personal experience which has tended to FIT so closely to the Harley's viewpoint.

If I had written a letter that put FEAR in my H's heart, it would not have been effective.

The main point of the letter was that I was going into PLAN B to PRESERVE the MY LOVE FOR HIM...in order to do that I could not see or contact him until he ended his R with her FOR LIFE..we could not be friends, etc...because my H maintained a desire to be my FRIEND...

Mortarman told me that my H would read that letter and Mortarman was SOOOOO right...

During our negotiations prior to reconciling, he focused on ..remember you said you could FORGIVE me?....remember you said that we could have a BETTER MARRIAGE?..remember you said that YOUR CHANGES are real?...

A part of him WANTED ME TO MOVE ON at the BEGINNING of PLAN B..I think at the beginning he got deeper into her..Weeee, a free ticket..AND THEN...he began TO MISS ME.. he found out who she REALLY was and she could not meet all his NEEDS and THEN he started READING THE LETTER MORE CLOSELY....

Lilsis, print, sign deliver. Very good.

The love letter that James Dobson wrote to his wife (towards the back of Love Must Be Tough is wonderful. Again, if you haven't read that book it is really good. Not one to let WH see that you have. (it may be a bit longer than you might want for your plan B letter)

Just make sure you conclude with a clear way home..to reconciliation...what needs to happen for you to recover your marriage.

Sorry, I am a bit slow...hadn't seen that you had already posted your revised letter.

1 quick question...if he comes to you for clarification @ the letter....what will you say?

here is my suggestion

WH,

Writing this letter is the hardest thing I've ever done.

I am so sorry for showing you such ugliness and anger a couple of weeks ago and so many times in the past. My frustration at my sheer helplessness only resulted in driving you further away. My heart wants so badly to keep you from making choices that will destroy our family but i need to accept that only you can choose to make changes in yourself. I believe in you, in who you are, in the heart and soul of man that I married. I will never believe that man is gone forever. Goodness always prevails.

I am deeply sorry for my part in creating an environment in our marriage that helped make this situation possible. I wish that I could go back in time and give you all that you needed to be happy: my undivided attention, my affection, my self—with no holding back. I wish I had made “us” my top priority. I hope that one day you will forgive me for the mistakes that I made and give us the opportunity to create a new marriage.

I have changed. I am no longer the same person I was; that would be an impossibility. But the changes I have made have been for the good: an understanding of who I am, of how deeply I love you, of how much I need to make a place for God in my life, and of what it takes to make a marriage work. Over the past couple of months I have attempted to show you these changes. I want to share those changes with you for one reason: because you are the most important person in my life. I wish I had done a better job of showing that truth to you before all of this happened.

I believe with all my heart that together we can overcome all of this and begin a new and better life, one in which each of us are happy and deeply fulfilled. I want this more than anything.

My emotions over the past couple of weeks have made it clear to me that I need to protect myself from the pain created by this situation. Watching you lose yourself and seeing you with someone else is simply agonizing. I can no longer endure it; it is tearing me apart. If one day you decide to give our marriage a chance, I need my love for you to be as strong as it is today. And I need to be as strong as I am today. So until the situation changes, the only way I can hold on to my love and personal strength is to end all contact with you.

This is not what I want.

What I want, more than anything, is to have you in my life—all of you—and all to myself. I am married to you. I promised my life to you—you and you alone. I cannot and will not share you. I cannot and will never be your “friend.” I can only be your wife, in every sense of the word, in the way that I promised to you and to God. That is the only type of relationship that I can accept.

Out of respect for my position, please do not call, send e-mails, or leave messages unless you agree to forever—for life—cut off all contact with Amy and you decide that you want to work on building a new relationship with me.

If you need to reach me, you may communicate through Lisa. Her cell phone number is xxx-xxxx and home number is xxx-xxxx. Her email is xxxx. She will get a message to me. In terms of the boys, I will assume that you will pick them up from school on “your” Fridays and drop them off around 6:00 on Sundays.

During the week, we can continue with the same arrangements we have had for alternating Tuesdays and Wednesdays, with you picking them up from school and bringing them home around 8:00. When drop off or pick up the boys, please do not come into the house or attempt to speak to me.

If you decide that you want to work on building a new marriage with me, I promise you that I will leave the past behind us. I will ask only that you do the same. It will take hard, hard work on both our parts, but it can be done, and it will be worth it. I hope with all my heart that one day you will decide to allow us to make a new and better beginning, together.

Please come home. You know the way.