I don't STRONGLY feel that there's a SCHEME..but I still say DON'T BE SURPRISED about anything...

Your WH is acting OUT OF HIS CHARACTER AND SO DID MINE...

I say these things to forewarn you so you won't be surprised..I certainly PRAY THAT I'M WRONG...

I didn't LISTEN to FOLKS that forewarned me...and I'm sorry that I didn't...

My observations are meant to HELP..not to HURT...

This all being said....

I AGREE A ZILLIONTH WITH EVERY WORD THAT TA SAID...

http://www.totsafe.com/homealone.htm

thought you might want to look at this Lilsis.

It IS hard to switch gears, Plan A to B.

I think you've more than earned yourself a break, Sis. Maybe a few weeks of light fun plans (or no plans) and nothing else is in order for you.

My point for adding a goal to your plate is to fill that area in your brain thats been habitually occupied with WH and what he's doing/saying. I think once you feel re-freshed, you should find something YOU love and emesh yourself in it.

Plan A work can become an addiction in of itself, yanno?

Jo

Yup. An addiction I want desperately to break.

In terms of the short-term...I'm still really looking forward to the Chicago trip for St. Paddy's day weekend. There were a flurry of emails over the weekend...where we are going, who's driving, what do we have to bring...everyone's EXCITED (me, too)

That will be fun, fun, fun.

I also very much want to treat Lisa to something at the spa. Massage, facial, pedicure...something we can do together.

Maybe some new cooking? Have the boys choose some new recipes to try for them to make? That kind of low-key, homey, fun kind of stuff. Maybe I'll have them teach me how to play their favorite x-box game...that would be hoot.

Yes...right now I need to think short, short term. A little breather. Get my feet under me while I make the transition and start feeling comfortable with focusing on MY life, what I need.

Maybe it just comes slowly...?? One day I'll wake up and realize that I went five whole minutes without thinking about WH. Yay!

The good news, too, is that the new job stuff should start kicking in in May-ish. That would be a great thing to emesh myself in...a whole new project, working with a new team on a brand new initiative.

Yes...right now I'm not in a position to commit to anything...a class, a book club...none of that. Just breathe, look around at the scenery of my life, count my blessings...of which there are MANY MANY MANY!

I know I am blessed and fortunate. Why am I not HAPPY? I mean all the time, like I used to be; laughing and smiling my way through life. Somewhere I lost that.

{{{{Lil Sis}}}}, you can only tell them your truth and what your actions mean. Then you let it go! This is where you HAVE to trust God-- one way or the other. You can't ask "but HOW will this work if they don't do what I think they need to do." As in the words of Kim Clements (a current day mighty man of God) -- get the HOW out! Leave it to God. Hand it over to HIM. You can't control them just like you can't control WH. You CAN control whether you allow all the circumstances (you SEE) to determine what happens in the future (what you DON'T SEE).

Ahhh...you are so right, meggy. I can share my truth with them, and hope that they understand and see things the way that I see them, but ultimately, it is up to them.

I guess I am most apprehensive about how I will feel when they don't do things "my way." Which is the eternal question, and the one I need to keep challenging myself on. Let them be them, and respect them, be compassionate towards them.

But it will alter our relationship.

Thus needing to find a new life for myself, and a new support system, continuing to BUILD my faith in God. Feeling a sense of confidence from that faith. I'm getting there. I'm at least understanding what I DON'T know, which is the first step, right?

I asked SL about this on her thread this morning...she said it was about a month before she began to feel like she was focusing more on HER than on WH. She also said, "one foot in front of the other."

A step at a time. Don't get all hung up on the future...just as you said...What I DON'T SEE.

That is somehow so freeing.

Yup. Step by tiny little step. All these tiny steps add up, slowly.

Here's the upside; you now have absolute permission to let go of worrying about anything else but you and the boys. Everyone else in your world carries their own burden. You get to be ruthless about it.

TA

WOW! That IS freeing! Let's keep this our secret or you'll have everyone fleeing into Plan B.

That is a very succinct way to put it. Is it my problem or a problem for my kids? No? Alrighty then! (brush hands and walk away)

It is a great way to look at Plan B related to WH.

Half day of school on "his" day? Not my problem.

