I experienced some of that withdrawal this summer when we were going through a bunch of back and forth. On a couple of occassions I said I was done, but something always happened...I caved. But I wasn't working a plan, then, I was just flailing.

One thing that occurred to me earlier....and maybe this isn't an issue for this forum...but anyway.

Hope vs. Belief.

I know that I will continue to have hope, but I do not believe that WH will come around. That makes me sad. I wish I had belief, too.

Just thinking.

Also, I'm going to try to reach MIL tonight and let her know in advance.

It just occurred to me - how are you going to handle MIL? You won't be able to talk to her about WH anymore in plan B, right?

LilSis,

I've been keeping up with your situation at work... damn work got in the way at times.

You got great advice from the pros...if you don't mind I may use some of the things in your letter in mine... wwhen the time comes.

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you.

Still

I THINK Fiat may be right about the MIL..

I recall that being a major problem with Oklahoma..she kept on getting info. about her WH..and it wouldn't be good for MIL to give WH info. about Sis..MIL would have to be awfully strong and trustworthy to abide by these rules.

RE: MIL
She is very, very good about confidentiality. She is the furthest thing from gossipy if that makes any sense; she is NOT compelled to "tell." She has always been very clear with me that she shares NOTHING of our conversations with WH; she even asks if she is free to tell FIL particulars that I might say.

Is that what you are getting at? I'm not sure which way yu are concerned about...MIL revealing WH stuff to me, or revealing me to WH. ??

RE: PBL to RT.
I also noted that in SAA, but I can't send it to RT. "No direct or indirect contact." RT would probably claim anthrax.

Too bad. It would feel good to know she'd read it.

Sometimes I do wonder if WH would share it with her or not, because I think he might be a little afraid of her. She HAS THE POWER, remember? I'd be afraid of her...she's eeeevil.

Oh, well, all speculation and it's pointless to do so.

Lisa will definately get a copy, just as an FYI...and I will give her a school calendar.

I will give the one-page school calendar with the PBL; any more detailed info can be accessed online. That's how I get most of my info (that stuff somehow mysteriously disappears between school and home in the backpack black hole).

I just know the first question is going to be, "When are conferences?" so I'll have to prep Lisa on that one. "If you would like to meet with the boys' teachers, you will have to make your own arrangements." Right???

DS11's teacher and I met at fall conferences and she knows that WH left home (not the reason), DS8's teacher just had a baby, and I met the long-term sub yesterday when I did math helper duty. I doubt she knows anything, but at least I've already made a positive impression.

Poor Lisa. She doesn't really want to do this...she's only doing it for me. I just can't think of anyone else who "gets" me and who won't be conned by WH. If WH gives her any crap, she can turn it over to her FWH.

DS8 just finished his B&G (here's to you, LG), so I'm going to get us set up for our movie night...

Neak...I made the change about "if" to "when" as per your suggestion... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hey, did I THANK EVERYONE for everything today?!? No, I did not!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!! for the letter, for the support, for the good wishes and PRAYERS. I'll keep needing them all...

Here is one way to handle phones:

With the landline house phone, just turn off the ringers. That way, you will not be sitting there waiting for it to ring because you've fixed it so it ain't gonna ring. Anyone who needs to can leave you a message, but if they call and hang up before getting the voice mail or message machine you will never know it.

With your cell phone, just turn it off. If/when the boys are at school or otherwise not with you, turn it back on every hour or so to see if there are any messages. If the boys are with you, you can leave it off for longer periods. If someone calls while the cell is off but does not leave a message, you will never know it.

Believe me, there can be nothing worse than agonizing over a phone that does not ring. Handling the phones like this gives you control over that and gives you the relief of not having to know whether WH tried to call or not.

Then you can tell yourself that he DID call and is stressed cos' you wouldn't answer.

Heh.

Whatever gets you through the night.

Don't worry. If he really wants to talk to you, he WILL leave a message. Or show up on the doorstep. Or move a few mountains and swim a few oceans to get back to you.

You don't want him back until he does.
Mulan

I was more concerned about MIL telling you about WH. Sounds like her talking to WH about you won't be a problem.

Okay, you're right on this one, with your particular situation and the RO and all that. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> But I think you can be sure she'll end up seeing it sooner or later - and probably sooner.


I say no, no, no on this!!! This kind of stuff has got to be HIS problem now. No more helpful wife doing this for him. He wants to be divorced? Give him a big heaping helping of it - the more the better.


Absofreakinlutely! You can use this as a standard reponse for just about any request he might make. Just have Lisa make it part of her vocabulary.


Please make her a nice batch of cookies and give her and her FWH some movie tickets or something. Let her know how important this is and that she may very well be helping to save a family, and that you most fervently appreciate what she is doing.

Hang in there. You can do this. It WILL get easier.
Mulan

BOTH...NEITHER is OK...

If you want RT to see the letter... ask your MIL to send her a copy from her house... a "look at what you did" copy of your letter with a forward from her letting RT KNOW she will NEVER be welcome in the family. That will most definitely cause a MAJOR stir!!!

Ohhh...interesting idea, MEDC! I don't know if MIL would do it, though...for one thing, RT does not exisit to her, and for another thing, she has commited to only doing what is true in her heart. Highest moral ground, etc. She might see it as playing down at RT's level, somehow.

Hmmm...worth a thought, though. Could you imagine being on the receiving end of that one? Wah.

Just something to throw out before I head off to bed (been a long day)...about the delivery tomorrow. Assuming I hand off the letter when we do kid exchange tomorrow as planned...anything special about that? Any big words of advice?

I had gotten this book for him to take on his trip...do I give that to him as sort of a last good-bye? "I had gotten this for you, but since I won't be speaking to you before you go I thought I'd give it to you now..." that's dumb, but just trying to throw something out there for consideration...

