Why can't WH keep the rats? The boys can have pets at both locations. RT would really get creeped out. Why should you have ALL responsibilities, they are HIS children, too. The more inconveniences you throw in his path, the better.

I wouldn't worry about the conferences, he probably is relieved he hasn't heard from you regarding this and will just "forget".

Keep planning a trip.....puts something great in YOUR path, it is fun to plan and anticipate.

Think back to Pep's PRAYER..keep that uppermost in your mind..he needs to SUFFER..SCRAPE THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL..SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES OF HIS ACTIONS..coming into the house meets an EN of his..DOMESTIC SUPPORT..WH thinking:" I can always come back to THIS if I need to..my family is just fine and dandy without me..or whatever.." I SAY THAT HE SHOULD ABSOLUTELY NOT BE ALLOWED IN THE HOUSE...

I agree with Mimi.

I agree with Mimi..... he should not be allowed to come in the house....filling an emotional need

Sis - You are doing great....

when was it decided that the rats will be coming home today?
i must have missed that.
do YOU want them there? only take them in if you REALLY wan that responsibility....and i agree w/ mimi....WH can not come in the house.

oh, and good morning.

Also, wouldn't the previous rat, new rats and dog (not to mention adult male) all help MIL reach her limit....who wants all those extra smelly animals in their house. I know I wouldn't. I like the animals we as a family picked out, not a constant influx of creepy small mammals that really do smell. I bet MIL will give him the "get rid of the animals or get out" speech. Let him bring the rats to MIL house. He will also get to hear from his kids "when can we come over to see the rats". More obstacles in the path of singlehood.

Agree, WH should not be allowed into your home with or without rats.

I think the baby rats have already been agreed on.
It would really disappoint the boys to reverse this decision.

I also agree with Mimi. Let him miss the comfort of the home/family environment.

i figured i must have missed or forgotten that the rats have been agreed on......i agree that she shouldn't REVERSE the decision now.....if the boys have their hearts set on it and she trully does not mind the rats.
i still think WH should stay out of the house.....is there a lot to set up, LS?

Neak here -

I like baby rats just fine. I think you'll have fun with them.

Big ratty WS's are not so fine. They are not housebroken, and need to be kept outside.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As to MIL, you should communicate with her by phone and explain Plan B to her in simple terms.
1. You are preserving your love for your H,
2. interaction with him is so very hurtful to you now
3. You want your H to come home and your marriage to recover but that cannot happen until WH breaks off all contact with RT
4. You sincerely thank her for her support and love and respectfully request that she not talk to you of WH and should not report on you to WH.
5. You will continue to support her role as the grandmother to your children.


All blessings,
Eaglesoar

change the locks on the house
change the garage door code [color:"red"] PLAN B means NO ENTRY [/color]

hang garlic at the door <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

yeah...Baltimore would mean you would have to drive to DC....it's about 45 mins. i think.
I just thought i'd mention it as an alternative....or maybe something to do for a day.....but DC will keep you plenty busy.
I prefer Baltimore during baseball season.

oh, and remember....garlic on the door! (i loved that one)

Okay...apparently the boys were picked up from school without incident...at least I didn't get a call.

Went to the first conference...no WH, and he wasn't on the posted list of conferences.

Which means he either didn't think to call, didn't want to come, or is honoring my request for NC in a big way. Somehow, he will end up blaming ME for the fact that HE wasn't there. Sounds about right, doncha think?

Okay, NO entry for WH tonight (that's what I thought). I don't think he'll push it...I suspect he got the message loud and clear if he didn't check in about conferences.

Yes...I am NOT AT ALL thrilled about the baby rats, but the kids are sooooo excited, there was no way I could refuse them. WH bought a huge cage and all the stuff for it (already set up), so I have no investment. The boys will be totally responsible for the care, feeding and cleaning up after the rats.

MIL has a soft spot for rats, too. The reason WH first got a rat was back in college...he was coming home for summer break and the rats in the psych lab were facing certain death, so WH "rescued" them. MIL was not thrilled either at first, but eventually got attached...I imagine after raising three boys she'd seen her fair share of critters.

cc1 is right...the critters MIL can deal with...the adult male WH is the problem. Yucky, smelly, infested with turds.

My intermediary checked in today...WH has had no contact with her either.

I will call tomorrow about getting the locks changed. They come the same day and just adjust the tumblers. No code on my 100-year-old garage doors, I do it the old-fashioned way. Nothing in there that he'd want, anyway. He already took his bike.

eaglesoar: Sounds pretty much like what I had planned to say to MIL in terms of explaining my current sitch. I am also going to send her a copy of the PBL. What any of it means for our relationship is a little up in the air. I think I will have to feel my way through it a bit. Go with my heart. I got all my venting out of my system on here yesterday. Thanks, all.

After the shortest "interview" in history, I accepted the new .5 FTE position. I told her I could start whenever she is ready to sit down so we can come up with a workplan. It's a brand new program, so much of it is up in the air and we'll figure it out together, by the seat of our pants.

