LS:


My only thought:



Yes, it is.

And, parents will always side with thier children when push comes to shove.

"I'll have no place to stay!"

"It will cost me a lot of money, and I'm trying to do right by your grandkids"

Tough love is great. But very few practice it. And only after being abused by the person who needs the tough love.

And WH has not yet abused his parents in anyway that would cause them to go to "tough love"

Because if they were not enabling him, they would not have let him stay in the house longer than a week.

Allowing him to come visit while he is still seeing the OW and destroying his M.

So.

You can ask your IL's for support in this. And state what you would like to happen and why you think it would work.

And hope they do that. And do not expect anything more.

Sorry, Sis. You are in this alone. You can use the MIL as a source of comfort, and understanding. But do not expect anything more than that.

Really. And I know that is heartbreaking for you. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

((((LS))))

LG

LilSis,

She has been with you suppporting you right from the beginning. She loves you, she loves her grand children and she loves her son. Right now WH is not the son she know or can be proud of. She has told him that she would never accept RT right? Tell her....

And if she doesn't respond (which I highly doubt) come here and we will comfort you.

Still

I think LG is right. Very few have the courage to do what needs to be done. I think MIL sees this all more clearly than FIL does.

Your best hope is to lay it all out there for them. Let them know what your MB plan has been all about. And that your plan means that you are there for WH and want him to come home. But he won't until the consequences happen. And if they protect him from those consequences, the chances of their GRANDCHILDRENS family being restored is much less.

You know they love those little boys. Ask for their help in protecting their grandson's family.

And then hope. That they do the right thing, instead of the easy thing.

lilsis, your thinking is logical...and I agree 100% that he needs to take responsibility for HIS actions...

sounds like you and MIL are pretty tight...thats good, I hope it works out the way you want it too, I think you should consider that they MIGHT not kick him to the curb, and think about your move IF that happens...just in case, then you are not floored. you know what I mean??? hope for the best, prepare for the worst

As much of a support as your Il's have been Lilsis... please do not forget that this is their son. You may be blindsided by some of their actions in the future if you fail to remember that. I agree with your take on things and would like to see them follow through...but if they feel that there is NO CHANCE of a recovery of your marriage... they are unlikely to do things that will see them lose their son. JMHO. I am not saying I know how they will react... I am just suggesting that you mentally prepare yourself that they may not react the way that you want them to. They may not see their dealings with their son as enabling moving forward. Don't take it personally... even though it feels that way...as it will not be an assault against you... just misguided loyalty to their son.
Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

MEDC

Okay...so it sounds bleak.

So, prepare for the worst. How do I do this? Assuming the worst, do I just accept who they are, what they are capable/incapable of, and let it go?

Or do I set a boundary and enforce it? (To protect myself from hurt, I can't have a relationship with you if you ....yada yada)

Or do I just tell them how their lack or support for my position and enabling of their adulterous son's behavior is hurtful, erodes my trust in them, erodes my ability to be open and vulnerable with them? And do my best from there??

Ugh. I don't want to go here. It stresses me out just thinking of this confrontation, and I know it will be a confrontation. I know I am going to be disappointed...AGAIN. And by MIL, who has been my ONE source of unwavering love and support through all of this.

Why do I keep feeling let down? And when I feel let down and/or disappointed, I don't respond well.

I am already feeling let down, because MIL hasn't called me. She called on Thursday night, after I left a sobbing message about the settlement conference notice. When she called at 11:30 my time, I was half doped up because I had taken a Xanax. We spoke briefly, but I asked her to check on me later in the weekend. Nothing. I left a message on their cell yesterday and she never called.

Maybe I can't count on her as much as I thought. Now I feel REALLY REALLY alone. I don't know if I can trust her.

Thank her for her support, point out that he is a big boy and needs to face the consequences of his own actions, let her know that you will miss them terribly if you can't come over there because he is there, and let it be.

It is not the death of your chances, even if it feels like it. Not biing kicked out might stretch the timeline for the death of the A, but will not likely alter the outcome. In other words, it may take longer but I believe it will still end the same. (I would also caution you against telling your MIL too much, strategy wise. I think telling her you had to remove yourself to protect your love for WH is fine, but wouldn't go into Plan A/Plan B in case she let something slip.)

I don't know why your MIL hasn't called, but even when every human support is taken away, we still have God. You not only have God, you have us, too.

Even if it doesn't feel like it, you're doing good at this.

{{{{{{{{Sis}}}}}}}}}}

(((LilSis)))

Maybe MIL hasn't got the message yet. I know sometimes on my cell I'll get VM days later.

I'm not sure what to say about the boundries with IL's. I am watching very carefully because I am following very soon. Although your IL have been a lot more supportive then mine. Mine are loving when they see me but have never called to see how I'm doing! Which kind of hurts. I mean I'm the mother to thier only grandchildren. My kids see this... and it's not really putting them in a favorable light.

