Plan B is hard LilSis. You can do this, but be prepared:

The problem is that in Plan A, we all have a tendency to become crisis junkies. Our days and nights and conversations revolve around "updates" about what the WS did, said, looked like, parked, what the WS might be thinking...etc. Plan A involves lots of planning, how to ambuse the WS with love, how to expose, how to talk to a foggy spouse...etc.

Plan B closes that all down. And this is where the danger lies. The BS has to have something, ALOT of somethings to fill that void. Some WS's are offended by plan B and do everything imaginable to force the BS to reengage in the triangle. Some WSs are thrilled that reality (so they think) is no longer intruding and do not contact the BS.

The problem is that a BS without enought to do will find excuses to check in with the WH.

Plan B means Getting on with Plan YOU. You are preserving your love and protecting yourself, but your life is NO LONGER on hold and no longer should include the WS at all. (that doesn't mean start dating!)

BR: I believe for the next few days, I will just relish it. Ever since that meltdown two weeks ago, I have felt off-kilter, so this will be a welcome respite.

I want off this crisis rollercoaster...I want some peace. I want to quit planning my next move, wondering how to WOW him...this creepy guy. The problem is that of course I KNOW I will still wonder, etc. I've read enough of other's experiences to know those first few days, weeks are particularly hard.

Again...something in my favor...in nine days WH will be leaving for Phoenix. At least he won't be in my "sphere" anymore for a period of time.

This weekend the boys are with him...next week the challenge will be parent/teacher conferences, but he can make his own arrangements. I already signed up, and got confirmation yesterday of dates/times...never got around to telling him. I will have to have Lisa inform him that the boys have a half a day on Weds., which is WH's usual day.

I am CERTAIN that WH will be one of those who is THRILLED by my Plan B. Weeeeeee...the free ticket, right? That's him.

I will NOT miss WH. I dislike him so. As I said this morning, he disgusts me.

But I will miss...I DO miss...my H...the one I wrote about in my PBL.

[color:"red"] GO [/color]

In all seriousness - why on earth is this your problem? He's the one who wants to be divorced, right? Well, a good part of Plan B is to give the WS a good ol' heapin' helpin' of what it's REALLY like to be divorced.

Is Lisa going to be keeping WH up-to-date on the kids' activities if you and he are divorced? No? Then why would she do that for him now??


Please see above. He has NO idea of how much he really depends on you and on how much you really do for him. He's about to find out. The conferences are just the first small example.

Sure, at first he'll behave like a kid who just got of school early with no more mean old teacher to tell him what to do.

But when he starts to realize how cold and dark it really is out there with NO LilSis at all, it's not going to seem like so much fun.

There are many stories here of how some WS do not contact the BS at all during Plan B and seem to put on a show of not caring - but when they return to the marriage, it comes out that they were actually suffering a great deal from Plan B but were just too "proud" to let anyone know.

Don't be so certain.
Mulan

exactly


tell him squat ... if he wants to be involved with the kids' school issues, it is all up to him ....



[b]what would happen if you did not have Lisa pass this info on?

nothing terrible???

Then let it be

Your older son can tell his Dad ... or Dad can make the effort to call the school and find out for himself

Pep

Good Job on your letter sis.

I know you're emotionally ready for this.
Is everything else in order?

Able to block his contact attempts? Able to protect yourself from even knowing about them?
You don't want to get into the anxiety about him NOT calling.

At first, they take it like a punishment. So be prepared.
Sometimes they try to invent reasons (not real emergencies).
He will at some point want to make sure you're still there waiting.

The quietness is peaceful for you -- but anxiety for him.
Thats where he will have to face himself.

change the locks on the doors and the garage door remote control thing-y (the code)

Pep

agreed... but only after getting the okay from her lawyer. Very important.

i know the suggestions must be driving you crazy!

but i do have one more thing to add:

i would avoid any phrases that sound "negative" because you don't want to bring to his mind anything that will make yourself sound bad ("such ugliness and anger"). you want him to "feel your love and your pain"


"what has become an intolerable situation"

possibly change to-"from this very painful situation"


"I'm sorry for showing such ugliness and anger"

possibly change to-"I'm sorry that i wasn't able to find a better way to share my feelings."


I cannot and will not share you. I cannot and will never be your “friend.”

-i had similar wording and Jennifer suggested that I emphasis that it "hurts me too much"


you're doing a great job of dealing with this!

eav:
The first two are out of my final version, so good! The part about sharing him and being his friend...I see how it can be a negative to WH, but for me, it is a boundary, and I feel like I need that to be clear with him.

Pep and MEDC: The orders say that I have sole possession of the home, so I can have the locks changed if I choose. The trick will be finding a locksmith who's not willing to do a little favor for a cop....my GF opened my eyes to that one.

He never calls, anyway, so....

He blocks his cell, so it comes up "private caller" on caller ID. The only other "private caller" that I know of is my sister when she calls from work, or my IC's office. They will both leave messages.

