I just LOVE the coping techniques that I just read on your thread in regards to dealing with ANXIETY and FEAR. I found it sooo interesting that I tried all of those and they ALL WORK...GOOD STUFF FOR YOU, Sis...

In regards to your WH, I'm not saying that he is NOT PA..but to me, he sounds like GARDEN VARIETY WH again..BINGING off of OW before leaving her...

For an ADDICT, the main thing is getting the FIX...

That's what happens in the BEGINNING OF PLAN B..He feels FREE to GET IT all the TIME..no more putting up the FACADE of NORMALCY..YUCK...

It's both GOOD AND BAD that he's going away...

We'll focus on the GOOD for now and wait and see what happens when he returns...

Given that he's the WS, I still think there's some AGENDA behind this trip. Why else would he leave HER?

You can see how DISTRUSTFUL I AM of the WS. I WILL NEVER CEASE TO BE AMAZED to how LOW and DEVIOUS my then WH became...

Hang in there, though, Sis.

GOD is definitely working this out for you..but it's in HIS OWN TIME FRAME..not ours...

Take it ONE DAY AT AT TIME..better yet..ONE HOUR AT A TIME...

I drafted this earlier and must have forgotten to hit submit.

In order to be “nice” and to diffuse the issues that Mulan raised above, I asked the boys this AM if they wanted to call dad and say good-bye (they have not seen him or spoken to him since Wednesday). Both nodded their heads as they were eating their cereal.

DS11 called and told WH he was calling to say good-bye. They chatted for about 30 seconds about the rats. Then DS11 says, “okay, I love you, too.” And hangs up.

My head whips around. “What about DS8?”

DS11: Dad said he was just getting ready to hit the road. (to DS8) but to tell you he loves you.

LS: DS8, do you want to talk to dad? We can call him back quick a minute.

DS8 just shakes his head. I gave him extra attention this morning and he ate it up.

Unbelievable. If it weren’t so SAD I would be laughing at how ridiculous it is; what an alien jacka$$ WH is.

I am going to let MIL know about this little exchange, just to reinforce what I told her last night in the email. WH’s actions speak MUCH louder than his words, and she needs to REALLY understand that…

I know it’s not my problem…and this is it. Again, my last ditch effort to impact ILs and make sure they are clear on WHO this guy is…and how unworthy he is of their sympathy or support in terms of providing a place to live.

All I can do is share the facts…and let them sort it out. But I want to make sure they have those facts that I am privy to.

Sis,

Can you think of ANY reason why WH would feel so disconnected from DS8?

Consider all possibilities.

SB

I don't know if it helps or not to know this..but my WH did the EXACT same thing.

Remember like your WH, he was a GOOD GUY who took a WALK ON THE WILD SIDE..is how I refer to it...

He says now that he was "WALKING AWAY FROM EVERYTHING", thinking that he could NEVER RETURN...

I'll never forget when I REALLY NEEDED MY H to help me with some business matters regarding OUR SON he was nowhere to be found..cellphone turned off..not at his office...

During PLAN A, he was HELPFUL with our son...

DURING PLAN B, totally absent..never called him..nothing...YUCK

He became totally ENMESHED into his life with her..YUCK...

The GOOD PART OF IT IS that she WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MEET ALL OF HIS NEEDS..he needs to REALIZE THAT...

Initially, it's like a KID IN A CANDY STORE..but eventually the kid gets SICK of the CANDY and NEEDS SOMETHING ELSE TO EAT....

My H had resentment towards our YS, jealous of the time I devoted to HIM...

I guess he RATIONALIZED that as the reason for his AFFAIR..YUCK...

He is just now attempting to MEND their relationship...

So maybe this is part of his FOGGY, ALIEN SCRIPT...to JUSTIFY his AFFAIR...

The WS is DELUSIONAL..TEMPORARILY INSANE..Who knows what IRRATIONAL THOUGHTS he is using to JUSTIFY his BEHAVIOR???

I agree! I really need to get my focus off of WH and I plan to make a very conscious and concerted effort to do so! I am really so relieved that he is out of town. I feel free.

