Okay, that's kinda what I thought...I just wonder if he'll try and pull that one on you (guilt trip ... the boys want to see the photos ... etc.) just thinking ahead. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I guess it's hard to anticipate all the sorts of things a WS will try to break NC in plan B.

Thinking of you this morning...

Have courage and believe!

Blessings,
Glad

LilSis,

I'm thinking of you this morning also... hoping day 1 of Plan B went well. Did you get any response from WH? I know I know that's not what Plan B is about.

Getting ready to wake my kids up to go out for breakfast and then to church. You'll be in my prayers this morning.

Still

Morning everyone...
Thank you for your prayers. No...no response at all from WH, but he has the kids so hopefully he is occupied with them. He's likely just rejoicing a breathing a huge sigh of relief, eagerly sharing with RT the happy news of my "giving up" and "setting him free." We'll see tonight when he drops them off if he abides by my terms of not coming in the house.

I'm sure he will. (assuming he read the letter) I will be upstairs, out of sight.

I keep swinging between the two extremes:
***I did exactly what I needed to do and this is the only way that WH will ever face reality and see the light.
***I just made a huge mistake and have just driven him right into RT's arms where he will stay forever and ever.

I suppose the truth is somewhere in the middle. It IS what I needed to do for me to keep my sanity. It WILL drive him right into RT's arms. The question is WH's response to that: will he see the light or will he stay in her arms forever and ever?

I would feel much more confident if I had done a Plan A from the start. I spent four months being so yucky to him, I just don't feel like a couple of months of a good Plan A could erase all of that.

(Hmmm...now that I write that...maybe that's a bit of what WH is experiencing?? "I was so yucky to LS that there's no way she could ever see past that.")

I was filled with such anger, hurt and pain that I had no idea how to manage the enormity of those unfamilar emotions. And the MC that WH and I saw on d-day +1 (previously scheduled because I was so fed up with the distance) said that the only way to recover was for WH to "HOLD MY PAIN."

That was my ticket to dump all over him.

It's in the past and I guess I have to forgive myself for it because nothing's going to change what I've done. All I can do is take care of today...this moment.

I've got a house to clean and laundry to do. I'm skipping church and instead will listen to last week's sermon on podcast.

An aside:

I've been skipping church lately because I always end up in some interaction with BIL and SIL. SIL is the one who is so vehemently anti-WH and totally in the curb-kicking camp. The two of them never got along...even when BIL and SIL were just dating (and they've been married 13 years). So I think there's this element of "told you so" on SIL's part regarding WH. But it just makes me feel bad...this guy is my husband and I love him...I feel like telling her to shaddup.

But she's been so good to me....

So I just avoid her so I don't have to take either side. I just wish she'd accept me for who I am and where I am, and not judge.

This whole experience has REALLY opened my eyes to that tendancy in people...to be unaccepting of others or to not be respectful of others in the face of disagreement, disappointment, or "wishing" they'd do things as you would. It is SO much out of caring and compassion, I know, but it ends up driving a wedge between people instead of drawing them closer.

Again, I read what I just wrote and see how that could apply to WH.

silentlucidity had a wonderful post yesterday? day before? that related to this...just being respectful of where her WH/FWH is. Not pushing, not pulling. Just being who she is, knowing her boundary. Allowing him to choose.

Anyway...off on a tangent I go...I forgot to mention this:

Folks have mentioned it in the past and I've not acknowledged it... I DID speak to DS11 yesterday about what I was doing. He knows that I have been trying, trying, trying to bring our family together, trying to reach out to dad and let him know how much I love him and want him to come home...and DS11 has told me that he wants me to do this.

So it was hard to tell him this. I explained that it is just becoming too painful for me to be sweet to dad while he remains so uncaring. I even told him that I had seen dad's truck over at the coffee shop on Friday AM (just so you know...DS11 knows everything...RT was his friend's mom remember) and that was the last straw for me...showed me how insensitive to my feelings dad is right now.

I told him that I still loved dad with all my heart, and I still wish more than anything for our family to be together, but right now dad doesn't want that, and it is so hurtful for me to see him and know that is true. Every time is like a stab in the heart. So I need to not see dad or talk to him anymore.

I asked DS11 how he felt about that and he said he was disappointed, but he understood. I could see in his eyes...I let him down. He wanted me to keep trying.

God...please forgive me for that...it breaks my heart to be the cause of MORE disappointment in this boy's life.

I'll have a talk with DS8, too, but he will need it stated in different terms.

Anyway...that was hard.

Sis,

YOU did NOT let DS11 down, WS DID! ALL of this is due to WS actions!

I know the pain that goes through your soul when you look in your child's eyes and see the hurt of having your family torn apart. You would give your life to take away that pain.

Your actions now ARE doing the only thing you can to make the BEST possible life for DS11, DS8 and LilSis. No matter what WS does, YOU are doing what is RIGHT and what is BEST for your family.

You know it, God knows it, all of us here know it, and maybe someday WS will know it as well.