Off to conference number 2.

Pep! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> ROFL!!

I agree with everyone--the "big rat" stays out. Plan B means that he has to live with the consequences of his choices...remember? I realize it will mean you have to set up the baby rats, but that's life with your boys.

Regarding your MIL, I have my own experience to share with you. My exH was/is a serial cheater; he does not "count" it as infidelity if it's only cybersex with a stranger! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> When we were in the midst of our D, he disappeared for months and told me he was with his mom...told his mom he was moving back with me! Well...one day she called and said, "Do you know where WH is?" and I just burst forth crying and told her everything that was happening in our M...and would she PLEASE help me save it by not condoning this behavior? Her response FLOORED ME: "Honey, I don't think it's right, but he's my son and blood is thicker than water." Needless to say, I disagreed and was very upset with her. BUT, she and I loved each other and I thought of her more as my mother than my own actual mother. At first, I think she did not believe that her opinion would mean much to WH, but as time went by, she did express her anger with his choices and disagreement with his behavior, and it DID impact him,

...so years later (after the D was final) she said to me, "I know we're not related anymore, but you were a good DIL and I loved you. Could we choose to be friends rather than being related through blood?"

LilSis, your MIL may react like my MIL. She may be afraid that she'll lose her son. She may think that what she says doesn't make any difference. But that doesn't mean she won't still love you and be hurt over the prospect of losing you because her son is being a heiney. You need to do what you need to do, regardless of her. And we pray...I pray...that she has the courage to do the right thing and not enable her son. But if she doesn't...don't think it's because of YOU. It's most likely because of her.

Your faithful friend,



CJ

LilSis: ...the adult male WH is the problem. Yucky, smelly, infested with turds.

You Betcha!!!!
ROFL

PGA

Congratulations on the new position !!!

sis

i think it's really important for your H not tobe allowed in the house.....

you see, that meets his need for "family" even if you aren't there or if you are in another room....he still gets the comfort of home and sharing it with his children

DON'T give him any comforts.....DON'T meet any of his needs

from all of my reading and considering what i think i should have done differently in my plan B.... by the time i found this site, my H was already living with the OW and had already "weaned himself from needing me and from the good feelings our home brought to him"....so my plan B was not effective

i think that going into plan B when they are STILL very involved with you and the life they are thinking of leaving is SO important.....these things are still meeting MANY of their needs

and to take EVERYTHING that you can away ALL AT ONCE leaves them feeling lost...........don't let him wean himself away gradually....

they need to FEEL the PAIN of losing what they NEED in order for them to be motivated to make changes

i know that it would be easier for your children.....and i know that it feels mean.....

for me it even gave me a feeling that he was still my H to have him in the house to fix something or pick up the dogs....even if i wasn't home

BUT that let him wean himself gradually away...little by little

kinds like that saying.....no pain, no gain

it goes for both of you

ps

i would advise keeping your relationship with MIL on good terms! It can only HELP!

Lil Sis, thinking about you tonight and your new little house guests. How'd it go? You okay?

The remainder of the day went without incident. WH was a no-show at the second P/T conference as well...no surprise.

I had my support group tonight, and arrived home about a half hour before the 8:30 expected return time. Left a light on in the kitchen and in the living room, and went up to my bedroom and just listened to the radio peacefully in the dark waiting for them to arrive. They were about 20 minutes late. I stayed upstairs, but I guess WH stepped in to help them carry in their stuff (including the rats, who are very cute, BTW), but he left promptly.

No stalling, no trying to see me, no taking out the garbage or recycling. He walked right past it.

I held the baby rats while the boys arranged all the rat toys just so in their monster sized cage. It has three floors, and of course each floor has to have a toy, and the boys had to negotiate where everything went, fill up their little water bottle, give them food. The little rats snuggled right into the crook of my arm while the boys did their thing.

I couldn't resist asking DS11 if dad mentioned anything about his leaving for Pheonix. DS11 said that dad said, "There's a chance I might not see you" presumably before he goes.

That might be tricky, as he is working Fri/Sat/Sun and leaves on Monday. I suppose having the boys for that extra two hours today since it was a half day makes up for not seeing them for over two weeks.

So chalk up the end of day four of being dark. Still feels easier than Plan A...more restful, more peaceful, less painful...but it is a challenge to switch gears, to stop thinking of WH, etc.

I keep focusing--very consciously--on the fact that that stranger is not my H.

I can see how Plan B will get easier with time. I enjoy focusing on myself, on the boys, on reading my devotionals, on being quiet and still. I enjoy focusing my energy on things that are positive and uplifting, as opposed to expending all my energy on WH, just to get shot down.

Remind me of this tomorrow and Friday, when I'm off work and will be at loose ends. Yuck.

CJ: Thank you for sharing your MIL experience and reminding me that whatever her decision, it is not a reflection on me (even though I will still probably experience it that way...)

I'm still looking up DC stuff. I want to find a place on the Metro...not too far out.

Thanks for your prayers, everyone.