That said...
I really don't even want to think about the good/bad. I can ONLY look at the good that his going away does for ME ME ME! The impact on WH is not my concern (repeat this to myself over and over...=conscious and concerted, remember?)

I have no control over this, so I cannot waste emotional energy on it.

But since you ask, I will attempt an answer and let's just leave it at that. I SOO understand your mistrust. But I CANNOT THINK of ANY agenda that would be served by going there. I have racked my brain. His parents HATE RT and what WH is doing. That is NOT going to change ???

WH has ALWAYS been one to LOVE a road trip. He has many childhood and young adult memories of driving cross country to Arizona. He's also a momma's boy, and probably at some level wants to see her (especially since they no longer talk on the phone). I suspect that it's the call of the open road...celebrating his freedom and all...not so much addressing an agenda.

Heck they can have phone s*x all they want. It's still living the fantasy, so in a way it's still getting his fix. What's real life about taking off with no cares or responsibilities? It's all about HIM.

Thanks, mimi! I'm glad you think God is still working this out for me, and I need those reminders...one day at a time.

I will say again...I'M FREE!! He's gone!!! The ugly movies are not playing!! This is so good for me in Plan B. Yes, it will all begin again after he returns, but I do not want to dwell on that now. I want to enjoy and relish the feeling of having my SPACE back...

Make sense?

LilSis,

Just remember when he does return you will be 2 weeks further in Plan B and recovery of you.

Still

I cannot think of anything, except that WH was always very, very close with DS11. When he was a baby, WH worked third shift so that I could continue to work part time and we wouldn’t have to put the baby in daycare. WH would cart that baby everywhere for the first 2.5 years of his life. Also, DS11 knows about the A. Maybe WH is trying to compensate?

Also, the A has been going on for over a third of DS8’s life. WH has had other priorities for much of DS8’s existence.

WH never had the same kind of early bonding experience with DS8. I was home full time at that point, and early on, DS8 was a little more quiet and less outgoing than DS11…overshadowed by his very verbal older brother.

However…unless I had initiated it, WH would not have had ANY contact with the boys this AM, so MAYBE he was just itching to get off the phone...not caring if he talked to either boy, so it wouldn’t have mattered either way.

Were there other possibilities you were thinking of? DS8 can be VERY stubborn...but also so sweet and loving. I just don't get it. Maybe their temperment is too similar? Or too much like mine?

Maybe it's like mimi...he felt like after the second one came along, that I suddenly became less of a partner and more like a mother...??? Clearly having two changes the dynamic!

???

Was he always this way with DS8?

You know, it's hard to know. I always attributed how close WH was to DS11 to the bond they developed so early. I would say WH/DS8 were never as close. They didn't have the "exclusive" relationship.

But the blatent dismissal? No. He was always loving. He would get frustrated at DS8...and always thought he was a little "harder" than DS11. Of course he was...there were TWO now instead of just one, and every kid is different...but that's how *I* saw it.

Of course, it's hard to know...because for three years (as of today!) the A was going on and WH was distancing himself anyway, from all of us, and of course I had no idea why.

It's just hard to pin it down, SB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

And like you say Sis, it doesn't much matter...

He's a WS..not really THERE for either son..ABANDONING his FAMILY...YUCK...

He will have to MAKE A LOT OF AMENDS to a LOT OF PEOPLE whom he is HURTING...

Onward with PLAN B..in a way, it's better for them not to be in his presence RIGHT NOW...

I say that he's trying to BINGE...

I can't figure out why he's leaving NOW...

Men (even little men) tend to bond over activities.
Is there anything your lil D8 could get involved in with DAD?
Boy scouts?
Sports?
Fishing?

Poor kiddo.

Lex:

You know yourself that he's not going to do that stuff now, right?

Maybe I'm too realistic these days...

That's for the future..in RECOVERY...

Sis will have to be THERE for HIM now...to compensate for his F's NEGLECT...

There's PLENTY, PLENTY TIME left in the FUTURE for them to BOND...

LS,

Congratulations! You made through Monday! PEACEFULLY!

I am sorry about his disconnection towards your sons.

He will regret this one day. Kids don't let their parents off the hook.