Hopefully she'll call soon and you can get a "feel" from that conversation. I'm wondering also if WH let them know about the letter.

Still

Here's Mimi again...speaking the voice of truth.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

All along I've been suspicious about his visit with them...

I hope I'm DEAD WRONG but I'm thinking that something is up...

It doesn't MAKE SENSE to ME that he would leave RT at this time and that she WOULD LET HIM..if this is not part of SOME SCHEME of theirs...

Would your ILs let him borrow money..for a place of his own?

Could he be going to convince them to let him stay at their house?

Even if you lose the support of your MIL..and of course I'm praying that this doesn't happen for you, Sis...you will still be OK..you will gain much EMOTIONAL STRENGTH..as I did, in learning how you can DEPEND SOLELY ON YOURSELF and the GOOD LORD for survival...WHAT A VALUABLE LESSON THAT I HAVE LEARNED FROM ALL OF THIS...Because HE is the ONLY ONE that was WITH ME IN THOSE MIDNIGHT HOURS...TA has gotten me self-conscious about this but I always feel compelled now..out of habit..to stress that this has been MY EXPERIENCE with no expectation for you to agree with me...

I give you these doses of REALITY, not wanting you to be as NAIVE as I was..I had NO IDEA that my FWH would PURCHASE a CONDO...even when my sources told me that it was TRUE..I said to myself NO WAY..that was JUST ONE of my SHOCKING SURPRISES along the way...don't put anything past a WH...

This is why PLAN B can be a lifesaver for you...as others have already said...You've got to LET HIM GO...and yes, LET THEM ALL GO..and completely TURN THIS OVER TO GOD..and focus on taking care of YOURSELF and YOUR BOYS...

NOW....WHAT HE DOES, WHERE HE GOES, WHAT HE SAYS TO HIS MOTHER..WHAT SHE SAYS TO HIM.... SHOULD NOT BE PART OF YOUR THOUGHT PROCESS....

Your message to your MIL should be..I HAVE LET HIM GO...PERIOD...

Thanks, Neak. I don't know why she hasn't called either...but they are out of town visiting family so maybe she doesn't feel comfortable making a call like that in that environment.

I should give her the benefit of the doubt.

I like your suggestion for what to say. And I don't want to give away too much strategy...I think she would not want to feel like she was being played or manipulated.

She told me she would totally understand and support me if I needed to go dark...she also says she can only do what is right for her and true to who she is.

I don't know if she has "tough love" in her.

I know I will still have God. I keep repeating Ps 23 over and over and over. It is so rich in imagery. I am a blessed child of God, wrapped in his loving embrace always. When I feel the fear, I have to visualize his cloak surrounding me, keeping me safe.

meggy...fyi...as I was walking yesterday, saying it over and over, I had to laugh to myself when I felt the urge to look over my shoulder for Goodness and Mercy.

We were posting at the same time again.

mimi:
They would not let him borrow money. No way.

He might be trying to convince them to let him stay...I'm sure that he will. Why move? Why have to find a place to live? Why have to buy furniture and pay for utilities to be hooked up? They only live there half the year, anyway. Those are the arguments he will make.

I pray for emotional strength. I feel tapped out. And if I lose MIL's support...mimi...no matter how deep my faith is...I will have no one, no one, no one who is HERE for me. Fear and desperation will set in if I don't have an emotional support system to help me through.

I guess I need a new support system. But everyone I know has problems of their own, kids to deal with, parents to take care of; I feel like a burden to people.

I cannot imagine any kind of "scheme" they might have. I just can't THINK of anything...I guess my mind isn't quite as devious.

FYI...the day he is leaving...3/12. That is their "anniversary." RT's email used to be beg312. I asked WH pre-d-day what the heck that meant, and he said, "Oh, I think it has something to do that she has 3 kids who are begging 12 hours per day."

No...clearly it was "began March 12."

I feel ill. I really need to speak to MIL.

Lilsis... you are not supposed to be dealing with this stuff right now. I do not agree with Mimi that there is a scheme...nor do I think your H needs RT's permission to go there.
But you need to calm down and work on a new support system. Stop worrying about what your H is doing now... this time is for you. If he stays there... he stays there... if they lend him money, then they do. You have no control over this stuff. Let go.

((((SIS))))

I understand. I HAD NO ONE EITHER. It was so sad for me when my YS, who was in high school at the time would tell me, "M, I was the only one there for you"...It continues to haunt me that he THINKS that I depended on him but it is true he was "THERE" in the house.

I found that I was able to TRUST IN THE LORD...I pray that HE WILL CONTINUE TO STRENGHTHEN YOU AND TO LIFT YOU UP...