Things to say, not say...keep it short...show emotion? be cold?

This will be happening in the AM, so I need to be slightly ready...have some idea...LG was pretty straight forward with his suggestion.

Keep it very short. Give him the letter, the book and a hug if he allows it and send him on his way. This is going to be tough on you Lilsis... you will need to be strong. Make it as easy as possible by not setting yourself up for anything. This is NOT a negotiation.

You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

BTW.. what is your name? It will help with the prayers.

MEDC (Robert)

LS,



You are Strong and he is weak.



Head UP, shoulders back, SUPER BIG SMILE, look him in the eye when you deliver.




Confidence, on every level.



Walk away.



Get in your car, turn up your radio, always deliver drive by cheerful waves. Smile.



This always bugged my exh/gfs... I don't care.



Their just messin with your mind/heart. NOT anymore.



Collect your self. You are in CONTROL of U and are a good civil person.



More personal support BACK UP.



This is not your fault.



He made different choices. For now he chose an extreme different value system than you.



You will be able to handle this smoothly and peacefully.



Victim no more. You have a good grip.



I wonder if attending a local DV care support in your area during this time might be helpful to you during this transition.


So that your not so isolated& meet other nice people.



www.divorcecare.com

((((((LilSis)))))))

I've got your back, in prayer.

You are doing the right thing.

I am reminded this morning of the beautiful hymn "Great is Thy Faithfulness" and hope the words bring you comfort this morning...

Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Blessings,
Glad

I BELIEVE!

Good morning, Glad.
Thank you. The hymn I am reminded of is "Be Not Afraid." I don't know if it's only a Catholic hymn, but it ALWAYS affected me. We selected it to be the communion hymn at my dad's funeral...so now I cannot even hear it without crying. So it's probably not the best one to have rolling around in my head these days...

The refrain is:
Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

The lyrics are along the same lines as Ps23, but not nearly as uplifting.

I am afraid this morning.

I tried calling MIL last night, but couldn't get through on their cell. Could be they don't have coverage? I would REALLY like to talk to MIL before I do this. There's no point in waiting...for some reason I just wish I could hear her blessing first. I know that I will get it, but...

I suppose this is one of those times that I have to stand on my own.

WH just called, asking about picking up DS8. Since WH worked overtime last night, he didn't get the boys as he was supposed to (this is his weekend). Of course, he took the OT without checking with me first; he just announced it. But that's another story.

Anyway, I spoke to him yesterday morning (this was before I saw his truck at the coffee shop)...hey...I forgot to tell this yesterday...I called to cheerfully yesterday AM to ask him to breakfast and tell him I shaved my legs again...hee, hee. I said this all in fun, laughingly. He said again that he would pass. Then he said something about the taxes, telling me how much the refund would be.

Then he asked about getting the boys in the morning. I told him that DS11 had a sleepover so we'd have to work that out, but I would prefer it if he got DS8 early in the morning so that I could have "my" weekend. He said that would be fine and that he would take DS8 out to breakfast.

Anyway...so he just called, "Is DS8 ready to go to breakfast?" FYI...it is 8:30. The kid's been up since 7. Sorry, WH, but Saturday AM is a big cartoon morning and we still have leftover biscuits and gravy. I'm thinking this, of course, not saying it.

LS: Well, he already had breakfast and DS11 should be getting home around 10 so why don't I just call you.
WH: That would be fine.
LS: Okay, Bye.
WH: Bye.

So...here's my epiphany after that little interaction....it will be MUCH harder to Plan B how I IMAGINE him than it will be to Plan B the REALITY.

You are all saying...Duh.

Because there he is on the phone...cold...no thank you for accomodating my overtime, no "oh, darn, I was really looking forward to taking DS8 to breakfast," no "I guess I should have called BEFORE 8:30," no "I can't wait to see them because I have great plans for them today."

The boys are just another "job" in his life now.

So...I have these interactions with him, interactions that strenghten my resolve to Plan B. But in Plan B, I will no longer have those interactions.

Again....DUH.

Call me a slow learner. Just realizing how tough it is going to be. I have a feeling I will be on here a lot today. I am having dinner tonight with my neighbor and her husband...and I have A LOT of snow blowing to do, we got another 8 inches last night and it's still snowing. I'm kind of looking forward to that. I feel just a teeny bit bad a$$ when I snow blow.

Thanks, Lex. Now which is it:

**everyone here is biased towards things working out in my M because that's what everyone here wants for him/herself, and one person's success gives hope for others?

or

**I'm too close to the trees to see the forest?

I think it's my gut, though, telling me, "It ain't gonna work out, Sis. Sorry to say."

The book I am reading now, "Life of the Beloved," is all about how we--each one of us, each unique, special individual, every ONE--is a loved and chosen child of God. It's very uplifting...and it's very much written to help the reader BELIEVE that truth, and understand what it means in terms of how one lives his/her life.

So it's a good fit for me right now...talks a LOT about how we can't let the "world" define us, or succumb to self-rejection...all we need to know is that we are a deeply loved child of God.

morning.
thinking of you. stay strong.

LilSis,

Stay strong and dark in your plan B. It WILL work, and the darker you go, the quicker it will be over with. Your WH has been cake-eating for the last 3 months now. You have set him up perfectly for plan B. Believe in yourself, and believe in your H (not WH). Whenever you get the urge to break plan B, remember that you are doing it so that you can spend the rest of your life with your H, not just get a few crumbs here and there. Stay strong. I know you can do this. It's going to be hard, but remind yourself of the prize. I'm praying for you. Now go and knock that WH of yours off the fence. We'll see how he likes only being in the neighbor's yard.

LS,

My prayers are with you and your sons today. I hope your Plan B works out for your and your family's best.

nab