I mean NOW...with the D in play. It's not something I can pursue immediately, and I will have to see how it all plays out settlement-wise.

We have a 5% interest rate and only 10 years left to pay. That would be pretty tough to beat, if I could assume the mortgage.

Also, the kids are adamant that they DO NOT want to move. They love this house...this is HOME. When I mentioned it, they both got very anxious. I will not do anything to cause more upheaval or distress in their lives (we would not change school districts...we would move INTO the one they currently attend).

Again...nothing that I can do anything about right now. It's something to keep in mind...but down the road.

Oh, I see. I don't think there's any fear of me letting my guard down. I think I am PERMANENTLY on guard these days...one of the reasons that I am so relieved that WH is gone now. The guard will go up again after WH gets back, but it's nice to have a break.

The only way I could get intel while he's gone is through MIL, and she knows that I don't want it and don't need it. Even if I asked, I think she would be reluctant to say anything.

So I feel pretty safe letting my guard down for a few days. I need the break. And if something comes along unexpectedly, the guard will go up lickity-split...automatically.

A war...but I'm on R&R. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I'm sorry, Sis. The healing will take a long, long, time. Of course, I want you to self-soothe and to enjoy yourself as much as possible and NOT to RUMINATE about HIM and what HE is doing. I'm not a good mentor on this though. I was more like my soulmate Eav and I'm certainly not advocating our way.

BUT, I do think that you need to PREPARE yourself for upcoming BATTLES. Too much pretending, avoidance, denial of reality or whatever you want to call it MIGHT leave you unprepared...I say take this time to get STRONGER and more EMPOWERED..not to PRETEND..Do you see the difference?

You would be able to say: "LORD, I TURN THIS ALL OVER TO YOU AND WHATEVER I MAY FACE IN COMING WEEKS, I TRUST THAT YOU WILL SEE ME THROUGH IT...

I took comfort in the words of this song...

YOU'LL NEVER WALK ALONE



When you walk through a storm
hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark.
At the end of a storm is a golden sky


And the sweet silver song of a lark.
Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho' your dreams be tossed and blown.


Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart
And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.
Walk on, walk on with hope in your heart


And you'll never walk alone,
You'll never, ever walk alone.


((((SIS))))

I missed your post while I was posting..

I see what you mean..R&R....

Stronger and more empowered is what I'm looking for...absolutely!

I think to get there I really need to STOP the obsessing...to use those techniques that everyone shared yesterday about consciously changing thought patterns, staring down the bad thoughts, the God Box...so spending time wondering is she or isn't she going to be with him in AZ...yowch. Just repeats the cycle of obsessing.

I can deal with the ugly realities when they come back to town, by which time I hope to have made SOME progress on being stronger and more empowered!!

So long as I'm NOT obsessing: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Although we didn't talk about it...I take it from MIL's remark that WH was complaining to her about my Plan B conditions. (Boo, hoo, I can't call the boys on the phone! ...no, I didn't actually try to call them...)

I guess he doesn't like my conditions. I would think he'd find it wonderful...isn't that what he's been asking for? Me out of his life??

for a contrasting perspective:

my father died a relatively quick death, of a heart attack. at 38.
I never knew him.

your father had a "horrible painful death"... but he passed through all the "quick, easy" death possibilities, for the 30(ish?) years he was with you. So there is a good that came from it.

A man who dies a horrible and painful death, but knew God was with him, died filled with more joy than the richest hedonist on earth. The more painful an experience, the deeper we are nestled into God's arms.

Face to face with Him in heaven, none of us will be complaining. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

You are right...there was good that came from his living, without a doubt.

Neak, I wish I had your ability to see God's hand in even the most difficult experiences. A depth of faith that I have not achieved yet.

I talked to my sister yesterday, and she is very interested in coming along with us to Washington DC! Her daughter is 10, and the kids all get along great...so that would be great fun!

We also talked about visiting our aunt in Cape Cod this summer....it is very likely that we will do this, too.

More things to look forward to!

hey....I'll be in Cape Cod this summer!
what town is your aunt in?

morning!

Hi nia!

I'm not sure where, actually...maybe P-town? I've not been out there. She bought this place about three years ago.

Feeling a little down today. Sort of like grieving, mourning. Feeling sad, missing H. I have been trying to consciously turn my thoughts away from the ugly stuff...like all the lies WH told for the 2 years the A was secret, all the times I cried to him...begging him to tell me what I could do to make our marriage happy again...and he would say nothing, tell me nothing, tell me it "might be too late." He would bring up all kinds of things from the past, every thing I ever did wrong, every way I ever disappointed him. Never lifitng a finger to do anything.

So I turn my thoughts from that, and then I think of H, and what a good man he was, and then I just miss him terribly, and think how he would never have allowed someone to hurt me so badly...how he would have been there for me when I was hurting. That man is gone...it IS as if he were dead...and I mourn his loss. I just miss him.

So then I think of it in terms of my dad's death, how the pain at first was so palpable, and then it lessened.

But this is so much deeper. Not that I didn't love my dad...but he had no choice. God took him, and my dad fought with everything he had. WH CHOSE this, chose to inflict this pain on me, to continue to inflict this pain on me.

And people don't seem to understand. I feel that people only expect me to feel anger and bitterness, not a sense of loss, not grief, not longing.

Even just giving it to God...I'm still left with this pain. I've accepted that I can no longer control this...and I am much for comfortable in Plan B. But I REALLY miss my H and wish I could see him, just spend one day with him....with someone who loves me more than anyone, someone who will protect me, comfort me.