Not certain when conferences are? Not my problem.

No place to keep the cat when you go to sunny AZ? Not my problem.

Feeling strapped? Not my problem.

Am I getting carried away?

LilSis,

My WH stayed with his stepfather and half-brother BOTH times that he left. They supported my position, but were in their own precarious placement in the middle of this mess. I could not control others' and what they had to do in order to sleep at night.

My family lives in the same town, but were very much wrapped up in themselves. My mother is gone, and his mother is gone. I relied on myself, my resilience, my friends. You will be fine. I would let him go and find your way, SLOWLY.

Support is HERE, also. I know we are not close or right in front of you, we can't hold you, but we hear you. We know you, we are you...

I wouldn't set this boundary with IL's; it's a tough battle for them, very difficult to choose to deny their son. ANyway, you don't really have any answers about his visit. Wait for information, prior to specualtion. It's rough on you. I would also refrain from talking about your WH with the IL's so that you are dark, it goes both ways. WH doesn't know about you, you don't know about him.

Tough situation, Sis. You will be fine, baby steps...

Thasss right... Those are thing you no longer have to FIX for WH. He gets to experience life without his FIXER for awhile.

You and the boys in the meantime get to grow closer and tighter as Mom focuses more on (1) God, (2) Mom and (3) the boys (in that order)-- cause neglecting any of these three things (right now) makes life hard, hard, hard.

LOL. Not in the least.

You can only give away the energy you've got spare - ever.

Right now, you're in the middle of a huge period of turmoil and transition. This needs every bit of energy you've got. If you use up your resources on problems which other people are capable of dealing with themselves, you'll not be able to keep going yourself. It's that old chestnut, healthy selfishness.

Forget about what people think of you. This is survival.

TA

Don't stress your MIL too much, no matter what she does. The others are right, that she has been far better than most, and not everyone can be Melody Lane. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I feel like I gave up by ending Plan A. Did I give up? Did I give up on me, on him? Did I hand my H to that wh*re on a silver platter? (Daze that phrase is etched in my mind)

I guess only I have the answer.

I have felt so much better today. So much lighter. Not perfect, but not stressing over what I'm going to do to meet WH's needs today. It felt good to walk out of the office, good to go grocery shopping. It was about me, the boys, what do WE want to eat? What can WE make? It felt freeing.

Even a sense of, hey, I can do this. I'm okay. I'll BE okay. I deserve so much more; I deserve this sense of freedom. I am special, unique, and that immoral, lying RT can't hold a candle to me. The fact that he would choose her over me says more about him than me. So many people love and care for me. I know that's still basing my self worth on what others think...but d*mn it feels good to reflect on how many people enjoy me, like me, laugh with me. How people turn to me for help, when they have a project and just want it DONE NOW, need a letter of recommendation, need a good idea, need a shot of creativity, need someone to laugh with.

I'm valuable, and I am worth loving. I do not deserve what WH has done to me; how he's treated me; how he's devalued me.

If WH and I did reconcile, would I ever be able to walk through the grocery store with him and wonder if he is looking at every woman there? Would I ever trust him again? Would I wonder forever? And is that how I want to live? Can I respect him again?

Yes, I want my sons to have an intact family. Yes, I want to sit by my H when they get married. Yes, I want to share my life with H. Yes, I want to be with him. Yes, I want to be a part of his family. Yes, I want to realize all the hopes and dreams we had when we started out. But can we ever have that again? Would there forever be a cloud over us?

It has been so long...and SOOO much has happened. So much ugliness, so much betrayal.

Is it really possible? I guess with God anything is possible.

So....maybe I did hand RT my H on a silver platter. I don't want to think that, I want to think I did everything I could do without sacrificing my sanity. So maybe a better way to look at it is that he handed himself on a silver platter. He sacrificed himself, me, our children, his family....to her.

I can hold my head high...knowing I did all I could....walking away with my sanity and dignity intact.

But did I give up? Did I give up on him?

Sis, if you gave up then we wouln't be reading your lastest posts.

No you didn't give up you just changed gears.

Also, you didn't give RT anything. Your WH gave up his own principles.

I can only guess how much respect he will have for you oneday for doing this.