((((SIS)))

LS,

Just wanted to say I'm keepin you in my thoughts and prayers.

(((LS)))

Completely agree with the quote above.

This is why I asked you Sis, do you have a plan for YOURSELF during Plan B. For example, Plan B time is a perfect opportunity to start thinking about goals and dreams you've had for YOURSELF but never acted on them.

I'd target something that's a semi-long term goal (1 - 2 years). I perceive you as someone who is goal oriented, true?

Jo

LilSis

Plan B is for you, the Betrayed Spouse. It's not for MIL, supportive though she undoubtedly has been. No mother is going to Plan B her own child.

Imagine this is you, in twenty/thirty years' time, and one of your sons has left his wife. You may feel furious with him, you may feel very supportive of your DIL, you may be very anxious to look out for your grandchildren. You might speak strongly to your son and make clear his responsibilities as taught to him by you. But, if the marriage does break up, would you want to have alienated your own son for good? If he got together with the OW, would you want them so hostile that you were exiled from any grandchildren from that relationship? (I know, this is the most nauseating thought, but it has to be tucked away somewhere in your MIL's mind.) Chances are the DIL would remarry and move away; she's not blood kin, the bond is different.

She's his mother, she gave birth to him and raised him. If it comes down to him or you...would you really, as a mother yourself, choose you?

Sorry, LS, this is a downer message, but over the years here I've learned how easily even the toughest MILs cave under threat of losing their child. Don't feel let down by your MIL - she's done very much better than most - but there is a limit to what you can ask of her. She may well be too scared of losing him to kick him out of the house, and if so, your boundary is clear. It doesn't make her an enemy, just a mother.

She's been a great prop to you so far - but now it's time to let go of that support and find your own, independent strength. I know how frightening and exhausting that looks from where you are, but believe me, you will gain from each draining minute. This is a big growth opportunity coming up (yes, enough growth already!).

From here on in, you need to peel your focus off of WH and the Turd. These two have occupied your mind, night and day, for months, so it's not easy to let go. Now it's LilSis time - time for all those parts of LilSis that have been languishing in the shadows for months and years. Find groups of people to have light fun and some companionship with. Join a book group, a writing class, a cinema club (no romance, of course!) Find people who don't know your situation well, so you have an environment where you're not the invalid, where you can just be 'normal'.

It will be OK. I promise you.

TA

Yes. a support system. That should be my focus. I will cope with the MIL issue in its own time. But I will need to deal with it....

I reached out to a friend here at work...we are not super close, but she has always been very supportive of me and MOST IMPORTANT, non-judgemental.

Compassionate. She might be able to give me some support. There are others, too...again, that issue with not wanting to be a burden is blocking me...

I need someone (or two) who allow me to be ME...putting their own opinions and points of view aside and just accepting of ME, my honesty, my feelings. Those people are few and far between.

Do you know what I mean?

My friend Lisa is one...but she's dealing with her own FWH.

mimi...I'm new to a relationship with God, so I don't know that I have the depth of faith to go there, to trust in him to lift me up.

I think DS11 also has that sense of being "there"...WAAAY too much to put on an 11-y-o. Whenever he sees me crying, he right away asks if he can make me some tea; of course I say yes. He WANTS so desperately to do something to help...what a tremendous burden, and it's not fair. And I take responsibility for putting him in that position, even if utlitmately the responsiblity is WH's. Still....I'm the one crying, sad, not eating....that's on me.

You are all right. I need to cut those apron strings. Just processing it through here this morning makes me feel less panicky at the thought. I need to grow up. I can't count on my "mom" forever.

I need to do the "there, there, shhh, shh" thing for myself. Or find friends who will do it for me, when I really need an actual shoulder.

Yes, it is absolutely frightening and exhausting and I have HAD IT with growth. I'm ready for the dang harvest.

Yes, Jo, I'm goal oriented.

If this helps...I'm "interviewing" for that new position here at work later this week. I have to re-do what was once the nursery...peel wallpaper, etc.\

I just feel so darn tired. Setting goals seems like one more "thing" I have to do.

The Chicago trip group plays poker a couple of times per month, but I've got the kids...sigh. That's the hurdle for a lot of this stuff...I wish the kids were one year older and then I could leave them for a couple of hours.

Just feeling a bit overwhelmed today, I guess....but I WANT to move FORWARD. I just feel tired, a bit at a loss, not sure "what's next" for ME or even how to figure that out.

It's hard to switch gears. I need help with this.

Lilsis... I know you know your kids best...but I will leave my 11 year old home for a few hours. He is pretty mature and I have great neighbors in case any emergency pops up. I know it is a matter of personal preference and maturity of the child...but give it a fresh look. Of course, my son never had a younger sibling to watch after though (and he has three big dogs here to "protect" him).

MEDC