So right now his head is too big. Conscience is seared.

The power, prestige, & the illusion of freedom.

Each day goes by you might find your self dis-enchanted.

Your so wise to step out of his parents role/shoes.

Not your role, or place. More to do with he/his dad.

Your sorting through this massive laundry pile just fine.

Give away, throw away, what to keep. Sorry we just can't use bleach on people to make them white, clean and fresh.

That's God's department and His job.

Yep...that's what I'm doing. Lots of time, extra attention, and special bonding with the boys....both of them, but especially DS8.

WH would not engage in anything "new" or "different" with either boy right now. He's just too preoccupied with his new life. I mean, he can't even call them to say good-bye when he's not going to see them for two weeks. He's a space case. Alien. Not a father...just an occasional babysitter.

Let's pray that it changes.

It may even be a good sign...it is so uncharacteristic and so unacceptable...he's not making ANY effort with the boys. I can't see that continuing long term. That reality will hit him at some point...especially once he's a daily presence in the lives of RT's kids, who are quite spoiled and lack intellectual curiousity.

But for now....

Even my neighbor has pitched in. He had them out helping spilt wood a couple of weeks ago, and took him out to a job site he had worked on to see the big loaders. And BIL always gives big hugs and musses their hair.

What can you do? Nothing...just make the best of a BAD BAD situation. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And pray.

Morning, LS-- thought about you often this weekend. Especially since I started reading this book called "The Divide" by Nicholas Evans. It's a fiction novel about a WH and the struggles all that brings to a family. Very good book and somethings the author has other people saying to the BS makes me wonder if he's read up on MB. Interesting.

Thought I'd just throw this out there-- could be way off base. But could it be that at this time your WH's head is just spinning... about to fly off... and he's taking this time to "sort things out" in his own mind. Going to see Mom and either convince her that he's made the right choice or subconsciously hoping that being away from the TURD and from you and boys will allow him to think about it all analytically? Being able to pretend he has no problems... at the moment.

Time to pray for intervention of the divine kind...

IMHO, you are making a mistake by venting in that fashion to your MIL. She is not your girlfriend, she is the mother of your H, and that means that she's also the mother of WH.

If you keep this up, I'm afraid eventually she will feel as if she has to choose. She will not choose you.

Please be careful.

AMEN, meggy. PRAY. PRAY. PRAY. Let the Lord work on him as he's alone in the car, as he looks his mother (and aunt) in the eye, as he climbs Squaw Peak (like we did on our honeymoon) and looks out over God's creation.

Even though I am trying to detach myself from it all, it is nice to have one way to spin it to a positive, and I like the way you spun it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I don't know, though, (always a skeptic) he had this trip planned long ago, remember he wanted to go in February? So I don't know it's so much that he feels the need for "space" as it is he simply wants to sow his oats (maybe before he settles back down with RT?) and hit the road like a young, single guy. He just wants to do what he wants to do...he wants no responsibilities, no expectations. Go somewhere warm. No agenda, just a vacation.

He has given NO INDICATION to his parents that he has wavered AT ALL from his intended course. (at least that I know of). Let God show him a new path...even if that is not WH's intention while on this trip. Let this trip be metaphorical...a journey to self-realization, to a new place, to warmth, to people who truly love him.

Ahhh...too much to expect...but I'll pray for it anyway.

Exactly. Document, document. (as harsh as that sounds, but it's very true.)

As a father, I'll tell you that would haunt me...forever. The longer I did that, the more self-inflicted scars I would give myself. He is in super-selfish mode right now, but I bet you there's a part of him that is burying that shame. So, it relates to the next part for me:



I think you are on-base with that thought. Spinning faster and faster would be more like it as he justifies, rationalizes, and buries the guilt & shame. These kids will always be his kids, and given time around OW and her kids, there will be triggers to remind him of his blood.

It's not your H, it's your WH. Love the real spouse, pity the wayward one.

Yes, let's hope he has a side of the road experience like Saul and God knocks him off his [censored]... (in a life-altering but loving way) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Who knows... just ENJOY your reprieve and be ready for anything.

(Here's meggy on her knees in prayer on LS' behalf.)