Spring cleaning...blech. I want to tackle the old nursery...remove wallpaper and repaint. Maybe my mom can come and spend a day helping me.

That would be fun, and I'd feel like I accomplished something.

That, Chicago with the girls, and spring break in DC...I'm a pretty cool chick, doncha think? Striking out on my own.

Mary Tyler Moore (the one on the show, before the work got waaay overdone), and with two kids.

She's gonna make it afterall...duh, duh, duh, duh....(bells)

Me too! Sorry! But I'll still be praying for a major intervention on this trip... and for you and the boys.

LisSis,
I forgot about the missed calls from the intermediary on Sun. Those must have been nagging at you; I understand.
I also understand the sensitivity around being "accused" of alienating the boys. No one, NO ONE, with a clear head and clear perspective of this situation, would believe that about you. And those who would? They don't matter.
Best,
PF

Hey, LS. No matter what you do, WH is probably going to accuse you of keeping the boys from him. My WH sure does, even when I was going out of my way to offer WH more time with DDs, he complained that it wasn't enough. He complained that I was keeping DDs too busy and he couldn't call them because he didn't know if we were home or not.

You can only CYA with logical people. Waywards will twist and turn anything logical, make it illogical, and then believe it.

Plan B doees get easier and the obsessiveness wanes. It should be much easier with your WH out of town. By the time he gets back most of those obsessive tendencies will be gone. Not ALL, but most.

You will get to this in your own time, it will click when you are ready for it. Things that were posted to me before I read and understood but didn't really CLICK until now. NOW it fits and NOW it means something more than just words.

I highly recommend at some point going back and reading your own thread. It will give you a great perspective on how far you have come and some of the advice you received may mean more to you now.

I'm with LG. I BELIEVE.

Fox

Peanut Butter Mousse!


Peanut butter mousse by whipping together 2 rich's whip containers, 1 package of vanilla pudding and one cup of melted peanut butter ( melt it in a pyrex measuring cup in the microwave). Whip it all together and tastes yummy.


Can put it in a pie crust, but you could always layer it in a cake.

LilSis,

Your Miss P is showing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />!

I’m definitely not trying to speculate about WH & RT and I’m not trying to preach – it’s just that I’ve been there/done that. H & I love to travel – it is a priority for us. Or at least it was until I decided to become Supermom & ignore our marriage. This is a big “If only I had…” for me.

Can’t make arrangements to leave kids for a week or so = wife who puts kids first & doesn’t care about spouse/romance/relationship/fun

Too expensive to fly off for a tryst = same

Taking the time & trouble to make arrangements for kids = making the partnership a priority

Spur of the moment ticket = excitement/romance

So when you are in a great relationship in the future (whoever that is with), remember to just throw caution to the wind sometimes and go for the fun (just like you are going to do this weekend)!

The CYA was actually as much about "appearances" as trying to link WH with the boys. Now if it ever comes up, I can honestly say that I TRIED to facilitate a connection...he did not take it, nor did he try to connect on his own. I am really sensitive to any appearance of poor parenting with my record....I am paranoid about it.

Good idea to go back and read my thread (when I have a lot of time). I should cut and paste the whole thing into word so that I can remind myself...and if you all think I've made progress since I've been here...just imagine going back to October...I cringe.

I believe you are correct, Fox...the advice would have a different meaning now.

The boys would LOVE PB mousse! And they could even make it! How fun is that!

SHOL: Yep, Miss P! Now that the boys are older, that kind of spur of the moment stuff is a real possibility for me....in the way it wasn't when they were little. And now...no working it around WH's work schedule, either! I need to take advantage of this before I start working more hours.

(I still don't think it's realistic for RT to go away, though, nor for WH to "entertain" her if she did without ILs getting wise) But we are NOT going there...

I am going to happily imagine that none of them exist!

Like Fox said: two weeks for me to get through some of this withdrawal stuff...by the time WH gets back I should be refreshed and ready to withstand any onslaught. Two weeks of NOT looking over my shoulder, two weeks of NOT feeling like vomiting every time I see a cop car around the corner, two weeks of NOT playing ugly movies in my head, two weeks of NOT wondering where he's eating dinner and with whom.

I like this little fantasy...so even if it turns out NOT to be true...let's all just pretend for right now, okay?