My kids are my undoing, too. Anytime I feel like I am letting them down, I fall apart. I do a pretty good job of withstanding the horrible painful things WS says and does. But just one tiny disappointment with regards to my kids slays me for days.

STAND firm in knowing you are doing the absolute BEST you can for them. As you said, you can now use your energies to focus on you and on them!

I am so glad to read and "hear" more of the more confident and peaceful LilSis in your posts. You have done an outstanding job thru all of this. Your actions and efforts have been AMAZING!!

Hang in there and God Bless!

Lilsis... my son is 11 too. Trust me... he will understand what you are doing. Right now his response is emotional...he KNOWS you are fighting the good fight even if he can't express it right now. Trust me on this one... I speak from experience.

Praying for you today.

MEDC

Just want to say good luck and keep the faith. I have an 11 yo son too. They get it. There is enough on television these days for them to understand. My son also knew OW as she worked for H.

Regarding going to mass...I had to discontinue as I would be crying for the entire hour and my son had to hold my hand or some other coping mechanism. We sat way in the back corner in order to hide my breakdowns. Finally, we just went to the church in the afternoon on Sundays to quietly pray on our own. It was extremely helpful to be able to speak to God in my own way without any distractions and the tears could fall. We were still keeping holy the lords day, just doing it differently. We still do this now...except when he is alter server.

Praying for you today.

cc1: I actually stopped going to Mass for another reason...it reminded me too much of my dad. He and I used to go together every Saturday night, all through HS and college, until I moved out of town. After he died I would sit there and weep, all I could do was miss him.

So lately I've been going to a Christian Reformed church with a service that is VERY similar to Mass, but just different enought that I'm able to feel peace...not pain. It is BIL/SIL's church. WH and I never went there together, but apparently WH went with his dad one Sunday (post d-day), and said to his dad, "I wish LS and I had come here."

The second time I went to the CRC church, the sermon was on David and Bathsheeba. Can you imagine!! I was sobbing...racking sobs. Poor DS11 and DS8 were so worried, hugging me and patting me and asking if I was okay. BIL and SIL had tears in their eyes as well. It was only a month after d-day....everything was so fresh.

I love your idea of going to the church and praying quietly on my own. If I cry, then at least I don't have to hide it, and I could tell the DS's that it's fine if I cry and not to worry.

I've been reading a lot of spiritual books, too, so I feel like I am doing that WORK...deepening my relationship with God...even if I am not doing it within a church community right now. Sometimes just being outside, marveling at and rejoicing in God's creation is helpful, too.

Thank goodness you're in Plan B!

I stayed away and didn't read for a bit, and when I did come back I saw how your love bank for your husband was very low, compared to before my break.

Now I return again and I'm happy to see you're protecting the love that's left from being depleted entirely.

Here's a tip about Plan B. Almost everyone asks at one time or another whether or not certain interaction with the WS is okay when in Plan B.

I always say "If you're meeting their needs, then don't do it"

Remember, one of the purposes of Plan B is to withdraw all need meeting thereby allowing sleazy RT to fail at trying to fill that void, which she WILL.

Always praying for you, Sis.
Jo

p.s. You can try and polish a turd till your arms fall off, but its still a turd.

AMEN!!!

Not feeling so well today...hope I'm not coming down with something. I have vertigo...any suggestions? I took a motion sickness tablet...??

No worries about breaking Plan B for today. I'll probably need those reminders, though. But for the most part, I think I'll be a pretty good Plan Ber (short term). I want away from this drama so badly. Once the school week gets started tomorrow, back into the routine, I'll be in pretty good shape. WH only has the boys on Weds., then he leaves on Monday for Phoenix. So I won't even have to work at it then.

Long term Plan Ber...probably not so good.

I just had this image of WH showing up at conferences (say he calls the school and pleads ignorance of conference times and charms the info out of the secretary).

I know this is getting WAAAAY ahead of myself (the conf. are on Weds.)...but if that happens do I turn around and walk out or do I attend the conference as if he is not there, and do not speak to him after or before?

Also...WH NEVER calls to chat with the boys. Never. But he may want to while he's in Phoenix or en route, or at some point he might decide that his sons actually deserve to know that their dad cares and maybe he sould occassionally touch base with them. So how do Plan Bers handle phone calls to the kids?

One last thing:

Since it always seems to help to put these thoughts out there instead of letting them roll around in my brain...here's one that came to me earlier:

I had another image...of WH and RT laughing over my heart-felt, soul-baring, wrenching PBL...ba-ha-ha-ing. "Who does she think she IS? Setting terms for RECONCILIATION? HA!!! What a JOKE. Doesn't she know this is the answer to our PRAYERS?? She TRULY is crazy."

Popping the champagne corks.

Why do I care? Their evilness should not bother me. I am a beloved child of God, wrapped in his loving embrace always.

It is evilness, isn't it?

YES, ABSOLUTELY!!

And..given RT's nature and style, I doubt that he shows her the PLAN B LETTER...and if he does, SO WHAT? She should feel threatened by its contents. You did not just GIVE UP. You provided a ROAD MAP back home to you.

