LS - YOU know the truth of the situation and you are not letting his attitude change YOUR truth - the truth.

My WW is the same - spin the story to make her look like the victim in all this. Truly sad.

Hang in there!

Should she really be forwarding you his emails in their entirety? It seems like you need to be shielded from any unnecessary garbage he includes. Can she just communicate the salient points to you and not forward the whole message? The only necessary info in that email is:

(1) withdrew $200
(2) tax refund
(3) dates leaving/returning

STOP.

Your intermediary is supposed to EDIT his comments so that you are not "feeling" or "reading into" what he says or doesn't say.
Not healthy for you.

He is writing to GF -- NOT YOU. It would not be appropriate for him to pour his heart out about missing the boys, or appreciating you.
And you shouldn't be seeing his direct comments. Fix that.

Stop analyzing.

She should have communicated to you:

He withdrew $200 from checking for overage in child support for february.
He has not receive tax refund yet, but will settle with you when he does.
He is leaving for AZ morning of 3/12 and returning 3/23


Thats it. Anything else is extraneous and unnecessary. And you should not be reading anything in his words, forwarded to you. Because this is what happens.

DO NOT TRY TO READ HIS FEELINGS!

FF is right- she should not be forwarding it to you like that. She just needs to tell you the basics.

That is why you have her - to keep you from seeing those things- to guard you from having these feelings.

Plan B is DARK- not dim.

Reading what he wrote is CONTACT indirect, but contact.

tell her from now on, it is only the basics - what you must know.

hang in there - still praying for you.

Yes, I think it's common for the WS to write something to the effect of "Sorry you have to be put in the middle of this..."

I'm only in the third day of my Plan B, and my WW emailed my intermediary to tell him exactly that. (As if we're responsible for the insanity, eh?)

P.S. I don't think there's anything in this message that requires a response from you.

Good point. Excellent point. I hadn't thought of that...and obviously didn't talk to her about it.

Ouch, though...it still hurts. This is so typical. Maybe it's good for me to see how cold he is...how little this has impacted him. I would like to believe that he's at least feeling...something.

Instead, it's the same old, same old. "sorry you've been made the intermediary..." blah, blah. She's my BEST FRIEND. Who the he11 are YOU to apologize to her?? After what you've done to ME, her best friend?? Do you honestly think your "apology" holds any water with her?? She's been in my shoes...and he knows this. She has ZERO sympathy for him, and he knows this, too.

Does he really think that she wouldn't do anything to help me through this? If he had any sensibility, he would be thanking her for being a good friend to his WIFE, to someone he hurt so terribly, to someone he continues to hurt. Instead, he apologizes for ME.

He's nuts. WHY DOES THIS HURT???

If he had any sense??....he doesn't. nada. none. he's an idiot.
period.
he's defensive and coming off like a cold hearted d*ck....nothing new.

ofcourse it hurts....that is why you are want to emilinate details. keep it simple.
focus on you.

good moring!

LilSis,

You are in Plan B now. You need to separate from this crap he is doing. It's why we are all at the soiree now. It's not easy and it will get better each day but you have to let this go now. For you and your kids.

Have your friend boil down and filter the information from now on so you don't get the whole manipulative, button pushing crap.

I just emailed GF and told her to filter out the cr*p next time. She had already replied to my first reply to her...told me to ignore it, let it go, for me not to worry about his comments to her.

She's so good for me. I hadn't even considered her needing to filter stuff from him, so we've just learned a lesson.

It does get better, Sis. Yes, it hurts, but it will lessen with time. This is your time to rest from the chaos. Take advantage of it while you can and regain your strength.

This war isn't over yet.

Fox

Of course it hurts LilSis, and the others are right. I told my intermediary after he spilled SOME (not all) of the details that I only want to know select details, and NOTHING more:

1. Emergencies
2. Anything regarding the welfare of my child
3. If WW is interested in discussing (and willing to meet) the conditions of the PBL.

I added a common-sense clause to this, i.e. my WW mentioned taxes. My intermediary responded simply that Jay has filed his taxes.

When my WW spit some venom through email at me, which I know she did but NOT the contents (remember: Rookie Intermediary, now I will only know what I need to), my intermediary responded with:

"Thanks for the communication. None of this correspondence needs to be forwarded to Jay.

If you have an emergency, important info regarding the welfare of Jay's child, or would like to be in contact with Jay regarding the conditions of the letter, then feel free to contact me. I'm not interested in getting into any of the below."