Now I'm crying...and I'm at work. Yuck.

I guess I shouldn't be thinking of H or WH at all. It's mostly when I'm alone, like driving in the car, in the shower, drying my hair....it's just so hard to banish these thoughts.

It is a loss Lilsis. It is okay to grieve that loss... just try not to focus on it right now. My dad died right around d-day for me and I can tell you that I mourn that loss every day... but the pain is understandable since it is natural... the other is just so much worse because it comes as a choice from someone you thought you knew and didn't. It is so very hard.
Keep your focus on you and the kids when possible. I am so sorry you are going through this pain.

no, not quite

he wants to ~control~ how much you are in his life

you fill many of his needs ... one IMPORTANT one is ~~~> [color:"blue"] historical reference [/color] ... as in ... "I remember the day DS11 was born we ....." ... and another one is enjoying watching the boys grow and develop ... as in ... attending concerts/games/graduation ... together, and beaming with shared joy

his [color:"orange"] stoopid alien-TURD fantasy [/color] was NOT that you'd disappear ... but that you'd willingly and joyfully play second base whenever he asked/needed you to ... while TURD plays pitcher

another need he's going to miss that YOU and only YOU can REALLY meet ~~~> holidays and family celebrations ... Christmas/Easter/birthdays/ and such .... oh, he'll have those days ... without an intact family .... instead, he's looking at grieving children, his scowling mother & father, and ever-increasing TURD pressure to pay attention to HER while his heart is being torn to shreds .... TURD has been lying to him ~~~> [color:"brown"]"Everything will be better once you get divorced. Everyone will be better off." [/color] ... this is going to hurt ... losing you ... do not kid yourself

[color:"red"]Your job in Plan-back-at-you-B is to GIVE him a future glimpse of the fact that you will not be good friends and he can NOT rely on you to meet those very important and intimate ~family~ needs ... as long as he carries on with this destructive adulterous death march[/color] .... it is a death ... he is killing the family unity ... and he needs to feel it ... 100%

sooooooooooooo .... you are also experiencing that same death ... and thus (as MEDC says) ... you grieve

My heart goes out to you ... not with sadness ... but with RESOLVE ... to take on this difficult task, and give it all you've got. This is not revenge or vindictiveness ... this is a loving WIFE ...both administering and swallowing very bitter life-saving treatment to her sick husband, and to herself ... so that your ~family~ has a chance to live.

Pep

PS ... start throwing dinner parties .... really ... start right away ... begin with just a few friends ...and ask them to bring a guest ... widen your circle of friends ... it is part of a GREAT Plan B .... make YOUR house the house everyone wants to come to for a fun time

Pep

Start a girls-nite-poker game
.....

Start a women's book group ...

Ask your pastor over for dinner ....

Open other doors ....

If it's a "he" make sure he brings his wife. Otherwise do not do this!

I hope you don't mean other BSes...

I strongly EMPATHIZE with all of your feelings...

Have been right there in your shoes..SUFFERING.. in LONGING and YEARNING for my HUSBAND..who was GONE...

And having GRIEVED over the SUDDEN DEATH of my own father before D-Day..and knowing how DIFFERENT yet the SAME those feelings were and thinking HOW COULD MY HUSBAND DO THIS TO ME AFTER KNOWING HOW I SUFFERED OVER MY F'S DEATH...

I certainly have WALKED IN YOUR SHOES, SIS...

Your feelings are the NORMAL AND EXPECTED FEELINGS OF GRIEF...

What I learned to do was to BEAR WITH THE PAIN until it SUBSIDES..just like LABOR PAINS..they will eventually subside only to reoccur again...until its ALL OVER...



I am one that can tell you that HE CAN COME BACK..although not exactly the SAME MAN that left..but HE CAN COME BACK...whereas your Dad cannot...

I learned to take it moment by moment..day by day..trying to stay focused IN THE PRESENT...

((((SIS))))

Oh, Pep. Thank you so much for that. Your description provides a completely NEW perspective to what I am feeling. Resolve. This IS a challenge, a strenuous, arduous journey, a trip to the summit of Mt. Everest. Although it is difficult and painful, that pain does not represent defeat, it only represents the difficulty of this particular journey. It is NOT a retreat, a succumbing, a relinquishing, a forfeiting of my family and my husband. There is a future, this will pass. I will survive and be happy.

So…I resolve:
To be true to myself and my children and on our well-being.
To not allow myself to be defeated.
To remember the good man that I married with love and compassion.
To remember who I am: a loveable woman who is worthy of a happy, fulfilled marriage
To focus on a brighter future…not to get bogged down in the daily struggle.


mimi: I mean many people IRL, not other BS...they are the only ones who seem to understand.

One of the most HEALING ACTIVITIES that I did as suggested by Pep was to invite 3 of my WOMEN FRIENDS over for DINNER..

I fixed the most wonderful meal...

But none of us ended up eating...

I especially selected each one of them because of their differing perspectives on life and I LEARNED AND GAINED SO MUCH FROM THEM after opening up to them....

They were SHOCKED by my revelations and I was so FILLED by their COLLECTIVE OUTPOURING OF LOVE FOR ME...

Yes...it is day-to-day...but I need to KNOW, to REMIND myself that this will pass. I will NOT feel this pain, feel this persistent unhappiness for the rest of my life.

It has just been so pervasive for so long...it's almost as if I have become resigned to feel this way...and I can't do that.

I need to face my pain NOW...labor pains...and get through the pain with the SURE KNOWLEDGE that there will be happiness at the end.

EGG ZAK LEE