Are you referring to email, too? That would be the only other way. I guess I could figure out how to block email. Do I have to? As long as I don't respond, can't I read them?...or is that cheating?

What are the rules again? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> I suppose I should know.

Ahhh...tellin' ya. He'll be on cloud nine. This is going to be waaay harder for me than for him.

I feel good, though, for the moment. DS8 and I went to Blockbuster after pick up and picked out some movies. I'm making his favorite dinner (biscuits and gravy...ewww...I am a northerner, through and through so I don't know where this kid got hooked on this stuff) and we are going to do popcorn and movies tonight. DS11 is at a sleepover.

It snowed about 8 inches today, so he shoveled and I ran the snowblower. I actually got it going!!

Course it started to stink towards the end...kind of like how the vacuum cleaner stinks when the belt is going bad??? Sorry...I don't know what else to relate it to...anybody???

Sorry, Sis. No Contact means ABSOLUTELY NO CONTACT. This is a problem for a couple of reasons: Any contact with him will start your own WITHDRAWAL from HIM..which might occur in your case, not sure. Plus, he will know that you have read the e-mail..he wouldn't know FOR SURE that you did not..so there's a break in NO CONTACT in his mind...HE SHOULD HAVE NO AVENUE TO REACH YOU OTHER THAN COMING TO YOU BEGGING AND PLEADING...

Okay, then I'll need someone to tell me how to block his emails so he knows they are blocked or so they bounce back to him.

Please don't tell me you are suggesting I change my email address...??? That wouldn't accomplish the goal of him knowing that I'm not getting them. (did that make sense???)

What do you mean about me in withdrawal?

If you have sole possesion of the home AND change your locks... he would be committing a 1st degree felony by entering your home without invitation. Get a locksmith and change the locks or do it yourself if you only have a few doors. Very simple and easy to follow instructions for that job. If you have an alarm... change the code... if not consider installing one.

as far as the emails go... put him on your block list. If you are using outlook express... go to the tools tab and to message rules. Add him to the blocked sender list. He will know when he is blocked the next time he tries to send you something.

LS:

I wanted to comment on this:



I'm a Northener too!

And I can't get enough of the stuff!

I have to limit my consumption cuz LG wouldn't be able to see the golf ball....

LOL

LS:

It's going to be an ugly couple of weeks, then it will turn into a silent truce. See Silentlucidity's Plan B Thread. And Mimi's as well I pulled up last week. That's where the withdrawal comes in....

((((LS))))

LG

Lilsis,
You are getting your fix of WH too. It may not feel like it. But once its gone, you're gonna notice.

You will have to stop yourself from wanting contact with him. You'll find yourself thinking about him, wondering what he's thinking and doing. Trying to catch a glimpse of him when he picks up the boys...

He has occupied a very large space in your life. It is going to feel weird to you when its empty. That is why we suggest getting busy! Fill your time. Expend your energies. So that you can withdraw from him.

(Pay attention to those cravings and feelings cuz that is how he is gonna feel when he cuts off RT.)

We talk a lot about how the WS goes through withdrawal when they go NC. You're gonna experience it too.

Lil Sis,
I had a crazy day at work today and never checked in. I just read this whole thread. You are going to make it.

When you think you aren't come here and vent. We'll all be here for you.

You asked who else should get a copy. Dr. Harley says to send a copy to the OW. I would send a copy to Lisa. She can resend it to him when he wants to make contact.

Hang in there, honey. We're all praying and pulling for you.

Sis,

The letter looks good to me.

I wouldn't worry too much about the details of the comings and goings - these things have a way of working themselves out. A general outline should do. If you get too detailed, the other side will use it to "prove" how nutty you've become ("Look, she's even outlined to every detail how we are to exchange the boys, down to the exact time, where they are to stand and wait for WH, etc.").

For awhile, it might help if you just aren't there when he comes by to drop them off or pick them up, if you can work that out.

I agree with the others - if WH wants to be involved in the school goings-on, he is a big boy and he knows exactly where he can get a copy of the school calendar, activity information, and teacher contact information. You could give a copy of the school calendar when he comes to get the boys tomorrow, and tell him it's "his copy" and that he will need it.

That, along with the Plan B letter, ought to give him the message. If he can't figure out that he needs to get the boys early on Wedesday, it will be his first "baptism by fire", won't it? Just the FIRST on a long list of things you have always done that he will begin to see.......

You can prep him by being sure you have older son say something. A copy of the calendar. The comment he will need the calendar. But seriously, if WH is going to be on his own, as he has said, you have to let go and let him be on his own. And this includes allowing him to fail if it comes to that. BUT, you know what? He just might surprise you.

Wouldn't that be a great thing?

We can always hope.

SB

Yet!

I would second the motion to send one to the OW. I have never regretted doing so for a moment. It was my full-on declaration of war.