Thanks, mimi. I'm going out for a walk down to the river. It is a beautiful bright sunny day...balmy 29 degrees! Maybe it will clear my head. The outdoors always makes things seem more hopeful...gives me perspective.

LilSis, get a phone for your boys so that they can contact their dad when they want and he can call them when he wants, leaving you out of it.

It worked well for me.

Lilsis-

I get vertigo too and find that it sometimes lets me know when I'm getting a cold before any other symptoms hit me. I usually take a half dose of a non-drying sinus pill and that helps with the dizziness. Ask a pharmacist. They tend to know about over the counter medicines as well.

Hope this helps.

Hang in there-you're doing great. And don't dwell on possible scenerios, it doesn't help. Pop a new thought into your head-a great memory with your kids-or do what my DS-14 does when he is frustrated-he watches Monty Python and the Holy Grail or a variety of Mel Brooks movies.

LilSis,

Even if your WH and RT did laugh over it.... there is no way it won't seep into your WH heart. And I betcha it's going to make RT a little nervous.

If you have to think about them reading the letter together maybe try thinking of you WH face dropping because no more LilSis. And RT seeing his expression of concern.

And the week he is away he won't be with her. And she will be wondering if he is thinking about the beautiful letter LiLSis wrote WH. Not some nasty TM or e-mail that they were sending back and forth. But a heartfelt letter of love of the history that only the two of you shared. You can bet if she sees that letter it's going to haunt her.

I hope your walk helps...

Still

I did my old three-mile loop. There was hardly anyone else out...can't believe it! It was windier than I had expected, though...I forgot to check the wind chill so it actually felt like 14, not the balmy 29.

It was so peaceful...beside the still waters...restoreth my soul.

The snow was ankle deep most places; knee deep in others, so it was a good workout.

I'll check into a cheap-o pay as you go phone for the boys. It may not even be a problem...we'll see.

johnstwin you are the second person to recommend Monty Python to me. Non-drying sinus...is that benadryl or Sudafed?

still, I am going to send a copy of my PBL to MIL. I left a message on their cell earlier today asking her to call...I don't know if they are retrieving cell messages or not since they are visiting FIL's sister. Anyway, she will have a copy just in case she needs to reference it or know what the terms are while WH is there.

I'm going to make myself a warm carnation instant breakfast (got hooked on that stuff during my infidelity diet) and make some granola for the week. Yum. Still didn't get my kitchen cleaned. grrrr...

Happy Sunday, Lil Sis.

I never knew how many vibes were out in the world til I decided to pray for you when I see one. My MIL totalled her car last weekend. I spent yesterday car shopping with and for her. You were prayed for so many times yesterday <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

This morning, there were 2 of them in the parking lot near me at church- 2 more quick prayers.

I believe the non drying sinus is a decongestant - not an antihistimine.

As for the phone, depending on your plan you may be able to add a line for abotu 10 dollars and share the minutes. If you and ws are on the same plan it would just be adding one more line. This would be good so that you can talk to the boys when he has them without going through him.

It would be hard for me not to ask the kids how dad is doing, what did you do, etc. You'll have to refrain from that, too. Of course you don't want to squelch them telling you about things about THEM, just don't encourage them to give you info on him.

I am sending you a few more scriptures to read.

God Has A Positive Answer
For all the negative things we have to say to ourselves, God has a positive answer for it.
You say: "It's impossible"
God says: "All things are possible" (Luke 18:27)
You say: "I'm too tired"
God says: "I will give you rest" (Matthew 11:28-30)
You say: "Nobody really loves me"
God says: "I love you" (John 3:16 & John 13:34)
You say: "I can't go on"
God says: "My grace is sufficient" (II Corinthians 12:9)
You say: "I can't figure things out"
God says: "I will direct your steps" (Proverbs 3:5-6)
You say: "I can't do it"
God says: "You can do all things" (Philippians 4:13)
You say: "I'm not able"
God says: "I am able" (II Corinthians 9:8)
You say: "It's not worth it"
God says: "It will be worth it" (Roman 8:28)
You say: "I can't forgive myself"
God says: "I FORGIVE YOU" (I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)
You say: "I can't manage"
God says: "I will supply all your needs" (Philippians 4:19)
You say: "I'm afraid"
God says: "I have not given you a spirit of fear" (II Timothy1:7)
You say: "I'm always worried and frustrated"
God says: "Cast all your cares on ME" (I Peter 5:7)
You say: "I don't have enough faith"
God says: "I've given everyone a measure of faith" (Romans 12:3)
You say: "I'm not smart enough"
God says: "I give you wisdom" (I Corinthians 1:30)
You say: "I feel all alone"
God says: "I will never leave you or forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5)

hope your day is blessed

sis

did you read my post about what you might expect when your WS reads your letter?

LS - excuse the tangent - but please tell me how you dress & what kind of boots you wear to be able to walk in those conditions and not freeze to death!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I have been excusing myself from exercise a lot due to the weather, but haven't had to deal with anything quite that drastic!!!