WW responded. I don't know or need to know what her response was, intermediary DID NOT respond.

It's all about moving forward as if your spouse no longer exists. Your S doesn't! Only your WS does! You can't do that with reminders, continued hurt or obsessive thinking.

God Bless, my continued prayers for you and your family LilSis -

Jay

Thank you, Jay. I copied your suggested reply, modified it, and forwarded it to GF.

"Thanks for the communication. Much of this information does not need to be forwarded to LS.

In the future, please limit your communication to critical items. If you have an emergency, important information regarding the welfare of the boys, or would like to be in contact with LS regarding the conditions of her letter, then feel free to contact me."

I feel better about her replying with something like that. Lets WH know whose side she is on, and that she won't take any of his cr*p.

A position of strength.

From the things that you've posted about WH and his Type "A" personality, don't cha think that because she IS your BF that there's no way in heck that WH is going to let her SEE anything that he's feeling? or any WEAKNESS?

You have no idea what's really going on in his head. Written words are easily disguised. ((((Sis))))

Absolutely!!!

Now I'm going to take your modification of the intermediary response and forward it to my intermediary! I like that, good stuff!



So very true.
1. When written, they are shielded even more than when on the phone.
2. And in most cases: Words without action are BS! (The other meaning of BS!!!)

Shorter version: You don't care unless it's important or relevant! Because you have the power now. WH will break down over time - I believe that.

You deserve the very best outcome LilSis, my prayers go out for you to have your family back together.

Stay strong,

Jay

Reading Wh's feelings, knowing whether or not he "feels" anything serves no purpose in Plan B.
It's best to stay dark and to only deal with the facts that need to be relayed to you. Being in Plan B allows you a break from all of the analyzing and trying to gauge whether or not your words and/or actions are affecting WH. Unless he abides by the terms of your PBL and is ready to cut off contact with RT for good, it really doesn't matter what he is thinking or feeling. Protect yourself from all the unecessary communication, and be good to yourself. Take advantage of the rest Plan B allows you.

Just a thought about this. I've noticed that it's not unusual for Plan B intermediaries to 'resign' from the role because of the strain of providing a firewall against hot emotions from either or both sides. I know this is a good friend who is pulling for you - and you know her where I don't - but it might be easier on her to put as little emotional spin on this intermediary process as possible? As in, discuss how cold and uncaring he is when you're chatting to her, but keep the actual WS/BS communication role as spare and business-like as possible?

If she feels she has to get emotionally involved, sooner or later her emotions may take her somewhere different from yours...and that may cause problems. I think she agreed to this role somewhat reluctantly?

TA

Yes, she was reluctant. I think because she feels pretty hostile toward WH.

I'm hoping that she'll be more comfortable with the "job" now that she has an idea of what's involved. She just now emailed me asking about how any variation in kid's schedules would be handled...I told her I do not believe that will be a problem as I have all my ducks in a row...no foreseeable alterations in my schedule. If something comes up, I will make the necessary arrangements and she can just email those to WH.

For instance, I have a conference out of town end of March. I will make arrangements for the boys afterschool until he gets out of work, and GF can let him know where and when to pick up the boys; the next day was "his" day anyway. I had given him a head's up about this conference a month or so ago, and I go every year so it's no surprise.

I think GF will be much more comfortable in her role knowing that she's not going to get dragged into a shouting match...the conditions for contact are very clearly outlined, she has a standard response, and doesn't really need to engage with him at all.

I asked her...and she's okay with me venting to her.

Also, I was clear with her that if she felt overwhelmed, let me know, or ask her FWH to lay down the law. He's also 100% behind me, so I would hope it helps her knowing that she has back-up.

(((((LilSis)))))

For your first contact, you did a pretty okay job! That first one is a doozie, isn't it? But you know what I like? You learned from it. You'll do better next time, and so will your intermediary. Also, you freaked out and cried and got emotional, but after a bit, you dried your eyes and got back up on the Plan B horse...and now you're stronger than ever.

So for now, all I'm going to give you is encouragement. Good job! Also, one giggle <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> "..too bad you're in the middle of this..." (violin playing in the background) "...well I wouldn't be if you weren't screwing some other woman! I'm sorry your actions created a middle for me to be in, DUH!" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> WS babble is actually kind of amusing when you can sit back and look at it detached and 3rd party.

Your faithful friend,


CJ

Excellent.

TA