YES, the answer is yes. And its the same answer whether its you asking these questions of yourself or it's your husband asking in a quiet moment, which I'm sure he has.

Jo

Hi Lilsis...
You are doing great!

Did you ever go back and read the posts you hadn't read on page 12? I want to be sure you had a chance to read the story I wrote out called A Parable About the King, because it so directly relates to being a valuable and beloved child of God and I think it will really speak to you right now.

If you read it, I'm glad! (And I'm not looking for any special acknowledgement, I just wanted to be sure you read it because I thought it would touch you!) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Page 12 on your thread.

Hang in there and stay strong!
Blessings,
Glad

No, Lilsis, you did not give up. If you had given up, you would not be here asking and wondering. I want to remind you to envision a drug addict. You have had a affair-addict in your house, and in order to keep getting his "fix" he has brought sleezy, criminal-types into your house and into your life. Just like any addict, he does not see how stealing from you or hurting you does any harm--all he sees is the "fix." And like any addict, he is willing to steal or harm in order to GET his "fix". Soooo...like anyone would do if their own child were a drug addict--first you gave him rules that he refused to follow--outright refused. Then you showed him how living at home was a privilege, and one that he could lose...and that didn't motivate him to stop his drugs. Then you began to take away some of his privileges while simultaneously enforcing rules...and that still didn't motivate him to stop! Finally, he allowed someone into the house who took away the PRIZED POSSESSION that cost a LOT! And like anyone else who has had an addict in the house, you were put in a bad spot. You HAVE TO protect yourself and your home from the addict, because they can not think straight...you had to kick the addict out.

Now, no doubt the addict will spin a horrible story of abuse that you "kicked them out right when they needed you" blah blah blah. But the fact is, the addict will not stop doing their drug UNTIL THEY HIT ROCK BOTTOM and face the full consequences of their drugs. You made it so that can happen FASTER for him. You made it so that he does not suffer so long in his addiction. But in a way, it feels like you have completely given over your loved out to drugs, doesn't it? Like, "Now I've let him have all the coke he can shoot up!!" and you know what? You're right! He's free to snort his drug now all he wants! And you know what he'll find out (a lot faster, btw)? That his drug does not give him the high. That being at home was good. That he MISSES it. If you had let him stay at home and do his drug--it would have taken him a lot longer.


LilSis--think of a drug addict again. If the drug addict...ALL ON HIS OWN got himself into a rehab program...and on his own attended NA meetings...and on his own freely admitted that he was DEEPLY wrong and that now he sees what harm he did, whereas under the influence of the drug he didn't see it. Would you trust that drug addict again? Maybe not right away. But if the drug addict was where he said he was going to be...and with whom he said he was going to be. If the drug addict attended church on his own and you could see by his life that he had a relationship with God--a baby one, but it was a start! If the drug addict made the effort to stay away from his old junkie friends and make new, BETTER friends...and if the drug addict made specific efforts to tell you, "I don't want to GO to XYZ grocery store because there is stuff there that tempts me and I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stand against it yet." Would you begin to trust that drug addict again? If, over time, you could SEE the change in the drug addict's life, because of the changes HE made to his own life--can you see how and why you might be able to begin anew?

LilSis--this is what we are suggesting/encouraging for your life. For a long time now, you let your addict stay and tried to show him that you what he would be losing if he kept chasing his drug. Now, you need to let him catch the drug and decide FOR HIMSELF to stop chasing it. There's no way for him to see that (and see it quickly) if he doesn't lose it for a while.

Soooooo...for now, I have a suggestion. Do something uniquely YOU. You know how your WH never let you buy red pillows for the couch because they were too "loud"...but you LOVE red pillows?? Go buy some red pillows. You know how you could never leave your shoes in the middle of the room because he didn't like that? Wantonly leave them in the middle of the room and enjoy it! Eat cake for dinner. For now, do was is uniquely YOU.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Speaking of being free to do what YOU want now... as Reba says... "We're gonna eat hotdogs for dinner... and we're gonna eat 'em in the bathroom!" LOL <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

NO .... not your H, not at ALL....

The wh*re is the one who welcomes the WH TURD ... your H is nowhere to be found lately

don't confuse the two

Pep