LS:

I am going to echo SHOL comments.

During this entire part of this thread, it has been minimized the possible opportunity for RT to meet/visit/spend time with WH sometime during the trip. We don't know what efforts may have gone into it. She could be in the car now.

Plan B. It doesn't matter.

This trip has alot more going on then even you know about. Because a WH has planned it. If I was planning it, RT would have involvement.

Because the only other reason would be "WH has to get away from it all"

And RT wouldn't like that.

So, do not speculate to much, let his actions show you what is going on.

Plan B. His actions control from now on.

LG

What does "CYA" stand for? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Cover your a$$.

Still

LS,

Consider, Lexxxy suggestions. As mom's we can contribute so much. Kids need good healthy strong males to be around,& learn from.

They need a contrast. Message not all men are abusive, and amoral.


If he doesn't wish to participate in your sons lives. Sad, disappointment. You have no power to change that. You can deal with it.


Such nice people out there to help build goodness into your kids. Empowerment.


Especially, when the arrogant pair there treat you like the nanny.


Now that he is away. The time gives you the space to contact Dr. Harley as you had planned without distractions.

CYBW.

Choose your battles wisely.

I'm not going to be supportive of PRETENDING, Sis.

That's like living in the FOG..like a WS.

I've been encouraging you for awhile now to FACE and TO ACCEPT REALITY. It's YOUR TRUTH as Loving Anyway has taught me here.

ACCEPTANCE gives you the KNOWLEDGE AND POWER..necessary for BATTLE.

THIS CONTINUES TO BE A WAR...

Again trying to help you learn from my mistakes.

BAD THINGS HAPPENED WHEN I WAS SHOCKED OR NOT READY TO HANDLE WHAT THE WH DISHED OUT. It was much, much better when I WAS READY AND PREPARED..on down to PRACTICING what I was going TO SAY and TO DO.

PLAN B involves NO CONTACT with him until the A ends. However, that does not include AVOIDANCE OF REALITY.

Accepting REALITY resulted in me putting my house up for sale, saying to myself, "although I'm praying that my H will love me again, HE DOES NOT LOVE ME NOW..so I have to ACT ACCORDINGLY"..You see what I mean?

Bump! mimi 1254. Bang on!

Winds of Change.

Think this is the right lyrics to that alternative rock rock song. I love it. Speaks volumes about what waywards parents actions do to their kids. Perhaps, a cordial gift to give at Christmas.


'I'm An Adult Now'
by Armed Liberal

Well, I don't hate my parents
I don't get drunk just to spite them
I've got my own reasons to drink now
Think I'll call my dad up and invite him
I can sleep in 'til noon anytime I want
Though there's not many days that I do
Gotta get up and take on that world
When you're an adult it's no cliche, it's the truth

'Cause I'm an adult now I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now


I can't even look at young girls anymore
People will think I'm some kind of pervert
Adult sex is either boring or dirty
Young people they can get away with murder
I don't write songs about girls anymore
I have to write songs about women
No more boy meets girl boy loses girl
More like man tries to figure out what the ****** went wrong

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

I can't take any more illicit drugs
I can't afford any artificial joy
I'd sure look like a fool lying dead in a ditch somewhere
With a mind full of chemicals like some cheese-eating high school boy

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

Sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts
And I guess that it won't be long
'Til I'm sitting in a room with a bunch of people whose necks and backs are aching
Whose sight and hearing's failing who just can't seem to get it up
Speaking of hearing, I can't take too much loud music
I mean I like to play it, but I sure don't like the racket
Noise, but I can't hear anything
Just guitars screaming, screaming, screaming
Some guy screaming in a leather jacket
Wooah!

'Cause I'm an adult now
I'm an adult now
I've got the problems of an adult
On my head and on my shoulders
I'm an adult now

- 'I'm An Adult Now,' by The Pursuit Of Happiness -

Correct. It is irrelevant. It is out of my control, and I should not ruminate or speculate on it AT ALL. And it will all be told in a couple of days when he arrives. He'd be a FOOL to arrive with RT in tow; he would be burning bridges with his parents. Neither RT or WH would be permitted to enter the house; ILs would be FURIOUS. The timelines for coming and going match...so there are no apparent "side trips" planned on either end.

I spoke to MIL while sitting in the carpool line. She asked if she could ask a "procedural question" about no contact. She had spoken to WH and he gave her the impression that he was not permitted to call the boys at the house. I told her that I said specifically in my letter that he was not to contact ME by phone or email. Although I hadn't spelled it out, if I saw a call come in from him I would have the boys answer.

She said this made total sense, and reiterated her complete understanding for my need for no contact.

I also pointed out to her that if this this phone issue was something that he was concerned about, he could EASILY have pursued it with my intermediary, but he did not. I said it sounds a lot like he is playing the "victim" here, a role which he has played before in the past...he complains to others about something I have done without ever saying anything to ME about it. I'm the bad guy, the unreasonable one. Poor, long-suffering WH, having to put up with this.

I also told her about this morning...how he had not called or attempted to make contact with the kids. When THEY called HIM, he didn't have time for them. If his CHILDREN WERE A PRIORITY (as he has stated)...then his actions would bear that out. His actions would DEMONSTRATE that they were a priority.

They do not.

She said, EMPHATICALLY, "I agree with you 100%."


Hmm, I don't agree with this. MY actions control from now on. I am deciding for ME, what's best for ME and the boys. He no longer controls me...except for these obsessive thoughts that I need to--and will--begin to carve away over the next couple of weeks. Beyond that, it is up to him. Does he want me, his family, his integrity? Well, do what it takes...take some ACTION to demonstrate that. If he can't do that, then I don't want him.

I am in control. He is on his own.

In terms of pretending...what I am saying is that I want to ENJOY these two weeks of freedom! I don't want to wonder, to speculate, to obsess. The truth is none of us KNOWS what's going on during this trip, where RT is or what they have planned. If that puts me in denial...oh well, so be it. I've dealt with ugly reality for eight and a half months. I've earned two weeks in blissful denial. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

And I'm in Plan B!!! If she is there...if she isn't there...what's the point? It doesn't impact MY reality. It cannot be my concern.

So I don't think I'm avoiding reality. There's no "reality" for me to deal with right now, today, until a week from Friday. That's the beauty of it! Why speculate about what's happening way out in Arizona? I cannot control any of it.

I don't feel like I'm fighting the war now...not on my front anyway. The war is now being fought in the heart and mind of WH/H. God's fighting the battle now. The only battle I have left to fight is recovery...and that may never come. I did my part in Plan A, and I've REMOVED myself from the battle by going to a DARK PLAN B. How can I be waging war with an enemy I do not see? whom I do not engage? with whom I do not communicate? He can't dish anything out to me when we have NO CONTACT. Yippee!!

Why LOOK for trouble? Why ruminate over--or even consider--things that are still painful? Why pick at the scab? I don't see how that makes me more powerful...?? I'd prefer to spend these two weeks allowing those wounds to heal.

I accept that WH doesn't love me; sure... I wish he did and hope he does again. But it's out of my hands and I'm living for ME now...I'm going to Chicago this weekend. I'm making plans to go to DC for Spring Break. I've taken a new position so that I can maintain my standard of living without him. I can't sell my house.

I accept this reality and I am also acting accordingly. Doesn't mean it doesn't hurt, but others here have assured me that it will get better, and I'm counting on that...but it won't get better if I keep picking at it.

Let me state this more clearly.

I'm totally with you here:
But you lose me here:
If you are in a DARK PLAN B...no contact...you shouldn't be on the recieving end of any "dishing," you shouldn't be saying or doing anything. WH is just "over there" off in the distance somewhere, letting the A implode on itself, all the while you are getting on with your life. Am I mis-reading something?

Rock on!

Your swinging in the jungle now, limb from limb, branch from branch, tree from tree...


Look how wonderfully your doing! Sum fine acrobatics !!!


Ok, to keep your water wings "fretters" on too. Just in case. ( Keep them on however long you need them.)

You can't sell your house??

I thought you were considering it. ?? To move the boys to the school district you liked. Am I confused?

Seems like such an empowering, fun, exciting, way to focus on YOUR needs and wants. And great for the boys too.

What happened?

CORRECT..but you may gain new info. against your will and you must be PREPARED...

I continued to view it as a WAR throughout the entire process...with MORTARMAN'S HELP AND ENCOURAGEMENT...

When the ENEMY was not in sight, the soldiers did not tear down the FORT.